I’m really struggling as a parent right now… my oldest is just really hard to tolerate and deal with. She’s 9 going into 4th grade and I’m just so tired of battling her everyday. Whenever questioned about her behavior she says “I don’t know”. Her autistic brother doesn’t even give me these challenges. I want to cry. She never learns or takes in anything you say to her.
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With her having an autistic brother maybe she’s not getting the one on one time she needs with you.
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Sounds like she’s reaching the age  where she knows everything and you know nothing. Have you tried taking away electronics or activities that she likes to do for fun? Is there something going on in her world that you may be unaware of? I mean the fact that you say she’s getting harder to tolerate she’s your kid, if you can’t handle her, no one else can. You’re the parent figure it out. 
Honestly can even offer advice since the ONLY thing you mentioned she does is say “I don’t know”…
Your not alone hun
Welcome to the world of pre-pre teens
You need to get tough with her
Sister girl
Show her there are always going to
Consiquences for her actions
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How does she do in school? Has she been evaluated for ADHD? This reminds me of a similar situation with a child I know, which is why I’m throwing that out there. Obviously it could be anything. But this particular child does the “i don’t know” thing when questioned about why she did something bad, etc. and it’s difficult to get through to her. Once she started treatment for ADHD, it helped a lot.
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It must be the preteen years. My daughter is 11 she started having an attitude at 9 . She started her monthly cycle at 9. I take her to therapy and counseling
Sounds like negative attention. Try positive attention and girl time together
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Maybe the answer to I don’t know is…well let’s figure it out together now and do just that 100 times over if you have to. Just don’t give up because then you both loose. Good luck.
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As a parent for 37 years. I can only advise you is to continue talking. Every week or second week. Ask the same questions. Give the same rules. Ask if you would like to say something that’s on your mind. Ask… Do you have any thing on your mind that you would like more clarity on.
Ive made mistakes over the years and I’ve tried different ways. So I’ve come to the conclusion that this is the best way.
Remember it will go according to who actions the information. It may take a long while.
Also remember that that’s the best you can do. Take it easy. Breathe and pray for the best outcome.
Be strong Mother
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Same boat. I just keep telling myself if I don’t show them love and compassion, who will??
My daughter was diagnosed with o.d.d. and that sounds like what you might be dealing with
Maybe try lots of cuddles. When she misbehaves just give her a big cuddle as soon as it happens and tell her I love you. Could just be that she is craving any attention and she gets it quicker by misbehaving. Try it for a couple of days and see if both your patterns change for the better. It’s worth a try. 
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Just throwing this out there. She could be on the spectrum as well. Girls are usually diagnosed later than boys, if at all. Girls present differently than boys. The fact that you have one child on the spectrum increases the chance of another.
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Maybe her cycle is getting ready to start
Welcome to pre-teen. If you don’t nip it now it will only get worse. You two ( alone ) need to have a serious discussion. Let her know the rules, suggestions & advice. Let her know the consequences. Then listen to her.
All of the above listen to calming parenting podcasts they help a lot
Kids act the way parents allow. Stop allowing it.
Maybe she’s ADHD or somwthing like that. Have her asseced
Welcome to parenthood where we are Tortured for the rest of our lives.Stand your ground after all you are the parent bend or brake that’s what my mother told me(guess what I bend)
Are you asking these questions in the moment of the chaos or after everyone has calmed down? I will say first hand that my strong willed and independent daughter does not take a thing in that I say if I say it while she’s “in trouble” so later, I go to her and talk. We talk about expectations, feelings, and why she decided to do whatever it was, then follow up with what a better plan of action would have been. It may sound crazy, but even as an adult, I’d prefer that approach if I did something wrong. Kids seek attention if they don’t feel like they’re getting it, even if it’s negative attention. I even went through that. My son and daughter are 5 years apart, so there was a bit of time that she was acting out negatively for attention and eventually, after some discussion, she openly admitted she needed more attention, so now, I know and I’m sure to set time aside for just the two of us. It’s hard, parenting is hard… We’re still learning too. Just continue to have patience, walk away if you need to… Be consistent with your words and actions. Follow through every time if you set up a boundary or consequence for a negative action. Try to remember that even though the days are long, the years are short and this phase, while it’s exhausting, won’t last forever. You’ve got this!
try to focus on her good behavior, compliment it, if your already not. let her know your always there to talk, help her feel comfortable opening up with you.
something could be going on that she is having a hard time with and she might not know how to talk about it.
The first thing I would suggest is having her evaluated for ASD and/or ADHD.
Symptoms look different in girls but Symptoms can vary GREATLY from person to person.
I really believe the first step in dealing with difficult behaviors is knowing where they’re coming from.
For example… stimming.
If I didn’t know my kiddo was stimming I would honestly think he was just trying to annoy the rest of the household on purpose.
But I do know.
So he gets options that work for him but also work for the rest of us (like taking it to his room or outside) because there’s only so many times my sanity can take a full volume SpongeBob laugh in a 10 minute window.
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Look into seeing if she has ADHD. My oldest daughter has it and was huge on the “I don’t know”. It would frustrate me to no end. She is now an adult and with having conversations with her on top of me doing a lot of reading on it over the years, she really truly didn’t know why she did some of the things she did.
Girls!
my daughter who’s 8 on Wednesday is exactly the same it’s draining as!
they normally say karma but I was a good kid tbf.
Definitely wouldn’t say it’s negative attention, both mt daughters get equal attention and my eldest is like this! We have time together then time with jaut me and my eldest then time with jaut me and my youngest, definitely not negative attention.
Majority of people with daughters I know are like this so you’re definitely not alone! It’s joys of girls I guess
She could be on the spectrum as well. Or ADHD. Females get diagnosed later bc our symptoms are vastly different. She really may not know.
I’d talk to her Dr.
Without specifics, set the rules for the home, with her. Explain why they are the rules. What the expectations are. That she can come to you if there’s an issue or problem. Make sure she knows it’s ok to have bad days. Start helping her find ways to understand her reactions and better ways to handle her emotions. Reinforce the rules and consequences. Helping her understand herself is the biggest win you can do for her. 