My husband and I have three children (ages 14,12,10) Our 12-year-old is moderate/severe on the autism spectrum. I am burnt out. My husband and other two kids see it and seem to really sympathize with how draining it is some days. My husband wants me to take a step back and stop doing so much for our ten and 14-year-olds because they should not need my help with everything anymore. I also really need to lighten the load, but IF the kids do what they’re supposed to do, they don’t do it how they know it’s suppose to be done. So I either have to do it again, or I have a giant mess to clean. Them “doing it themselves” means there’s going to be food all over the counters from them making their own dinner plates. It means the bread not tied shut, there’s a puddle on the bathroom floor, anything dropped will never be picked up, and they won’t even do their very basic chores unless I tell them to. Did I mention I’m burnt out? My husband says, “Don’t say anything. Wait till I get home and I’ll talk to them.” Nothing changes. I’m so sick of dishes in the sink and an overflowing trash cause, “they can’t learn to do it if I do it,” but it’s not getting done! My ten year old won’t even attempt to match clothing, will eat spaghetti with their hands, and lies about stuff for no reason. Meaning you can’t say, “Hey A, did you finish your chores?” without checking if the answer you get is true. Now I’m not supposed to ask, right? But the husband doesn’t check. I’ll realize at bedtime A has been on electronics for an hour and hasn’t even gotten school clothes together or washed up. My husband thinks I’m upset about the clothes or the late shower, but it’s not that at all! It’s that I can’t expect anything to be done without me making sure it’s being done, and I’m exhausted! Our 14-year-old is just a full-time lazy teenager. Sweetest kid, but super sensitive. If I mention them not doing something, they feel awful and fall all over themselves to apologize repeatedly. No matter how many times I’ve explained, that’s not necessary. I would love it if a million apologies could just become doing things when they supposed to be done. So, yeah, as bad as this child seems to feel, I’m still sitting here with a kitchen full of recyclables to be brought out, and the full trash will be walked past over and over again until I request it changed. I’m quite sure you all will be honest. Am I expecting too much to expect things to be done on time AND done CORRECTLY!? Not talking about skills being learned still. I mean things like dressing weather-appropriate, eating with a fork, remembering to close the freaking door when they leave to get on the bus! The door has been left open three times this year! My 12-year-old is a complete danger to himself and is basically a giant toddler. I have no choice but to do things for him that most 12-year-olds should be able to do. Everyone thinks I’m getting upset about things that don’t matter, but they don’t matter to them. They matter very much to me! I feel like a failure cause my capable children just don’t care about doing things right, and my husband thinks I need just to let it go. Am I expecting too much? I get TONS of compliments about how polite my children are. I am so proud of them. I just think they’re old enough that I shouldn’t have to make sure they do what they’re supposed to. I know that’s very long, so if you’re still reading, I’d love anyone’s input.
I think it’s time for a chore chart and if it’s not done then they cant do anything they want to do until all their chores are done and you have to learn to accept it’s not going to be done how you want it cause you are not the one doing or teach them to do it the way you do it just in their own way also
I feel so much for you. I’m kinda in the same boat. I have a chore chart on the fridge for them to earn money. It’s things like your stated, but minimal pay. It helps them think about things they need to do without me asking. I could go on and on about it but sometimes they just have to fail for awhile. I hope you’re able to step back and let them learn and take care of you.
instead of going behind them and fixing what they havent done, have you tried taking them and showing them how to do it correctly so they know what to do the next time. and maybe you should make a chore chart so they know who needs to do what at what time you want it done. I know you think they should know what to do but sometimes at that age it takes a minute for them to learn responsibilities
QUIT! Seriously. Just quit doing everything your doing. Focus on the child that needs your attention and do the things for YOU only. But screw everyone else. When the trash overflows and the clothes start to stink and they start complaining tell them to fuck off and if they want it done they can do it themselves and continue to do it themselves until they start appreciating you.
Sounds like what i used to feel. I too have an autistic child and high standards at home that i used to feel were unattainable by my family. You are indeed burnt out. It sounds like you may also have some depression creeping in- hence the feeling of needing to oversee and control tiny details of everyone’s efforts. I used to think it was just me being a perfectionist and caretaking for my family- turns out i was using these methods to distract myself from feelings of being ocerwhelmed but ironically I was just fueling that overwhelmed fire.
With help of a therapist Im learning to let go. That messes happen. That kids and men arent perfect. That part of my kids learning to adult is letting them fuck up. That my trying to nitpick every bread bag left open was actually my anxiety and not about the bread. That those dishes that are dirty in the sink are far less important than quality time with my family. This wasnt easy and i work at it every day but its so worth it. That mess on the floor is worth smiling kids. Ask yourself, are there underlying reasons that these issues have gone from petty issues to real problems for you.
Its okay to burn out. Give yourself credit for recognizing it. Now you have the choice to take control of it. Seek help. Its okay to not be okay.
Have you ever started a new job and been thrown in without training or supervision? It sucks! And can be very discouraging when your reprimanded without being given the correct training
I think you are, given that it sounds like you haven’t let them get it wrong, in order to get it right. You need to let then do it, and you need to let them do it wrong. Correct them, gently. If there’s dishes, tell them to clean it. If they get it wrong, help then correct it. Dont just do it for them because that’s what they’re used to, so if you want to change the dynamics you have to help them with that transition. Dont get mad, dont yell, just guide them gently to help them do it right and over time you’ll see improvement.
You have every right to be burnt out. Either a chore chart or they have apps now. You are going to have to lay down the law. And hubby needs to back you up. My stepdad made me do my chore or whatever it was until it was done right finally I did it right the 1st time so I would be done. My 10 year has chores some daily some weekly and then of course sometimes mom needs something extra done then I also give her a small weekly allowance so when we are out and she wants everything I can say how much you have saved and she can decide.
You need to know your way is not the only way. Let it go. It doesn’t matter if it’s not done like you do it. As long as they try, leave it alone. Perfection will destroy them.
Girl, I have adult children living at home that don’t do squat until I ask them to. But, I do ask, because I’m not cleaning g up after everyone. I like things done a specific way too, but you have to pick and choose your battles for your own sanity. I get where you’re coming from, but you’ve mentioned you’re burnt out. So… make a list for EVERYONE hubby included to get things done on a Saturday or Sunday, and get out of the house alone for some self care. You need to take care of YOU, especially since you have an autistic child. I have one too, he’s 21 and lives in a group home now since he’s an adult. You, you need to focus on you, in order to wear all of your hats. Chore chart for the 2 kids, a detailed one, with a reward system. Good luck momma, and do something nice for yourself.
I am going to probably sound awful, but YES, you are absolutely expecting too much. That expectation is adding additional stress into your already very stressful situation. As difficult as it may be sometimes it is just easier to do it ourselves than to ask or expect others to do it for us or do it the way we want it done to begin with. Rather than getting frustrated and making ourselves overwhelmed, either just take the reigns and do it the way you want it done, or accept that if you want them to do it that it will not be done the way you want it and that is okay.
- Family Meeting
- Chore Chart
- Training Boot Camp
- Date Night
- Family Fun Night
- Spa Day for yourself
You are head of the game your kids sound like great kids your husband has your back I think you need to tie some loose ends and get everyone on the same page
You got this hang in there
With my 13 year old she is not allowed any electronics (including tv) until her chores are done right and her homework is completed. Maybe something like this would help, if the 14 year old isnt allowed to be on their phone until all trash is out, etc.
Dirty dishes…a full trash can…dirty laundry…etc.etc… Is OK!!! It all does not have to be perfect… Ease up a little… Try to stop worrying over the small things… Chore chart with reward system like others suggest is a great idea… Can you get a sitter for a couple hours once a week… Go out to dinner… A movie… Whatever… Just try to take a night or afternoon for You. ( if you want the hubby along ok…if not…it is OK)
Oh hell no. I would stop saying and doing hopefully they wont want to live in filth
Time to start taking electronics off their person and not giving it back until you feel like it. Change passwords on the wifi… make it difficult for them. And yeah, just quit doing it all. My kid knows if his laundry isn’t in the hall on laundry day his clothes aren’t getting washed and… he will either wear dirty cloths until next week, or he will do it himself ( he is 16) he also knows that If his chores aren’t done, and I have to ask more than once… he isn’t getting money or driving. Stop doing it all. And let them do it… when it’s not done right, you make them come back and do it again… and again… until it’s right. You will have to show them and remind them more than once.
Do they have a chart or something that tells them what they need to do that day.
I remember clearly as a child I wouldn’t remember to do anything unless I was told or there was a list put in front of me.
Parents with ADHD,ADD, OCD and anxiety tend to drone on kids. Kids with ADHD,ADD,Anxiety, Autism and Aspergers tend to not do what they are told. Valid list of reasons why. Droning is a type of hovering. It’s not good. More youth do it the more they will not listen or do.
Make a daily list of chores, when they need to get done and who is to do them. Remind them once. If they don’t do it; start handing out consequences and stay consistent. You could see improvement within 90 days or longer; depends on how long droning has gone on. You will not be there when they leave the house. Some parents still drone on their kids in college and it has bad outcomes for both. Once they are 18 they will not listen. Earlier you correct the better for you all.
At this age they should be able to do it the way you show them. Checking behind is just part of being a parent but I’d make them redo it if not done correctly. A good schedule might help but I’m also a horrible schedule keeper
STOOOOP, take two or three days and watch how they do things THEN as they finish remind them to clean up and make it look like before. The 14 year can start helping with the others clothing- like a new chore. The ten year old takes the trash out. The 12 year old gathers all the clothes, and they ALL take turns doing the dishes. Itll leave you to vacuum and the laundry. My aunt took two weeks tops going behind us. NOT cleaning but MAKING US clean until it is cleaned properly. She just stood back and watched and if we missed something she simply state what it was and asked us not to mess up next time but over all she was proud of us.
“oh my god thank you for doing the dishes- theyre so clean and you make life easier, thank you”
My aunt was like this and it helped us become more independent. Cooking is a different story. The 14 should start to help you cook as the 12 starts to learn here for there. Yes this means a bit more work for two weeks BUT it wont be physical! Its more verbal. Stand back and tell them what they need to do😊 itll click mama
This is where discipline comes in and chores need to be assigned to everyone.
A 14 and 10 year old should know how to tie the bread and not leave a puddle in the bathroom. And should definitely know how to clean a counter top. From what I read you have “shielded” them. At this age they should know basic life skills.
I would not come behind them not at 12 and 14. Have u tried to make them re do stuff? If they know ur gonna do it they are not gonna try to do it right. Make them redo until done right. Once they realize they gonna be there till its done right theyll get to it and will do it right the first time. For example when i was raising my cousin they would try doin everything half ass till one day i was at my breaking point 3rdcsection and I was in pain the 14 year old at the time did dishes but they wasnt clean soi took all the dishes made her redo them 3 times after that the dishes was done right the first time. On there clothes DON’T WASH THEM when everything is dirty than theyll have to wash them are wear dirty clothes.
Visual schedules have changed our lives. Routines, expectations, set boundaries.
My kids have daily lists, my goal is to laminate them because it’s the same each week. Some kids have a general list and it says complete by X time. My other kiddos have an hour by hour list.
TBRI, OT, family therapy and schedules.
I have 4 kids 10-15, 1 on the spectrum, 1 with conduct disorder and all with varying degrees of sensory issues and ADHD. I feel your pain
My kids had age appropriate chore charts starting at age 5. Empty dishwasher, put their toys away, vacuum…At age 12 each of them received a laundry basket, laundry detergent, dryer sheets with the instructions on how to sort their clothes and how to operate the washer and dryer as a Birthday gift! They had a designated day to do their laundry. If they didnt do it on that day the natural consequence is you are going to school in dirty smelly clothes and one of your classmates is going to say something! I would inspect their completed chores sometimes they had to do the chore over because they missed something. Natural consequence is teaching them a good work ethic and how to do a job correct the first time and save yourself some extra work. Work smarter, not harder! Dont dress appropriate for the weather, natural consequence is you freeze you hinny off. Next time you’ll wear a heavier coat, gloves, hat, Etc. My children are all grown now. I learned to let go, let them learn with your guidance how to cook, clean, do their laundry, etc because Mama isn’t there forever. My young adult children have told me “it was awful to have to clean the bathroom three times because I missed something and I cursed you under my breath, but I know how to clean! I realize this when I go to my friends homes and think didn’t your Mama teach you how to, clean.” My 26 year old says it’s amazing how many adults older than she, can’t balance their checking account, or pay bills, rent an apartment, have water and electric turned on because their parents did everything for them." Breathe Mama and allow natural consequence and accountability to take over. You’ve got this! Take a weekend with another mom who needs a break and pamper yourself.
It seem to me you have lazy kids on your hands.when I was 12 I was washing dishes by hand .and my lazy sister she was suppose to dry instead dry them. She would throw the pots and pands .now she was rushing thru so she could go play.it seems the oldest girl has it harder.did I mention 7 kids and mom a dad?.
Woman has it lot harder than men.
I only say wellcome to teenagers:see_no_evil: same here with my 2 bigger ones…
What do you want your kids to remember about you when they are out of the house? Sounds like you need some alone time with each of your kids do something fun with them, they are kids/ teens not adults they are going to mess up, but you know what they will eventually learn to do it right, if you have to for a couple weeks leave post it notes on the door going out please shut, on the mirror in the bathroom or door clothes in hamper. On the fridge wipe down counters after eating… eventually you won’t need them. Watch some movies together make some popcorn and chill out. Life is way too short. Your burning yourself out…good luck momma I know it’s hard with teens
Sounds like you have done too much for your children for too long now they expect it and know if they dont you will should have started chores.at an early age good luck now
Your problem is there are no consequences for there not doing what they are suppose to do.take away some of there privileges. It will be hard at first but in the end you will benefit. Like taking away their phone!
They’ve had everything done for them for too long. Definitely need to reinforce what their duties are in the house. There’s no excuse that they cannot do something as simple as make their dinner plate or close a door. Your oldest should understand how much work you have working with your autistic child instead of piling on more. Your oldest will be an adult in four years, your youngest within the next eight. This is not how you want to send them out into the world or deal with until then. Take a breath. If they make a mess that’s their responsibility. If they refuse then reiterate and take away an electronic or something they enjoy doing. If they want to enjoy the fruits or their parents labor they should at least be respecting what they are told and the home you provide for them.
Parenting is basically being a BOSS in the real world. You have an employee, they need to be trained to do their job, you NEED to make sure it’s completed correctly, if not make them redo it.
Parenting is giving your children tools for the real world because nobody is going to care about how “sensitive” your children are.
If you love them you will MAKE them do things for themselves.
If my husband said he would take care of it when he got home i would let him. If he doesn’t make the children come and do it then he’s responsible for doing it himself. Ni matter how hard it is just sit in your hands and refuse. Soon your husband will be sure the children get it done. It took a week fir mine to finally figure it out but it was worth the struggle
I feel the same way. Reading comments for helpful advice.
I get you want stuff done right. But you have to let go of some of the control in order to teach them how to do some of the chores. You are stressing yourself out as well. (Yes, i have been here.) Perfection comes with time. Something you don’t seem to be giving them.
I have taken custodian ship with my niece u CAN DO THIS! if u watch them while they do this theyll learn my niece was taught nothing! Not to pick up after herself I explained I have rules my kids did and so will you! I remind her tho brush ur teeth if I hang out clothes she brings them in we hang together for instant she hid a shirt in a hoodie I didnt let her watch tv we hand washes dishes and we take turns putting them up she polishes furniture(it isnt the way I do it but she trys) and does a good job if not she redoes it so they get it right the first time lol there I sweep and mop but I watch while she wipes down bathroom work together and actually she likes being taught they like responsibility if u dont teach they wont learn sit and watch while u keep the other child busy explain to them HOW to do a certain thing and then watch them they can set the table help cook hang clothes put clothes from washer to dryer lots if things to help
If I did the dishes wring my parents would make me take EVERYTHING OUT OF ALL CABINETS A REWASH ALL OF THEM! PERSISTANCE! make a game out of and ask them who can do the best job and then hide a reward or put coin in jars for them see who has the most for chores done right at the end of the wk take for icecream or movie make a candy bag make brownies with m&ms or stuff like that theyll catch on
You have made it very clear that you’re burnt out and you need to take a step back, so first off take a deep calming breath! Now, what have you done for yourself to help you relax for a little while lately outside of the house? Find something that will help you relax and feel refreshed, that way you can be the mom you need to be again.
Make your children do chores. This link says it all. If they who have little can teach their children how to do things like this what does it say about us who have much and teach nothing.
Lanie Hawkins, Do you have something against making children learn how to do chores?
There’s a whole lot to unpack here…
There was a chore list that someone did where each chore was X amount of electronics time.
But to me no, it’s pretty understandable getting burnt out. I’m the same way!
I feel this on so many levels! Being a mother in itself is exhausting, and my child isn’t on the spectrum so I can’t imagine how hard that is on you, but know you are doing an amazing job and just want things done a specific way. I am exactly the same I literally beg for help but then when I get it it’s halfassed and never the correct way or the way I would do it. Running a house hold is a full time job and it’s extremely stressful when things aren’t being done the proper way it’s more work to go back and redo something then it is to have just done it yourself the first time. I think maybe your husband should go over with you and watch how you do things so that when he comes home and sees they aren’t done the proper way and the way you would have done it he can speak to your children and then show them exactly how it should be done if you had done it and keep this routine up until it clicks for them. You are doing great and every thing right. Every mother feels the way you do and it’s totally okay to be overwhelmed. Most days as I get up and reclean the same 20 messes I’ve already cleaned up I think to myself “if I don’t do it, it’s just not going to get done.” But sometimes you need to just loosen the reigns a little and let someone else deal with the big messes in life if it gives you 5 minutes of peace.
By 14 my son was doing laundry, dishes, washing floors, cooking…Ect. It took a lot of practice on my end BUT he is good! He’s now almost 17 and had to actually take care of his two younger brothers (9&7) when I had to take an unexpected trip out of town for a death in my family. He took care of them for 4 days and did amazing! He did things exactly how I did them. When I walked in from a draining long flight my house was spotless and the kids were fed and ready for us to just relax. You gotta teach them. If you don’t let them learn they’ll never ever do anything on their own.
I think a part of them learning to do things on there own is making messes because it’s new to them… but they also need to clean it up if it happens, because it’s also a part of it. 14 years old is definitely old enough to be doing laundry and taking out the trash etc. If my chores weren’t done, I wasn’t allowed to do ANYTHING. Not even TV.
I think if you reward good behavior and discipline when it’s not, that will go a long way.
Make a chore chart, and breathe . They will be grown out of the house in a few more years and your going miss it . I use to freak out over the little things , now my kids are grown I absolutely don’t know what to do with myself at times. I feel lost at times. So , yes you get burnt out and it’s frustrating but as a parent to another parent breathe and make a chore chart don’t sweat the small stuff and enjoy them because your going miss them once they are grown, and living own their own .
Why not get some respite help
If your 14 year old has a phone, tablet tv, etc, anything electronic take it away completely with the list of chores on the fridge, when they are done she can have it
I tell my kids, DON’T BE SORRY, don’t let it happen again! If things aren’t done, punishments will be passed out. Apologies only go so far
Shut the internet off. Take electronics away. some days I let stuff go. Others I go bat shit psycho. They get it done. They have simple chores. Other things I do. Stop being so lenient.
If you ask your children to do something and they leave a mess…call them back in to clean it up. Its repetitive but eventually they’ll get sick of re-doing everything and be a little more careful in the process. You are not expecting too much. Theres no reason they cant clean up after themselves at 14 and 10.
It takes training your kids if you want perfection they see they took out the trash they don’t see the can without a new. Bag
Stop doing what you are doing for the kids. Your house will be a mess for a few days. On Saturday, the kids do nothing and get nothing until everything is done. No tv, electronics, phones, nothing. Match a weeks worth of school clothes for the younger kid. He does his own laundry. It won’t take long of getting nothing else before they catch on.
I think you can take a step back for a few days and LET THEM DO IT themselves, and you shouldn’t have to clean up after them… make sure it’s done… ect. Have your husband do it (since he says let them do it). He’s right, if you keep doing it… why should they “learn” or change what they’re doing.
I don’t know if this will help, but my mom, when I was about 14 or so, went on strike from being a mom.
Context: My mom homeschooled my sister and I from elementary through high school. I am the younger daughter and neither of us were really picking up responsibilities around the house. My dad had a full time, stressful job. And my mom did everything to keep the house running. She also had a part time job.
She went on strike the day after Mother’s Day. She still did the finances because she didn’t want the household to completely fall apart. But everything else fell to my dad, my sister, and I.
As I wasn’t able to drive yet, I had to ask my mom in advance if she could drive me to extracurricular activities (flute lessons, youth group, etc.). My sister and I had to plan dinner and keep the house picked up. My dad and us girls really learned what my mom did to keep the household as nice as it was. Her strike was for a month. It was hard.
After the strike, we continued to do our own laundry and did our chores (mostly) without being told. I still don’t take my mom for granted and I’m 30 years old with my own son.
She wrote down exactly how and why she was under appreciated. She also wrote down what she expected from us. It was the most empowering thing I’ve ever witnessed.
Make ur kids do their chores properly they are MORE then old enough to do laundry dishes sweeping all of that… if they k own how to do it and dont do it properly take things away cell phones no TV till ALL chores and homework are done … seriously take the batteries anything go sit in your room and tell them when it’s done properly come get u… time you be a hard ass if they recognize how it drains you then they are mature enough to get shit done
I’m in this with you minus the special needs child. I’m so exhausted I don’t know how YOU do it! We’ve tried it all. Chore charts, taking away phones, electronics,tv… whatever. When the kids are restricted (no fun stuff) they’re on top of what needs to be done & when. As soon as devices and tv are reintroduced, it all goes to hell in a hand basket. They’re great kids. Polite, smart, respectful… outside. Inside they’re self centered and oblivious to every thing around them. All they see/notice/understand is what they want or they want to be doing. It’s so frustrating!
You have to let go of control. Stop micromanaging. Yes, your house won’t be perfect. What’s worse though, loosing your sanity or accepting others are flawed. Let go of some control, because (be prepared I’m NOT sugar coating) if you are still making your children’s plates you are partially to blame. Let some of that control go!!! It’s stressing me out just reading it.
I only read half of the post and decided to put my input. Your kids need independence as much as you do. What happens when they leave the nest? Are you going to travel to each house and clean for them? The best thing you can do is teach them. Especially having an autistic child! Having an autistic child means teaching them more than others the importance of regular activities. They need this just as much as you do. You are still a person even though you have kids! Take care of yourself so you can take care of others!!!
They dont do it right because they know you will end up doing it for them , so start taking fun things away until they can do chores properly
Fuck it all. Give energy where you feel it’s needed most and the rest will fall into place. Its so hard not to want to do it all, but once you let go, it feels AMAZING and you will be such a better mom. Who cares if it’s not done the way you want it. If bread gets stale, toast it! On the same note… I just totally gave myself this pep talk because I’m exactly like you:joy:
God Bless You it’s so hard i will put you and your family in my prayers I know what you are going through and it is very hard
I completely understand the while 10 & 14 year olds issues…mine are 10 &12 …its just the 3 of us…and they do nothing to help unless I’m taking electronics/phones away and screaming while holding a garbage bag… I work full time and do everything in this house. I get the easier to do it yourself then to expect them to do even a halfass job… on their own…I’ve told them this year is going to be different…they will have to earn electronic time by doing what needs to be done, WITHOUT me having to ask a 100 times… so far it’s only been enforced a few times… I hope you find a way to make a change so you don’t wear yourself out…I’m only 46 and have had 3 stress related strokes… I’ve had to learn away to not put it all on me, so I can be here for them… good luck and your not a failure!
Yeah I’m going through this as well with 5 kids and I’m a completely single parent with no family. Or any type of support. Then I have had a couple friends in my life that have 1,2, or 3, kids and ask me to help and never help. Knowing I’m burnt out.
Ive had full mental break down because of this. My 14 yr old is low to moderate on the spectrum. He tries to get away. I finally broke down abd told him his autism is not an excuse to not do things. It took a while but start with 1 job and slowly add more. Other kids take a week with each kid and show them what you expect. Then demand it from them. Good luck.
Yell at their ass’s!! Maybe they’ll get sick of hearing you bitch and complain! Lol jk…kinda but seriously lay the law down. I’m in the process of dealing what you’re dealing with. It’s such a struggle and I’m a clean freak with a 8 month old, 2 year old, 7 year old and 9 year old
Have you checked into respite care. I got some for my daughter and also funding through easter seals. 211 your state search respite care.
Life isn’t perfect. Give them a list of responsibilities and give advice on how to do them. Let go of the rest. If they don’t wash all the plates/forks dinner is delayed. If they don’t do laundry correctly pink socks won’t kill them. As a mom to an autistic teenager I am trying to teach him that families share the work and everyone’s energy is needed to keep it moving smoothly.
Sounds like the 14 & 10 year old need their butts whipped! Take their phones or games away! As long as you let them get by with their crsp they will keep on doing nothing. Before you ask if I have kids , I had 5!
Dont want to sound judgmental but this could have been avoided if started while younger. Now its going to be alot harder and more frustrating to " Retrain" them. But i would start by talking to my husband about a family meeting and what ur plans are so he isnt caught off guard. Call the family meeting and make it clear how fed up u are have a chart out and explain to them what u need from them and explain to them how it has to be done. And tell them each the difference Consequences if they dont do what is needed. Like taking away phones electronics, after school activities scheduled parties. Or what ever else u feel. Make them see ur frustration. Tell them there are no more chances. (Side note) they will not get it right the first time so make them redo and tell them that was the last time u would help them with that one thing if it happens again do what u said u would do but stick to it u have to stay Consistent and follow through. Make sure u and ur husband are on the same page and that he doent sit there quietly kids have to know its not just ur request its BOTH. Also explain to them this is a family everyone has a part and must do it end of story. But also hear them out listen to there Concerns. Good luck hope this helps and also take a momcation u deserve it and need it.
I feel this!!! I could have written this!!!
I think that’s normal behavior for kids that age. My oldest is 12 and has high functioning autism and my youngest is 9m so I have a wide range of kiddos and they all pretty much act that way. My oldest hides his dirty undies and socks in between his mattress after telling me he’s finished his laundry. My daughter hides things like candy wrappers and dirty dishes behind the couch like I don’t know to check there. If my son accidentally gets shit on his hand while wiping his butt, he’d wipe it off on the damn wall.
My oldest sees a lot of different therapists and at one time when I was feeling that way, they told me to let it go and pick my battles or else I’ll get resentful, not enjoy them like I’m supposed to, and miss out on their childhood and potentially traumatized them. I started focusing more on building solid values in them that actually matter like good manners, loving and respecting one another, being kind of strangers, believing in oneself, etc. because at the end of the day, the only person who is bothered that they didn’t shower today or clean their room is me and why stress out and make a big deal out of something so minor when I have beautiful children to enjoy?
No you are not expecting to much! I am a single mom of 5 daughters 19, 12, 11, 7 and 5 months. As a single mom with no support from their dads cuz they stepped. I struggled having to work a full time job and come home. My children started doing chores at age 7. This is the best time to teach them responsibilities. We have a routine and schedule made out. They have a chore list. They dont have electronics. However they get to watch movies on my phone but only on the weekend after everything is done. Yes you will have to remind them to do their chores, however make them report back to you when they are finished. Yes you will need to check them, however if its not to your satisfaction and not done right, make them go right back in there again and do them right. Dont do them for them, they need to learn. I too have a special needs child who needs help with some things and she doesnt do her chores right, but I dont treat her like she is special needs. I treat her like the others and make her go back into her chores and do them right. My girls wake up at 6 every morning, make their beds, clean up the floor, wash their face brush their teeth and hair and leave out by 630 to get to the bus stop. When they get home they take of their uniform, hang it up, do their homework, they help with dinner, then there are chores after dinner. Showers at 7 bedtime at 8. Weekends its make your own breakfast, chores, then free time, they play outside, or read books, play in their room, then lunch, chores, then watch a 2 hr movie, then we all cook dinner together then chores, we either play board games together or watch another movie on my phone. Sundays they go to the laundromat and wash their own clothes. They come home and hang them all up. Same Routine everyday. You just have to be consistant but dont do their stuff for them. Your husband should be supportive and help with the kids as well. You are lucky you have one. I hope this helps. Try to get on routine and schedule and only give them electronics on the weekends, make them earn it. Make then earn everything. It helps. It teaches them well that they need to work hard for what they want not just be given everything they want. Structure.
You need to step down and stop micro managing and expect everthing to be perfect. Let the kids do things their way. If they mess up so what they are LEARNING which is important for them to experience. Im shocked your kids dont have anxiety due to how you run things. Hell just be happy if they clean their rooms and clean up their own messes.
Sounds like your 14yr old might have issues and constantly saying sorry is a huge clue you are over stressing your own child that they are shutting down… shame on you for not even noticing their own emotional stress esp when you have a disabled child. I know from experience about this. my 12 yr old would do the same and I caught myself and it was a eye opener. he is adhd, has sensory issues and VERY SENSITIVE to stressful situations esp when he sees me stressed.
Im sorry you are over stressed ,but it’s obvious you are causing them stress as well. Get some therapy and get away for a bit and figure out how to properly manage yourself before you really screw up with your own kids with this stress they are being affected by.
Making a chore chart may help with them forgetting. My youngest bro has high functioning Aspergers and lists or charts help him.
Take their phones or tablets away. Change the wifi password. Watch them do chores.
We made a very specific cleaning list for EVERY room or area. Not just “clean the bathroom”, but EVERY step they need to take, in order, to clean it right. There is also a “no grace period” on when they are supposed to have their chores done and homework finished. They don’t finish, they lose privileges. Take phones, tablets, until work is finished. Same with game consoles. We have evolved a bit since we started, and now some things need to be done early and some things have to be done before bed. Teach them how to do laundry and cook simple meals. Most important, change the way you think about this. You are not punishing them or making them do your job. You are teaching them very important life skills that have the added benefit of making your life easier. Yes, you may have to accept that things won’t get done EXACTLY the way you do them, but that’s okay. Also, you and you husband need to agree on the plan but be consistent with it. On a side note, all the above is a separate issue than you needing a break consistently. You need to develop and stick to a scheduled “you” time each week. It’s your time to do whatever; the movies, a massage, facial, library or bookstore, a craft or art class.
Give yourself a promotion to director and give your 2 kids promotions to management. Kid A is the manager of the kitchen. It is their responsibility to ensure it is clean and complete at the end of the day, regardless of whether it was their day to cook and do dishes or not. If there’s an issue, you go to them. Kid B is the manager of whatever else, like clothes or bathrooms or whatever.
Get them working together and taking responsibility for themselves and each other. If Kid B doesnt do his cleaning properly in the kitchen, the kitchen manager can decide whether to make them do it, do it themselves, or whatever.
Honey, I’m going thru this with my 15 yo. He has no disabilities. He’s just plain ass lazy! He has 3 chores a day, load or unload dishwasher, take out trash and vacuum livingroom. He does none most days. I will ask him the reason for chores not being done. He says there’s no reason. Let me add he’s home schooled and I work 2 jobs. No excuse for them not being done. I ground him from everything! No electronics, including phone, ps4 or cable in his room. He’s not allowed to go anywhere and no one is allowed over to his house. He straightens up for a while then it’s back to no chores being done and being grounded. It’s actually never ending for the last 3 years. Hang in there momma. Your doing a better job than your giving yourself credit for!!!
Do not let them have phones/tablets til chores are done. Make a poster of chores kinda like a reward chart or something. If they leave the bread open go to them and tell them to stop what they’re doing and tie it up and put it where it belongs along with other things.
They can’t ‘learn’ to do it because instead of making them you cater to them and just do it all yourself, You taught them this behavior. This is a martyr at it’s finest.
Your the issue mum they know your gonna step in and do it for them your husband is right step back this is learnt behaviour teach them how it’s done I make my kids do chores well my eldest and middle the baby is only 2 now it’s becoming a habit to them they no pick toys up pick rubbish up put dishers in the sink dirty cloths in the basket pick clothes up off the floors there 5 and 4 yrs old stop doing everything for them…
Do as Amanda Vigo sd…tell them you are teaching responsibly and you are raising young independent adults not big babies for future partners to have to wait on…if they ever decide they want one!
You’re not expecting much. They have to learn, you have to teach them. Mine have to get chores done before any leisure time
At the end of the day
Pick your battles
Your kids sound like they’re trying a little so just try and keep encouraging them
I would probably start by taking all electronics away until all jobs are done for a start though to encourage them and go over and check so they can see the quality yoh expect then hand them their devices
Instead of saying or thinking they can’t do this, or won’t do it right…let them do it anyways! Show them how you want it done, teach them. All you are doing is making it so that someone else has to do these things for them when they become adults. Save yourself the energy and just relax. Coat on the floor? It will get picked up. Dishes in the sink? Ask them to do them. If they aren’t don’t to your specific standards…have a talk with them and show them how to do it properly…I’m sure you dont want to raise boys who become men who are totally reliant on another woman and expecting her to take care of him the way you do. Raise boys who can take care of themselves.
You need to get discipline and responsibility in your children. Explain to them that you have tried it the easy way but it’s not working.
After returning from school and before anything fun (cellphone/Tv/book/sports whatever), certain chores need to be done and updated to you. Electronic time should be only after dinner and cleaning is done.
Figure out a solution for every single thing that is an issue. Eg- dishes. No matter how much hurry you are in, not a single spoon can be left in the sink. They have to either put in the dishwasher, wash immediately or they shouldn’t have used it.
Unplug the wifi, Take away the game systems and no cell phones after 6pm!!! My kids are 8 and 10 and I am a stay at home mom but I am not their maid! They fold and put away their own laundry. They sit at the dining room table every night and do their homework. If I find out some one lied about homework and has a missing assignment. The x-box is gone for a week or my daughter loses her tablet for a week. My kids unload the dishwasher every morning before school and I load it every night after dinner. My son has to clean the upstairs bathroom three days a week since he is the only one who pees standing up and my daughter has to vacuum. It takes a family to run a household. Get a routine in place and make them stick to it. UNPLUG THE WIFI!!!