How to save a marriage?

We have been together for over 30 years, have five children who are a little older, and understand that we are having problems. My husband has been unfaithful. I am trying to move on from it, but we have other problems too. Communication is a major factor; we are both stubborn and only see things from our point of view. He refuses to get counseling. He thinks it is stupid. I need another person’s view. I believe we can save the marriage, but some things need to change. I feel he isn’t willing to compromise. When and if we do talk, he thinks everything is fine the next day, and we should move on. Is it me? Should I just let everything go? I am afraid to keep repeating the same behaviors as we have for years, and it seems to get worse.

Well the only person you can change is you. You said you are both stubborn and only see things from your point of view. Try changing yourself. Learn to not be so stubborn, listen more, and try to see his point of view. Once you make an effort, if he wants to save the marriage too, he will start breaking his barriers as well

I feel this so much. I have been married for 21 years in September ( together 21 years may just gone) Think I have spent the last 10 years coming back to the same cross roads wondering if love is enough. Honestly I don’t believe it is. We don’t communicate properly, I like to talk through problems, find a compromise and move forward without feeling like it’s unresolved. Like your husband, he would rather pretend it doesn’t matter…but it does because it wouldn’t constantly come back up and/or be repeated. He too cheated when I was pregnant with our first born, he also sexted another woman at work when my youngest was barely 2 years old ( hurt all the same as physically cheating ) I have difficulty letting that hurt go as I don’t understand how if you love someone, you could cause them pain in such a way. Being unfaithful isn’t something I can comprehend at all. Probably like you and many other women, we make excuses to stay! The kids, the commitment of marriage, financial stability. But when do we realise that our happiness matters too? I Asked myself a question today…what is more scarier? Seeing the rest of my life pan out exactly as it is, unhappy, misunderstood, missing connection? Or taking a leap of faith into the unknown where the possibilities could be endless for a happier self, free from constant arguments and resentments. My gut has been trying to tell me this for years but my head refused to listen. Seeing your post shows me the reality from outside the box. We should want better for ourselves, it’s not always about keeping the peace for others, it’s about finding peace for us too. Don’t we deserve it? We raised our babies without question just dedication, Made a home, worked. Should we stay trapped in our boxes? I’m not so sure we should x

If your husband isn’t willing to go to counseling, you can go by yourself. Unfortunately if he isn’t willing to also work on the marriage, the writing is on the wall. Remember you cannot change people. That comes from within.
Did he cheat once or has there been multiple incidents of infidelity? All these things should be dealt with in a professional setting. Best of luck to you.

Any relationship takes both people wanting it to work, to make it work. From what little you told us, it sounds like your husband is uncomfortable confronting his bad behavior and taking responsibility in keeping up his end in your relationship.

My question for you is simply this- why do you think your hurt feelings are less important than his discomfort? You bore this man’s children. You started out your marriage with the understanding that he loved and cared about you. The sacrifices you’ve made and the pain you’ve endured are real and shouldn’t be shrugged off. You’re a human being. You chose to share your life with this man. If he wanted you to be happy and content, he would have treated you better. When he messed up, you hoped he would have done better to make it up to you.

So, my struggling friend, my advice- draw your line in the sand. Tell him exactly what you want from him for you to stay. Tell him your boundaries and make them very clear. If he doesn’t listen, refuses your requests without making a constructive alternative, then you have his answer. He doesn’t value your relationship enough to invest in it anymore.

I believe in hoping for the best, preparing for the worst. Best case scenario, your husband realizes he’s taken you for granted and he humbles himself and begs for your forgiveness, or your marriage comes to a close and you forge a new path forward as a single person. Worst case scenario you stay in a relationship that chips away at your soul with someone who doesn’t value your feelings.