My husband and I have been together for about 12 years and married for 8. We’ve never really had many arguments, but when we do, it’s usually the same topic which is his father. Bit of a background on him… He didn’t show up to our wedding and never gave us a reason why; he makes inappropriate/rude comments about me indirectly but knows I’m there; he grills my husband every time they speak about what he’s doing in his life etc. like he’s not good enough and he’s made no effort to contact or even try to get to know our son. We have a one-year-old, and due to covid, etc., we hadn’t made our trip down south (as we are usually expected to be the ones to travel); however, when borders opened, MIL and my family came to meet our son. Anywho, my concern is his lack of interest in knowing his only grandson or actually even making an effort with my husband. He is the only grandfather my child has as my dad passed away. However, he has made comments to others that we should be the ones to go to him and why he should bother coming here. He is retired, and my husband works 5-6 days a week in a job that at times he can’t be further than 30 mins away from the site, so traveling as a family is hard to do so. We are planning a trip home, and I don’t feel like my son, or I need that kind of negativity around us. If someone wants to be in his life, they will make an effort; he is the sweetest boy, I don’t believe we should force anyone to, and in this case, it happens to be the husband’s dad. I think my husband still holds on to that relationship because that’s what he is used to, or well, that’s the behavior he has grown up with, so he doesn’t really know much different. I suppose I am just looking for advice on what to do as I don’t want to see him, nor do I expect my child to have someone like that in his life? Or if anyone is in the same boat? Or how to approach this conversation with my husband? Or really what to do at all… Thank you so much
I don’t chase after people anymore. If people don’t want a relationship with my kids, it is their loss. Your husband will probably always keep trying though
Your child will know who put an effort in to know them as they get older. It’s completely okay to not get along with someone. Don’t force relationships. Unfortunately, your husband will always try to win that affection and constantly search for approval. It’s a heartbreaking thing. Just be there for your husband.
Personally I would cut ties. A street goes both ways. You do your part to see him with your busy schedule. He needs to make the same ends meet too. Family members can be toxic people too; sad and true to say… But I personally dont tolerate toxic people and wouldn’t make the same efforts anymore if at all by cutting ties entirely. Your son has other family members that love and adore him.
Let your husband visit.
I would say make the trip then after that see if it’s the same energy, if it is then cut ties. That way there’s no saying you didn’t make the effort.
Let your husband deal with his father as he will but you don’t have to subject yourself or your child to it. But don’t argue with him about how his dad treats him. He’s aware of how you feel. He’s a big boy. Maybe once FIL meets his grandson, he’ll make more of an effort. However, you shouldn’t be the ones to always make the first move. Y’all gotta find a way to meet in the middle, if need be. He’s an elder gentleman, set in his ways. Compromise. 
As far as you, maybe just ask him what his deal is with you but leave the issues you have about him and your husband out of it. Talk about you only. Do it rationally and gently, no attitude neccessary. Be like “look, i don’t know what I did for you to be so disrespectful towards me, but i want you to know you are still family and i would like to try and fix whatever you think i may or may not have done.” Go from there.
I would make the trip if possible as a family for your husband. If the trip is everything you assume afterwords discuss why your not chasing after your fil to be in your son’s life and give the examples. Best of luck in what ever you choice to do. It’s a difficult choice you have ahead of yourself.
Hi, your family is you and your husband an son not anyone else. So if he doesn’t want to be a member of the team then please stop stressing about him… Talk to your husband, calm and making no how u feeling… If he loves you then he will understand… And be there for you…
It’s not my job for you to know my kids, it’s your job to make sure they know who you are. That is the motto I’m sticking to from now on!
As someone whom has a FIL just like stated by OP, cut ties. You’ll be so happy when you do. I got the snarky sneaky snide comments too until I told my husband what to watch out for as it made me extremely uncomfortable at times(racist remarks). Sure enough my husband started noticing how I was being treated in a “mild joking way”. The last straw was when my MIL decided to drop a C-name to me on social media. My husband wouldn’t stand for the disrespect so he respectfully said good bye to his dad until his dad and wife can show manners, grow up and talk to people without name calling. It’s hard when children are involved but when you are the only ones making the initiative(again, same situation for us) your kids will be much better off and will know who came around and when. Trust me, I have lived it. It’s hard but it’s not worth the turmoil, negativity or vile behavior.
Uh sounds like you don’t need to do anything. Father in law doesn’t live anywhere near you and has no plans to visit. So just leave it be.
I wouldn’t worry about it right now. If anything he should know that traveling with a small child is hard without dealing with COVID. Let things as they are for now and when the topic comes up I’d just state that and let it be known that he’s welcome to come visit.
I personally think it depends on how old your father in law is. If hes kind of up there you shouldn’t expect him to travel to you. Your husband should take off work and you guys should go visit him. (After COVID) If he dies and you guys don’t go visit him your husband is gonna have resentments.
Thats no your problem they aint making effort to travel up and see him so its tough shit u snooze u lose
Sounds like He’s doing you a favor. I wouldn’t chase him.
I have zero use for my father in law as well
My husband and I have five kids together we had our first at 16
His father is sexist, treat women like objects has zero filter and is a creep!
I have blocked him on all my kids social media and I have zero regrets.
I do tolerate him once’s every few years for my husband, however he feels about the same as I do!
Go luck. You married him not his family
I have a very toxic grandmother that when she showed up to my house with my uncle she didnt even talk to me and had my uncle ask me to bring my child out to her and I informed him that he was sleeping. I was not gonna wake my child up to see someone as disgusting as her. Every relationship is different and I respect that it’s my dads mom but she is not my grandmother in my eyes I refer to her by her name and only call her grand infront of my dad. Some people are just toxic and a waste of time. Do what’s best for you
You know its hard. I read thru a lot of comments.hmmm after some thought I say be nice to his dad. You married his son. You are a part of your husbands family good or bad. The old man won’t live forever. Its respecting your husband not his father. Send pics, maybe write letter to keeps gramps up to speed on grand child. Maybe FIL is bitter due to son being far away and he’s getting up in age? Just a thought. But either way your husband will see your love and devotion. Gramps may just be an asshole. But clearly your husband loves him. You should make effort for your husband. But dont allow the FIL to disrespect you or your child!
Sounds like he’s taking his frustrations/emotions about the situation out on you. A serious talk about how you understand his feelings but that it doesn’t mean you should cater to his dad. He’s trying to hold onto something that’s not there and that can be hard. He doesn’t want to or isn’t able to recognize that it’s a toxic relationship.
How old is he ? Sometime you get to a certain age and you have medical issues that prevent you from traveling. ( As I do). It’s not easy getting old.
I cant stand my FIL. I told my bf I will never stop them from talking but I dont care to b around him. Hes a drunk and a womanizer and thinks everybody was put on this earth solely for his benefit. I dont cater to that bull crap. Then he tried to kiss me drunk. Hell no. Then they got in an argument and he threatens ME when I was 8 months pregnant. I was asleep when the argument blew up wtf. That child is now 2 and hes seen him maybe 4 times. Less than an hour combined. And hes never held him. Old man’s behavior has become so toxic that bf has actually blocked him on his phone. He asked me what I thought before hand and I told him I have no issue cutting him off completely. I’ll miss MIL but I could care less about him. He dug his own grave. Bf decided on his own to cut him off and we been happy ever since. Hes an adult and it had to b up to him. I never told him to cut him off or to give him a chance. I just kept myself out of it. Old man has 6 children. All of which say hes dead. If u ask about him all 6 say the same “my dad dies b4 I was born” 21 soon to b 22 (I’m 26+5) grandkids and NONE of them know him.