Help a mama out and respond anonymously on our forum. I am needing advice on how to find yourself again after becoming a mom… - Mamas Uncut
Don’t waste any more of your precious time…
It will be best for you and your children to split from him. I’m not saying that he’s a bad person, I am just saying that the two of you will both be happier to start separate lives…
Please be fair with the children and don’t let it ruin their lives. Try to co-parent with the kiddos best interest at heart…
Life is too short to be unhappy… living together just bc of the kids is never a good idea. The kids will pick up on the stress between their parents.
Wishing the best for the both of you and your children.
Seek out resources in your area and leave. I feel like if you continue to live together, you will still be the sole caretaker for the children and home while the boys father, SIL and nephew will reap the benefits of living with you. Get out now and put your sole focus in to your kids and yourself.
I’m going to be blunt. Only way for you to be happy at this point is if one of y’all move out. This toxic environment will destroy you mentally emotionally and physically (it causes health issues cause of stress) and it’ll affect your sons more than you realize. My mama always said if she could change back the hands of time she would’ve gotten my sisters and I out of the toxic environment that we were raised in after her n my dad adopted us because if she would’ve known how much damage was done she would’ve done everything to prevent it. Also only way to get over him and this relationship is like I said one of y’all got to leave. You said he’s not much help anyways so you basically a single mom now but you got unnecessary baggage with your ex there in the home
You take it one day at a time and one step at a time. You’re unhappy and you know you’re unhappy but you don’t want to let go. You don’t want to let go because he is your routine. Him and your current situation is what you’re used to. But by the sounds of it, you’ve already been single for a while… you do it all on your own, so just remind yourself that you might as well be on your own. I promise you that out there somewhere, is a man who will gladly change diapers and make dinner while you bath the kids, one who will let you sleep in Saturday morning while he makes a mess in the kitchen making pancakes with the kids… one who will wipe your tears when you cry, and won’t get sick of hearing the same story over and over again because you forgot to mention something the last 3 times you told him. That man is gonna come into your life when you’re not even looking for him and you’ll never have to worry about “where’s he going”, “who’s he with”, “is he texting other women”… it’ll just work and you’ll be happy. In the mean time, focus on you and your boys. It’s no longer your job to be concerned with your ex, beyond an attempt to co-parent. Realizing that is your first step towards peace. Make a plan. Either get your ex, his sister and her kid out of your house or start making a plan to get you and the boys a new place of your own. A clean break and a fresh start will do wonders for your mental health!
Your kids are at really difficult ages, it’s going to get better- they will talk more and start to do fun things that really make you feel good to watch! Also please know ALL moms feel like our houses are a mess, I read a Joanna Gaines book where even she says it’s their house too and that things will never look perfect all the time- be easy on yourself in that area! I know it’s over stimulating
Also ymca is great for families and they have childcare so you can take some classes and feel good for you!
I’m sorry, but you need to get out. This is emotional abuse and you are being used.
Honestly, it sounds like you’re better off without all of them. Not only is he putting stress on you, but so is your sister-in-law. Why can’t she help with the housework? It isn’t fair for you to have to do it all. Look into resources in your area and leave ASAP. You and your children will be better off. At this point, you’re pretty much just taking care of a man child it sounds like.
Put your nose up in the air, straighten up your back and shoulders…and WALK out the door!
Y0u are doing all the work now, there will be less, once your and your children are out of there… ask around and find agencies that will help you get set up.Do it for your children, if your sister in law is the babysitter ,and you trust her,agree on a pay plan with her…he’ll have to pay child support,perhaps that will pay child care.
Be brave, you CAN do it!!
Kudos to you for recognizing.
You mention you work from home….get housing (there is help for that) and support just you and your 2 boys …. I bet you will have a happier home for all 3 of you!
Stay at home but work 40hrs?? Working from home? As a single parent of 7 you learn to manage your time and yes it can be difficult but if you’re already doing “everything” on your own just be alone…less stress
Split. Separate houses. Contact with the kids to have time to yourself and he spend time with the kids too! If ur definitely needed a clean break to assess how u feel xx
You guys need to live apart because it sounds like he and his sister are using you. Promise if you leave. You won’t feel as bad it’ll be easier.
Guuuurrrrllllll me too 
minus the man part bc I kicked his ass to the curb
Your already a single mom. You will be ok! Take it one day at a time and do stuff for YOU on occasion. I’m sorry it ended like this but he’ll realize some day too late what he lost.
It’s his way out to do what he wants and see who he wants. You had a baby 4 months ago. He knows everything you have to do daily and he knows you have no time for anyone else. It’s an excuse and free pass to be with someone else knowing you won’t. When he gets caught, he’ll simply say that you agreed to it and it’s not his fault you can’t find anyone else.
Get the hell out of there!
Look some other places to live. Close to family?
Demand child support and open a dating site.
Go be happy!!!
You have. 4 month old your hormones are all over the place. Kick out the la y in law as well as the lazy father of your kids and move on!
If 2 kids within 3 years wasn’t his idea, he probably resents you and feels trapped.
If you split you can get some “me time” while he has court-ordered custody time with the kids. Hopefully he will have to pay child support to you so you’ll be less broke. See if you can get single parent benefits like subsidized housing, food stamps, etc. to get you started.
Maybe there’s a religious organization you can join to feed your soul, get a break while the kids are in Sunday School or equivalent, and find new friends.
Find people in this forum who live near you to be your friends and part of your support system. If your family isn’t close or helpful, make a new one. Many of my and my kids relatives are “related by love” vs. blood.
Find something else that feeds your soul, and make a plan to engage in it at some point. If you can’t afford child care or tuition, maybe get a DVD, listen to a podcast or webinar, watch a You Tube demonstration or follow along with an activity program. Probably some for kids that you could enjoy too.
Or find someone you know and trade talents. She or he teaches you (and your kids maybe) to paint, you teach her/him (and possibly kids) how to bake. Or how to fix a flat, or play a song on a piano, or how to use Excel, or how to hula or how to spot poisonous mushrooms, or how to do a karate kick, or care for a minor burn, or unclog a drain or do a cartwheel. The possibilities are endless, and can be a one-time thing or sessions over time. Your group of teachers and learners can be as big or small as you like. If you have at least one other person to share with, you can expand to people you don’t know. Barter can be a great thing for small home fixes too.
Get more exercise with your boys. Walks, put on music and dance, run up and down the sidewalk, go for a hike in a park, hit the YMCA for classes or swimming. You’ll feel better, release tension and have more energy. Some places have free Tai chi practice in parks. Just show up and follow the movements.
To save money, hit Freecycle, Buy Nothing, Facebook Marketplace, yard sales and thrift stores first to get whatever you need and save money. Even if you’re not eligible for food stamps, get whatever healthy stuff is available at food banks (it’ll be mostly carbs, but some canned veggies can be healthy). Offer to rake leaves or shovel snow for someone as a family; you get exercise, get paid & help someone out.
Go to your doctor or a clinic and get screened for depression. This could unlock more happiness and motivation. Get plugged into any free or low cost mental health or counseling resources, hotlines, support groups.
See if you can find empty nesters or older retired adults who are lonely and/or don’t see their own kids much and see if they’d like to visit and be friends with your family. Share love first, don’t expect babysitting or birthday presents but it might evolve that way. Retirement communities and such are good places to start. Not sure if Nancy Reagan’s Foster Grandparents program is still in business but it would be similar. Sign up the kids for the Big Brother program.
Do little things. Don’t try to “glam” yourself up right away. Maybe one day do your hair a different way you haven’t done in a while. Another day spend a little extra time on makeup if you wear it. Maybe just dress in something you haven’t in awhile but made you feel good before, even if you don’t leave the house. Take little steps in remembering what made you feel good before you were a mom. And do it for you. That’s the most important part. Never do it for anyone else. Once you start to feel confident again, it will show to everyone. Like I said, even if you don’t leave the house its OK to get dressed and look good while cleaning and cooking. It will make you feel better. I know, do you get the extra 30 minutes of sleep while the kids are sleeping, because we all know sleep is rare with little ones, or do you get up 30 minutes early and pamper yourself? Start with one day a week, then add on. It will be worth it. I’d suggest finding your own place too. Because it will be much easier for you to not worry about him and what he’s doing while you’re home doing everything you’re already doing alone. You’re already strong and know what needs to be done, just got to do the hard part and make it happen. Once it does you’ll know your worth and won’t settle for less than you deserve. Good luck mama. I’m sure you’re already beautiful and amazing, just need to give yourself that boost. 
This is a really hard situation to be in. I feel for you, but you are strong, and I believe this is just a small bump in the road for you. Finding time for self care seems almost impossible in this situation. However, it is completely and totally important that you do this. Even if its just for an hour. Take a shower or do some mediation. Start doing daily Journaling. According to your post it dosnt seem like their dad wants to be involved much in their lives. You need to point this out to him and hold him accountable to his responsiblites. It took to too tango! Take that hour girl while he spends time with his children! You need to get yourself a therapist. I mean this is not to be rude. This year has absolutely been hell for me and my relationship. I’m in a similar situation, but therapy has really helped me as an individual and a mother to grow. Nurture your soul. Set some HARD boundaries and learn to love you. <3 I believe in you, but you have to believe in you too! Be kind to yourself and don’t kick yourself while you’re down.
If he’s talking to other people, pray that they’ll take this deadbeat away from you soon 
Here’s an idea: a household chores calendar, and everyone over X age has a fair share to complete and check mark 
Also, you don’t need to date if dating wasn’t your idea/intention. Things I did to find myself after motherhood: reading non-fiction books, bicycle 
, listening to music that makes me feel good, cold water exposure, back to college (I wasn’t working full time like you are), new friends.
I was in a similar situation. Leaving was the best thing I could’ve done. All of the work still falls on me but now I don’t have anyone waltzing in and undoing everything. It’s honestly so much easier and I’m so much happier. 
Run! What difference does it make it you’re already doing it by yourself?
He won’t know what he had until you’re gone.
Run girl run…don’t walk
Drop his ASS get away from it you need to leave with the boys and I recommend seeking gvt assistance they can help with housing groceries and insurance put him on child support
I would give a chore list to that Sister that lives there
Join a class if some sort and time it for when he is there leave them kids with him and go to your classs hell have no choice but to step up and then hell also be in your actual shoes vs him trying to picture being in your shoes u have make them actually feel it. And make her help around the house f that or get yer own place
Start saving up and leave. You do it all anyways. It will be even less work because you won’t have him, his sister or her kid. Just you and yours and you will save more money that way too.
He’s exited the relationship already and that sucks. You can be on your own and in a lot of ways it will be easier for you. Just even less people around will make things easier bc they aren’t making messes for you to clean. Def get into therapy!
Girl! Your already doing everything by yourself and basically a single mom! You got this 
find a place for you and your kids…save up or see if you can stay with anyone else but it can only get better from here since you already acknowledge the problem now to work on fixing it:purple_heart:
If you are unhappy now there is only one way to go! Move on
He did you a favor. You’re a single mother. you don’t need him.
Therapy.
Your hormones are still crazy too. Personally, nobody would live with me. Everybody could go. Lol.
If ppl don’t bring you peace, kick them out.
What’s the matter with toy? Don’t you realize you are nothing but the maid and caregiver for him and the extra people who are living there? So the other lady in the house sits in her rush while you do all the work, does she? I can’t say as I blame her, it’s nice to have a maid.
Honey, get out if there! Run don’t walk! I think you should be able to take care of yourself and the boys quite nicely, and have some extra time left over to relax a little bit when you get rid of all the dead weight you have been carrying. When you leave go ahead and go by a lawyers office and get custody if your children until it goes to court. That was the judge can grant you child support before it goes to court. I think you can function quite nicely with his contribution. Please do this. If you don’t, and you ever let him take the children for a visit he just might do it himself. Then he will have your children until you manage to get him into court! You deserve better than you are getting my dear.
I’d find a baby sitter, start working & work towards state assistance/housing so you allow yourself to move on.
If he doesn’t care then you need to move on for you your kids because living this way will never fill a void.
My best advice is to take some take some time daily (even at night before bed) and do something that makes YOU feel good. Whether that’s a long hot shower and skincare, or fixing your hair, doing your nails, WHATEVER it is that makes you feel good inside! Keep your head up 
While you “find yourself” you ought to “find” that your doin too damn much parenting, taking care of to lazy relatives and an emotional juvenile who doesnt contribute is too much on you and the reason your searching for the exit
You already do it all by yourself so kick them out and you will have less people to cook and clean for. Get a place for you and the kids and get your life back on track. God Bless you.
Sounds like you’ve been used, isolated, and abandoned honey. You’re already doing it alone. You got this Mama.
See doctor and talk with a therapist. You appear to be an unpaid maid to him and his family. You’re worth more than this. It’s a one sided relationship with her m getting all the benefits
Move out and make it official. It’s already toxic but you can’t see it till you leave.
Until you can save some money to move forward you sit down and make a chore list with the person who is there 24/7. If they don’t want to talk about it like an adult then you move forward on your own and tell your husband that you will be saving all your money to move out. If he does not want to help you with that then you call your family and you make another plan to go live elsewhere till you can get yourself together for yourself and your children if that’s possible. He’s made it clear that he does not want to be held down anymore so you go to a lawyer and get child support and learn to move forward and get some therapy for yourself and learn to show your children that’s not what real life is about as a family. I assumed neither one of you talked or have good communication so I assume he doesn’t want to have marriage counseling to work it out. Everybody understands the tiredness and unhappiness but if you don’t make yourself clear and stick to it it will continue this way for the rest of your life. So step up now and make a plan and stick to it and show your children how life is supposed to be because it’s not just about you. Good luck .
Leave! You are doing it alone now, plus taking care of 3 more. It will be hard to adjust, but seek the happiness you deserve. He’s probably already got another. Wish you the best
It’s a hard pill to swallow but he’s BEEN taking to other people. Stuff like this isn’t decided overnight. I sincerely hope you can get away from this mess.
We as mothers loose our self at times cause the kids are so small and no me time. You need to find someone who can help babysit go do ur Nails, hair pamper urself . You do you you have to feel confident about you then only will you be Independent and feel comfortable to be single again.
You can do this you just need to be motivated to take that first step and do you:kissing_closed_eyes:
You aren’t married to this guy. And now he wants to still live together receiving all the benefits of you doing all the parenting and housework while he goes out to sleep with other people. And for a bonus you get to clean up , cook, and take care of his sister and her child too. What is he doing for you? I’m assuming he’s working and paying the bills or why else would you stay?
So the real problem is you finding income and your own housing. Until you can get back on track seek out assistance for single mom’s, you have benefits you can receive with WIC and food stamps, section 8 housing, welfare. Etc. Also seek help with your post partum depression. Get yourself out of this situation and you’ll be surprised how much better you feel and it will make it easier for you to forge your next plan.
Leave. Leave leave leave. His actions show you whats important, you just dont want to admit it. He wouldnt be telling you to go see whats out there if he hasnt been seeing whats out there himself. You already do it alone, get rid of the people adding more stress to your life (him and sil). You are in a trauma bond right now.
That type of marriage won’t work. It’s one sided.leave and find a new life.
It’s not motherhood you’re tired of ,and mentally emotionally burnt out. It’s the people you’re living with. Why would you cook for someone who doesn’t contribute any help? Why would live with someone who doesn’t take the responsibility of being the father??? Find the answers to my questions and you will be cured.
Take the burden off your shoulders that is not your responsibility! Cooking and cleaning and laundry along with little ones is close to impossible to be done by one person… so either ask them (your man and his sister) to help with the house since you’re working too. If they don’t agree move out if it’s not your house. If it is …show them where the door is.
Go get a good family attorney. Take everything you can get. Tell those in-laws to get out!! Worry only about you and your kids. Find a Church your comfortable in. Get help to clean and organize your home. Make a new start with your babies. Always put God and your children first.
You are grieving for the future you thought you’d have. Allow yourself time to grieve
You say you work 40 hours a week and stay at home… I know stay at home mom is nonstop work… So, you need to put your foot down and tell them they’re babysitting and you’re going out
First and foremost! If you read nothing else, read this! DONT LIFT ANOTHER FINGER FOR THAT MAN OR ANYONE ELSE LIVING IN YOUR HOME BESIDES YOUR KIDS! Yall are broke up now, regardless if you plan on still living together from this moment forward treat him as a coparent not a partner! Do not wash his funky draws. Do not cook his meals. Do not offer leftovers. Tell him he will be keeping the kids every other weekend just like he would if yall lived separately since yall are broke up. Then you have your time to do whatever, even if you stay home do not help him with the kids thats his time. As far as this person living with you and not helping, give them a timeline to get their shit together and if they dont, evict them! Let ol dude live this single life he wants and he’ll see how much you do for him and the kids once he has to take his weekend and see how work it really is.
Sounds like u r pretty much taking care of u ur kids n ur home kick him n ur sister n law out…much better without any of them praying for u
How did you land on the number 6 for the amount of diapers changed? Lol
For him to avoid you, there’s already a clear indication of what he feels.
Journey off onto your own. Even when you’re with the right person, you will still be your own person… But loved and appreciated.
This is what you need.
He’s trying to make a nice little path (where he’s guilt free) for what he’s already done.
Start meditating, yoga, anything you feel drawn to that is self-care for you. Get Audible and listen to enlightening books while your working or cleaning, cooking etc. I feel the exact same way it’s been so hard to keep my relationship spark since we conceived almost as soon as we got together we now have a 4 yr old 1 yr old and I’m 6 months pregnant. I’ve been pregnant and or breastfeeding our entire relationship and my hormones and libido have not been good to me to say the least, we are still together but it’s a constant struggle trying to be a good wife and a good mum and look after my own self.
Start with the little things forget about finding another guy until you find yourself
Stop doing so much for him. If you guys are “separated” STOP BEING HIS GIRL. Don’t cook for him sm don’t clean up after him. If you have ur own money save up and move on your own. MAKE HIM WATCH HIS KIDS SO YOU CAN GO OUT TO ITS HIS RESPONSIBILITY TOO! Get cute go out for a drink or two. You’ll meet people once you start going out and focusing on YOURSELF
Kick them both out! If neither of them are no help and add to the stress, you got this!
This is a very hard and tough situation! I am praying that you find the right path for your life bc the decisions you make now will effect you future for both you and your kids. Big hug to you!
A.new year is coming g kick him and his family out.
Then look at your self in the mirror and tell your self you are worthwhile you are beautiful. Before you trow your in law out. Get dressed put some make up on. See if some one from. Work wants to go out. Take care of your self. You are loved
Unless he suddenly decided he didn’t like kids and emotional women, you always knew this was coming. Women need to get past changing men. Take them as they are or learn to live with what you don’t like. Now, you are on your own. So pull yourself together, get a job and make a life for yourself and your children.
Well sweetheart don’t ever feel less than because of what he says. You are so so worthy hun. You may have to let go to move on. Sounds like even if you wanted to do something for your selve it would be hard to find the time. Bury your self in all the love you can muster for your children until you can start to get over him. Believe me if you do it in the right order you will wake up one day and relies just how much you didn’t need someone that you gave 2 precious children to that treated you like he has. But if you chose to remain with him please remember you now know exactly who he is. Do you really want to live with that, if so start right now praying to God to change him. Pray with all sincerity, just plain ole cry out to God to change him. And don’t stop praying for him. Do it like a mission because it is. If you ever need someone to talk to I will always answer you. Please remember you are so much more than he sees.