My best friend is male. 6 months ago his wife left him of 10 years and took his kids with her. His dad and brother died and after that to
Cope he started drinking. She had her faults too. Both of them are at fault for the split. For 3 months he’s been with me and a month ago he tried to take his life. He is sober and trying but now has severe anxiety and depression. I’ve been helping him breathe through the attacks that I’m around for but he keeps hearing things about what his ex is doing and it triggers him. He filed for divorce and she’s not responding. He pays half her rent and her car note and helps with the kids with anything she Asks. She still has access to his account In case of emergencies.
He’s always been a private person. But he’s now shutting everyone out and I won’t lie that now I’m paranoid about finding a body one day but also just concerned for my friend.
I really don’t know what I’m asking but if anyone can think of ways to further help
Him anything would be wonderful to hear. Outside of his episodes he’s a great friend and such a huge heart. I guess I’m wondering how long this lasts? Stages ? (Also he is going to therapy but it’s not helping much & on medication)
Therapy takes time to work and getting the right medication can be a long process too. Just be patient, keep cheering him on, and maybe put up reminders around the house for coping skills? I think that’d be a great idea. Also look into a “coping skills toolbox” you can find ideas on Google. They’re amazing!
So sorry to read all this. You are a good friend for helping.
If therapy isn’t helping, its time to find a therapist that will ( he can request a new one) He needs to close the account he has with his ex. He sounds like a good father and will help her out when asked but she shouldn’t be taking his money wherever she wants.
Depression, panic attacks and alcohol do not mix. Your both in a desperate situation.
I agree with Harper Jackson Fidler advice.
Best of luck 
He needs control back of his life help him find a lawyer or seek legal consultation to figure out how to proceed with the divorce and visitations with his children.
He has to find a distraction to get his mind off of his issues
Thank you for helping him right now! For now see if he’s willing to get professional help with his anxiety and depression and whatever else he needs
Stay with him, please, constantly reminding him of the pain he would leave behind! Praying for your friend and you!!
Therapy, show him that he is needed and loved, remind him those babies need him regardless if him and mom aren’t together, call the suicide hotline, they will set him up with someone to help him through all of this
Just be there for him or support as much as possible
He only needs to help with the kids not everything else of hers
He needs a therapist and a psychiatrist ASAP. You cannot control his mental health, it’s up to him to do the work. If he’s making threats to harm himself call services or his mental health team. Also he needs a lawyer.
If he tries to kill himself or talks about it and you think he is serious, call the cops and have him admitted to a mental health facility.
I learned years ago that I need to worry my own sanity and health in instances like that, and if you just let him talk like that, he won’t stop. If that sounds harsh…well, I would apologize but I know how this goes.
He needs to get help and then stop obsessing over what she is doing. And its easier for him to let someone lend an ear and coddle him than it is for him to put in effort to overcome the pain and fear of what comes next, the unknown…but if all anyone is doing is coddling him and to afraid to give him a verbal Gibbs smack to the back of the head, he has no reason to change or put in the effort.
Sometimes tough love IS the answer. 
Sorry yout friend is going through this. It sounds like your being an amazing friend and doing what you can. The only thing I can think of would be to get out of the house and do stuff to keep him busy
Best way to get over someone is to get under someone else… 
give or get him some.
First he needs to protect himself. No access to bank accounts. Not totally support her.
MOST important he needs to see a psychiatrist for depression and anxiety . Immediately.
I have no advice to offer but I took him to the Lord in prayer and will continue to do so. 
If he is going to therapy, why isn’t his therapist doing something about it ? He needs a lawyer, but with the condition he is in, a lawyer just might not help him with the divorce yet . But the fact his wife left jim, i don’t think he should be paying everything for her. Child support, yes .
Needs to be admitted somewhere for therapy and help! You can’t do it. The sooner the better!
Medication can take a month or more to start helping. He may also need to try different meds. Continue with the therapist and if he is only seeing a family physician for meds try to find him an actual psychiatrist they are better trained for these situations and on the meds that may help.
He needs to make sure an attorney has given him legal advice about financial obligations and what he needs to give her and allow her to access. Therapy is a great start however he may need some medication(s) to help him through this. Has he seen a Doctor or Psychiatrist who can diagnose and prescribe medication? Support groups are also a good option. Even if he is sober now, AA meetings can offer a lot of fellowship and support as well as online support groups for people going through divorce. Please be careful assuming the responsibility alone for his physical and mental well-being that is a lot to take on. Grounding is a good technique to regain some balance. Getting outside in direct sunlight is hugely helpful for depression (dark rooms and indoors all the time is the enemy). Get him to go outside if he’s not into going for walks go get lunch or some coffee and go sit on a park bench and just be outside. Obviously using the breathing techniques is great too for anxiety and there are quite a few different ones he can use. Fidget cube….I Swear by them! The stages of grief don’t just apply to an actual death, they apply to any loss. He may swirl between the stages, depression seems to be the hardest and longest unfortunately so a strong support network is key. Please remember to take care of yourself too. Hugs!
Grief counseling… After being with someone for 10 years it truly is like grieving a loss
It’s grief. There are definitely stages to grief, but unfortunately there’s no set timeline.
Best thing you can do is keep him distracted with activities or projects that keep him from dwelling on the end of his marriage and the fear of moving forward with a new and different kind of life that he wasn’t planning for.
If you can get him to voluntarily seek inpatient or intensive outpatient treatment for the self harm thoughts and suicidal ideation, it’s better than calling the cops because typically he’d end up in some County psychiatric facility and that’s often not the best place to get good treatment, but if he won’t go that’s what you have to do because at least he’ll end up on a 72 hour hold to hopefully get over the immediate crisis while someone is constantly making sure he’s not hurting himself. Let him know every day how important he is to you, to his children, to his entire family.
He needs a therapist. He needs to know that he’s not alone even though that’s how it feels.
He needs to stop self loathing. It will get him nowhere. He should stay sober, seek therapy and go to court to file for visitation of his children that he is entitled to. Divorce is rough, losing people is rough. He doesnt have to deal with all of that alone.
Also, if therapy isnt helping, hes either 1. not being truthful with his healing and himself or/and 2. he needs a different therapist
Hobbies
Gym
Gardening
Self care is essential to get over heartache
You are such a good friend! People like you are what he needs. He needs to know he is supported and isn’t alone. I know its extremely difficult to be there and not really able to do anything, but your presence is helping him way more than you may realize.
And make sure you are in a good mental place. You can’t help if you are struggling too
As part of a mental health first aid team when I was in my professional work at a hospital, it’s very important to recognize that he is suffering from some mental illness at this point. Keep the lines of communication open and encourage him to seek professional help. Most employers do help their employees with mental health counseling expenses. Don’t sweep any of his concerns and thoughts under the rug. Always let him know that he is important his life is important and that with the proper help this too shall pass. The most important thing is to help him get treatment, now! Life is hard. He needs to know he’s not alone and things can get better.
Unfortunately there isn’t really much you can do, other than what you’re doing now. You’re an amazing friend for being there for him, and being patient with him and the emotions and struggles he’s facing. All’s you can do is continue to show your support, and remind him that you are there for him.
You are such a great friend. Keep being there for him and it’s wonderful that he’s alcohol free! Keep encouraging him! Bless you
Help a mama out and respond anonymously on our forum. How to help my friend through huge struggles?
Having her on his account is crazy … she needs to go through him for the money that way he has control of his finances plus it will encourage her to reply to divorce papers … He also needs to set up co parenting or get the kids on the weekends so he has some sunshine to look forward to every week !!! My X n I separated after 16 years n had we not shared the time with the kids each week I don’t think I could have made it … always had them to look forward to !!! He needs that connection with his kids as much as they need him !!
Your an amazing best friend , you may not have the answers but your trying and fighting so hard for him , well done you 
Hopefully the right way for your friend will come soon and his pain will ease , keep fighting his corner .
He needs to find a therapist that makes a difference to him. Sometimes that means leaving current therapist. Whoever his therapist is could recommend another and shouldn’t feel bad. Facebook support groups do help too. I hope he gets through this and sees he very much needed in this life.
Therapy is not an overnight fix; he may need to see his therapist more than once a week. In the meantime interact with him in the present - no talk of the past. He can’t move forward while wallowing in the past. Best of luck for both of you.
He is not your husband. He and his wife need to deal with their relationship and either mend it or dissolve it. You must stay out of their marriage until it is resolved. Shame on you for your current behavior. You AND your husband should help others including him as a couple.
Everyone acually has good advice but im thinking you should be with him unless your married.
The therapy might be a cul-de-sac, because oftentimes we will not tell enough of the truth to begin to get some mental health, and also, they prescribe psych meds, and we wind up “eating” our alcohol, if that makes sense…we swap out addictions in the search for sanity. I dont know how far his drinking goes back. A.A. has been a wonderful help to me for 40 years. I found a sanity which is a gift from my Creator really. God made us, and He is willing to put us back together, but we have to stop fighting Him, and show a little cooperation.
The structure of the A.A. program, and the regularity of its fellowship has pulled many of us back from the brink. But if not that, he might check out a local church. My church has a Men’s fellowship on a weeknight. At a place like that, he might find a mentor.
These are the two things out of my experience that I would recommend. You already know how doctors are willing to prescribe medications, but they cannot substitute the healing that can take place in a spiritual life.
Honestly, you physically cannot do any more than you’re already doing for him. Just being there is being the biggest support. if I ever needed someone, I hope to have someone like you. sending so much love to you and your poor friend xx
keep up the support, he needs an ally and God has designated you! A long time ago I went through a horrible break/up and I owe my survival and life today to that one person who took me in, loved me unconditionally, with no judgement & lots of love. When we are drowning we need a hand pulling us into the life boat! Bless you
He needs mental health help – when life gets that dark, a third party is the only one to help you out of that darkness.
There are some single/divorce support groups on fb that could help him understand that this is normal and he will be okay with time. These are safe spaces where he can discuss what he is thinking about, and get feedback and advice on his thoughts and the divorce process.
You being there and reassuring that everything will fine with time and listening so that he can vent will help him.
Edit: also ask him to cut off as much communication as he can with her. Only allow one form of communication - email - so that he can choose when to receive her texts or calls throughout the day and there is no back and forth to trigger the anxiety.
At this point it is business rules. This will help him collect his thoughts and have as much of a civil conversation with her as possible about whatever they need to discuss that pertains to the divorce and NOTHING else. When they talk it’s only about the divorce proceedings.
Call suicide hotline for ideas. I’m so sorry.
He should join AA and get himself a good lawyer
If hes a Christian have him go to church, a church that has small groups it will help him become more social. He’s cutting himself off which can increase depression. He needs to cut the ex wife off. Pay half of her rent and help buy stuff for the kids and make sure they have food. Other than that shes on her own. Doesn’t matter who or what caused the split, if you split you each support yourself and share support for the kids.
Is he related to the president?
This is so close to my story. Ive learned there is not set timeline but if you look up the stages of grief and symptoms for ptsd it helps. Its been 1.5 years and im now learning that acceptance may not come in the form of forgiveness and a happy ending rather it seems more and more for me to be accepting his actions and realizing I cant move past it after 16 years im about to lose my best friend and father of my children because he couldnt see clearly. his brothers death took my frank away we were doing well but his mom and grandfather passed a week apart from each other the beginning of August and I fear I have lost him again. Just being there for him means more than you will ever know I feel so so alone isolated and not understood. Your presence and compassion are what he needs i suggest reaserching the ptsd and the grief in the hopes that you gain tools or knowledge that could help you help him.carry the weight of his loss. Its almost worse than if they had died. If they were simply gone he could mourn her and eventually move forward. I mourn the man I thought he was the constant reminder and discovery of yet more betrayal is staggering. I havent had time to heal before the next blow hits if he had simply been honest from the start id be in a very different place by now but things are what they are. Learning to live with the fact that the person you were before is gone forever changed by the actions of another isnt easy to accept but we have no choice but to move forward scars wounds and all into this new post trauma version of us and hope that in some ways it is better than what we were before, I hold onto hope but fear the loss of all the soft sweet kind parts of me fear this will leave me cold and hard and weathered like so many elders seem to be. I understand now the years burn, destroying us surrounding us with pain before the rebirth comes. Over and over we will have to endure such trauma and loss as we age and more and more of those we love pass there is no escaping it i didnt think I would be this sad this lost and broken until I lost my mother I was wrong and I am terrified of that day and the woman I will become in the wake of her loss.
.Hold his hand as you have been doing like I said your more important to him that you could ever imagine. Thank you with all my heart I truly wish I had someone that cared as you do.
He needs to attend AA meetings 100 meetings in the first 100 days .
And he needs to get a real therapist.
You are his friend not his therapist.
Do not get too involved in his mess .
He needs to learn to figure out his life .
With you “helping” all the time it is just making him dependent and you his an enabler .
You may wantvto check put Alanon .
You will learn alot for yourself that will be helpful .
Enabling is NOT being nice really, it is keeping the person stuck where they are.
If his therapy is not helping, find another therapist. I don’t feel that you can do anymore than be a friend. Does he see his children? An outing with them might help his feelings.
Mental support is extremely commendable, and you mention that his therapy is not doing much for him. As long as he is turning to you for therapy, which he is, then a professional therapist will not get the focus needed to actually make a difference. Also, he needs to keep looking until he finds a therapist that “fits.” Fitting doesn’t ever mean the therapist agrees with you to be a “good” therapist for you…it means trust is established in order for him to be accountable to the therapist.
You being in the middle it’s kind of hard because with him still still giving her access to his account means he has not give up on her I’m just saying don’t get too tied up in it because at the end you may be the one getting hurt just be there to help him if you want two I just don’t want to see you get hurt and I know you’re trying to help
He needs a good lawyer and a support group like AA. Also the Freedom Biker church has a CRC recovery group meets 2x week. So does journey church. A good AA sponsor would help and a support system with counseling. You are a good friend. He is in a bad place but it gets better. He has to want. To go through the painful change knowing it will pay off. Connections has programs too that may or may not be open to the public. Also he should get a case manager in addition to a counselor since he has tried to take his life and is at risk for relapse and needs to be followed by more than a counselor. Lots of programs. Maybe get him involved in one of those churches they are both awesome w a great recovery based support plan. Sending prayers.
If he can prove that he is the one paying for all these things, or even half of them, have him get copies of everything and take them to the courts.
They are his kids? He has every right.
I went through the same thing a few years back with my own, and I sunk too.
A friend helped me as you are him, and got me through the court legal system that served my ex and demanded 50/50 custody of my daughter
I personally like to write when I feel this way, it helps me to get what I’m feeling out without hurting anyone else in the process. Sometimes what’s going on in someone’s head might be upsetting towards others. I hope this helps. I know it’s writing isn’t for everyone but maybe he should try it.
Have him find a therapist that does EMDR. It’s like magic for triggers.
Mariah Hickman
I guess there are others who think " shit like this" is real and helpful!
Unfortunately it is one of those things were ur friend has to take it one day at a time and so do u xx
Oh my gosh, I am worried about your friend and all I think to do is pray for him. I pray that he overcomes this chapter in his life and moves on. God bless both of you. 
Yes he needs to stop paying for everything. Help his kids but not her
First off he needs to cut her off. Not the kids just her. She’s got him dangling from a string. Is he seeing the kids? He needs to! Best thing for depression is having your kids looking up to you. Get on with his life. Other than money she is thru with him. Move on. See your kids. Live your life.
Get him to go to church. They have a lot of great services and can help him
Get him to sign up to dads against discrimination , they are a FB group for single dads.
I would have to get the other side of that story
Life is mess without jsus,waste of beautiful life
Sounds like he needs to be followed by professional help.
Just be there for him. Don’t pressure him into changing his ways of taking care of his children. Try to see if he can spend time with the kids on a weekend get away or something. Let him vent don’t take sides try to remain neutral.
It would help if he cut ties,all togeather with giving her money
You keep calling him your bfriend, but say he’s “with” you. Is he with you with you or are you platonic roommates? I ask because him being in a new relationship now is the last thing he needs and can truly cause more damage. You fear him suicidal, well if he’s tried and failed he can be court junctioned into rehab but if he says he’s not and hasn’t tried then there’s nothing you can do. Otherwise leave him with his business with his wife. You shouldn’t know as much as you do as to what goes on between them as it is. Be supportive but mind your own before you yourself cause irreparable damage. He’s already got the little devil and angel sitting on his shoulders whispering in his ear he doesn’t need you. I hate to break it to you sister but not enough females realize and accept this…your “love” isn’t a magical fairy who’s going to heal him and make him get over his wife whome he clearly loves and misses terribly. You can’t fix him.
It could go on for years because he is still in love with her she left him for what reason a better deal or because of his drinking sounds like they had their share of issues he needs to cut the money off for what ever reason he lets her access it well she has no respect for him so the money only enables her to continue doing whatever it is she is doing keep providing for the kids by way of him going shopping for clothes needs etc give her minimal she left him so she better be able to provide for her own needs get a lawyer keep track of all money transactions for court he needs to understand this might seem like thr end of his world but its not just the end of his marriage but not by his choice dont matter whos decision or fault it is that does not mean shit in court a judge is there basically to divid shit up legally and as fair as the lawyers can make a cade of monitary value of the needs of the children and asset division if hes nice and she bsits him with getting back together which is only a ploy to play on his emotions which will do mire damage than i can elaborate on he needs to get mad and think about his own wellbeing because that is what the judge will look at fir the children’s well being and custody if he stays weak and keeps with the attempts he will never see his kids again and no body wants that nor does anyone want his kids to loose a father so he is going to turn part of his emotions into a freezing river if he wants to make it out of this with the will to continue in this life and i can say with certainty if he thinks his way out is to do himself in than he will be stuck here in the 3rd dimension and never rest for eternity and he will br able to watch every person hes ever known continue with their lives esp his kids but he will never be able to touch them or talk to them only watch so tell him get mad and get cold towards her or she will take everything he has ever created or worked for there are millions if woman out there looking for good men to bad a lot of them pair up with abusers of some sort or gravitate to them thinking they are more bad BOY other than men and fathers and if this all does not phase him then tell him to get up and fucking fight for his rights to raise the lives he brought into this world as it is not their fault or his fault his wife made the choices she has made because she will continue to do what she is doing and pretty soon she will have an emergency and that account you talked about will suddenly ve empty because he expects her to be rational well this is never a ration-able situation dont care who you are someone alwYs comes out better than the other she cut him off so he needs to cut her off any good lawyer will say the same thing meds will only make him think worse endings he needs to get outside and spit wood or work out get grounded again i dont care what people say about meds that they will help bullshit they were never invented and given so freely if they did anything good for us sorry to sound so harsh but ive been there and it sucks but they never took a vow to never change their minds if so she lied about it like so many do so ask him what he truly wants to do if he says die that hes not helping himself and what kind of position does that put you in so many people stay in situations like this because we say im all he has which maybe true but its not true he has his kids that should be enough to get him out of his pitiful me mindset because how selfish is he really that he would take his life and let the only person who gives a shit about him at this moment to find his body cold with some sorry ass note saying he cant go on with out what he used to have that will ppay on your heart for the rest of your life are you ready for that just saying good luck from
Been there felt that!!
all he can change is his mind- you can’t do that for him- contact his therapist with your concerns ~
He needs to stop paying half her rent and car loan if she won’t sign the divorce papers. She wants the perks of being married along with her freedom. This chapter needs to be closed. He needs a good attorney and a financial advisor asap.
He needs to go to counseling. Call 211 for free or sliding scale pay. You can hold space for this person,but make sure you give yourself time as well so it does not become a codependent relationship or a trauma bond.
Follow through with therapy and make sure the person specializes in your friend’s trauma. Take meds on a schedule and report back how they feel to adjust meds. It takes awhile to get the right ones.
With counseling it takes time to get past the event. Everyone is different. Some take action and others reflect/discuss for a year before taking action.
Ive been there and you cant help him until he decides to help himself, all your talking is not being heard by him, just give him a shoulder to lean on and help if he asks for it, you cant change his mind, only he can do that and all the therapy in the world wont help if he dont use it, just be a friend and pray that soon he will see the light and come around to being a man again
He’s not over her, he’s thinking about her a lot, and imagining how well she’s doing without him.
So he feels as though he isn’t worth anything, he’s believing he can’t provide and just doubting himself.
You need to try and boost his confidence up in himself.
He needs to also find his reason to keep pushing every day.
I struggle every day but, I gave myself reason to be here today, and I won’t stop until I do.
Get him an appointment with the doctors or ring mental health line they will help him
I been divorced 3 times deal with it move ahead .did also had kids just have to be strong not weak
I think she’s one of those idiots who never read pass the headlines. If she did however, read pass it, she’s an even worse person and this not worth acknowledging. Third option is she lack basic comprehension skills and really can’t be help, so still not worth acknowledging.
It will take as long as he needs it. Everyone is different. Be there as his friend
He needs to take her off of his account and stop paying her bills.
Think he needs to go into mental hospital. He would get the care he needs and someone to watch over him. Just needs help for now. Most likely will recover and move on with his life if gets some professional help.
He needs to see a life coach to get direction and learn how to deal with things. Has worked wonders for me
If only his ex can see how bad this is for him men need help to
Go knock her out sis.
He’s dealing with the grief of the death of his brother, father and marriage and figuring what his new life will be and also dealing with being separated from his kids. You are a good friend to be his rock. Get him into therapy if you can. The National Suicide Hotline is free. He can call that anytime he is in distress 24/7. 1-800-273-8255
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Get Him mental Health care
Pray, pray, pray!!!
They may have resources for you here and to help him. He’s lucky to have you with him.
I just wanted to say you’re literally a God send. Don’t give up on your friend, he needs you now more than ever. Thank you for being a genuinely good person.
He needs professional help. He also needs to start completely breaking away from his wife if there is no chance of reconciliation. Shes causing him alot of pain and trauma right now and thats understandable becauseno man wants to lose his family. If he still feels obligated to help her financially and they are his kids too then he needs to set up a separate account for her and deposit the money he feels responsible for in that act each month (and keep records of it in case its needed in court down the road) and then she can have the card for that act but if she is leaving him and treating him like this then she doesn’t need to have free reign over his money like that. Imagine him thinking shes using his money to do things with another man. That I’m sure causes him serious anguish and its one thing on a long list of things that he can fix pretty easily and not have to have that on his mind. Get her off his bank act and cancel any cards she has the info for or uses. Make one act that he deposits money in and she takes it out. He really needs someone to talk to because it sounds like he’s taking her leaving pretty hard. Some people are so codependent on their spouse they really just don’t know how to go on without them. To him it probably feels like someone died. It feels like his wife is dead but its worse because he knows shes not. Thats hard. He needs help. Maybe he can work on himself and it could lead to getting his family back. You never know but either way he needs help to get himself up and running maybe meds will help and then he will start feeling better. Tell him to keep fighting for his life. It may not seem like it now but life goes on. Just keep being there for him but don’t enable him. He has got to want to help himself out of this deep depression. Until then things will keep getting worse. Offer to find him a dr and help him make phone calls. Offer to drive him there or go in if he wants support. Do what you can to support him getting better. Don’t fall into being a crutch to stay in the rut hes in. He need professional help and you can only lead him there you can’t force him to do anything but if you care about this person you have to let them know you’re there in anyway they need for them to get better. I feel so bad for this guy. But he’s got to get himself together. Try getting him to go for walks and drop lots of hints about seeking therapy. You can only do what you can do. He has got to realize that he is worthy and his life is valuable. He deserves to feel happy and all you can do is remind him of that.
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He needs to Get Her Name off of any and ALL of his accounts, ESPECIALLY FINANCIAL. Including Life Insurance.
W. Get his name off any other bills.
3. A. If he has not received any paperwork from Family Court, He needs to go file with them for at least Visitation and Child Support.
3. B. As long as Child Support Enforcement takes it right out of his paycheck, or he sends the payments to them, she can say nothing to him if she does not receive them when she thinks she ought.
There is an app called sober that helps alot with depression and anxiety. I use it and so does my 12 yr old she has bad anxiety and depression from watching her best friend commit suicide online in front of her. She has self harmed from it as well. However she has been “clean” (as we call it) for 4 months today and I couldn’t be happier. She can’t stop telling people how much it helped her with it and still does. It also helps me as well. I’ve been “clean” as well for 2 yrs, 3 months, 4 days, and some change. The app even keeps track of the sobriety and the other people who use it also help encourage the sobriety and help you through it.
As long as he’s getting help there isn’t much else you can do. Except be his friend
Sounds like he needs to talk to someone in a AA group send him off to a few open meeting you can go with him for support if needed
Dmt will solve everything