How to help my family be more connected?

Relationships
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I'm in my late 20s I have two children and I'm married. I also work full time. I am running from the time my feet hit the floor at 5am until I finally get to lay down around 10pm or later.. I feel so underappreciated. I do all the shopping, cooking, cleaning, event planning, basically everything that it takes to run a household. I also contribute to the bills. We have shared banking. I feel overworked and underpaid at my job and it can get very stressful as well. I stay because I don't have a lot of education or experience and they also allow me to leave my job to pick my kids up from school and understand if I have a sick child ect without giving me a hard time. I know there's pros and cons to every job. I know I struggle with my mental health with anxiety and depression. I have reached out to get help through therapy and medication. Neither have really worked for me. I constantly put myself down and feel like I'm not doing anything right. I always feel like I'm in a bad mood and I stay exhausted. It takes everything in me just to get through a typical day. My husband works a different shift than me and is at work when I get home and doesn't come home until after I go to bed. He works 6-7 days a week and I hardly ever see him. When we do get a day off together we're usually to exhausted to do anything. I also suffer from migraines and that really puts a strain on everything. Most episodes I work through them but some days I can't even get out of the bed and function. I never have help around the house between my husband and two children (who are old enough to pick up behind their self) My family tells me to just stop doing everything I am doing and eventually they will help. Nope. I've let laundry pile up for weeks and no one will touch it. I've left dishes in the sink for days.. no one will touch them. Trash will be falling out the can and no one will touch it. I can't get any help. I don't know what to do anymore. I've tried chore charts and discipline but nothing sticks and it's hard to stay consistent on my own when I can just do the work myself.

Now here comes my next biggest problem I’m facing… My oldest daughter (for a while now) has been treating me awful. She never wants anything to do with me…ever. I do everything I can for her and make sure she has everything she needs and I never get a thanks or anything. She never wants to spend time with me or have anything to do with me. She has absolutely nothing to do with my side of the family either. She won’t even go with me to visit them unless I make her. I’ll ask her to do something and she just ignores it until my husband who is never home with us (due to work) texts her and tells her to do it. He’s gone as far as texting her and telling her to talk to me of all things bc I’ve told him how it hurts my feelings. She will do what he says for a day then it’s back to the same treatment. I do everything for her. I take her to school when she could ride the bus and stand out in the cold with the other kids. I stay up late to pack her lunches bc she’s a picky eater. I buy her fast food on my way home from work when she asks (several times a week) I buy her nice things and nice clothes. I take her out to eat and shopping and to jump houses and water parks, amusement parks, movies, and other family friendly things. I never get a thanks and half the time it seems like she doesn’t even enjoy it. It’s like she would rather be on her phone and computer than anything. She’s so distant with me. If she does talk to me about anything she wants to talk about a computer game which I care nothing about (but I still listen). I want to have real conversations not talk about how many hours she’s wasted on a computer game. I’ve also noticed she has started lying about small things like if she took a shower or not or what she ate before I got home just minor things that are dumb to even lie about. Her personal hygiene is horrible and I feel like I’m constantly nagging brush your teeth, wash your face, take a bath, change your clothes ect. I know when I was her age I would love fixing myself up. In middle school I would get up hours early to fix my hair and do my makeup and pick out cute clothes ect. I don’t want her to feel like she “needs” all that, but a little effort you know? I know this sounds horrible and there’s more to the story but some days I don’t even want to be around her and the mom guilt sets in hard. I feel like I have no connection with her anymore. I still take care of her and care about her best interest but I don’t want to be around her. What is wrong with me?? I’m so mentally and physically exhausted I just don’t know what to do anymore. I feel like I work work work but no one really needs me or appreciates me at all. I feel like I don’t have a purpose anymore some days.

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The daughter situation this is what I did with my son I stopped getting him take out food I stopped taking him places I stopped taking him out to eat etc. my sons a picky eater too but he eating school lunches so in my opinion stop staying up late to make her lunch she needs to learn to eat what is given at school honestly. Make her ride the bus for a week and see how she likes it (we did as children heck we even walked to the school bus stop and waiting while it was freezing outside mom put sandwich bags on our feet over our socks n put us in snow pants scarfs etc). The longer u let her disrespect you she’s going to continue doing it so put your foot down now seriously. Give her butt a chore list on what needs to be done daily and if it’s not done she loses the computer for the night and stop taking her everywhere seriously

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This article had some good tips for a good starting point. You really have to set ground rules everyone in the house follows and get your husband on board. It can be easy for kids to take advantage of things if they have constantly gotten away with them and know you will end up fixing them if they wait long enough. Also with how busy you and your husband are it can make it harder for kids to listen to you and maybe feel like you are just talking at them.
If your oldest daughter is a teenager this will add to the challenge of getting your relationship on the right track but it is worth trying. You have to stop doing everything to please her. She needs to learn if she wants certain things a certain way like her lunch its her responsibility not yours. She will need those skills as an adult anyway. You can buy the groceries she needs but she needs to at least assemble her lunch. It may do her some good to take the bus too. Even if it is just a couple times a week.

You got this! It wont be easy and not guaranteed to work how you want but worth trying instead of allowing yourself to continue to be walked over.

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Sounds to me like she could have mental health issues, get her to see a Dr and see if she will open up. If that fails, stop buying her take out food, stop taking her places, stop doing things for her, one day she will come to learn that there is more to life than her phone and video games. Have you tried taking her phone away and her computer. If no underlying health issues then she is being disrespectful. How old is she? Could it be that she is struggling with Lofe changes in her body, is she being like this as your the one she sees more and listens to dad as she barely sees him with his working hours. She either needs some professional help if underlying health problems or she is just acting out and being disrespectful in which case she needs some tough love. Buy before anything, speak to a Dr on her behalf for health and advise. With the hygiene and not wanting to do anything or go anywhere seems to me there could be more going on that she just ain’t saying, anxiety/depression, maybe something else. I would say speaking to a professional for help and advise would be the first thing you do. My daughter was diagnosed with depression at the age of 5, then at 6 was diagnosed with extremely high anxiety, then at 7 she was diagnosed with SPD (sensory processing disorder). It was an extremely hard road, 9 months of daughter not talking to anyone killed me inside. Try sitting her down to have a conversation with her, see what she has to say if anything. It will get better in time, the hardest part is not actually the way the child is acting its getting to the bottom of what is causing her to be like this.

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You dont owe her all the extras. State your stance and if it doesn’t improve, take away all the extras. Game included. As for help around the house. My kids help. Period. It was established at an early age that they will help. They will not get payed to help either. We provide a nice home, internet, nice meals and extras. You will contribute! Period. You need to explain and then start removing privileges. Period. Real life… its extras with no contribution.

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I told my older ones how I felt when i felt like that i also explained why they needed to help with the home they live in i did it as patiently as i could lol (i kind of lost my shit one day lol) but they understood and appreciated my honest they help now mostly with taking care of themselves and cleaning up after themselves but that’s beyond helpful!! The big ones also had to complete self care task like shower brushing teeth brushing hair before they got certain privileges like contacts or a driver licences if u cant take care of ur self how are u gonna care for extra …u and ur daughter need to get the anxiety under control u both will be happier and recognizing that’s what u and ur daughter are dealing with helps a lot!

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Seems to ne a pretty easy solution…stop doing things for her. If she wants those things she should have respect and be grateful

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You need to stop spilling your daughter. If she gets everything she asks for she will never appreciate what she does get. For real. Make her ride the bus.

Kids will not stick to a chore schedule unless they are made to, so you’ll have to enforce it, it won’t just stick. I believe part of your mental health problems are from you not taking time for yourself. You need to relax too.