I am filing for divorce and need advice: Help?

My husband and I are filing for divorce. I’ve been a stay at home mom for five years. 2 kids. 3&2. He is very controlling over money and gripes and complains over everything I say or do. I am applying for legal aid to help with divorce since I have no money, and he is not willing to pay for one. I need encouragement to get through this and ideas on custody arrangements since he works out of town for weeks at a time… thank you.


How can U be a stay at home mum for that long when your kids aren’t even that old sorry just confused :joy:


Why would he pay for YOUR lawyer? :woman_facepalming:


I filed first and automatically got him to pay. Legal aid would not help me because divorce was not a crime I needed defended for. I did get do it yourself divorce paperwork from legal aid though.

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How were you a stay at home MOM for 5 years and your oldest is only 3… You were a stay at home wofe for 2 years and then became a mother… And also sometimes legal aid does not help because its not a crime you have to get a lawyer


Get a lawyer now. Go take 1/2 the money out of your bank accounts. Not sure where you live here in Cali we get half of everything


If he is a good father than you will have to give him just as much time with then as you.


I can understand him being controlling over money he’s the only one who works! How are things financially? He could be stressed, I was a stay at home mom for a year, but when things got tough I found me a job, I work weekends and he works during the week. We make it work.


I agree about the money in the account, and you can file and ask the fee to be waived because you have no income. Try to come up with a somewhat agreeable arrangement. But remember you always ask for more and then negotiate down to what you really want.

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You file first is key to getting temporary custody and having him pay court costs. As far as visitation, the standard is every other weekend and a week might or two, and any agreed upon times you want beyond that. You need a job that shows you are able to support the kids or he will get custody.

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If you are the one wanting the divorce, why should he pay for your lawyer? Also, if the only things he is doing is controlling the money and complains how about try counseling. There may be more going in here, just seems everyone’s first “go to” is divorce.


Alot of states first off file for indignant legal aid in most states dont help inless its the first time to reopen good luck tho with the custody thats gunna b a difficult one

file first, get a lawyer & make him pay for them. DO NOT DO THIS WITHOUT A LAWYER OR HE’LL RAKE YOU OVER THE COALS!!!


Yeah if you have a joint account, take half before he takes it, and use that to pay for a lawyer. I got to keep the home, he chose to move out. I also got a job, i was very open during the interview about my situation, i had to find childcare, which my ex was responsible for half the costs til he began paying child support. No one is going to support you to continue being a stay at home mom unless you move in with family and they support you… but honestly you’ll need a job to show you can support yourself, the kids, and provide a stable living. Especially if he insists on joint custody, or tries fighting you for full custody, but they won’t consider giving him full custody if you can prove that you can provide the stability they need.


You can file it yourself online in most places. I would suggest you do it asap since he wants to play with the money situation. Make sure he cant drain the accounts.

If you are in Texas if you get med or fs you fill out a paper and you won’t have to pay or pay as much

I’m not going to lie, I’m really glad I was not the only one trying to figure out how she was a stay-at-home mom for 5 years when the oldest child is only three. Granted we don’t know the circumstances if a child was lost but thankfully I’m not the only one that question that time span…


Look into hidden assets too!

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Why are people questioning why she has never worked. For one maybe she didn’t have to, second maybe her husband didn’t want her too. I didn’t when my kids was little before school or even high school, I was able to be mom. Some women are fortunate.

they’re going to want to see you working and pretty well off on your own before they give you the kids, they want to make sure that you are capable of handling it all!

Split everything 50/50. You take half of any money in accounts, he take half. Decide who gets the house (if you own one), and that person gives the other 50% of what the house is worth. If two vehicles, you each take one. Getting a divorce is no reason for you to screw him over or him to screw you over. Split custody of the kids 50/50. You need to get a job ASAP. Good luck!

Everyone telling her to go to the bank and take half - I’m getting a vibe that they are paycheck to paycheck. So it’s very likely there is almost nothing in those accounts to begin with.


Gesh to all the people saying “why would he pay for your lawyer, why didnt you get a job, I did, try counseling dont divorse ect.” Leave this woman alone. That’s not the advice she was asking for. So Who cares why she wants a divorse, mind ya business!! you have no idea about her life so keep your 2 cents to yourself. Also how is she going to pay for a lawyer? with what money people!? She is a stay at home mom nothing is completly her money! Oh & to the people who said I got a job bc I had to no wonder hes stressed and controlling… good for you :clap: but Just because it worked well for you doesn’t mean it worked for their family. Again not the advice she was asking for so quite being rude for no reason.


Good luck at this time my son and his wife were told they are not doing that at this time because of the covid 19. We are in Vermont.

Woman don’t divorce till you get your ducks in a row. Have a steady paying job, a place to live and childcare for your children. Start there then when you go to court you will have proved yourself to be able to handle the kids on your own. With or without child support. If you don’t start with a job and go straight to divorce your setting things up to go in your husband’s favour. He will get primary custody because you don’t work.

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Why is everybody telling her to go and get a good job when she’s got two babies who’s going to take care of them. Especially nowadays what are you guys thinking??


A stay at home mom for 5 years, but your kids are 2&3? Feel like we are only getting part of a story here…

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What did you do in the first 2 years before your eldest was born?

One step at a time! Move or ask him to leave and then get the divorce going. I wouldnt do it the other wa y rou dm plus you have to be seperated for a number of years in most countries anyways. Sort custody out later one also. Get out of the situation you are in right now.

You can look into attorneys that work pro bono… for free


hopefully you have family to help you with the kids and support you through all of it. you guys will just probably have to figure it out as you go because since he is gone and you really don’t know what weeks he will be gone it will be hard. sorry you are going through a divorce it is never easy . prayers


Start stashing away any money that you can. Sell anything you dont use to make money. I would shop at walmart and take out an extra 20 everytime and my ex wouldn’t know. Pack to go bags just in case you all need to leave in a hurry. Or keep clothes at a friend or relatives.


Everything is half yours. Go take half the money out of the checking account. Open your own account. Get all the money you can since you already know he does not want you to have any. Get a good attorney. Do NOT make and decision angry. Take a day or 2 to think it through


Most courts will grant 50/50 custody unless there are special circumstances you’ll need to be adult and work out a parenting plan with him and remain civil to each other as you turn away from being a couple and towards co-parenting

first he will have to pay half your attorneys fees in every state but maine. Second you will be ok take this time to find yourself. Fall on love with yourself and you will move mountain’s. Love your children and never bad mouth their father promote healthy relationship with him and you will be healed


Child support!
Full legal custody!
Good luck Momma!!


Go talk to a lawyer you are entitled to half girl get it you deserve it


This can’t be sugar coated. You screwed yourself! Get a lawyer!


Have you both thought about counseling first?

You loved one another to get married and have not 1 child but two

Don’t be so quick to throw that away

Establish a date night weekly - no kids

You will also be in charge of the budget so you know what’s coming in and what’s going out
This will give you a sense of control and empower ment and may be a springboard to start an online company of your own

Relearn to respect each other

Don’t give up yet

Do you both go to church
If not you should

See there’s always more than one way to skin a cat (where the hell did this saying originate from?)


Don’t forget you are entitled to 1/2 of the income tax money. Tell your attention he can see that he gets paid out of that. Go to legal aid for your county

I am not an attorney so this doesn’t constitute legal advice but I have worked within family law for several years. Depending on his income, and if he’s financially sound, he will most likely be court ordered to pay your legal fees as well. Many attorneys may take your case if they see that he has the ability to pay, because ultimately what they will do is draft a Motion for Alimony, Temporary Child Support (to get through until divorce is finalized and support is calculated), and Attorney’s Fees. Any attorney will gladly meet with you and offer you their advice- usually complimentary. I would definitely meet with a private attorney first before going to legal aid. It can’t hurt. I can’t comment on shared custody arrangement because it would depend on his schedule and how much he actually wants the children.

Honestly, the best thing is to learn to get along through the divorce process to make it easier on your kids. And also the more you can learn to get along, the less money you need to shell out to a law office because it negates the need for drafting frivolous claims and motions. Good luck!


If he’s controlling now, he will forever be controlling.
You need to keep this in mind the entire time.
You need to fight for control… because later he will make it about his control over you, not the kids.


Go to lawhelp.org you can file yourself just download and print the forms

I would consider asking for alimony too. I don’t know a ton about it, but I’d definitely ask someone who does

First and foremost get a job! You have the RESPONSIBILITY to provide for your children in the same manner as their father. Don’t even think men are the only ones whose wallets get tapped. If that’s the case then hand them over until you get back on your feet. Go through the SAME process men everyday go through. Keep your emotional issues separate from the focus at hand. Those kids need and have the right to their father whether you like him or not. This is the harsh truth. You love your children so put them first. Don’t act in your feelings because you will lose in the future. Show the children that you are doing what is best for them not for you.


I wish you the best of luck. Stay strong sending prayers

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Go to the bank together, take all the money out of every account, divide it in half, and you each open new accounts that the other has no access to. Split custody as close to 50/50 as you can with his work. You are both equal parents.


You have an attorney on this thread telling you to PM him. Please do. You need all the legal advice you can get


He will try to manipulate you don’t let him take everything you can and get out or try and get him out of the house. My ex verbally abused me and ended up stealing from me cause I got cancer and couldn’t deal with the mental abuse and chemo. And he ran up over half a million in debt. Iowa divorce law is not fair

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it will all work out have faith

You can go to attorney since your stay at home mom, your lawyer will bill your husband. Go to a attorney for a free consultation…

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Apply as indigent (at the courthouse) you won’t pay anything

Also if you’re low income you can apply for a waiver and get the divorce fees waived. I did with mine.

I have been navigating divorce without an attorney, and it’s been great. Go to the website for your state, and you should be able to find out all the forms and the process online, and become familiar with them. The great thing about not using an attorney is that there’s no middle person and plus the expense. Do your research and know your rights. Go to court with things written down. Mine is almost final and it has helped to be able to talk things about and see what we agree on and what we don’t. As a stay at home mom you will be looking at child support and make sure you look up “divorce decree” online, to give you an idea of the topics you need to make decisions on. It’s a long process, but you can do it! Our local courthouse has also given me a lot of handouts and resources and they answer my many many questions.

I see a lot of people on here saying “full custody”. What you probably want is primary residence. Joint custody. That means that the children will live with you, but you both have equal rights and responsibility to the children. Also, best advice I have is to keep emotions out of it. It’s a business deal. Tensions can run high but keep in mind it’s a business that everything needs to be divided up. That will help you to get thru it


make sure you get a recent paystub

While everyone else is pointing you to divorce I say no

Fight for your marriage together


If you are a stay at home mom your husband may be ordered to pay your legal fees. Not sure what your financial situation is overall but just because he makes the money does not make it his… Divorce Attorney from Michigan.


Ask for full custody of your children, I hope you weren’t married in Oregon

You will go through mediation for custody arrangements. Always think about what is best for the kids and you will come out on top in that simply because he works away. Push for a set weekend/week that suits him to have the kids while he is home from work. It is not better for the child to be in childcare than it is with a stay at home parent and it is not better for them to be let down because he is away working and can’t have them at arranged dates. Discuss medical issues and schools who pays what and who makes decisions, where and when drop off/pick up will be and times. I would also discuss how you will contact each other about the children, txt and email is good as you have proof and it’s harder to be abused. I hung up on my ex every time he raised his voice, he no longer has the right to speak to me that way.
You should get legal aide and also look into centrelink, with the kids being so young you will not have to get a job until the youngest is school aged but maybe you can study to be prepared for that. Take as much paperwork as you can, his paychecks or bank statements.


Legal aid does not pay for divorces


Make sure you put him on child support and also include in the divorce that you want him to pay back court fees as well.

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Child support is according to what he makes. Go through the state for him to pay too. They track and take measures if he doesn’t. Not sure about legal help but sounds like Thomas is willing to help you! Sad your husband is so mean and controlling. I really hope Thomas Hartnett can help you. You and the children need peace. 50/50 custody negates child support though. You should have primary and outline when he gets the children ( if he chooses to) At such a young age he might not. My ex didn’t until our son was older but he would come an visit for bit. I kept his Dad’s pictures around too. Issue with us not our son. My ex and I split amiably so worked out great.

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This all really depends on what state you’re in. Wisconsin’s marital property is split 50/50. Usually the stay at home mom will get more time. I had a part time job when I filed. I own my own business now. I filed almost 3 years ago.
I’d highly recommend you get your attorney first. You’ll get to choose everything first regarding visitation and holidays. He’ll have to counter then.

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Get bank statements from all accounts for the past year ASAP & call & see if you can get his pay info (may show up as auto deposit on bank statements). This way if he drains the accounts you’ll have proof of what was there to divide.

Where is everyone going to live? Do you own or rent, and if you have a mortgage, how much equity do you have?


As this is a world wide page, it would help to know what country and state you are in. As laws very state to state in every country

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If he’s good dad just write agreement between the 2 of u and put joint custody the kids are the only one who suffer if can’t see there dad even if he works out of town doesn’t mean when he’s home can’t see his kids anytime I got divorced long time ago we just put joint custody just cause things didn’t work out with the 2 of u doesn’t mean he shouldn’t see his kids

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try legal shield - it is less expensive and you can get advice without having to pay for all of it.

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Are there court mediators available for you to work with?

Figure out why you really want a divorce? Does he feel the same way as well? Do not give up so easily!!!:roll_eyes:


Go through your county domestic relations, file for child support and spousal support. You are entitled to both so you and your kids can keep living in the manner your accustomed to.


Have u really exhausted all other options of trying to make things work before u settle for a divorce?

A divorce with kids means that you have to prepare yourself for the following:

The affect it will have on u
The affect it will have on your kids
Trying to be strong fir them and providing them maximum comfort and support so it’s least damaging to them
Money to move out and get a place of your own. This is a v costly factor.

Im not sure how well off you are financially or if your husband is the way he is due to a tight budget.

If this is the reason for his moods consider doing something from home to earn a bit of cash so u can afford your own recreation and a bit of pampering. A bit of financial freedom may be all u need to reduse the stress.

Remember moving out means you will have to find a job and have the money to run another household. You may have to leave your kids in someone else’s care or in a creche. Are u OK with this? It seems like right now your husband is taking care of basics which allows you to be a stay at home mom… This is a luxury to Alot of women.

Im not saying let him walk all over u. But financial freedom on your part may just help Alot. Even if you have to work to go for marriage therapy.

If u have no degree consider taking care of maybe two other kids who are the same ages as your kids for a working parent.

All the best in your decision.


Keep it simple. Alimony until you get your feet. Child support and shared custody. Don’t be bitter and try to use the kids as a weapon. End things as amicably as you can

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U can do it don’t know legal procedure but there is help for you

So many non attorneys replying. So much wrong info. Please talk to an attorney


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Instead of jumping on divorce maybe you could get a job and see if that helps your relationship.

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Sometimes there are advocates that work for the court system who are there to help work out things like child support and custody issues.
Hope you can find some help like that.
The best to you. Know that there are millions of women out here who stand with you.

Im so sorry for you… i think nobody wants to divorce… as a SIHM its the worst thing you give your life for the kids and the husband dont see it… since i dont know nothing about law of divorce… i only can wish you the best and pray for everything goes well for you and the kids

Why do you marry him and have kids if all he does is gripe and complain all the time?
What has changed over the last 5 years? I know part is 2 kids and life. He has changed and so have you.
Please have date night without kids. No talking about kids , chores, or bills . Just about feelings and memories before kids . Marriage is hard work


So you did nothing your whole relationship and now you wanna leave WITH the kids AND take half of what he owns. Your whats wrong with the world hun. :unamused:


you never know what may be around the corner. Divorce is terrible, it is worst than a death. Because the person you loved is still a reminder of what could have been. I was lucky to remarry at age 40, now married 25 yrs to a wonderful man. Good luck. It will be hard, however, staying with someone who does not love you is not what you deserve.

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Why would he pay for one for you??

My only positive advise to you is, life is too short to not be happy and content in yourself and the others surrounding you. If it’s your husband is toxic get the divorce. You will fall on some hard times but life will carry you through it.

over 45 yrs ago, at the age of 20, I convinced the POS I was married to, to leave & let me think about our marriage…boy did he leave very quickly. :slight_smile: Over 43 yrs ago I used legal aide to get my divorce, They were good. Since the POS never showed up for this I got full custody. But during the custody hearing when I did leave him, he did try to get custody & the judge asked him several questions…was I a good mother to the kids, ? (his answer : yes) Did I take good care of them? (his answer - yes) Did I leave a messy house ( his answer -no) then the judge asked him, why should he take the kids away from me? The POS had no answer for that. The judge asked me, if I had any problem with the kids seeing him, & I said no. So the POS said he wanted them every weekends, judge asked me if I had any problems with this, I said no. I knew it wouldn’t last & it didn’t :slight_smile: But I will say, if your ex, even if he is a POS, if he loves his kids, let them be with him, if they can

As you said previously he works out of town when you file you will most likely be granted the primary custodial parent with him paying child support and ask for alimony as well. Ladies sometimes divorce is the better option especially if you are leaving a toxic relationship and you don’t want to expose your babies to that! It doesn’t mean that the kids don’t get to see their father and it doesn’t give mom the right to keep the kids from their dad, he could have visitation and and take the kids during certain holidays and summer breaks. Compromise works well especially for the children.

i was in the same situation for the last 4 years but we wernt married but my kids are 2 1/2 and 1 1/2 it will be hard but you will get through this you need to do it for you and your kids. DONT let anyone on here tell you your the problem because your not!!! you need to do do what makes you happy and take care of yourself as well as your kiddos

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Being a domestic paralegal for 15 years, I have to advise you to not take advice from the comments. Each state have laws completely different from another state. Example, someone said you would only get alimony if there was adultry involved. That may be true for the state that person resides but completely false in another state. Contact your legal aid and make an appointment as soon as you can. My one suggestion would be that you stand your ground and never let go of your children regardless of how your husband may have you believe that he has the control. He does not. Look at the years ahead without him. You are in charge of your and your children’s lives. Good luck!


Not sure what state you live in, but there are several that would award you alimony because you didn’t work for 5 years, this could most definitely come of great use and not to mention that you would be awarded custody since he works away from home. Really the ball is in your court. He would still need to also pay child support too.

Go and see a Family Law solicitor at a Legal Aid. They are the best to advise you. Ensure you have orders drawn up regarding custody of your children.

Child Support, Alimony and make sure he has Health and Dental Insurance on kids.

Definitely go with legal aid. They will help you. Since this involves children.

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Attach his wages and have everything written you get a lawyer even if he doesn’t, doesn’t matter if public one get one protect yourself!

See if your district court a pro se clinic, attorneys will sometimes assist for free.

Child support sue for it and alimony

If you live in MI, go to any public library and get the MI divorce book with minor children. It tells you what you need to do. I did my own divorce this way but didn’t have any minor children.

Alimony only if there is cheating involved…But must beable to prove it…

How long have you been married?

Document how controlling he is with money…

I was married 42 yrs and my husband or should I say ex husband left 1 day and 3 days later he sent me a text saying that he had a new life and I should find one to. I was devastated. I relied on him for the finances, because he didn’t want me to work plus I had some health issues. I lost everything. Our house burned down first, my son was in the hospital fighting for his life almost a month, I got in a wreck, I got evicted because I had no money, I was homeless 6 months and then I had a heart attack and died, but Dr and God brought me back. Dr said that I had broken heart syndrome. It’s been a up hill battle, he turned my phone off. I could go on and on about this, but I got legal aide and he paid thousands of dollars for his attorney and my free one was better than his. I will pray for you and your children, but don’t be scared, because he will pay one way or another.