I Do Not Want My Child's Father's Fiancé Around My Newborn: Advice?

Motherhood
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QUESTION:

"Hello. I am in a dilemma and do not know how to handle this. So I was hooking up with this guy in March and ended up pregnant exactly a month later. I had two pregnancy losses two years ago back to back, so I honestly thought I couldn’t have kids anymore. I am 10 weeks today. Well, the Father failed to tell me he was still with his ex-fiancé, and he said he had sex with me to get back at her for moving her real child’s Father into her home briefly. He’s telling me she’s going to be around because he took on the role of the Dad of her youngest son. I guess the boy calls him Dad and all. Apparently, they tried to get pregnant, and they couldn’t, and I guess she had a miscarriage in the process at one point in time. The real Father is not there. I am keeping the child regardless of the situation. I do not want my child around her or her children at all. I refuse to be cool with her and allow her to buy anything for my baby, hold my baby; I don’t want any of that. Am I selfish, or is that just me being protective like I should? I had no idea about her at all when we had sex. I just really don’t know what to do. I wanted to go to the extreme of getting a No Contact order because I feel like she’s telling her children they have a sibling on the way since they technically never broke up. This is very embarrassing for me as well, but I got a blessing out of the situation. He says they’re not together anymore because he found out that she was having sex with her real child’s Father and the miscarriage might’ve been from him, and then she blamed it on my child’s Father. Please, ladies, I need advice on how to handle the situation. He said he’s going to be there for me every day and raise the baby with me, but we will not be together, which is fine with me because I do not want that drama."

RELATED: Am I A Terrible Person For Not Liking My Step-Daughter?

TOP ANSWERS (AS SELECTED BY MODERATOR):

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"How is this her fault! He didn't disclose that to you or her. Shes a victim in this. If you want your child to have a father shes going to be around. Deal with it and grow up before you have this child please. The more love and support your child has the better. He lied and used you she didn't."

"It sounds to me like he played dirty and now you are holding your anger against her instead of him. The situation is what it will be. You may have to learn to get along with this women for the sake of your child. If she shows no potential safety risk you will have more sanity in your life choosing to get along."

"He did wrong, yes. But baby deserves to have a relationship with his/her dad. And him cheating, is not on her so I'm not sure what she has did to you. Nothing in your story lays the blame at her feet for you getting pregnant."

"Well it’s not your choice. The child is half yours and half his. During his time, she’ll be around and able to care for the baby. You don’t really get a legal say."

"If she and her children are willing to love your child as their own, GOOD!! Every child benefits from having more people live them. Don't be a selfish bitter baby mama."

"Wow you are being very unreasonable. Be mad at him but she did nothing. Since its his baby as well he can have whoever he wants around the child when he he has access unless there is more to this?"

"Is there a reason you don’t want her around baby? That’s just one extra person to love your kiddo, one extra set of arms to hug. The person you should be mad at is the dad. You’re being petty if I’m being honest."

"It takes a village to raise a child.. the more people that love this baby the more confident and secure it will be in life. Baby needs its father it's siblings."

"Girl, I understand the situation is messed up but why hate her? That's all on him for not telling you. I understand having reservations with your child being around another woman but wouldn't you rather your child be overly loved and have extra parents than cut her dad out because of YOUR feelings."

"It doesn't seem she has done anything wrong so I would say give her a chance. In your post you said you are only 10 weeks pregnant. You have 30 weeks to go. I suggest taking that time to get to know this woman. This will either prove your point or alleviate your worries. You may bond with this woman and if not, you may see she isn't a bad person and may actually be good for your child. At the end of the day, unless she is dangerous, you won't be able to do much about it. My best advice is to try to make this as easy as you can by keeping an open mind. You will also set a wonderful example for your child by doing so. Good luck!!"

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READ ALL ANSWERS BELOW:

2

Do you know this woman personally? Does she have a bad reputation? Does she do drugs?
If any of the above apply I can understand you not wanting the woman around your child. Could it be that you just want to make the fathers life hard?
If you don’t want him or her around I suggest you tell him it’s not his child and cut all ties

3

Selfish is an understatement. You will soon learn the more people you have to love and accept your child the better off you both will be. It seems that you are angry at the wrong person she had no duty to you at all in fact she’s just as much victim as you are. Your baby’s father is at fault for this but since that’s now history and you are in fact bringing a child into the world that is only half yours I recommend to let go of the bitterness and open your eyes to the world of parenting. This world no longer revolves around our wants or needs but the wants and needs of another human who honestly will only be made better by the love and acceptance and guidance of both parents and their families no matter how unconventional or different that may appear to others. It really does “take a village” to raise our children to be loving caring supportive adults. Best of luck!

4

The short answer is this, you cannot tell him who he can or cannot have your child around unless they are a proven hazard to your child. Also, in the eyes of the court if you wanted to restrict who can be around your child (unless they are a proven hazard), those same rules would also apply to you. He could keep you from moving on with another man. I know it’s a difficult situation. But in the end it is important that your child’s father is in it’s life. Do not be one of those women who make it soo difficult that the father gives up trying. Good luck to you in this journey.

5

She is just as much a victim as you are. Try meeting with her and seeing how you two Get along. She is going to be in your child’s life it is better for you if you two get on the same page and then the child will have more people to love them and no battles they feel like they are in the middle of. Take comfort in the fact that she is excited, that is a great sign that your child will be loved!!!

Find a way to find the things in common between you two and try to become friends because it is only about the kids, hers and yours. Grow a little and realize it isn’t a competition, you need a companion and it sounds like she will be that where he might not be.