I am unhappy in the town I live in: Advice?

I live in a small town in upstate NY with my two children and husband. I grew up in this small town, and my parents were prevalent in the community. I moved away for college and never really came back except to visit. I was living in a southern state when I got married to my first husband and pregnant with my first son (my first marriage to a narcissist/borderline personality disorder). So many terrible things happened, but I ended up moving back home to the small town to be closer to my parents. I knew I wanted to raise my kids, where my parents were. I since divorced (horrible court battles) I have full legal and physical custody of my child. I then met my current husband, whose family is also from this town. We had our second child together. My dilemma is this; I am unhappy here. So unhappy. My parents are now moving away to a southern state, and I want to go. My husband and his family are established here, so he isn’t entertaining a conversation about it. He has a great job for his family business, and I have a decent job, but I do not enjoy it at all. The job market in this small town is awful. No jobs with benefits and a decent salary. Where I want to go? SO much opportunity. I feel I am selfish, but I am UNHAPPY, where I am. I can’t go outside without someone asking about my family/friends/ex-husband/child custody situation. I want privacy again. I should also state that my ex (first son’s father) is now living here too. He has two other women with children also all in town. I am so unhappy that I am becoming depressed and anxious. All of my close friends have moved away, also. What do I do?

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Gosh, that’s so hard. I see both sides. :tired_face:

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I’m in upstate NY as well!

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Move . You need to be happy…

I’m not trying to be awful and I’m sure I’ll get attacked for this, but you cant uproot your children’s lives just because your unhappy. That’s selfish. And would cause a rift between you and your husband if he doesn’t want to go. Your kids deserve family/stability. Find the good in your situation. Same bs no matter where in this world you go

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I say move with your family if it will make u happy :heart:I know it’s probably not gonna be easy hopefully your hubby will go withu

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I’d leave with my parents. Do what makes you happy. I know I wouldn’t be able to live like that.

First and foremost you must talk with your husband. A marriage is hard work and y’all are a team. Express to him how hard of a time you’re having and how unhappy you are. Hear his side and how he feels and try to reach a compromise. You have a family now, and i understand the want and need to be happy- but you have children and a husband you have to consider when making life changing decisions. Talk to him and go from there. I wish you the best :heart:

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Try to see if he will she to just move out of that town but not too far away from his family. Remember that leaving what you’ve always known can be scary and he is doing good there so he has no want to leave. This is a hard sit you’re in and there are no easy answers

Frist of all u and your husband need to talk bout this, second u need to find out why u unhappy, moving away might not be the answer.

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Can you and ur husband move out of the town but close enough to go bck for work?

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Maybe looking into another town close by. So that way you arent uprooting everything your kids know and your husband will still have his job and you can possibly find one you like. I want to add you need to look if this a location thing or a you thing. Moving might not solve many of these problems

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Maybe move to a neighboring, booming town that offers you more for employment but a comfortable daily commute for your husband.

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If your husband loves you he will understand. Marriage is also about sacrifices. If you don’t do something within reasonable time your patience will run thin and a wall will start to build between you and your husband. Then it will no longer be you and him verses the issue. It will be you verses him. This is tough. But can be manageable if both parties can meet in the the middle. Maybe you can leave town not state. Try to compromise. Lay all the cards on the table. Be open and honest about how you feel. But be sure to take his feelings into consideration as well. Weigh pros and cons. Make sure ur bit doing this for just u. U have children as well. Gotta make sure it is in their best interest as well etc. Goodluck

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Your mental health is super important. Being that unhappy and depressed is not good for you. But because it cant physically be seen, people think it’s no big deal and that’s a crock of crap!! There are many factors to think about for sure, but at the end of the day if you’re mental health is struggling, it will affect your parenting. I have been there, and now my mental health is my main priority because I know that when my mental health is failing, I am failing my children. Tey speaking with your husband about how this is negatively affecting your mental health, and how it truly makes you feel. I hope he understands, and is willing to work to find a solution with you, rather than without you… I wish you the best mama, YOUR MENTAL HEALTH MATTERS :heart::heart:

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Make a compromise. You guys will stay while the kids grow up so you don’t uproot them but once they’re older, you move.

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This is a conversation that you and your husband need to really talk about. This would involve him also. His feelings also have to be taken into account unless you want to divorce him and move with your family. This is a life changing move with Jobs having to be found among other things. This is not a what do I do but a what do we do? This is about the both of you, the family and the kids.

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Move. Life is too short to be miserable…

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If he treats u bad to go do what is best for you

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They would probably love to move

If u are unhappy it must not be just you’re job apparently something else but must be going on too probably with him go

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Why would u take ur 1st child away from their father

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I would make sure that my husband knew that I was becoming depressed, anxious, and any other feelings I felt as well as remind him that I’m truly unhappy where we live.

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Well first of all if he doesn’t even want to entertain a conversation about it there us a problem. That problem is the lack of willingness to communicate. That is like the #1 thing I think every marriage should have. If you don’t have that then your not afforded all of the other things a marriage should have, trust, loyalty and commitment. If he really loves you and wants your marriage to survive then he will be open to talk to you aboit it. I think its more then just wanting your privacy though. I think you want to be hear your family and away from his. Which is not fare to him either. Compromise and come up with a location that is suitable for the both of you. Don’t either one if you expect the other to sacrifice your families. If your parents are going south and his are north then compromise something in between. Also you have to take in affect the children a feelings as well. Don’t make a rash decision before you have looked into every aspect of this move. Communicate and find a middle ground for all of you. Best of luck to you.

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Suck it up. You knew how you felt about that town before you decided to make a commitment to someone there and produce another child. If you do make the wrong decision and decide to leave, leave that man’s child with him.

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If you are unhappy and depressed, you cant take care of your family properly. Have a serious talk with your husband and let him know how deep this is affecting your mental health. It most likely will end in divorce and custody battle… are u willing to give up your 2nd child and have visitation rights on holidays and vacation? Are you really ready for this a 2nd time? Are you just overwhelmed right now? Speak to a psychologist/therapist and get a neutral opinion and advice. No one knows what it feels like to be trapped unless they experience it. Personally, I would leave because I care about myself before anyone else and as selfish as that sounds, that’s me!!!

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Compromise? Maybe move halfway between. He can keep his job and you can get to a better place.

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“Wherever you go, there you are.” Get some therapy first. What do you expect the new place will offer your current or former home doesn’t? Why do you think you’ll be happier elsewhere? Figure out any deeper reasons you are unhappy & work on that.

Did/do your parents help you out a lot? Are you dependent on them sometimes? Just something to think about. What will you miss about them most when they move?

You both need to put your traumatized kids first. They’ve been through a lot of emotional and physical upheaval. Stay where you are for now to let them heal & get them in counseling.

Hubs has a great job with the family business, and his parents (and probably friends) are nearby. Chances are he will not want to leave. Are you prepared to leave your husband and children and one set of grandparents to be happier?

Can you join clubs in neighboring larger towns & cities? Start your own business or franchise for more exciting work? Go back to school to do something different that you’d enjoy more in your current location?

Maybe make a deal that in X number of years you and your family will move someplace else. That way you know your sacrifice is for a finite amount of time, hubs can plan to transition to a new career, and you can prepare the kids for more upheaval.

Is there a college nearby where you could work, get some culture & mental stimulation & make less nosy friends?

Surely there is SOMETHING to like about the town you are in—in addition to your current husband and children.

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This is literally between you and your husband

I lived in Cadyville, NY. Small town for real. :sweat_smile:

Move out of the neighborhood but still within commuting distance. My family moved from a neighborhood to a country home. Worked out great, tho I had to start a different school.

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Well if he has a good job and both fathers of your children are there. for real for him to pick up to another state with no job is huge. So count your blessings if you love your family get counseling. Look for another job. You may have to drive a little further. Join a group or take some classes.

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My advice is to fix you not take off because the problems will be the same just in a new location. Yes it seems great because it’s new. But eventually that new will wear out and be old too. That’s life. People are in your business because you let them. Speak up for yourself and don’t entertain them. You found a man that you had another child with. Why leave him, break up another family, and start new because you are unhappy. Unhappiness follows. Find something that makes you happy. Go back to school, get a better job, maybe start a business or a hobby. Something that brings excitement into your life. You should be on board with your spouse prior to marriage and babies. Meaning you should have discussed not staying there to raise your family. Moving elsewhere eventually etc. He has roots there as did you. Now yours wants out so you do too. But what about him and his ?

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I used to hate the small town we moved to. My husband’s family owns a small business here. I know before we were married we would move here, but I didn’t think it would be so early on in our relationship.
We started doing activities together as a couple. As much as I hated hiking when we started, I bought a camera and took pictures on our hikes. After finding I enjoyed nature photography I liked hiking. What I’m trying to say is fine ways to make the best of your situation.
If someone and about your ex say something along the lines of that chapter is closed and I’d rather not talk about it. Find an activity to do as a family, pick up a hobby, take your kids to the playground where you might meet a new mom friend. Look for the good instead on dwelling on the sad. Yes you’re parents moved, plan for a week long visit where they can come and see you and your family. Make plans to do special, fun things with them. Call them using Skype or FaceTime. You can do it, you just have to decide to embrace your situation.
Pm me if you want to chat. I’m originally from Buffalo, NY and moved to Olean, NY.

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Speaking from experience, let your children finish school in the north. I was moved from north to south, as a teen. Southern schools, in general, pay teachers less and less $$ per student. I went from loving school and feeling challenged to being bored.

You may not be ready until you do some counseling first. Get your strength back. Tell people off when they are too nosey. You do not realize how cathartic that can be. Take your privacy back. Let your friends know that you no longer tolerate gossip. Tell your husband the things that are going on and keep him in the loop. Don’t bottle it up.

If you want privacy start telling ppl that. Ppl ask about your business bc you entertain the idea w them. Tell them it’s a personal matter you do not care to discuss and walk away. They will stop asking. I agree w others to look for a home outside of the town so commuting is a possibility but again… you have 2 children w fathers right there. Get counseling. Sort out yourself and communicate w husband. It’s not all about you. Your husband can’t sacrifice his happiness in hopes yours will come when I doubt yours is tied strictly to location.

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Moving was the best decision I ever made. I moved 3 days away to another state last second and fell in love with that town and the beautiful people in it. It was like a whole new world. SO different from my hometown. It changed EVERYTHING. Talk to your husband. DO IT!

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Try to find a job that requires you to travel. I absolutely hated the town I lived in. The job I had allowed me to be away from home, and it made it easy for me to go back and forth between New Mexico (his family) and NYC (my family). We eventually moved, but I am still out on the road and am able to see my family every month if I want.

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If your husband is running a family business start the same one but where you move to build the buisness. He gets to keep doing the family thing and you get out of the small town

Sounds like you want to run away. That doesn’t solve any problems. Communication is key. Your life is established, and moving could damage what you have forever

I live in upstate in NY too and I moved around a lot after high school. I always ended up back here, but I hate the winters. Honestly, the only reason I’m staying here is because the schools are really good where we live. I agree maybe just a move outside of town would be beneficial for everyone. Plus, depending on your custody situation, you may need permission from the court to move out of state anyways.

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Legally both fathers can stop you from moving 60 miles away

Move. People do it every day. :woman_shrugging:

I am from a small town in Arkansas and have moved off to a bigger town before and miss it. Around here is the same except we do have several large employers with benefits. You can’t do ANYTHING without someone else knowing it. I LOVED living in the bigger town. Yes, most of my family is here, but we aren’t close. I totally get what you’re feeling. My children are grown tho. I would definitely try some therapy. Depression will follow you wherever you go. I know because I have it. Talk to your husband and tell him how you feel. Is there a bigger town/ city close by where he could change his job and still be within an hour or two of his parents? Or maybe where you could find a decent job? Make a list of pros and cons for your children, your husband, and yourself if yall were to move. I know what a monster depression can be and will pray for you in the meantime.

Yes say a lot. To. Rebound. If. Proper. Help. In. Separation. WE available People. Be. Better Off.

Accept the fact that you will probably stay there, and drag yourself out of your depression, see your doctor about your symptoms. And live your life. It is terrible that everyone knows your business, I know that because I know first hand about that. Try to start thinking happy thoughts, easily said than done, resign yourself to the fact that you can’t get away from there. I’m don’t know you, so don’t think I’m a know it all, I just know you feel, and that’s how I felt with it.

Dealt with it not felt. Damn auto correct!

Okay, so I am not being rude or anything but I do feel like you are being very selfish. Your first child has been through a lot it sounds like and you want to move this kiddo (and possibly end in another divorce). You chose to have a child with your current husband and remarry but you are asking him to give up his job and home, basically his life because you want privacy?? Also you need to seek therapy. If you are depressed it will just follow you! And as for your ex, sounds like he is just going to follow you, and torture you because you allow it to affect you. You have custody and don’t need to pay this man any mind. I live in a small town, where we run into ex’s and such and we don’t even pay any mind. People want to talk they are going to do no matter want. I had to ask my mother in law to stop bringing up my husbands ex because it was rude, it stopped. Stand up for yourself. I also think it’s childish to want to move your little family to a southern state because your parents are going. You are trying to justify thinking of just yourself. Find something to make you happy,hobbies, running, school, writing, etc.