I am resentful after my husband served time in prison

My husband has been in and out of jail for the last two years. Initially it was just one offense but the times after that was probation violations sending him back and for the final one landing in prison. I stayed. We have kids. I wasn’t resentful after the previous times he’s was in jail but after he went to prison and it was for something even I thought was stupid. But for some reason after he got out resentment and anger has built and I can’t seem to shake it. I am trying to work on forgiving him so I can be free of all the anger. It is effecting our marriage because I just hold so much against him. Even though he isn’t doing anything but working and coming home. He’s not going out and doing stupid things. How do I go about working on forgiving him and letting all this resentment go? We are wanting to go to therapy but aren’t in a position to pay for it right now So I’m trying to learn or try anything until we can go. Help! I am very much wanting to everything there is to try and keep our marriage together but I’m exhausted.
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What is the resentment for? Because he was gone? My husband was in prison for 2 years, it was hard so I understand. It sounds like he’s doing good, and that’s great! I would talk to him. Set aside time when you’re both free, and start talking. Start with “I feel…” Listen to his answers, make sure hes listening to you as well. If it’s hard to say in words maybe write it out and let him read it.

Help a mama out and respond anonymously on our forum. I am resentful after my husband served time in prison - Mamas Uncut

I wouldnt forgive him. Hes a loser for going to prison. A real man stays out of trouble and provides for his family

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My ex And I have 3 kids together. He has been in and out of jail since they were babies for anything from drugs to larceny to assault on a female where I pressed charges on him. He hasn’t seen our kids since our youngest was 2 months he will be 7 next year. He doesn’t call them when he is out. He stood up in front of the judge when we went to court and told him that he don’t want to be a dad it’s to hard it is to much responsibility and he doesn’t want to do it. My kids ask all the time where he is why he doesn’t love them why he doesn’t want them. It makes me bad because he chose drugs and crime over them. He went to rehab thru court and came out 2 days later was arrested again on drug charges. You have a right to your feelings. If they go once and keep doing stuff willingly to end up back in there then yes you have a right to be mad.

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Depends if he is working on himself or not. Just because someone went to jail doesnt mean they can’t turn around and heal themselves and be happy and healthy. It will take time, take a breath and try to focus on 2 positive things when one negative comes in your mind.

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I have 2 podcasts I would like to suggest.

1 . Mark groves - he’s amazing and I think you will love it.

  1. The life coach school - brook castilo

They really help you dig deep into what’s going in inside you. Therepy is expensive and this might be a really great tool to help you guys get started on fixing things. In both they give you other people to look into for what ever thing your trying to deal with and it’s really really helped me through some shit I couldn’t figure out on my own.

Seriously, talk to him. He made some mistakes. He paid for them and he’s trying to make up for it. Trying to earn your trust back. Talk to him.

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Contact county about health department counseling. You pay based on income. If you have Medicaid they will pay. Not many health providers want to take that insurance but some will. You and your kids deserve better. He doesn’t seem to have learned his lesson if he’s still violating probation. PS. I would have my husband get a 2nd job to pay for counseling if he had caused the problem. If he truly is a changed man he will do whatever necessary to fix things for you and your kids. Maybe he could ask his family for a loan for counseling. It’s his responsibility to come up with the money for therapy. Don’t you pay for it from your salary or wages.

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Do you know what you’re resentful for? The missed time? Not being involved even tho he’s physically present? The reason for the jail time?
I think first you need to identify where the feelings are stemming from, then address them together. Discuss (without fighting if possible) and explain what you’re feeling and why. Discuss how you can fix it together

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Tell him what your feeling either face to face or write it down get it all out and once you do you will know what you want to do then once you figure that out tell him and make a list of how you can get there take small steps

Maybe your the only one fighting for your marriage and to keep your family together. My kids dad is in prison as well and I have the same feelings that you do only I learned my lesson on a one sided fight. What if you were just like him then who would your kids have? Sometimes enough is enough one time might be a mistake but after that there is no excuse

If you have insurance they might pay for the counseling. Mine does and I know some others do as well. Maybe a sliding fee place that charges what you can pay.

Psychologytoday.com in your area for income based Therapy.

Is it a case of he has to acknowledge his stupidity and lack of respect for the effect his actions caused you? I hope if he hasn’t then he really really owns it…he will be feeling your resentment too and hey! You obviously love each other so why not get all the emotional stuff out of the way and just get to enjoy your love…

All depends if he is looking to change work on things, went through a similar situation but unfortunately my ex husband didn’t feel he had a problem after spending 23 months in prison while my middle daughter was born. Left while pregnant with my youngest and has never met my youngest and can’t even remember either of my youngest 2 kids names. Thoughts and prayers that he is willing to work on things and talk things through …if not best thing to do is leave (won’t be easy but you will get through it).

Therapy for yourself and for the marriage. It’s ok if you can’t move past this.

What are the stupid things he’s going to prison over? You didn’t give much detail. You need to go with your gut though. If you’re resenting him there’s a reason.

If he’s changed then forgive him everyone makes mistakes but on the other hand if he keeps doing it then leave

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Maybe write a letter on how you feel.

Therapy would help I seen where you said you guys cannot afford it right now. I don’t know if you belong to a church but a lot of churches will help with couple and marriage counseling for free or for a small donation to the church

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Nah I wouldn’t forgive him. He knew what he was doing was wrong and continued to make the same “mistakes” again and again. He’s a shitty and selfish person :woman_shrugging:t2: you have kids and can’t get your shit together for their sake? Absolutely pathetic

self reflect. He did his time, and he’s not re offending. Hes working and coming home. You said his charges were stupid, so is it worth holding onto anger about? Its not going to change the past, only affect the present and future

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Have you tried to maybe not be a bitch?

Did he ever truly tell you his thoughts on how his time away impacted YOU? Sometimes all i want is someone to VALIDATE what they did…walk in my shoes. How you had to manage the children, household, everything while he was away? Did he ever take the time to think about YOU picking up the pieces while he was gone?

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Maybe you are just done? You’ve been raising your family without him because he was acting like a child… out getting in trouble… and he didn’t learn his lesson the first couple times because he keeps getting sent back. yeah, I would be done… I wouldn’t want our children to think it’s ok to live a life the way he is. He’s a bad influence

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So as to therapy. I know in my town, the local collage has a free/low income option for the psychology college students to essentially practice being therapists.

Also. Do you do anything for yourself? As in a hobby or something that gives you joy? Or just time for your brain to chill and reset without the kids (or husband) having your time? I know that we get burnt out trying to go and do and be for our kids. And spouses.

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Do you attend church? Sometimes your pastor might help talk to you both when it comes to marital problems.

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Go to church together

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Many pastors do marriage counseling for free or very affordable rates

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If he’s working his employer might have an Employee Assistance Program that potentially offers at least a few free sessions of counseling per incident. It would be worth checking to see if they offer that.

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Everyone always thinks that forgiveness means letting it go and forgetting about it but in all honesty sometimes when you’re very angry about something it’s not so much that as it is excepting what happened and moving past it and knowing that you can’t change it. You can’t change the past and neither can he. If u want ur marriage to work u have to accept his stupid ass mistakes and he has to yours. That doesn’t mean u won’t get angry, instead of wallowing in it, think of the great things he’s done and how he’s growing as a man. And make the conscious choice to love him anyway because love isn’t always sunshine and rainbows. If u can’t do that maybe u should let the marriage go because nobody deserves to have their past thrown in their face over and over if their trying to improve themselves. This is coming from someone who’s been in ur shoes.

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You can go to a local church and speak with Pastor…Also put your trust in God and he will not fell you…

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Find a church that calls to you, lean on the support of the pastor and the congregation, open your heart to the message you receive and let Him work on your heart. It’s amazing, what He will do! God is great!!! I am speaking from my own experience. I was full of doubt but turned to Him in desperation when I had nowhere else to go. Changed my whole world!! :heart: :pray:t2:

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Find an outlet for your emotions. Calm yourself with meditation, prayer, deep breathing, labyrinth walks. There are yoga, Tai chi, transcendental meditation, and breathing technique videos on You Tube. I like Tai Chi Ch’ih: Joy Through Movement. Your library should also have books of meditative writings, poetry, mental exercises to calm your mind and heart.

Journaling can also help “empty your bucket” of emotions and thoughts by putting them on paper. This could also be helpful to have to re-read to help you make sense of things, or to show your therapist when you are able to get one.

Then go the other way and do vigorous exercise until you’re exhausted. Run around your neighborhood or a park or run up and down stairs when your man is at home to watch your the kids, or while swapping child watching duties with another mom. Do calisthenics until you’re exhausted, follow a Zumba class on You Tube or get a CD. Look for inexpensive exercise equipment like a rowing machine or treadmill or mini trampoline at thrift stores and use them when the kids are sleeping. Not only does it help with anger & resentment, but you release the “feel-good” serotonin and endorphins and it gets you in better shape and gives you more energy in the long run.

Call a women’s center to see if they have low-cost counseling options. One near me offered $20 sessions with masters degree students who hadn’t been certified yet. There may be lower cost phone counseling options too. Call your doctor who may have access to resources and discounts for therapy. And check out books at your local library. The librarian can be a good resource to help you find books and online options that can help make sense of your feelings, and others designed to help with your marriage. There may be archived newspaper and magazine advice columns (“Dear Abby” style) in a searchable database you could read to find advice from those in similar situations.

I hope you and hubs can find solutions. It sounds like he’s trying to do better. But use what therapy options you have

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Churches and pastors offer free counseling.

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Really think about everything that has happened in the last two years. You probably were more upset about things than you realize. And just kept pushing it off and now it’s at it’s breaking point.

(I know if it was me and someone I loved kept going back because they were violating their probation I would be mad. I know probation can be hard to follow sometimes but they are set rules that aren’t impossible and you know the consequences when you don’t follow them.

And once you figure some things out with yourself. Talk to him about it. You don’t have to be okay with everything. You’re allowed to be upset

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I second a good church family. I know therapists can help some situations but that’s also how they make their money. And from my experience, people that go to therapy are trying to change, and I think a lot of therapists take advantage of that, and use you. There is a really good book called power of a praying wife and power of a praying husband. It helps to give you a better understanding of the way a man thinks/feels.

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Feel your feelings. You have every right. He abandoned you by making choices that took him away. He is trying now and has made changes but you still have the right to feel your feelings. Sit down and tell him exactly how you’re feeling. Cry and scream it to him. Let him see your pain from it. (Away from the babies of course) Or maybe write it all down and let him read it if verbal isn’t the best way for you.
But get it out. Then leave it there. You’ll still have your moments or days of those feelings and he needs to be patient and let you be pissy with him. With his understanding those moments will become less n less. Pray for forgiveness, peace and comfort. I hope this helps. It looks like you do really love him and do want to make it work. But it’s going to take hard work from both of you. Be patient with yourself. You’ll get there. :sparkling_heart:

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I think you need to go on a prison wife support page to get the correct information on ppl who go through it and are going through it. Most ppl don’t kno wats it like

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Has he done anything to earn your forgiveness? Has he even apologized?

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If you are willing to frogive and willing to work through it, the reality is you have to have patience. Basically, all you can do is give it time. Over time, new memories will be formed, new events will take precidence in your mind and heart, and it will slowly get easier. The speed it takes depends on your willingness to focus on the good while letting go of the past, and his determination to actively prove himself.
You can googlr stuff, look stuff upnon Pintrest, find videos on tiktok and youtube. The information is out there but you gotta put in the work.

I seen all these people writing about go to church talk to the pastor he might be able to help you why not just go directly to God the problem solver anger is an emotion like love and you can choose to let it eat you up for you can choose to put it behind you and continue on with your life the way you choose ask God for guidance and listening and he will give it to you. I have tried marriage counselors I have tried pastors and the only sure cure that I know of that works is to seek God’s will in your life and anger is not one of them The Bible says get angry and sin not and forgive your brother seven times 70 so when you wake up in the morning and your husband is getting ready for work even though he puts you through such hardships be thankful that God has changed him and he is working and he is doing the best he can to provide for you and your family Bible says be thankful for the small things and it will make you the ruler over many. Anger is an emotion just like jealousy love hate. I choose not to be angry at anyone I choose to be color blind when it comes to a man or a woman because we are all God’s children I judge a person by their actions and if he is changed and so should you and if you can’t then your marriage will never work.