I am a mother of two, and currently in a relationship with a wonderful man. My oldest is from a previous relationship, and we are still good friends. He pays child support, and I have bent over backwards for him to have access to his kid as much as he wants. Recently, though, he has kept his distance. He first said it was because of covid, but is now using work as an excuse, and hasn’t allowed any visits for two years.
My boyfriend has made no secret about wanting to adopt my older child after we get married, and has for some time. He even pulled them aside and asked if it was OK, and how they felt about it. I am over the moon and excited about it, but how should I approach their dad? He hasn’t been in the picture for so long, with the exception of infrequent calls and me texting updates. I feel like part of him would be happy because he wouldn’t have to pay child support anymore, but I also don’t want to make him angry or insult him. How do I approach this?
Help a mama out and respond anonymously on our forum. How to I approach my childs bio dad about giving up his rights?
Are you kidding!!! You have got to be desperate for a wedding, a husband or something!!! What “man” using that term loosely, would take a child and ask them about something like that when you don’t even know what the hell you want! Sounds like a control freak to me who doesn’t want you to have anything to do with your ex. IT IS NONE OF HIS BUSINESS AND THAT WAS TOTALLY UNCALLED FOR!!! JUST MY OPINION. BUT YOU CANNOT HAVE HIS PARENTAL RIGHTS REMOVED WITHOUT A VALID REASON. DONT EVEN ASK.
I mean you can approach him about it all you want but don’t be mad or disappointed if he says no, I’ve heard of situations like this happening and it ends up in custody battles believe it or not.
Two years??? I’d be like hey you piece of shit how do you feel about never having to worry about me or your kids again in your life?? Release your rights so they can have a real dad.
You guys asked the child before asking the parent?
Ask him to do an open adoption.
So weird…just a fantasy…the ‘kid’ has a father, leave it at that…sheesh
When we looked into it for literally the same situation, if you bring on an attorney, they will actually reach out to them with a petition to end their rights. I also learned if they can’t get ahold of them outright, the attorney will place ads in newspapers and billboards around their last known living area .
If you aren’t going through and attorney,you just have to reach out and ask point blank. Rip off the band aid so to speak. Good luck!
You’ll need a good and valid reason for rights to be terminated.
I say worry about that way later down the line…
In my state, if bio Dad doesn’t relinquish rights or consent to the adoption, you can still petition the court to approve the adoption BUT there has to be X amount of time where no child support has been paid and/or no meaningful relationship maintained. My best advice would be to get a lawyer if you don’t have one.
The bio dad basically has abandoned his child. He hasn’t seen him in 2 yrs. Covid is NOT an excuse! You need to hire an attorney 1st. Ask the bio dad if he will sign his rights away. If he says no take him to court.
The fact that your boyfriend asked your kids if he could adopt them without you present is a huge red flag. Dad has historically been involved and pays child support, I doubt a judge would terminate his rights.
BOYFRIEND (not fiance, not husband) should not have approached the child about it until the PARENTS have discussed it
Your man should ask , not you. But don’t be shocked if he says no.
Sounds like he abandoned them to me, so I applaud the boyfriend for being a man about the situation.
The fact the child was asked first before the bio dad is so wrong… That’s putting false hope into the poor kid.
Because the Father still calls off and on, but not frequently as you mentioned in your post, it’s unlikely a Judge would grant it anyway. They see this as the bio parent is still communicating and wanting to be active in a sense. Messaging and calling about the kids still counts as involvement in the Courts eyes. You can ask the Father, but I wouldn’t get too excited just in case
Get a lawyer. Document the communications between bio father and the child. Let the lawyer send a petition for termination of parental rights and handle the messy stuff.
You dont. How rude just cuz your Boyfriend wants to doesnt it make it right. You just dont know how bad it hurts a kid when a parent signs them away. Its permanent damage. Still to this day im 53 im mad my father did because my mom was crazy and he didnt want to pay child support. My bio dad is a good person made mistakes like people do. Nobody’s perfect. But wanting him to sign off because your. BOYFRIEND wants him to is WRONG. Im sure as women like yourself leaves out certain info to make their ideal better. You dont know what its like to realize your parent signed their rights away. It messes with a kids head. Stop being self centered think of your kid not simply doing what your Boyfriend wants you to do.
Your boyfriend asked the children if he could adopt them? He bypassed you and their father and just took it upon himself to ask the children? This smacks of major control issues. I’ve seen this crap before (I was the in this scenario) and the man was amazing until my mother married him and he adopted us snd then he showed his true colors. He was a psychopath who had us all under his thumb. He couldn’t have had so much control if our dad had still been in the picture and he knew that. If this were me, I would be rid of the boyfriend ASAP and call the father and ask what is going on with him that he’s not being a more active participant in their lives.
I’d be concerned that your current ‘partner’ (not fiance, not husband) pulled them to the side to ask them if adoption was OKAY 
Hmmm you are still good friends with the dad, he is still paying child support and calls sometimes. It seems there is more to this story it doesn’t make sense, it’s really hard to take rights away from the parent has to be a really good reason. I honestly think that is cruel to do from what I’m reading here. And your boyfriend is not your husband yet he had no business asking your kid before talking to the other parent.
Marriage first. Give it time. Then discuss it
If he hasn’t made contact in two years you can possibly get him for parental alienation and have his rights terminated that way.
Not sure how long you’ve been with your boyfriend but I don’t think adoption should be something you need to worry about right now. Yes 2 yrs is long but that doesn’t warrant adoption. It sounds like you just want family unity and for your kids to belong but children don’t need that. I know people who spend a decade together only to get divorced and the step kids get left behind too.
Your children are going to need counseling because of what you and your boyfriend are filling they’re heads with !!!
I don’t think no man should be talking to your kid about something that big before the parents have talked about it & you should be present for it as well. Thats just weird to me.
Most states require you to be married 6 months or 1 year before they’d even consider a stepparent adoption. Should probably work on that first 
I wouldn’t want my boyfriend to go and talk to my children about adoption without me first discussing it with their dad & besides even if the father doesn’t see the child all the time doesn’t mean he would be willing to give up his rights 
It’s different in every state but in the state I live in, you have to be married to the man for 3 years before the step parent can adopt and the child has to be living with the step parent for a year. (At least that’s my understanding of it.) so what is the rush? Obviously it’s easy to get caught up in the idea of a big happy family when you’re in the beginning stages of a relationship… which is proven by the fact that you think it was ok for him to take your children aside and ask them if it was ok with them if he adopted them. It’s not ok for an adult man to take children to the side and ask them that. Children naturally want to please adults so of course they said that. I respect that you want the children to have a say but that was the wrong way to go about it.
It sounds like you want to punish the bio father for not being more involved recently. Like, “Hey, since you haven’t been involved, there is a man who wants your child more than you.” If your bf wants to marry you than he can but he doesn’t have to adopt your child right away. What if things don’t work out after a few years and then you divorce? What then? You won’t have that child support anymore.
That’s sick. They have a dad and you just want to replace him over YOUR feelings and not actual facts? It’s not like we’re in a world wide pandemic or anything. You’re selfish as hell.
Im sorry what, this grown man took it upon himself to pull a child aside without your knowledge and asl him such a question and you’re ok with that?!
Jesus
If there’s calls and and texts updates then he cares for his children and if he didn’t care you wouldn’t be worried about insulting him on how to approach things makes one think
Help a mama out and respond anonymously on our forum. How to I approach my childs bio dad about giving up his rights?
My son’s bio dad didn’t see him but was complaining about paying child support. I said if you sign and let my husband adopt him ill pay the fees and you can get out of it. He agreed that easy
How do you think this will affect the children - presently, and in the future?
Open with the fact that you aren’t going to withhold visits or other communication and that you are stable enough to no longer need his child support then go from there.
Get a lawyer have them send him paper work to sign off. Or just come right out and ask him.
Help a mama out and respond anonymously on our forum. How to I approach my childs bio dad about giving up his rights?
I think that’d be a phone call or in person conversation if possible. But, I’d offer it like a
“Hey (name), just reaching out. Wanted to see how you’re doing and see if you’re alright since it seems like in the past couple years there’s been some distance between you and (kids).”
Then, based on that response, you can offer the termination of rights to him, IF he wants to.
“You have always been great about the child support payments, and I so appreciate that. I just wanted to respectfully let you know that if you were to terminate parental rights, that we would understand.” And really from there, it just depends on what y’all would do… Would you keep in contact, still send updates, could he still see them if he wanted to, etc.
You’ve got to have all those answers ready for if he asks. And be realistic about the expectations afterwards.
Your man can also be their dad without legally being their dad.
If the bio dad wants to sign over rights, I’d ask him in a separate conversation, but under no circumstance would I tell those children that he signed over his rights.
All that’ll do is put thoughts of “Why doesn’t daddy love me?” in their head, and no person, let alone a kiddo, deserves to feel that way.
I’m sorry but NO! There dad is still present even though not physically. You don’t know what he might be going through! You cannot just give another man that title because you want to marry him what is actually wrong with you 
he is their step dad HE DOES NOT NEED TO ADOPT THEM OR TAKE THEIR REAL DADS PARENTAL RIGHTS AWAY! this is you using your children just because he hasn’t seen them!
Help a mama out and respond anonymously on our forum. How to I approach my childs bio dad about giving up his rights?
Kids don’t have to choose between their Dad and any new father-figure in their life. Respect each “position” as it stands. Dad, whether he’s around or not will always be their dad. Leave that door open for the kids or dad to go through when/if they want to. Let step-dad be step-dad without trying to remove the tether to bio dad. Literally nothing will change by seeking or not seeking that piece of paper. The kids already know who’s there, but they also deserve to know where they came from.
I was the sole mother figure to my step daughters for 5 years. Half of the youngest life. Their mother has been more involved with them lately after 5 years of basically nothing. She’s still their mom. My husband could have attempted to have her rights terminated and me adopt them but it would not have actually changed anything “on the ground” your child’s father is not harming your child and him having “rights” is not harming your new man being a father figure to your child. It’s all just technicalities. If bio dad decides to step up one day and rebuild a relationship, good! If not, why does your boyfriend need a piece of paper to love your child as his own?
Okay depends on state. My husband recently adopted our daughter in Washington state. Her adoption took a total of 3 months. My husband has been with me since I was pregnant and we have been married 10 yrs. I went to court and picked up the paperwork. We talked to bio dad who was absolutely willing to sign his rights over. We Filed with the courts. We then had to make an appt for a post placement home study. The social worker talked to us and our daughter about adoption. Being 10 she already knew full well what was going on and was fully on board. We then made the appointment to get it signed by the judge. Yay she was adopted. we did everything without a lawyer and it cost approximately 1300 with all filing, appt, and home study fees. The process varies state to state. but a bf is going to have a much more difficult time than a husband.
You can terminate a child support order without asking him to give up his rights.
How long have you been in this relationship? Maybe your ex does not want to see you with someone else. Maybe he is insecure and thinks your new guy will replace him with your child, so he’s staying away? Just a couple of thoughts. I would not encourage him to give up rights. I’m kind of shocked that your BF would ask the the child about the adoption. That should never have been broached with the child before you iron things out with the dad.
I feel like that sorta conversation should have waited until you two were married. You may have been dating for 15+ years but if he’s not ready to commit to you, how can you be sure he’s ready to commit to your child as a permanent father and not someone who’s going to go through all of this and then leave, putting your child in an even worse situation because they may end up feeling like they’ve been abandoned twice.
Your new partner spoke to your child about it before you spoke to the father?
You need to check your states requirements first. You could be years away from making this an actual thing. I would have all my ducks lined up before I broached this topic
Every kid has the right to have a father that loves them and is proud to be their dad. Your boyfriend sounds like he’s that man, so if your kid(s) want to be adopted by him, I say go for it.
My husband adopted my daughter after we were married. Her bio didn’t really come.around unless it was beneficial for him. He was suppose to give me a 2 day notice anytime he wanted to get her. The day he called me at 2 amn Christmas Eve morning drunk as a skunk and asked if he could get her later that morning after not seeing her for a couple years I told him no and told them the best thing for him to do would be to.sign over his rights. I told him his child support that he was $20k behind in would stop and he would only have to be responsible for back pay which he still hasn’t paid and my daughter is now 18. Considering the last time he seen her he told her she was a nuisance and was always dog drunk when he would get her when she was little. I was done and so was she. So talk to him, talk to your kids and go from there. My ex signed his rights over no problem.
Yeah you should definitely look at your states requirements and possibly hire a lawyer. Maybe your boyfriend should have waited until afterwards to ask your child how s/he feels about it? He might have gotten his/hers hopes up for something that might not happen
the only way to approach the father is to ask, if that’s something he has considered. Giving up parental rights does not just cover child support, it also covers legal/ medical decisions, along with legal liabilities such as custody agreements, etc. If the father wants to still be involved in the kids life, he can, but by giving up his rights he is no longer mandated to. There can also be a visitation agreement worked out after rights are given up, if the father is truly worried about being cut out. The only thing you can do is explain the legal benefits and ask the bio- dad how he feels about it. Considering the dude hasn’t seen the kid in 2 yrs. he may not put up much of a fight.
No. Continue strongly encouraging that man to be a part of his kid’s life. If you have to, accommodate his work schedule. If your kid has ever known him as his dad, that relationship needs nurtured and built back up.
Your current partner can continue to be a fatherly figure to him. Don’t erase his dad.
It’s important for children as they grow older to know who their real Father is .
Poor children. Glad I was born when I was that goes for my children… now adults as well.
The 2 of you need to sit down and have a discussion first. Its important for parents to maintain contact within children even in these times by facetime. Phone etcetera. Make an appt. With a childrens therapist to explore your child’s feelings. You seem to be leaving her out of this endeavor.
How you going to solve a problem without having a conversation? TALK AND YOU MAY GET SOME ANSWERS ABOUT YOUS AND HIS CHILD. YOU AREN’T MARRIED YET. YOUR CHILD IS NOT ANY BUSINESS OF YOUR FRIEND AS YET.
Genuine question here. Apart from thr bio dad not having to pay child support, does step dad adopting the kids make any difference? My kids step dad has been there from very early and has been more of a father father my kids than their biological dad but adoption or them having his last name really has no appeal to either of us. It doesn’t change anything.
Before committing to something like that, maybe you should consider waiting till your married? Why have him commit to your kids but not legally to you?
So dad hasn’t seen kiddo for a fairly small amount of time
N you want him to give up his rights
Give your self an upper cut
How does your child feel about it?
With that kid needs consistency a father that won’t be in and out of his life because what really messes kids up is when their parents are in and out. But you need to be upfront and honest and you need to be straightforward with them into the point. But don’t tell the kids something that isn’t in your hands as a for sure thing to be done. My mom was in and out all throughout my childhood but you know who really stuck out my stepmom because she was the one who is physically there. I’m in therapy these days because of the lack of I relationship with my mother. Remember a lot of these things are just paper focus on the relationships
Just turn the question round and see how you would like it, say the dad one day come to you and said he’s planning on replacing you as the mum with someone else cos that’s basically what you’re doing, yeah it’s pretty shitty that he ain’t seen his kid in 2 years but you can’t just replace someone as a dad, especially asking to take his rights away when from what you’ve put he’s been there as a parent before covid started, so ask yourself if you would like it if it was the other way round, and don’t come with “if it was the best for the kid then I would” or I’ll jump through this screen and kick you in the minge
Look up the laws in your location and get a consultation from an attorney. That will tell you if, when, and how you can proceed. In our area, so long as financial support is being paid alone means he is still considered in the picture. Phone calls, however infrequent they are, can be considered as being in the picture. Any sort of support being given means that the only way to terminate the rights of one parent is to request their permission and have a married partner to adopt - and often that requires being married for a certain amount of time. Even then it can be difficult as the judge will most likely require evidence of the unfitness of the other parent even if said parent is willing to sign over their rights. Children deserve a chance to have both biological parents in their lives unless one (or both) are considered too unstable and unable or unwilling to provide support in any form. My recommendation for your case would be to make contact with him via text message or email (to have on record) to voice your concerns regarding his seeming disinterest in his visitation, your child’s need for their father physically present in their lives, and recommend a hearing to make adjustments to his visitation schedule and child support if he is unwilling to return to your previous schedule. Do not discuss the topic of adoption with him or with your child again until you are married, have done your own research, and have consulted with an attorney if his lack of any physical presence continues.
Where does it say he pulled them aside without her knowing? She is a mother of two , boyfriend has mentioned wanting to adopt older child after they marry so I guess thats safe to assume the youngest is his.
She never said how long her and her current relationship is. Just that the bio dad has refused visitations for 2 years.
And am I really reading this right, there are some who are using this pandemic as an excuse for the bio father refusing visitations for the last 2 years.
Girl he won’t even put a ring on your finger, don’t give him rights to your children. I feel bad for your kids.
I don’t think you should do it. They know who their father is. It is what is. Your bf can still be there for them and even as a step father. I’m not one that believes in this . what if your relationship goes south then what?? You nf would be able to go for custody then or even sole custody is that a risk you want to take?Maybe their father is going though something maybe he will come around later. He does ask for updates. Also talking to the kids really wtf. Any kid may say yes when things are going good and if you put sugar i
On top of salt.
I wouldn’t let any man adopt my children! IDC who it is
Holy crap lady slow your roll! He’s still their dad. He’s not abusing them or anything, just absent. Take his money for the kids and keep texting him updates. Your bf should NOT be saying anything to your children about adoption. That’s confusing af for those kids. Please make that stop.
He would still have to pay child support if he gave up his rights. Why is your boyfriend talking to your kids about adult things? I don’t think there dad would be excited about giving up his rights. Just because he’s not doing what you think he should be doing recently, dosent mean that he’s still not there dad and should give up his rights. It sounds like you want to punish him for not being up to your standards. Should he be more active? ABSOLUTELY, but you don’t get to take away his rights.
Why should the Bio dad give up his rights? Your partner can be a step parent?
Bio dad should be more active in the child’s life but to ask him to give up his rights is not good IMO.
No no no let him have his kids.
Sorry but gross. Your *BOYfriend should NOT have asked your children if they wanted to be adopted, so ungodly inappropriate. You understand he can just be a good step/ bonus parent… you are thinking selfishly. You should be trying to co-parent and instead you’re trying to replace. If also if you’re new husband adopts your children and you separate, he has a right to your children If also if you are new husband adopts your children and you separate, he has a right to your children… just fyi
There has to be more to this story… like a reason why the biological father just stopped seeing his child. I would start there. I would start with a conversation between you and the biological dad. As far as your boyfriend adopting your oldest child, first, if the biological father is in the picture, you wouldn’t have a valid reason for the court to take his parental rights. He would have to voluntarily terminate his parental rights. Second, your boyfriend can’t adopt your oldest child unless he’s your actual husband. In some states, you have to be married for a certain amount of time before the step-parent is allowed to adopt, assuming you have a valid reason to request the biological fathers rights be terminated or he has signed his rights away. My husband and I are going through this process right now. I have a 13 year old son who’s biological father hasn’t been in his life for 9 years. I called him one day and asked him to sign his rights over. He agreed, met us and signed notarized adoption papers terminating his rights. I also have an 8 year old daughter who hasn’t seen her biological father in 5 years. I did the same with him, but he refused to sign the papers, so we are petitioning the court for her adoption based on the grounds of abandonment, with ALOT of proof submitted. You have to have a valid reason to take his rights or he has to willingly give up his rights. Regardless, a judge will not sight off on an adoption by a boyfriend.
A judge isn’t gonna let your boyfriend adopt your kids anyways. You have to be married. But you are jumping into it and need to slow down.
If they aren’t around the kid for so long you can adopt them without talking to the dad. I don’t remember how long between visits it had to be though. A lawyer would be able to tell you for sure and it’s best to use one for the adoption paperwork just so everything goes smoothly. Maybe try talking to their dad and letting him know what the kids want to do and see where he stands. Terminating a parents rights are a lot harder than you would think but they can terminate their rights by letting a step parent adopt them pretty easily.
Wait till you’re married, in my particular State you need to be married two years before adopting the child. When you do just allow the court to contact him. If he still has no contact with you and the child just let the court do it
was once told in michigan even if I would of adopted my step children, thier step father would still be required to pay child support.
giving up you right to the kids does not relieve them of financial responsibility basically it gives them no say in life decisions or rights to see the kids.
Just leave things as they are. You current partner can still play a big role in the kids lives.
Her father is her father, and always will be. If you don’t need his child support to take care of your daughter, take it anyway and put it away for her later in life. He owes her that much. Her step dad can be an important part of her life without adopting her.
No, they deserve their father.
You approach a father about giving up parental rights by first go fucking yourself.
Zoe Lee have a squiz
You are being a very selfish person.shame on you
Get ready to fight if hes like me.
Just ask worst thing he can say is no
Just tell him. Who the hell cares how he feels if he dosnt care enough to see his own kid!
You can file for abandonment, which is what he’s done. That’s grounds to terminate rights.
You dont. Stop trying to replace him. Your BF needs to learn his place.
Through your attorney