For well over a year and a half, I've fallen out of love with my partner of 5 years, 2 children together as well. I have tried working with him, being honest about my feelings, as I felt he didn't make me a priority. Well the beginning of this year, I did something I despise, something I said I would never do. I cheated on him. He is a wonderful man, with many wonderful qualities. But lacks in the communication dept, attention, basically I'm on the back burner. Our sexual interactions are also very limited as well. I even went as far, before I cheated, to telling him I had fantasies of being with another man..no one in specific, just craving that love and attention. He tends to put his hobby first and foremost. He gets so into it, I barely exist, so the attraction has also been lost. I cannot seem to get it back. I was honest about the cheating, it didn't last long, but guilt eats me alive. I also believe he didn't necessarily deserve it and it wasn't fair to him. He's a beautiful soul in so many other ways, he's so good to me and our kids. He's just not the best partner when it comes to feeling, sex, all the things I long for. We decided to stay together and work it out, have done some counseling. Tried to communicate better. I'm back on medication, controlling myself and impulses too. We have a relationship with God also. But I just cannot seem to get into him anymore. We used to be so in love at the beginning, and it's like we're just two people living in the same house. No love connection whatsoever. He tells me he loves me and I'm the only one for him, I believe him too. I also developed feelings for the man I had an affair with, but we are no longer in contact. I tried to make amends and say my peace with this man and he wanted nothing to do with me. So I just gave up there, but I think about him often. I'm confused as to what my feelings transpired into with him, but I really think I fell in love with him. Essentially I think this man just used me, he was an 'ex.' I think we were both in the same lonely boat and he told me things I wanted to hear, that sounded all very good in the moment. He even went as far as telling me he still loved me and wanted a baby with me. We even talked about possibly leaving our significant others, but obviously that didn't happen. I think it was all pipe dreaming. I went in with the intentions of honestly helping this guy and it turned into so much more, so quickly, but didn't last very long. As I said before the guilt ate me alive. I know I should have just left rather than to have an affair, but there was so much at stake, I know..still not a good enough excuse. So I try to shut out these feelings I still have, because it makes me feel like a fool and desperate. This guy was obviously a loser from the get go, but I let him con me and felt sorry for him. I let him in and that's the biggest mistake I could have made, being emotionally invested. As he claimed his wife was horrible to him and he was just seeking friendly conversation. Friends. It ended with me calling him out in disbelief, we had an argument. After a month or so of throwing his wife under the bus, he all of the sudden praised her. She'd apparently made the commitment to be a better woman. So he told me I was being immature and I was just mad because he didn't want to be with me. Keep in mind this is the same person that while we made love, told me he loved me and wanted to get me pregnant, but I refused. My partner knew we were friends and didn't seem to mind, even knowing he was an ex, because he trust me. It was all honestly a very messed up situation altogether. I love my partner, but I'm not in love with him. Those feelings I once had, feel gone and I don't know how to get them back. I'm still not over that other sorry sap, but I'm forcing myself to avoid him at all cost. I just feel like closure would have done me so much good, but he's ignored the few occasions I reached out. So like I said, I gave up. I'm trying to make it work with my partner, but it just feels like he's comfortable, even after the affair and will never change. Which I've just about given up there too. We've built a beautiful life together, but he just feels like a roommate at this point and has for quite some time. Please help!!
Honestly babe that guy that you cheated with was just a loser and he will end up badly. I don’t know what to say about your current relationship. It is hard to be with someone who is absent. It makes you constantly wonder if you’re good enough, why does he not love you, is there something wrong with you etc. My opinion is that if you continue with him it will destroy you because he is not being open about himself. All these years he was not open about how he really is. I think he has the best intentions but he finds it hard to show them. Whereas the other guy was just using you and he got enthusiastic but then he irresponsibly left you. Absolutely nothing to like about him. Imagine if he got u pregnant. I doubt this would have made a difference. He wouldn’t have let you keep the baby. You were so clever not to say yes. Well done chin up!
You have a partner of 5 years who you’re comfortable with, have had babies with, treats you well, is forgiving, and LOVES you. (He wouldn’t be willing to work it out if he didn’t truly love you.) He’s gone to therapy with you. He’s trying to learn communication skills with you.
Then you have a man, who manipulated you into having sex. In the heat of the moment told you things he clearly didn’t mean (guys tend to do that while they’re having sex, because let’s be real, this guy sounds manipulative, and really wants more sex. He’s going to say anything you want to hear in order to get it) If he really meant he loved you, and wanted you as his life partner, he would leave his wife. Guys do what they want. He wants his wife. He doesn’t want you.
You are confusing lust for love. Your husband loves you. The other man, lusted after you. Your husband is the one putting effort in to your relationship. You at least owe it to him to contribute the same effort.