well now for the past like going on months when its our weekend with her shes been telling us she doesnt want to come over⌠she wants to stay at her home. & its been kinda making me worry as too why? do I ask the mother why she hasnt been wanting to come over⌠my husband says that shell tell us when she wants to come to not force her to do anything she doesnt want to do. Im just a little heartbroken because I know i try to be the best mama to be her. I make her feel comfortable at our home⌠i treat her the same as if she was mine. I just hope its nothing major⌠any advice?? I know this was sooo long.
Im a step mama to my husbands 9yr daughter. My husband and I been together for 10 years, married for 4. we have one child together. Ever since we both found out he had a daughter she was (1) we were very active in her life.. we live 2 hrs away so we always went to get her and bring her back every other weekend. He paid the mother monthly payments non court issued. Well fast fwd a little.. when she was roughly 5ish.. the mother kept her away from us for 3yrs because she said she wasnt receiving enough $$ from my husband.. then fast fwd to last year 2020 she contacted us saying she wants us in her life again.. okay great we been fully there and present like the 3yrs absent never happened.. we still got her every other weekend.. we got her for the whole summer.. etc .. she was always asking why she cant come every weekend instead of every other.. we tell her.. well honey.. its a 4hr drive and thats a lot of gas money..
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Go to court thatâs literally only option
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Ehh court would solve that issue, but probably not in the best way. Your husband is right, especially when she is entering those pre teen years (itâs coming) you canât force her⌠unless there is court saying that she has to come. Remember, even though you love her like your own, and thatâs wonderful, she has her own mother too. There could be something going on over there.
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I would get a court arrangement for support and visits. She canât deny him his daughter due to monetary bullshit
Maybe she is refusing because she is worried about the gas money it costs
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Go to court and get a court order. If you dont, her mother will never stop influencing her and filing her head with garbage, and playing this game. Itâs not about âif she wants to come over.â Every child needs and deserves the opportunity to spend time with BOTH parents in order to create and strengthen that bond. That would be something I wouldnât take lightly, or give up willingly, whatsoever. Especially when it seems like mom is influencing the child in question. If thereâs a court order, she has to come. Mom doesnât get a choice in it, itâs contempt of court if she doesnât.
Also. In the future, donât discuss money being a factor or gas. Children want to be fixers. They donât want to be the problem. When you mention adult issues to a child, they will think itâs their fault. Whether she is making this decision or mom is keeping her for whatever reason doesnât so much matter. What shouldâve been said, was, âwe would love to, honey, but thatâs not what the agreement is with your mother.â You shouldâve asked her if that was something she really wanted. If she was serious about it, then it shouldâve been a conversation mom and dad had about it. That conversation could be the reason she isnât coming over. Dad needs to get to the bottom of it. If that means driving 2 hours to go talk to her in person, then do it. Immediately. A phone call doesnât mean much. But showing up. Does.
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I would say first thing is you need to go to court and get a court order. Now after that if she doesnât want to come and your husband doesnât want to force her than thatâs fine. There could be a lot of reasons why. Maybe itâs the mother saying things to her, maybe she is worried about the cost or maybe she is getting older and wants to do other things. If you have a decent relationship with her mother then ask her.
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Sheâs starting to go through puberty and probably feels the most comfortable at home. She also might feel like itâs a financial burden to be going over since she was told itâs expensive. Going to court can go one of two ways. They force her to go or the judge allows supervised visitations since she doesnât want to go.
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How can you be together 10year but have a 9year old step daughter 
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Let her know that seeing her and being with her is more important than the money cheese and crackers Iâm sure this girl has some idea of money situations. Iâm not trying to be mean but sheâs at an age where sheâs starting to change and I can almost bet that telling her it was to much to come get her every weekend hurt her sweet heart sheâs just not gonna say it. Poor baby
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Your husband should have filed for legal visitations in the beginning and allowed the courts to decide the child support amount. They may have given more than the weekend given the distance. Especially if the childrenâs lawyer heard that she wanted more than every other weekend.
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Long is fine, momma may be jeolous and obviosly telling her bad things, next time she comes sit her down and talk to her, if you guys want her go 2 court, sad situation for the child.
Parental alienation has most likely already began. Actually it began when she withheld the child for more money. I know it may come as a surprise to many women, but children are not walking talking paychecks. Go to court. Get her into counseling. Get her away from her motherâs abuse. Parental alienation is child abuse.
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You lost me when you told her itâs a 4 hr drive and a lot of gas money
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Did you hear the child say she didnât want to come or did it come from the mother? Iâd look more into the situation and go to court.
Please go to court and setup visitation and child support. Then have a real conversation with the kiddo. No judgment - early tweens like to be with friends and hunker down in familiar surroundings but itâs important that o talk to her
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Why did he allow 3 years to go by without seeing his daughter? If he really wanted to be a father he wouldâve taken her to court, established rights & responsibilities. Heâs telling you step back on her not wanting to come over now. It sure sounds like heâs not really into her dad. Itâs more you wanting to be her mom. She has a mom. The daughter can sense you wanting to replace her mom. You need to listen to your husband. If he wants to her father heâll put the effort in, heâs not. Itâs not your place to force his daughter to do anything.
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My daughter is 9 and me and her father are together so I donât have that issue! But sometimes she donât want to go other places because she has a very close friend here and she doesnât wanna miss her while sheâs gone! Mauve thatâs the issue. But I think go to court and get everything in order!
He should of went to court over 3 years ago for his daughter if he actually really cares about her. You may care about her but that big gap didnât help. She is not old enough to decide and your husband needs to step up. A true father will fight for his children. Iâm sorry but if she doesnât want to come over itâs his own fault.
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Kinds understand money. U told her its a lot of moneyâŚthen she stops comingâŚthat should never be a kids worry. I would of told her that she needs weekends with mom too but that u guys would all talk about it. And then talk to the mom about either brining her one of the weekends so u get her 3 or bringing her thebother 2 or meeting hakf way the ither two times or each time. The money in betting is het concern. My son is that way if he rrqlizes something is too much money even for groceries something special he likes he tells me not to make it because it costs too much.
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At her age you can totally have this conversation with her 
âI treat her as if she was mineâ I doubt that, because any loving, caring, attentive parent would be damned if someone tried to keep their child away from them for even a day, let alone THREE years. Paying whatever child support payment without a government agency removing it from your check isnât something to applaud itâs a very small and basic requirement of being a parent. An even bigger part of being a parent is always being there and putting the child first. All of you, every adult in that kids life need to get your stuff together and do whatâs best for her. Go to court, get a court order, figure out all of the visitation, child support, extracurricular activities, clubs, programs, holidays, transportation, insuranceâŚeverything⌠BUT only if you guys are actually going to remain in her life every single day for all time, no excuses.
You told her no on getting her every weekend instead of everything other weekendâŚby her age sheâs probably thinking I donât want to go then if I canât g every weekend
Omg take bm to court already and get a parenting plan in place. Go get child support done with the courts. All that money ur husband is giving his bm is just a gift in thr courts eyes. Get a order with the court for child support. Because if she files with the court she could get back pay on child support and ur husband will own alot of money. If ur hushand really wanted to be apart of his daughters life he would have took her to court when he wasnt seeing her for those 3 years. He didnt fight to see his child like he should have.
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Question: how is she 9 and you and your husband have been together for 10 years?!
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Do you and your husband argue/fight in front of her?
Does she have her own room set up at your house?
How does your husband treat her?
My 10 year old niece stopped going to her dads for those three reasons. Him and his girlfriend have had a couple pretty big arguments/fights in front of her that left her feeling very upset/uncomfortable. She doesnât have a room at her dads, her and her brother have to sleep on the couch together, and her dad is an ass to her most of the time (he thinks itâs just him teaching the kids to be tough - you know the whole âitâs 2021 and my kid wonât be a cupcakeâ mentality? Totally get it, but he takes it way overboard.â
Just some things to consider. Iâm not sure how it is at your household. If any of this is even close to how it is there.
He should have taken her to court a long time ago especially during the time the mom kept her away. Iâm sorry but it seems he doesnât even want to be a father to this child. He let THREE years go by with no contact and now heâs like sheâll come when she wants 
. You should have never told the child you donât have gas money to get her every weekendâŚfind the money!! Heâs clearly not wanting to make any effort to be this childâs father and I donât blame her⌠Iâd stay away too!!
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Kids go through stages. They donât want to leave their friends or games they play. Let her know she can come anytime she wants. Call her on a regular. Eventually she will come to your house.
#1 your husband should have gone to court and fought for her! He should have fought nothing kept him from her but his willingness to fight for her.
#2 why would you ever tell a child itâs to expensive to get them? You never tell a child something like that.
If you all really wanted her heâd fight for her not matter the cost! My ex drives almost 2hrs for a 6hr visit when they happen. Thatâs the only good thing I can say about him is that he drives 4hrs for a 6hr visit. At one point it was just meeting for lunch and then over to 3hrs and now itâs been 6hrs per week for almost 3yrs! He doesnât do much else like heâs NOT at all involved in my sons medical appointment or schooling or activities. Like when I say he does bare minimum I mean he does basically nothing. But he drives the almost 2hrs one way for the visit and sometimes gets here and my son refuses to go.
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Kids need their parents, itâs our job to fight for them. Kids want to feel wanted. If sheâs uncomfortable at your place itâs probably because she is growing up and has mostly grown up without her dad fighting for her.
Iâm sorry, no amount of money in the world is going to keep me from my children. No distance either. He should have stepped up a long time ago.
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I have a 10 year old daughter that goes to her dads every other weekend but lately she hasnât really been wanting to go cause she likes going to friends houses for sleepovers or have friends over at our house. So her dad says thatâs fine and she at least stays just one night on his weekends with him. I went through the same thing at her age too. Maybe your stepdaughter is wanting to just hangout with friends. What Iâm confused about is why on earth you guys were ok with going 3 years with no visits? You guys probably made that child feel like you all didnât care so now she doesnât wanna come around!! Good luck
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Its probably because u said it was too much money to drive there and back every weekend. We use to be that way with my grandparents. They take it to saying u donât have the excess money so they r trying to take it off u having to do so so u have more money (think like.if I do this u can do this which will benefit this in the long run)
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Well unfortunately you have absolutely NO say whatsoever amd people saying take it to court Only one who can do that is her father and by the sounds of it heâs ok with her decision not to come over like he said when sheâs ready and hes absolutely right cant force a kid, my advice to you is to just leave it cos if you start poking your nose around to why she doesnât wanna come that might lead to her dad never seeing her again so what im really saying is
Mind ya own business âŚ
Is hubby willing to go to court? Birth mother used it as a way to get money in the past. Sounds like someone may be pressuring her. Especially if the tune turned 180 degrees. Call and speak to her frequently. D finitely have a heart to heart with husband
Get courts involved and get legal custody
Fight for her. Fight to be with her more often that means moving closer to her, and going to court. She needs to know her dad wants to see her and will do anything for her.
First off you guys shouldâve filed some court documents. Never shouldâve let mom take 3 whole years away from developing a relationship with her dad. Your inaction also damaged that relationship. Never tell a child well too much gas money to see you more, guarantee she no longer feels important or truly loved. That relationship shouldâve been a priority and it wasnât so now you reap the consequences.
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Who knows what went on for the 3 years you all didnât see her. Not to mention, depending on her age, she may be at the age where she is either secluding herself to her room, which is her comfort zone or maybe she wants to spend her weekends with her friends. I have so many questions about this whole situation though. Why wouldnât Dad petition the court for visitation when the mother stopped allowing her to come over? If yâall wanted to see her, nothing would have stopped you. My daughter is 8. Her biological father has been MIA for 5 years. Weâre in the process of my husband adopting her and now her dead beat dad wants to start seeing her (after he forfeited his custody and visitation during our divorce). I told my husband, I will spend every penny we have on a lawyer to make sure he doesnât get anywhere near that baby after the damage he did to her before. There is NOTHING that can keep a parent from their child, if they really want to be there. And as for telling her that yâall canât afford to pick her up every weekend? Really? When a child is asking a parent to see them more, they find a way.
Why did yall go three years without seeing her? Why hasnât your husband filed for visitation rights? He needs to get on that.
âI treat her the same as I do my ownââŚnope. you do notđ¤ˇ.
If you only had every other weekend with YOUR child and the only way to increase that was if you drove 2hrs one wayâŚ
You ARE driving.
I garrentee it.
For YOUR babies, youâll do anything.
But herâŚ4hrs extra driving is just to much.
You basically told a child she wasnât worth the time and gasâŚshe doesnât understand Dollar valuesâŚshe just understands that sheâs TO expensive for daddy to want. So maybe she stays home, cuz she doesnât wanna cost yâall that money you pointed out you canât affordđ¤ˇ
So please donât lie to yourself to feel better. You donât treat her as your own, cuz youâd never do that to your own.
Like WHO tells a child, or anyone for that matter, that saving PAPER is more important then they areâŚlike da heck!?!
No wonder she wonât come nowâŚshe wasnât worth the $$ and she knows itâŚso sheâs saving you some moređ¤ˇ.
Cuz had you treated her as your ownâŚsheâd be at your house every weekend cuz youâd be taking ALL the time you could getâŚso at least acknowledge thatâŚ
Then 3yrs of no contactâŚonly for contact to start back up because of herâŚso dad gave up once already?
Why is she gonna put effort after effortâŚwhen none is given back?
You canât seem to fight to see herâŚas fatherâs have rights. Court would have gotten him accessâŚhad he filed for it.
Then⌠you canât even seem to come up with some extra $$ so she can come by more, so the bond can grow, after 3yrs of dad being AWOL.
I meanâŚIâd cut my loses to, to be honestâŚeven at 9âŚthey know whoâs got them, and who could care lessđ¤ˇ.
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Has your hubby had parental rights established. If not I would go to court and get them established. And I say what a good man taking care of this child even without rights. Even paying the bio mom money without rights or court order. Not many men would do that. But he need to get his rights established or he technically has no say in her life what so ever. But with right the court will set up child support and the bio canât use that against him anymore. And she canât keep the baby away anymore