I am unsure about what to do with my relationship: Advice?

Can you please post anonymously. I need to vent/help. So to make a long story short. My SO of 11 years and the father of our four children, has been verbally abusive with in the past two years or so. It’s not a constant thing but more when he gets mad. Well, I recently found out that he has been messaging other women, I’m not sure if he’s had sex with them, but I’m almost positive he has. I want to leave, but with my kids being 9, 8, 5, and 1, it would be hard. And he is a good dad to them. He just sucks as a partner. Well, he has always been the provider. I’ve never worked beside a temp part-time when I was younger (about ten years ago). Since I have no job, I also have no money or car. It’s all his, so if I leave, I will struggle with the kids taking them to school and appointment. Now, if I’d leave, it would be to my parents, but they have been trying to sell their house for over a year now. And I feel selfish to ask then to take us in and have then not sold the house to help me. And with them working, I would also have to figure out how to get the kids from place to place and trying to get a job. I also wouldn’t want my parents coming home from work and taking care of the kids for me to work (once I get a job). And working during the day would be hard for childcare reasons. Plus, my mom is also not the nicest to me. She has also been verbally abusive to me in the past because of her mental health. And every now and then does say things that I as a mother wouldn’t say to my kids (body shaming, being disappointed in them). So my options are to stay and put up with SO. Or go to my parents. If I stay, I have to pretend I forgive him and live “normal,” otherwise, he will cut me off of using any money, and I’d have to hear him talk me down till I leave. A shelter is not an option. My kids don’t need to be put through something like that if he was abusive towards them, I would, but he’s actually great with them. My head just can’t think straight to make a good decision.

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Tell him you would like to go back to work. Make a 6 month plan to transition out on your own.

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leave. go through social services for child support, food stamps, and job training, as well as housing. He will be forced to pay the state if he won’t pay you. If you stay, you’re stuck with what you’ve got

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Kids could stay with dad until you get yourself a job and stable solo life.

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Get a job. Save your money. Leave. In the meantime, you have to act like you forgive him and everything is ok. Maybe have a chat with him about how you feel and maybe go to counseling? If he says no, then just say ok and make a plan to save money. I wouldn’t go to your parents if it’s going to be the same abuse there.

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Lover broke up with me last week i was so sad I changed completely, I wasn’t eating and i wasn’t talking to anybody, I cried a lot,I was so depressed and stressed out that I was scared I’m going to end up in the hospital because of all the stress and depression until one day i search online on getting love tips because I Love & care about him deeply and I just want us to be together as a couple again and I want us to last forever then i found a powerful spell caster Called Dr goko that he solved so many relationship problem then Dr goko told me he will come back to me between 24hrs . he can also help you Email him at ([email protected] com)

Just leave. You will find a way, contact welfare ask for help

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I was a single parent, I had two kids. It was best for me to work graveyard shift, I would be home to feed them dinner, bath, story at bedtime. They would sleep while I was at work. I would get home in the morning to get them up ready for school & breakfast. While they are at school, I WOULD sleep!! This may work for you & go to Social services as Polly Workinger suggested. Good luck pray for you & please let us knw how it all works out

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Im not trying to sound rude but it sounds like you’ve thought of all the excuses to not leave😥 You have to do what you have to do for not only the children but yourself! What would be worse, staying & putting up with him or moving with your parents and dealing with that situation? Find yourself a first shift job as 3/4 kids are school age and find a sitter/daycare to help! Social services can help with child care, transportation, etc. Explore other options before choosing to stay there or go with your parents. There’s nothing wrong with “making nice” until you can get your ducks in a row but dont get yourself comfortable staying in any place for too long! You CAN do it on your own!! It might seem hard but once you start doing it it’ll get easier! Have faith mama and think of ways to GET OUT and not stay and be miserable!

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I can understand your dilemma. We are hard enough on ourselves don’t need anybody else putting us down. I would start looking for a job or schooling so I could support myself and know kids. I would look on line and see what kind of help is out there for a single parent. I would be turning the wheels. And here is another thought if he doesn’t want to help you and his children out then say when you land a job that he can care for the children and you will take them on your days off untill you have a place to take them he may surprise you and give you the place and him move out. Men don’t what to be full time care givers just saying. You did not have them by yourself and should not be the full care giver and have nothing. Good luck and God bless.

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Marry him quick, then prove he’s cheated on you and take half lol

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Sorry but I have to say this.
Never depend completely on a guy.
Having kids isn’t excuse for not being able to work.

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I would look into all local and government funded social services to get yourself on your feet. See if there is an income based apartment? Any churches may help, women’s shelters may have resources for you as well, even if they’re too full to let you stay there, they have the info you may need to look into services. I don’t know if there are any common marriage laws where you are to be entitled to anything else. There may be vouchers to help with transportation. Maybe you could go back to work while living there and have him help pay child care? Or, you can try to do couples therapy to see where he stand? Whatever you choose, know that you can do it without him. It may be hard but you can. I had to throw a restraining order on my ex husband (later turned into a permanent restraining order) with 3 children and even though we were married I had a suspended license, so the judge gave him both vehicles! I was told I could go back when I got my license back and they would change it, guess what he lied saying he lived in the car, they didn’t bring up we had 2 vehicles or let me bring it up, the judge wouldn’t listen, so I’m on the bus with 3 kids. It was hard, I’m not going to lie. 7 years later and I have owned my own car for 5 of those years now. If you have to slowly get what you need (slowly put money away) do it. But never let him know you’re leaving. Just do it when he’s at work quickly, but have a quick get away bag ready in case you have to make a run for it, just in case. If he wasn’t getting so upset with you I would suggest having a conversation with him about the women. You can do anything you put your mind to!

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Do like my sister did. File for section 8 as separated, food stamps and any other assistance you can get without him knowing. It may take some time, but very doable. She found a job, got back on her feet and is happy.

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For your self esteem I would leave him, abuse effects u and children I would get out. Leave while you still can. Abuse has long lasting effects on everyone

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This is the same boat I am in with my husband of 15 years. Theres no love no connection hes a straight prick to me and he can be a jerk to our three girls too. I have no family or friends to run to that live in state. I know with how economy is I wont be able to manage housing and bills on just my income. I’m in mortal depression and I have battling this medical thing that nobody seems to know what it is …
Its scary to think of what to do. We have seperated in the past and he got into a relationship with this crazy bitch who just caused so much drama for me and my oldest daughter. Hes not the type to have common sense when it comes to kids. I just learned he gave our babysitter permission to spank our 3 year old without talking to me about it. So now I have that in my fucking head and I am beyond angry. Who gives someone permission to hurt their own child… wtf
So I dont know girl but I feel for you and I hope you get everything you need to move forward

You should be able to get child support form him. If you apply for welfare, they might help you.

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Sorry but hes not being a good dad to them… How is being verbally abusive to their mother, being disrespectful by entertaining other women and possibly cheating being a good dad?

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Start working and save money. Bar tending would even be a great job. Tip money and ability to work nights but still get a little sleep before the kids are up. Save enough to buy a crappy car that works!! He will have to pay child support too. You can do it. Just start no matter how small the first step is.

Honestly and this sounds crappy… but make sure you are married 10 years or more. From watching my friends go they this… even 9 yrs 5months screws you over really bad. I don’t know every state… but Wisconsin make sure 10 years married or more if you can.
P.s everytime you go anywhere gas station grocery store, take out cash at check out and stash it. This will help.

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I’m am not telling you wat to do but your situation is exactly the same as mine right now and I have left the daddy now and everyday is not easy but it’s not hard you will eventually get over the hurt and grow don’t waste your time with someone who can do that to the kids and you stand your ground and show him he has lost mainly so this for yourself and your kids wen you are ready though as splitting up is never easy ever
Good luck

He can cut you off all he wants but a judge will say otherwise. Lol.
No your parents aren’t ideal but you need to sit and talk to them privately about it all and get a game plan.
Don’t lose yourself allowing this because f the unknown. He’s a good dad but not really. He treats the mother of his kids like shit.

I’ve been in your exact situation…I was home raising my 3 sons for 9 years… scariest thing ever… but he IS NOT being a good father or setting a good example for his kids by abusing their mother… disrespecting her… cheating on her… squandering your family & marital assets on other women… exposing you to disease… I know a man who was a serial cheater and ended up giving his wife aids…file for divorce… he will be forced to pay attorney & court fees… attorney will file an emergency injunction & judge will immediately award House to you & kids & hv him removed from the home… you will be awarded child support & alimony…FIRST thing to do is gather all proof he’s cheating… phone records… bank records…credit card records etc… for every dollar of “squandered marital assets” you can prove he owes you a dollar… my only regret is that I didn’t leave sooner and put my kids through so much nonsense…

You need to get financially independent, fast. And secret. Get a job, save your money for a decent car and apartment. Get your feet under you. Then dump him like trash. And stay financially independent even if you find someone else.
Also, child support. Make sure you file for that.

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If you stay start saving his money little by little make your own account and put money in there for when u can save up for a better life for you and kids

Come up with a plan that doesn’t rely so heavily on your parents. Leaving doesn’t have to be a tomorrow thing. Get a job, save your money build some credit and within a year you can be out on your own & remember that leaving doesn’t remove them from his life, you will still (most likely) have to share custody, so build a case! Diary’s (dates) & medical records can be used in court. Talk to your children’s pediatrician and ask them to document and help come up with a plan! Also weigh if it’s better to be around and help shield some of the verbal abuse, but remember that if you stay that is what will become their normal… think future spouses. If your mama or daddy always talked to you a certain way you won’t see the red flags :triangular_flag_on_post:! Google the effects of verbal abuse on children, it literally re-wires their brain and can cause PTSD. I’m sorry you’re in this predicament, I wish you the best!

Verbal abuse is only the starting point get out and get your kids out,otherwise you are teaching your daughters it’s ok to be disrespected by a man and your teaching your sons this is how you treat women, go to your parents if you have to at first find a job and prove you dont need him

You go and seek out help in your community. Government assistance etc.
It isnt easy and it doesnt feel great but you do what you have to do .
Start saving and planning now. Try getting a part time job now if possible while you still have daycare options etc.

You would probably qualify for scholarships. It will take time, but a certificate or a degree would open your options for earning better wages. Online classes would help to avoid childcare. Then you would be ready to leave and support your children independently. Your self esteem will soar through the roof. I had 3 children and he refused to pay child support. I had an advantage. As much as my parents hated me getting an education (so did my ex), I got a nursing license before I had kids. I fought tooth and nail and wasn’t on anyone’s friend list, but I stayed focused on what needed to be done. I went back to college when my kids were teens and got two more degrees. I was 2-1/2 months shy of obtaining my masters degree when I became too I’ll to finish.

I was abused, raped and molested growing up. I pretty much knew tough times. The point in sharing this is to tell you it can be done. Don’t worry about the obstacles in front of you. If you do, your vision will be that much harder to reach. For help with various issues concerning your children, call the social services in your area. They can give you a list of phone numbers to help.

It may seem frightening at first, but with each hurdle you encounter there is an accomplishment or a lesson. Embrace your journey. You will be surprised that at end of the tunnel there won’t be a gorilla standing there with a flahlight!

“good dads” don’t keep secrets and destroy their families
He is a bad dad and a bad role model

sounds like you may have lost your self worth along the way you are braver, more capable and much stronger than you are giving yourself credit for making a realistic plan go to organizations that can help you and be kind to yourself you really do need to be your own biggest fan

Pretend like you’ve forgiven him and start slowly putting money aside so he doesn’t notice. Maybe say you’re interested in a part time job the opposite shift as him and save that money as well. If you’re not ready to leave, don’t. Make a clear plan and follow through so you and the kids have an easy transition once it’s time to go. That’s what I’d do :woman_shrugging:t4:

Start searching now for good safe child care, ask friends with small children! Pick a neighborhood church with plenty of children and start attending, make friends who can help you find some answers to your needs( day care, housing), if your SO doesn’t throw a fit start baby sitting 3-4 kids as seems like there is always a need for sitters, even for a few hours… look around ask questions… good things will start popping! These ladies have given you many great ideas on how to succeed, your only obstacle is you! Good luck and think positive!

You deserve much better. Doesn’t matter how he treats them. They witness the way he treats you! As someone who had to start over myself, I can attest that it’s not easy but it certainly was the best decision! Do what it takes, including a shelter, to get out. Keep the proof of his messages and take his ass to court for healthy child support. You will forever thank yourself!

Well depending on what state you live in you would be entitled to alimony and not to mention if you had to file for a divorce and get a lawyer being that you don’t work he would end up having to pay for it. You are going to have to do some investigating of your own. My brother and ex were married for 10 years and had 4 kids, she never worked and wanted a divorce, he ended up paying alimony for 6 years plus he had to pay her child support she was able to get about $3500 a month from him and they settled out of court and only paid one lawyer as a result but yeah he had to pay for everything

Find a job, your money, buy a car than get out

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Him I was in the same situation can you go home to your moms that what I did

Never let anyone disrespect you especially in front of your kids. Seeing as this is a new issue, you may be able to set him straight.
I.) He is showing his daughters what kind of behaviour she should except from her boyfriends and husband.
2.) He is showing his sons how to treat females.
3.) Would he find this type of behaviour acceptable if it was someone treating his mother, sister or daughter this way?
He needs to figure out what his problem is. Maybe counseling.
Does your state recognise colon law marriage? If it does my friend you hold all the cards. If not get you better start preparing. Sell all the stuff you don’t need. Make copies of all bank statements and paycheck stubs and receipts for all expenses. Medical, food, gas and what ever he spends on himself. This will be handy for obtaining child support Start stashing cash. Maybe start dadysiting and earn some money. You need to get a car. If you are calling it quits, Look into getting a grant. Do not ever get a student lone, ever, for any reason. You will get a check every semester. Be commited to school, this is how you can make a life for your kids.

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Get a job and save money until you can move out with your children. Then apply for child support to supplement your income.

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You are a woman!. Get a job!. Co parent!. While you are working but the kids in school and day care. All are of age to go. You need to figure out how to take care of yourself and be independent!!. Stop blaming havingnkids on why you cannot do something. Single parents do it all the time with bo help from family or the other parent!. It seem like you know what you wana do but want to settle becYse you dont wana struggle!. Life is not smooth sailing. How are you going to learn without failing? The abuse will teach yiur kids that its ijay fir that to happen. And they wilk grow up thinking that. Start over for yourself and your kids.

look into low income housing, hud housing, or section 8. i would also talk to ur local dhs (department of human services) to see what they advice to help u get on ur feet. some states have grants or other things that can help u get a car, housing, or other necessities especially as a single parent…calling 211 or 211.org is another good thing to do that will help u get the assistance u need or whats available in ur area

leave for 2 week with the kids and see how much action he gets on the side then

Depending on what state you are in, look into custody laws. Secondly, if you can fake it for awhile longer I would start selling as much as you can. And decluttering big time. Cut spending and start hiding a few bucka. For the extra cash to stash but if you do decide to leave you’ll have less stuff to take with you. If also get a small safe (keep at parents house) and make copies or take the original paperwork (birth certificates, tax returns, bank statements, ect). I wouldn’t be so quick down on a shelter. They can be a very valuable resource for help (as long as it’s a good shelter). I would be more concerned about not having a vehicle. Not having transportation with kids would be very hard and extra time consuming but possible. Best of luck to you whatever way you decide

I would start stashing any money you can get till you have enough to leave him and get set up also go ahead and file for food stamp. Housing somewhere for you and the kids and start looking for a job. I don’t know what state your in but in my state if you get food stamps they have a program that helps pay for child care for working single mothers. You can do it!! Dont put up with a abusive man life is to short

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Not to be rude but my mom did all that with 5 kids and sometimes more bc she had thr tendency to take our friends in when they struggled. You will find a way. But dont find more excuses cuz theres a MILLION

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if you think just because he is not verbally or physically abusive to the kids that makes him a good dad??? NO. By allowing him to verbally abuse you, he is in turn teaching the children that is how a SO should be treated. that is wrong and actually a form of abuse. You really need to talk to a lawyer. just because he is the provider does not mean that money is all his. it really doesn’t work that way

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For starters, you will not receive any kind of welfare whatsoever if you are still living with him. The state will take his income into consideration. You should allow your parents to temporarily help you. you can apply for assistance for you and the kids only. And, your parents can write up a lease for what you’re able to pay. When all that kicks in, everything goes on the sliding scale, daycare, rental assistance.

You need to leave. Do what you can and start stashing money. I sold anything and everything I could to get money and I also took money from our joint account bc he never checked it. Once I had child support established and $1,700 to move I was out. I was done with it. I had gotten a job when my daughter was like six months and qualified for daycare assistance. He left me while I was 6 months pregnant with our daughter and played games with me for 5 years. The final straw was when he left me for his friends wife. This is a 12 relationship I’m talking about so nothing about it was easy but my kids and I Are Happier.

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Kick his a** to the curb now …don’t waste another second of your life or your kid’s to crap like this

Start saving money he gives you stash it away… learn an online job if you can like transcribing/medical coding/ or some call centers allow u to work from home also … but plan to leave or have a VERY VERY serious sit down and tell him you know every thing and u want to know how u two can work on it… 11 years isnt something to throw away if its something u and him can work on

Go file for sole custody of the kids and sue for child support. Save what you can first and get a temporary place until the child support is awarded. You may even be able to make him provide a car for transporting them to and from appointments etc.

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Why are you even asking? You already know if your asking or have formed some kind of opinion already.

Kaly Rivera you give better advice than me what do you think

Get a job now and start saving money.
Plan on leaving soon. Don’t put up with no mans shit.
You can file for child support once you do plan to leave, that’ll help with the cost of stuff.

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Get a job and get a plan in place. Start stashing away money. Skim off the money he gives you for groceries and stuff and start to stockpile. A job will also give you more confidence. You can do it by yourself. He would have to pay child support.

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Girl. Do it the smart way. Act like you know nothing. Start putting money away. Get a job. And start going out with your friends. You can bid time while still gaining strength. I’m sorry your going through this.

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