You did not cause the ADHD you cannot force the father to participate I would not let him come around again unless he intends to stay in his life get another male role model
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First have him m reevaluated for anxiety. Is there a father figure uncle, grandparent who could step up. Tell son itās okay to love dad but he isnāt capable of being a real dad. Itās not his fault There are childrenās books on the topic. Check the library. Have him see a counselor.
If you donāt have child support get it. Child abandonment. Discuss the situation with a worker
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As long as your doing whatās best for your childā¦ allowing dad to come and go isnt healthy for your childā¦ hopefully you say dad has to work outa townā¦ this breaks my heartā¦ poor boy!
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Stop allowing him in and out of your childās life next time if he wants to see him tell him to go to court for visitation and if he does that then it can be documented.
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I would say try finding a older male to step inā¦ Like uncles or maybe granddad if heās blessed to have one or more or even a good guy friend you trust to spend some time doing guy things. All little boys need male role model doesnāt have to unlessaly be his dad if he hasnāt been a round just someone reliable to give him that male bonding. Wish you the best! Even the big brother program just other guy to look up too
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Idk if itāll really help but you can explain to your son how so many families look different. Some kids live with both parents or just. 1 parent some kids even live grandparents or aunt and uncles maybe even their cousins. Iām sure thereās another kid in his class whoās dad isnāt around.
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Start a journal with your son pass it back and forth. Never underestimate the fact that you have never left. I promise you he sees you. This is tricky because it dosent matter how you slice it he will have feelings about this it could be sadness or anger or confusion. Eventually he will mature and he wont need to question everything. A therapist could be a good start as well sometimes he may not want to talk with you about things and thatās ok. Iām so sorry your going thru this. I was a child who my father did exactly what your describing. I definitely took it out on my mom ALOT. But honestly I never ment what I said. My mom was and still is my best friend and hero of my heart. The journal was really good for me it allowed me and my mom to talk without interrupting. I hope for the best and your doing a fabulous jobš
Interesting that kids would be teasing him about not having a dad. File abandonment against dad and he done with that revolving door.
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My kids asked me this question when they were young - no father in the picture, no contact, nothing.
My response was āYou donāt need a dad, youāve got me!ā
Tell your son that some kids need TWO parents to look after them - but heās so awesome; he only needs you!
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Maybe a organization such as Big Brothers/Sisters will help. Sounds like he is needing a male figure in his life to do boy things withā¦. maybe a uncle or older cousin. What ever the case may be stop letting that man play head games with your son. His heart doesnāt have a swinging door for people to walk in and out so of course it hurts him when it happens. Get him involved with some kid type activities that will keep him occupiedā¦. And no, not video games. Something group related with peers of his own age and he will quickly realize how many kids are without a parent out thereā¦.even some of those that are teasing him 
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Donāt allow the āfatherā to keep coming and going in his life. Youāve given him multiple times to be in his sons life and heās shown you time and time again that heās not sticking around. Donāt allow it anymore. Tell him if he wants to see his son he has to go thru the court system now. That youāre no longer subjecting your son to his behavior. And when your son turns 18 if he chooses to have anything to do with his father, itāll be his decision. Until then stop the yo-yoing dad
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Teach himā¦like yourselfā¦that he doesnāt need āTHATā man!!!
Lots of good advice here- in this situation, I highly suggest going over to the One Moms Battle fb page. Most posts are about custody issues and changing the system, but there are definitely posts and comments on others addressing exact things like this. VERY supportive page/group when it comes to trying to navigate kids through this stuff, as well as your own suffering having to see your child go through this. Tons of resources as well!
Your boy isnāt alone. My son is now almost 15 his dad was in an out up till he got sent back to Mexico. His dad tries to contact him then goes back to jail all the time. He hates what his dad has done to himself an him. But he also knows you canāt force someone to be a father. He loves his dad but he knows they wonāt get that bond like he would love to have. My son has adhd an odd with Depression an social anxiety if you are failing so am I. You arenāt alone he will see who is there an loves him just like my boy did. He still has his days but he knows Iām his rock an will be his bridge with every step his takes in life. You arenāt failing you are learning to love just a little extra. Remember you two are a team.
They have big brother programs please look into it!!
And be honest with your son heās nine years old he knows his dadās a flake, just explain to your son that thatās part of his dadās character that heās a dumbass but that doesnāt mean he doesnāt love him.
Donāt let him see the father off and on anymore, period. Even if he asks, even if he said he changed, donāt do it. He proved he canāt.
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Sit your son down and talk to him like you said he is old enough to understand so help him work through his feelings. Second stop letting this toxic person come in an out of his life. Heās had plenty of chances now if he wants to be in your sons life he can wait until your son is older and can make that decision for himself. The title father is earned not just given.
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All good advice. Put your foot down and stop that revolving door. If he decides he really wants to see him again then he can take you to court and you can violate him when he donāt show up. All that aside your son will see that you were there for him as he gets older but at his age it gets a little harder not having that āmanā figure. Does he have an uncle or a close friend of yours that can spend some time with him? Not saying he needs a man to do ādad stuffā youāre deff good enough for that. But sometimes just having that extra person who shows someone else really does care is helpful
ADHD is not caused by something you do. Itās a chemical imbalance. I would definitely get him and you together and separate counseling. Maybe try to find a male role model, even a cool teacher can sometimes help ( not that it will fix things) but having someone will help. It sucks being bullying but for me I would probably tell my kid to tell those kids running there mouths that clearly he has a āfatherā bc thatās how he was madeā¦ itās better to not have a dad then have a shitty one once in awhile. Keep being an awesome mom to him, he will grow and learn that you have his back. I probably wouldnāt keep letting this guy back in his life just to break his heart again.
Is he paying child support
You are an awesome parent. Be both parents for him I raised two girls alone. The best thing I have done was didnāt have father who left us with nothing. We survived without these fathers.
Stay strong 
#1 ADHD is genetic so stop that.
#2 is your son in any outside school activities? Having outlets like that where he can make friends and not think about all the hard stuff can really help.
#3 is he in therapy? He needs someone that specializes in children with trauma, you didnāt do this his father did. You might benefit from some therapy too to work through your guilt. You donāt deserve it, thatās not your guilt to have.
#4 from here on out it is up to your son if he sees his father. Like you said he is old enough to see what is going on. You had to be the decider when your son didnāt have a voice. You tried your best. Your son is old enough now though. With the help of the therapists you and your son can talk and help him decide what he wants. You can help him understand who his father is, and that doesnāt mean tell him everything. You can definitely tell him heās not reliable though and that it isnāt your sonās fault.
I was abandoned multiple times by my dad too. Itās a hard road, but if you at all at any time appear to be keeping them apart youāll become the bad guy until heās older and can see more clear. Hell Iām 31 and even though I hate my dad Iām still upset my mom took me to see my grandma every Halloween and never told me that was my grandma.
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I think you need to get your son and yourself into counseling. Heās more than likely going to take his anger out on you and maybe a counselor can get through to him in time so he can deal with his feelings and live a healthy life in the future. As for the kids at school, Iād be marching my butt into that school and demanding that school administration take care of it. Or put your kid in boxing and let him take care of business on his own. 
Some of these little jerks need put in their place
First sit your son down and tell him his sperm donor chooses to be absent, tell him he has done nothing wrong that the problem us all his father. Next time sperm donor wants to be in his life ask your son if he wants it, if he says tes ask if he is sure and remind him of the pattern then follow his wishes. If he says no then donāt allow the visit.
Get him a male mentor Big brother and sister
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Get him involved in scouts or a program with males figures. I raise two boys by myself and this is what I did. Some of the fathers āadoptedā my sons and let them hang with them and their sons to do āguyā
Stuff.
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How sad. 
Sadly, heās old enough to have a talk with him and let him know exactly whatās going on with his dad and whatever type of person heās in.
Iād just block the da four completely.
1 stay parent is better than 1 and a half ass causing emotional distress.
He isnāt fatherless his father just isnāt always there, he has issues that arenāt your or your sons fault. (mental illness?) Your son needs to know itās not about him or his mother, itās a problem his father has and only he( father) can fix/change it. Sounds like he sees dr and should see a therapist and so should you. Itās very helpful to understand its nothing to do with anyone but the father.
Possibly check out the BIG BROTHERS organization? Donāt let just any man spend time w/ him! Be Safe!!!
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Counseling. For both of you. 
sorry you both are going through that.
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Traumatic stress can play a role in the development of ADHD in children BUT genetics are the main fator in children/people with ADHD
I understand the revolving door my daughter has a son whose father is not involved And a she has made hard choices to ensure that her sonās dad is not a revolving door in her sonās life. In the beginning she had an open-door policy he was welcome to see and spend time with his son whenever he wanted. Then he just disappeared for months and she told him when he came back around if he did it again she would not allow him to be involved in their sonās life IF he couldnāt be consistent and that he would have to take her to court to get visitation if he couldnāt be consistent on a regular with the time he spent with his son. so you could try going that route maybe but it takes a backbone to stand up and hold your ground about it. My grandsonās father is currently uninvolved in my grandsons life because after my daughter told his dad to be more consistent or take her to court months went by of him being consistent and and then he just dropped off the face of the Earth again and has made no attempt over the last four to six months to do anything through the courts or otherwise
Iām so sorry. You tried. He will see that. I hope counseling will help
I would take him to court, and get a parenting order ASAP, for your sons sake, or get him to waive his rights, thatās so not fair, I took my childās dad to court when he first left, as Iām not as nice or patient as you.
Therapy. Her needs to know that his fathers choices are only on his father. At this point, Iād terminate his rights at this point. Heās made this bed. Make him lay in it.
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Cut all ties. He should suffer not your child
These are good suggestions. Scouts. Big brother is good too. Cut ties so his dad is not around at all.
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I have just been through this with my 11 year oldā¦ Her sperm donor wanted nothing to do with her when I got pregnantā¦ 10 years later my daughter has to watch her siblings go their dads every 2nd weekend and decided she wanted to know her dad so I reached out to himā¦ he was messaging her for about a month I arranged for them to meet then he just cut her offā¦ I have sent about 6 messages since then with no replyā¦ Makes me sick how people can just do thatā¦ So I have told him while she is in my care he has nothing to do with her Iām not having her go through thatā¦ Once she is older that is her decisionā¦ it is super hard watching them go through the heartache but all we can do is be there for themā¦ Unfortunately itās one situation we canāt control
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My grandson is 14 and his father is in and out of his life and has been all his life. Most time he is ignored. He is in therapy now, and itās helped him so much. He still loves his father, but he is wary of him and how much he has been hurt by him.
All you can do is reassure him that to your dying breath you will be there to love and support him and that you can only feel sorry for his fathers inability to realize who the most important person in his life should be
Young one - first stop blaming your self for anotherās shortcomings ( father) second - ADHD is a disability not a behavior caused his environment.
You are doing a good job. As far as bullying- bring it to the schools attention. This anger followed by crying is a sign of frustration- control his environment- do not let this man cause drama in your life. Your child, your house, your rules and Your life. I do suggest possibly finding something of interest to get involved with- sports, clubs, martial arts - you to be part this. This will help you by having other parents to bounce things off or learn. It help your baby get a lilā more energy out and learning to focus something other than school stuff and whatnot. Itāll help trust n believe 
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You did not give your son ADHD you sound like a good MOM. I believe that you and your son need help. Find a professional that YOU and your SON feel comfortable with and who can give you some counselling.
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Stop letting this man come in and out of your childās life! You see what itās doing to him, the father clearly doesnāt want to be a father. You cannot force someone to be a parent. Stop blaming yourself because this is not your fault, also reassure your child that itās not his fault either. When he gets old enough to understand more explain to him that some people just donāt want to be a parent, some people wonāt grow up and mature enough to be a child. But you have to stop allowing this to go on, itās better if you cut all ties and next time he asks to see his kid say no. You and your child donāt deserve this and itās your job to protect him, but this is in no way your fault. As for your child, get him into sports and therapy would be good too.
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I honestly wouldnāt have allowed it after the second time but itās not your fault it is his and his only. Iām so sorry that your son has to go through this
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I really donāt know how to give thanks to priest Roso for bringing my beloved back with his powers. I never would have believed that I could have my wife again after leaving my kids angry and my wife got frustrated because I didnāt care for them. I realized that I have done the wrong thing to my lovely family, which resulted in a separation between myself and my wife and children. I have been in pain for a number of years after trying by all possible means to get it back but to no avail. Someone talked about Priest Roso and I felt that I could be helped too and had to ask him for help too, to feel happy again for the first time in so many years It felt like a dream to me, but it was a reality. In short, I and my family are reunited and my wife is very happy to be with me again. I feel very comfortable with the help of priest Roso is blessed and I really appreciates his great effort towards my life and that of my family. Since the great priest Roso was referred to me, I would ask and Iām also happy to pass onto anyone who needs help to contact him through the page by clicking on the link below 
Redirecting...
My youngest son is 8 now and last seen his āfatherā 5 years ago. I left him come in and out for only so long til the only time he would care or call was when he was in jail. I cut off communication and my son donāt want to see him but it still bothers him especially when he sees his brother go to his dads or sees his friends with their dads. Heās in counseling through the school and sees a therapist that also makes trips to his school. Its definitely helped. I also remind him when he does get down that he still has great men in his life like his pappy and my bf and his brothers dad takes sometimes to include him in when he can. You didnāt give your son adhd. Maybe try some therapy where you both can go and do it together
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First of all it is absolutely NOT ur fault, by the sounds of it u have done ur utmost to try to ensure that ur son āhad a Dadā.
When my daughter was young, I always told her that EVERYONE has a Daddy, but that hers was just a bit selfish sometimes, but that he DID love her.
I was trying to give her some honesty about the situation, and at the same time ātryingā to let her know that she DID in fact have a Dad, and that she WAS loved, plus, that it was no fault of hers, but his!, to try to take the burden of blame off of her lil shoulders, Co they do tend to blame themselves unfortunately.
I would also definitely seek counselling for him
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Can you get him a ābig brotherā or someone who takes him out and spends time with him. A male figure? Donāt blame yourself for his fathers constant miscommunication. However I wouldnāt say yes next time either.
Be as honest w ur son as u are being here with us. Admit the mistake youāve made of allowing this man to come in and out over and over again and finally; stop allowing it. It will not ever change. I think you can see that now. You owe that man nothing; so donāt feel bad about saying NO.
Your son will eventually understand that it isnāt fully ur fault; u simply tried to keep the connect with Dad alive for him and he will also understand that not having a father around doesnāt make him any less important or less of anything at all. Itās so sadly common that I find the kids who are bullying him over it to be quiet idiotic. Itās literally that common, unfortunately. Lol
Teach him to laugh things off and grow a thicker skin because life is going to always try to bully him into giving up.
Lastly, a reminder, STOP BEING NICE TO THIS MAN lol
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When he walks away let him walk do not let him back
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Do not let anyone into your sonās life if they are so immature and thoughtless. How many times does your son have to be hurt?
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Do not respond to the sperm donor under any circumstances. Absolutely no contact period.
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Join a big brother program for your son.
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Move away and make a fresh start.
Adhd isnāt caused from a person. So you definitely shouldnāt blame yourself. The father sucks. After the second time you should have stop letting him come into his life. So that part is YOUR fault.
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Okay well I would start by maybe doing therapy for the both of you to help you both work through this and I would also contact the school in regards to the bullying.
Also cut all ties with ādadā you both are better off without him.
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Iām a mom of a now 31 yr old young lady that went through this same with her Father. I always let her decide, didnāt bad mouth him,etc. I cried bc it broke my heart every time he broke her heart. He still has never figured out Fatherhoodā¦and she still hurts. I wanted to cut all contact but I always let her decide. I think it was best thing for her, for us,but every person is different. You have to do what YOU feel is best
Adhd isnāt ācausedā by anything. Stop letting that muthereffer back in!
By you giving this man so many chances shows how much you love your son and how much you wanted him to have his dad but now its time to say no more. Heās done damage and he clearly is going to keep doing the same thing. I really do applaud your efforts but please for the both of you donāt allow him in again. He doesnāt deserve the title of dad. As for helping him and yourself Iād say councilling both individual and you and son together, maybe a male role model like an uncle, grandpa, maybe another family member would be willing to step in a couple hours a week or even thru big brothers that is a wonderful organization that my son did great with. Donāt beat yourself up you are doing a wonderful job. Keep the father blocked, do not entertain him or his wants in any way. Heās caused some damage but it can be worked thru donāt let him cause more that could be permanently detrimental to your son. Keep you the good work Momma you got this
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At 9 he is old enough to know his ādadā is a part time person who comes around whenever he feels like it. Why donāt you sign him up for Big Brothers or if possible let him spend time with a Uncle.
Dad is being the best dad he knows how to be ā¦
YOU be the best mom you can be - your son needs that, right <3Fill his ālove-cupā daily with your words and physical touching and hugs -
Donāt count on dad for anything and you wonāt be disappointed -
Get him into big brother program it might help
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Cut that man out COMPLETELY. This back and forth is not good for your baby and WILL make it worse.
Definitely find some counseling for both of you.
Be as honest with him as his age allows. Answer his questions directly, donāt give more information than he needs, just enough.
My son is 12 now, we dealt with the same thing. Itās hard at first, but in the end my son is healthy, happy, and full of normal preteen sass.
You can do it Momma. 
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Please donāt accept or shoulder that responsibility. Your only error was trusting the father. Let it and him go. Many children are raised with only one parent. Let him know that he is one of many! Nothing to be ashamed of!, and that the bullies are just mean kids who probably have big problems of their own.
First off, you try to see the good in everybody and like giving the benefit of the doubt. I do this too. As do some others. You are not responsible for his actions and you couldnāt have known that heād leave again.
You have to learn to forgive yourself. If this was a close friend of hers, would you understand why she did it or would you tell her that itās her fault? Have the same compassion and understanding for yourself.
Also, ADHD is really common. More people have ADHD than not. I promise itās manageable.
Therapy will help. Being Mama Bear and raising hell at the school until they fix it is another. Set up play dates so he has somebody.
Do not let him come back
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Stop allowing this man to hurt your baby. He aināt shit, never has been never will b. Tell your son you made a bad choice for a partner but it has nothing to do with him.
I am really really sorry and I feel that pain as well 100.
My sons papa was not given his renewed visa which cut a knife into everything.
My heart has been aching since my son was born.
Now in your situation, your sons father is very ignorant and unstable.
I would not have him cutting in/out.
Screw him.
Child support if he is working.
Anyway Big Brother Big Sister is a fantastic fantastic organization.
My son loves to go out w/ his big brother.
They are from the same culture and they both like most of the same things.
He is really an awesome friend/mentor for my son.
My son also has adhd and sometimes his outburst , too are so hard.
Your strong, Iām strong.
We will get through this.
Sincerely,
Ms. Hillā:blush:
I am in the same boat with you as far as my daughter baby daddy is concerned. She has sat and cried over him pisses me off cuz he had caused her so much pain. You just need to comfort him donāt say any thing bad bout his dad let him figure that out on his own. He will eventually see the light and make his mind up as 2 put up with it or just write him off. But donāt feel bad bout it itās not your fault itās his! I have never kept her father away from her I begged 4 him 2 come see her I would even go get him so he could see her. I went as far as talking to the court 2 enforce visitation but they canāt do thatā¦ Sheās 13 now and has pretty much decided she doesnāt want anything 2 do with him. She was also his only child 4 12 years then has 2 more. Signed his rights over 2 the second one. Just had the 3rd. And it has broke her heart. 
She however does have a relationship with the 2nd child her half brother and she loves him 2 death. Sheās unsure of she wants a relationship with the new one and Iām not gonna force it. Just let your son know that heās loved.
Ditch the bitch. Heās worthless. If your son wants a relationship with his sperm donor, wait until heās an adult. You have to pull up your Manny panties and take control. No more damaging chances and get your son counseling. This way he wonāt blame himself for chasing daddy away, or feelings of abandonment as he will surely internalize.