How to make my husband realize and cope with our son having autism.We’re a mixed family of 8. I have 3, he has 2, and we have 1. We’ve been together for 4 years and our son, whom is almost 2, started showing signs of autism when he was about 11 months. He used to talk and mimic us before, but now he doesn’t even react when we call his name. He has all of the symptoms and his doctor even said that she’s pretty sure he’s on the spectrum but has to have a neurologist diagnose him. My husband denies it and says that he’s just different. like it’s such a bad thing. I’m just sick of him not accepting him for what he is and not helping me prepare him, and us, for what’s to come…because he’s “perfectly normal”
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Help a mama out and respond anonymously on our forum. How to help my husband accept our child having autism?
Family counseling may help and a full diagnosis may help as well
Autism is hard on the entire family two of my younger brothers and a younger sister have it and another brother with symptoms but no diagnosis
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It takes time, until there’s an official diagnosis he may not want to accept.
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My daughter has autism if your husband can’t accept it he will just keep doing what your doing.
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It’s hard. Many parents do through denial, then grief before arriving at acceptance.
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My son doesn’t have regressive Autism, but he was diagnosed with ASD at 19 months bc I knew what signs to look for. It’s hard to accept at first, even more so for a man to accept that his son is different, but I’m sure he’ll eventually come around. I believe it’s genetic & that there are quite a few undiagnosed people in my husbands family, he finds that hard to accept but there are no known neurological disorders on my side. Maybe your husband is feeling guilty?
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I would start with a diagnosis then the dr will talk to you both and then I would suggest family counseling your husband is in denial and he is grieving the loss of what he thought life would be like for his son and for you guys give him time and you just keep fighting for your baby lots of live your way momma and also just be there for him when he does realize this as he will have a lot of hurt anger and alot of did we cause this for sure counseling
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I think it’s a male thing to be honest, when I give birth to our daughter I said straight away she isn’t normal, he went on saying yes she is, would undermined me at hospital/doc appointment saying nothing was wrong. As soon as we got told she had a syndrome he got his head around it and now will tell people about it before that he wouldn’t even say the syndrome word. So maybe once he is fully diagnosed he maybe more expecting of it.
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It will take time, be patient and consistent with him. Keep doing what your child needs. It took almost four years for my husband to accept things with our daughter, the gap had to grow for him to feel that she was actually behind.
My son is 21yrs old now,his father untill this day can’t see it.Its ok moma.You can do it alone! I did.Be his advocate. You can get any help he needs without your husband’s advice or opinion or help.It only takes one parent too realize the need.
I heard the same thing, I didn’t accept it, he was just awkward socially, I watched him grow out of it. Don’t buy into these soft definitions of autism, Most of the people assessing the child are affiliated with the school system, and not qualified to make a diagnosis, but they do anyway they should be fired for it.
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I’m in a lot of autism parents support groups because I have 2 with autism. There is an unbelievable amount of fathers who act the same. A LOT end in divorce, but some have said that it has helped to bring him with y’all to the doctors offices and have him present for as many therapies as possible. Hearing it from a professional often helps!
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Or just wait for the tests and diagnosis before labelling the child with autism. I see it so often these days, yes some children do have autism, anxiety ect ect but it appears if a child is not hitting exact milestones the parents do a self diagnosis and label the kid as such. So if im honest I can see why your husband is behaving in such a way
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it just happens over time its not something that most people just accept, even parents (I am an autism mom) you start seeing what your child needs and just start doing it for them its not a light bulb its a gradual thing what exactly do you think the “acceptance” would do for you husband or your child?
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Therapy, dad support groups. It’s not always easy for a parent to accept that they’ll never have the child they expected. They still have to mourn the loss of what they were expecting having the child would be. For men especially, they are supposed to be the protectors, ensuring that their family is safe, but no matter what they do they have no control over their child’s diagnosis. Sometimes being in denial is their only way to cope with the reality. They believe that if they don’t acknowledge or accept it that somehow miraculously their child will be ok.
At the end of the day, a diagnosis is just that, it does not define who your child is, just the needs that they have. Love and help your child as much as you can. Encourage dad to slowly help, be understanding as they may be silently suffering more than you think, encourage him to seek out groups, therapy, etc. It’s ok to mourn, to need help, it’s a never ending emotional rollercoaster.
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First you can’t make him. So stop trying to force it. And it’s not official yet so need.
nothing wrong with being a little different or a lot of different.
But it takes time. And official answer helps
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If he hasn’t officially been diagnosed, your husband is probably holding hope that it’s not true. Just wait and see what the offical diagnosis is before expecting your husband accept anything.
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My olds sons bio father don’t accept my sons diagnosis he’s always giving me and my wife crap about how he needs to act like a member of society and learn hoe to control his self my son is 10 and bio dad has been in and out of his life since I left when he was 1
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Check his ear tunnels too. Ppl thought my cousin was slow but it turns out his eardrums were narrow and he couldn’t hear good. They fixed it and he is just fine.
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Speaking as someone with ADHD raising children with ADHD, we HAVE to stop looking at neurodivergancies as “defects” to be hidden and shamed. Just his refusal to accept the diagnosis is only further teaching his child that there’s something “wrong” about who he can’t not be and he should do all he can to make sure no one else can know how bad he was born. I hate that we make such a big deal about celebrating and embracing being unique, one of a kind individuals while also penalizing each other for not being functionally identical every one else. As evidence is showing neurodivergence account about half of the world as it is, I refuse to believe those very differences aren’t simply a matter of design and actually helped all of us adapt to the heights we’ve reached. There are people who think the big thinks and they need to work with people who can make the big things specifically so that we can ALL he happier and healthier. Your son is a thinker lacking a doer to partner up to make the great works, but otherwise, is probably also absolutely intelligent and capable on his own worth and deserves to be recognized as such. Almost all the things your husband is seeing as being “wrong” about autism almost definitely amount to your sons differences making everyone else “uncomfortable”, which is 100% a them problem and not reflections on him being wrong within himself. Our world was not only designed counter to his needs, much of it is outright hostile to him for having them and seeks to hurt him enough to condition him to act “right” enough that no one could tell how impressive and dazzling it is inside his mind. I can’t help but to feel like the world could stand to trying to be more “accomodating” BY accounting for us instead of just trying to “help” us by dulling and deadening what is justifiably our greatest assets so they don’t have to notice them. My anxiety is a disability that negatively impacts my well being in a way that is notably detrimental and hurtful to my general satisfaction with myself and life. My ADHD is not and I hate that our entire society functions on the structures of what our great thinkers imagined for a better world while still unironically pointing out how great it is that they could be so great with such a “broken” brain.
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When i got with my man. Almost 4 years ago. His son was 4 going on 5. I knew after a few months of watching how he was that he was autistic. He and i got into fights over this. And his mother didnt want to believe it either. Last year he got the diagnosis of being on the spectrum.
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So I have a son who is autistic. It wasn’t easy to accept. My doctor explained to me you are grieving the loss of a child you thought you would have. I blamed myself. Now my husband totally accepted him and gave me time to come to terms with it he handled the appointments with everything the first year. Now we tackle everything together for our son. You need to give him time to adjust and grieve.
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Dad’s come around. At least, most do. I know a man who’s daughter was diagnosed one December, and his wife left them both for dead by February. It’s not a gender thing, it’s a human thing.
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You cant force him. You will only be hurt in the end. I know it’s life-changing. I would get support somewhere else. I’ve gone through this myself with my son’s dad. He was not supportive at all. Also pushed my son away and turned around and blamed me.
Have him diagnosed by a neurologist to be sure and go from there
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…I have one child with ASD, ADHD, odd, a paralyzed arm, and vision issues.
My other child has ADHD and SPD.
So here’s the thing: when it comes to big lifelong diagnoses? There is a grieving period.
We as mom’s Tend to jump right into the “ok we need to do abcd xyz…we need these books and this and this and that” our grieving process tends to come later on and often takes us by surprise.
Dads on the other hand…autism isn’t something he can manually fix and therefore the grieving process (which includes denial) starts pretty early on.
Give him some time.
If he didn’t love him then he wouldn’t care.
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It’s usually harder for men for some reason. It took my hubby years to finally accept it. And even more years to realize we won’t be able to care for him forever because of his needs and severe behaviors. Give him time. Have him come to doc visits. Even get a 2nd or 3rd opinion if you think it might help him come around.
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My grandson has autism he will be 18yrs soon . He is a beautiful, clever, handsome young man who we wouldn’t be without. Why would you be ashamed of your son? Celebrate his uniqueness, be proud of him and most of all GROW UP this not about you dad this is about your beautiful son not your EGO.
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Maybe wait until official diagnosis is made. And then maybe try educating him and helping him
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I have an autistic child. He needs to be evaluated and given treatments as early as possible. There’s no shame in having a special needs child!!! Tell your husband he needs to help your son. Now
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I would get into see an ear nose throat specialist as well. My grandson kept getting misdiagnosed & missed ear infections, & do far he’s had to have 2 sets of ear tubes, adenoids removed, is on strong antibiotics & allergy meds & his hearing, speech & behavior are a complete 360 now.
He’s 3 & doesn’t talk the best but it’s getting better daily 
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Tell him your son is normal but has a different way of communicating and learning so he should be prepared to learn or it’ll be rough for him and your son. My son is a late, late, bloomer and it panicked me. Autism would have been a reason for us to figure out why he doesn’t talk. He’s not autistic but he still doesn’t talk. And it’s frustrating not having a diagnoses until my son actually spewed a few words in baby talk all at once.
Saying “he’s just different” is coping. You can’t force someone through their grieving process
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If he don’t accept he’s got an autistic child divorce his ass
Study the D.A.B.D.A phases of grieving. He is at denial and may never move past it.
It’s completely normal for some parents to be in denial until the have a diagnosis from a professional, even then some will still say they’re wrong. Give it time unfortunately it’s just taking him a little longer to cm to terms with than U.
I have 2 children on the spectrum 1 boy 1 girl. At the end off the day a diagnosis changes absolutely nothing. The child that walks out off that room with a diagnosis will still be the same child that walked into that room undiagnosed. Nothing changes! Diagnosis or not that is your child yous will both still love and cherish your little one the exact same way you did before
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My son is 10 and has autism. His pediatrician and I were sure he had it when he was about a year. My husband still says he’s just different and he’ll “grow out of it” 
I just let him say what he is going to say but also I educated him on ways to help our son ( different punishments from our other kids ect.)
You can heal him with the proper detoxification. If he was talking before and not now. He can be fixed.
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U need an evaluation a nuerologist doesn’t diagnosis autism
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Get him to watch the show atypical on Netflix might help
Have a neurologist examine him. Your doctor even said to do so.
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aw im sorry this makes me sad😩
1st of all
He needs to learn some respect for special needs kids and their families
Its not an easy job to care for a special needs child
One parent can’t do it alone
Keep pushing with the testing and place the diognosis in front of him
( place it under is dinner plate)
If he won’t accept his child has a lot of medical issues now and more to come as your child gets older
He has no right to be called dad
I would not accept that behaviour
Yes it will be hard but
Walk away from him
You and your kids Especially your son don’t need that negativity your son will start to pick up on that
We got you MAMA BEAR
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My grandson has Autism ,none verbal, and I can’t imagine our life with out him he is 5, start checking the schools there is so much out there to help him, try to get him started as soon as possible
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My husband was the exact same way and even got angry when I brought up getting her help. She has been receiving services 4 days a week for 6 months now because I told him I would get her help with or without his support and he’s so much better now that he sees the progress she’s making. Make sure he understands that autism is mainly a delay, not a disability. I got help for my daughter after she turned 2 and she’s come so far already
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Early intervention! Im an RBT. I work with children with ASD Prek-1st grade. Parents are usually in denial at first, it’s ok. Just talk to the proper professionals and get your son started with early intervention! Go to the board of ed., speak to someone in the special education services, request to have him evaluated, request in home services, etc.
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Pretty sure is not sure you need to get him an official diagnosis, and get him into speech therapy.
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Get an official diagnosis first, many things have similar traits to autism
Denial can come before expectance for many parents. Also without a real diagnosis from a specialist he probably will not expect anything. It’s easier to be optimistic when it’s a “possibility”. Start with the evaluation then go from there. It may take time for him to except as a parents nature is to want the best for our children and if we are being honest anything “different” we tend to think will hinder our children and denying it is much easier than excepting it for some. I also highly suggest early intervention once you have a diagnosis.
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First, get a proper diagnosis so you know exactly what you’re dealing with and go from there. Early intervention is huge! It may take him some time to accept, that’s totally normal. I can say, whatever “label” is put on him, he’s still the same kid, it doesn’t change anything but getting him the help he needs. Start with an official diagnosis, he will come to accept it with time.
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You have a long road ahead of you , you will have more down than up but your child is a gift and you learn to live life more then you would and accept appreciation for the littlest things . everyone can sit here and tell you it will be ok reality it will be ok however everyone journey is different . NO 2 children will be the same the spectrum is huge so you will learn to grasp to your individual needs . No parent wants to here there child is different in reality it is a hard pill to swallow but at the end of the day a parent has an imaginable bond to their own child no one can break . remember men are different to women so they handle things different . you may here constant things of my hubby left me or my family broken yes it can happen but don’t allow that to oversight your own family . With the corrected supports in place / a dos assessment and a team of allied health to officially give that diagnostics then thats when reality will hit but please dont allow tension break your family. . have you tried sitting down and listening to you partner be a open ear . honestly it will either make use or break use .
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My son is 8.5 and I knew when he was 5 months old he had autism and anxiety and sensory processing issues. But got him diagnosed on his 2nd birthday with anxiety, PTSD and sensory and on his 3rd birthday was diagnosed the aspergers. They were 99% sure when he was 2 but few traits weren’t there yet so they waited bit. It was no issue to accept it, I wasn’t mad, shocked, surprised, hurt or anything. Just confirmed what I already knew. Your partner will need time to accept it. My grandparents were 72 when my son was diagnosed and told me it was bad parenting, but now after watching, reading they understand. My neighbor (50) swears it is a discipline problem. But one thing I did from the start when I suspected it, was doing the autism training, for talking, sensory, eye contact ect. My son now is very talkative but yes prefers his topics of interest but can hold a conversation, make eye contact. His main bad senry has been taken care of an no longer happening, now we just have taste, touch and smell sensory that probably won’t go away but has improved. He was adding 3 digit numbers when he was 4/5, reading and writing full sentences by 4. Yes you can take it as bragging but I’m complaining! He mind never stops, and its constant trying to educate his mind and satisfy it, its not an easy task. He is in 2nd grade and since he started 4k his teachers have said there’s nothing they can teach him, they want to bump him 2 grades and I refuse. An 8 yr old 2nd grader shouldn’t be with 4th and 5th graders. It won’t be easy, but kids are never easy. Your partner will come around, until then you will have to pick up the extra distance. My ex took off when son was 8 months old (different reasons but for the best), and if he were to come back he would never make it.
Do counseling together,your child is your child regardless of any physical disabilities !Maybe he’s thinking it’s his fault,so he can’t accept it!Things happen no one’s fault!Our kids are our kids!This makes me sad thinking he’s not accepting your child cause of a disability 
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In time your husband will see and know that what it is…it is…no parent wants their children to be different…we all pray for a healthy will minded child…but it is what it is…we still love our children regardless of their condition…
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I suggest joining the group autism Inclusivity! It’s a group of autistic adults who help educate parents of autistic children. They ask each other questions… It’s full of useful info! I cannot suggest it enough! I’ve learned so much in the few months I’ve been there.
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Sadly they don’t diagnose them till about 5 . Get him in early intervention and etc . That’s what I had to do with my child . He’s 11 now but I’m glad I did because getting a diagnose was difficult because the doctors we did see said he didn’t have it , even though he was showing all the signs we moved back to my hometown and saw a doctor there and he diagnosed him right there said he does have it . Listen to your gut mama . It’s best to get earlier help because it’ll help them in the long run .
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He needs to process and get Jesus in his heart so he can let the emotions out and stand strong. Pray for him.
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A lot of fathers have the issue with anything being “different” with their child because it’s something they can’t try to fix. While different my husband had a pretty tough time with our daughters ADHD diagnosis and even still 4 years after being diagnosed and her almost 12 he will get quiet or try to force a situation because other girls her age are doing it or acting a certain way. It takes me giving him a glance telling him to simply chill out that he realizes what he is doing. As much as I love my father in law it took a visit to them for a week for them to see that her temper can change quickly or she is go, go, go because simply put those kids with neurological issues were not diagnosed all those years ago and when it started to be diagnosed to be on the spectrum, ADHD, ODD etc… a lot of people had it in their heads that it was an excuse for bad behavior. He will come around, when you get the evaluation and the do it visits follow it will start being an eye opener. Hang in there Mama!
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Maybe you’re looking to much into it, he could be saying that so that you worry less or just because it’s not a big deal to him. He’s most likely in denial, that’s his little boy too, maybe talk to him about it.
My husband denied for a long time,and both of mine were diagnosed at age 2.Also one of reasons the divorce rates is 85 percent in Autism households.Hopefully he comes around with time.
My ex friends son showed SO many signs of being on the spectrum and by the time he was 5 i had to say something cause i felt like he was missing out on so much important help he could be getting well she said that hes fine and she doesnt like “labels” and stopped being my friend…labels!? If he has it he has it! I told her so many autistic people do so many amazing things but they need tools to help them and it so important to start as early as possible i really tried to make sure I didn’t mean anything negative i just really loved het kids like my own i have no idea if she ever got him help
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I was diagnosed with ADHD, dyslexia, reading comprehension & I was on the high end of the spectrum. When I was diagnosed people didn’t really know anything about it. I was in the stage where doctors were just learning about all of it with official names. It was really hard for me in school, children would laugh at me when having to read out loud or having to write on the chalkboard. It was really really hard but I adapted. I never had a love for school bc learning was so difficult for me. My parents sent me to all the right schools that dealt with children like me but the learning never really improved bc no one really knew much about it yet. I struggled through school but I did graduate (I’m not sure how) & did a few years at a community college but it just was to hard for me. I did a trade school for a few things in the medical field & I did flourish doing that.
My Dad had the worst time accepting bc he thought he did something wrong. However these diagnoses made my parents more accepting with my school work & my hyper active level. It was in such a new learning state with doctors that they didn’t have a lot of answers for the medication so my parents opted not to put me on anything. I wish they had bc it could have made my life in school & other things so so much easier. I don’t blame them at all bc no one could really tell them anything. I think I would have opted not to put my child on meds at that point in time. However as an adult I have taken some of the medications & boy did it have a great effect on me. Learning was so much easier in life, but I’m no longer taking anything bc of medical problems.
Hopefully your husband will come around and accept your child being on the spectrum. It’s not easy for parents to accept that something is wrong with their child. You definitely need to get you all 3 into counseling asap. This will help your husband in the long run. Don’t let it ruin your marriage! Learn as much as possible bc it is only going to help your child.
One more thing, when it’s time for your child to go to school the government will pay for private schools that have programs for learning disabilities & the spectrum. Lots of parents never learn this. My parents didn’t know this for years after I was an adult. I was in private schools all the years I was in school. My parents always paid out of pocket. I’m very thankful that I had the parents I did bc they helped me so much along the way. Don’t be hard on yourself, it isn’t going away. I’m sending hugs & prayers your way. Sorry this was so long. I’m just trying to tell you from someone on the spectrum. Hope this helps!!
If your child is autistic then it’s who he is. Accept him like any other child
My son has autism but I just say hes different to friends and family bc i know hes able to function higher than some on spectrum, works with therapist daily and i pray will be self sufficient as he gets older and dont want to put him in a position to be treated as if he can’t understand bc thats just holding him back… And some family and friends wont understand that difference of the sides of the spectrum… Autism isn’t curable and it’s hard to say that your child is incurable when in fact autism doesnt mean anything is “wrong with them” just that they process and output information and emotions differently and may need help communicating their needs and aid doing certain things … Maybe he has accepted it in a different manner than you but the fact hes saying hes different is saying hes acknowledging him and his differences. Maybe just be calm, try not to label everything right now and let him work it out as you get these doctors involved. Once you have a diagnosis and maybe even a second opinion he will have to ackowledge it for what it is. Hope this helps.
One; his primary doctor can diagnose him. You don’t have to have a neurologist. Tf?
Two; he doesnt have Autism. He’s Autistic.
Maybe instead of focusing on your husband, you need to research and start saying correct terminology.
The earlier he gets treatment, the better. Early intervention is very important. Get him to a neurologist. Encourage him to read up on autism. Emphasize how early intervention can alleviate challenges your son will face.
A lot of parents fight this diagnosis. He might be blaming himself, especially if it runs in his family. Ultimately, he wants the best for his son. Focus on that.
Once you have an answer from the neurologist, set up family therapy. If he refuses, it might just be you and some of the older children.
Having a special needs child does strain relationships. You two have a lot of kids. Everyone needs to be involved (in age-appropriate ways).
You may not be able to. As bad a it sounds, not everybody can handle that life.
That’s ok.
You’d rather know now. If he won’t get therapy or talk to the Dr’s, you can’t make him accept it.
Early intervention is crucial, go without him if you have to. Your child’s future is so important.
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As his mother… you do whatever it is you need to do for him. Don’t waste time waiting for your husband to stop living in denial. He’ll catch up when he’s ready. As the mother of an autistic daughter, My advice is that I would talk to your doctor on what services are around you and get started. I wouldn’t even wait for the neurologist. Set the appointment but those could take months.
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No matter what take care of your son…good luck