I’ve been with my husband for 21 years, married for 18 and we have 4 children, ranging in age from 15 to 4. He’s a great provider and father, but lately we’ve been having trouble in our marriage. Basically, I’ve been struggling and I feel emotionally unsupported by him. When I try to talk about my feelings he tells me I’m ungrateful and to just leave if I’m unhappy. For context, I’ve been a SAHM for 15 years, so leaving is not so easy. It’s gotten to the point where I don’t even want to share my feelings, and I feel emotionally disconnected from him. Also, due to things he’s said in anger, I do not want to be intimate with him anymore. I’m trying to hang on because I made a vow and meant it, and for the sake of my family. My question is: Will this get better? Will I ever feel connected to him again? How do I know if it’s time to just move on?
Do you consider his feelings?
Have you read any books on how a male thinks?
There are two sides to every situation.
Maybe it’s time to step out of the box for a little while to get your thoughts together
I get it! My husband is so much like this! If you ever need to talk feel free to message me
I have had issues like this. Finally me and my husband spoke and we are both working on things. I think he finally listened bc I started saying we both have things we need to work on. Also we have started going on dates once a month and a trip once a year just the two of us. It can get better but takes both of you to make it happen
Jimmy on Relationships may have some helpful videos for you.
If you guys don’t work with a professional at this point and both put in the effort to fix it then no it won’t work. I’d two card him. Find a lawyer you like and a couples therapist and let him pick which path he’d like to go.
Counseling first ! Maybe you guys just need rekindling 
Start making a life for yourself get back to the old you and find personal joy.
I can’t tell you what to do in your marriage. But woman to woman. Never lose your ability to provide for yourself. Never put yourself in a position to have to rely on a man to take care of you fully.
Try now to find something you enjoy doing and work towards getting it done for yourself.
Get a job and move on lol (idk how to say it with more empathy) - things are so much better once you move on! Believe it!
Sometimes we get so caught up in running the household,work & being parents that we accidentally drift apart. Try allocating some time each week for you guys to spend time together and do something fun without the kids, to reconnect.
I agree with you that marriage isn’t to be taken lightly, but it’s a two way street, you BOTH need to want to fix it. So suggest marriage counseling, and if he isn’t prepared to do the work to fix it then it might be time to move on unfortunately
If you havent tried already , consistent Couples therapy would be a good option. Try and introduce it to him in a way where you love him so much and just want to try everything you can to get back to feeling inlove and happy with eachother. 
I would tell him it’s time for therapy for you both. If he refuses then you have to leave and will figure out the rest 
your kids deserve to see happy parents
I say get a job away from the house. You will have some away time and also make your own money so you don’t have to rely on anyone.
Therapy, I know he works, but often times men don’t realize how hard it is to be a SAHM! Maybe he could take a few days off and be the SAHD while you leave for 6-8 hours of the day. He may see how draining it can be and hopefully see things from your perspective and vice versa. If he’s not willing to make even the smallest changes or listen, he’s checked out, but giving it one last go to know you really tried will make you know that it’s time to leave if that’s what needs to happen.
Good luck to you! This is tough stuff
Sounds like it’s past time to move on. And staying together for the kids isn’t a very smart; healthy thing to do.
It sounds like it’s been time to move on. It will be a HUGE adjustment, but it can be done. Don’t stay in a marriage you’re unhappy in. Believe me! You have ONE life to live and your children should see you happy!
Try counciling and plan a date night
It can get better, being in a long relationship as this you are going to have ups and downs!
 If you could get a job at least 2-3days a week just to get away, that would help you!
The only thing il ever say … is this is your life … you don’t owe anyone anything no self explanation to make everyone else happy… you have to do what you feel is best for you and your family… marriage is about the two people involved… remember you only get one life and your a long time dead… everyone can have their say … but you listen to you!
The first thing I would do is find daycare and go back to work! Make yourself independent so that you are in a better place to make a decision. You just might find that once you have some independence you can look at this through different lenses! Good luck please don’t waste a lot of time on a man that does not respect you!
maybe the 2 of you could use some special 1 on 1 times, to try to remember why you fell in love in the first place. dates, special place visits that mean something to you 2.
the only other thing I can say about the communication block you seem to be facing with him is either try to learn a new way to say it, or find guidance on ways to say your feelings. something about everyone is you can be saying one thing from your understanding, and he’s hearing from his own understanding… you both seem to have an insecurity lying somewhere in between. find a therapy, or seek out and learn some healthy new ways to say your feelings. how you feel matters, as with him.
You’re both disconnected.
Separate. At this point you’re just teaching your children that it’s okay to treat your partner like a housemate versus a partner. Vow or not.
Been down this road. My husband wasn’t willing to do any therapy or anything. So I waited another 6 months to see - nothing changed. I asked for a divorce, and that was when he realised I was serious, and that’s when he decided to pull himself from a dark place, for him.
But I had begged for him to seek help for some time before he did. I couldn’t let our children keep thinking it was a healthy environment.
It’s all about you isn’t it. Think of him for a while
It can get better if both of you work on changing. Sounds like you’re both in a rut and if everything’s been great so far…don’t give up on him or yourself.
You have to both be able to talk about hurts and resentments Wic he’s shutting you down it won’t unless you ignore it. Try to go to counseling and repair some of these things.
Talk to a marriage counselor. It seems as if you’ve both let the flames go out. Rekindle the fire from the ashes. Remember your wedding day and how much you loved and could wait to start a life with him. Do date nights go away alone. Find ways to bring joy back into this union. Check yourself and be honest is there ways you can change? I hope it work out.
Men are notorious for denying there’s a problem until your walking out the door and even then any changes they make are usually only temporary lip service to get you to stay. My advice get a job and plan your exit strategy.
Never stay together for the kids you will damage your own mental state. You have a few options before walking out. Solo therapy , couples therapy and do things to spice up the relationship
Hes probably feeling the same way and unable to vocalize. I should suggest you start treating him. The way you want to be treated.
You made a vow, keep trying.
You need to be in counseling. If he would agree to couples counseling, fine, but if not you need to be going.
The only thing you can do is marriage counseling. If he refuses to do it, your choice will be to leave to be happy.
the fact you’re even asking, you already know it’s over. having children isn’t a reason to stay/be unhappy and it teaches them the wrong things.
tbh, i don’t see the purpose in trying to make something work that is clearly not working. you cannot fix everything. therapy is t the answer for everything. some relationships shouldn’t be mended either.
I’d say counseling and try date nights. Like 2 a month with no kids. People change. I’m not the same person I was 15 years ago. Try to find some things in common to talk about.
He’s already told her to leave, so he obviously isn’t going to be hurt if she does. I doubt he will agree to counseling. Maybe start looking for your own job, and start a life separate from him.
I suggest a good counselor for yourself first and as a couple.
You’ve approached him about status and he declined to engage, your withholding intimacy not in retribution but grief over loss of civility on his part, what family dynamic are you trying to save? if he feels his paycheck is marriage and parenting then let him do it from afar and protect your children from growing up under dysfunction
It can get better, if you both put in effort for it to. You will never be happy in a one sided relationship. However, maybe try an approach to him to ask how he’s feeling or what his thoughts are. He may just feel like his thoughts don’t matter and that’s why he just said to leave. Try not to be offensive and truly listen. However, be prepared for anything to be said. This could go really well or really bad. Remember you can’t control what he says, only how you react. You might say things like I hear what your saying or help me understand why you feel this way. Maybe if he feels heard, he will in turn let you feel heard. Communication can be hard, especially if the things you want to communicate are hurtful.
Get a job first off. It makes a huge difference for your mental health. He won’t be able to use the fact that he provided for an argument anymore. If you do leave at least you have a job. Counseling could be good for y’all too. Good luck sweetie. Hugs
If he’s telling you to leave, he’s been done. 
It will get better if you both put in the effort. I would highly suggest at a minimum a part time job to get you out of the house doing something and helping out financially (or building funds in case you need to leave). While I understand the feelings are lacking, feelings are fleeting and love is a choice not feelings,but if you make the decision every morning to love even without the feelings it will help. By making that choice and putting in the extra effort to praise/acknowledge the husband for his efforts or even small things it helps rebuilt the emotional connection or at least let you know (after a time) if he is willing to put in effort too. Often times they sense our disconnect, start to feel under appreciated too or overwhelmed when they are sole provider and unfortunately don’t know how to break through. As for the intimacy it takes effort and sometimes for females you just have to allow the intimacy to start and relax into it. Sometimes it takes longer for us females to relax into it and enjoy since we are turned on more by touch and emotions than sight. I know it sounds bad but when you give it a chance it often works and rebuilds that intimate physical connection.
Nope. Get a job asap and leave.
Maybe retain a counselor for yourself, and or the pair of you?
Not to mention spousal support he will run back so fast.
People forget that marriages and relationships take work. From both parties. I would suggest counseling first to see if your marriage can be saved.
If he’s telling you to leave he’s already emotionally disconnected for some reason
Is he a great father or is he also emotionally distant with the kids
My policy is leave the Situation if you’re not happy Anymore with or without Children,move on and make your own Life.Don’t ever let anyone Dictate how you can live your Life I learned that from life experience (l learned the hard way)
Honey if u feel this way at all that’s ur sign to move on!! Life is to short to stay unhappy ! I am married to and feel the same way as u do literally and yet I stay to ! It’s not worth it to be sad and not feel loved just to stay married ! That’s why there is divorce bc some people make mistakes in who they choose ! Make the decision that’s going to make YOU HAPPY
My husband and I were having a lot of marital problems and he refused to listen to me. so one day while he was at work I moved me and my kids to my dad’s and emailed him a letter. He red it and was sooooo angry at first but after a month of us being gone he saw just how difficult he was making our marriage. I told him he needed help before I would even think of coming back. He got help after one month and after 2 months after that we were back home. That was 4 years ago! Our marriage is stronger his relationship with our children are soooooo much stronger. February will be 18 years of marriage and it’s so nice not dreading knowing he would be coming home from work!
If they’re not emotionally connected…he will definitely not go to counciling
Easy for people to say that but the Man just gets to go on business as usual 4 kids that is more than one person can handle. Day alone he is already gone. Get a divorce and hella child support. He had those kids also.
He sounds just as emotionally disconnected.
I know what feeling unheard and belittled does to a person.
“You are over reacting” “I don’t want to hear it” etc… then you hide your emotions and got in trouble for doing that.
Sit, try and talk. See if you can work on things together. Sometimes it will help.
My opinion may differ from many on here. But I feel our situations were (are) similar so I’ll share my 2 cents.
My husband and I had been married for 20 years when he unfortunately died from stage 4 cancer. We had 4 boys. I was also a SAHM. We went through times like yours, times of selfishness, disconnect, and unhappiness on both parts for different reasons. My husband was a good man, good provider, good father and faithful to me, but he was still stubborn and selfish. (as we all can be) In our difficult times he refused to go to counseling, and refused to recognize my feelings. It was hard! I married this man and loved him and didn’t want a divorce, but what was I to do? I found small ways to serve him. I frequently expressed more gratitude to him for the things he did for me/us. I planned things for us to do together to try and reconnect )date nights that were fun). I was
more intimate with him as that seemed to soften his heart and attitude towards me and made him more open. My husband had said things that hurt me, but so had I, to him, so I decided I would forgive him like I would want to be forgiven. I figured People do and say stupid and hurtful things all the time, sometimes because they are hurting or want to hurt us like theyve been hurt. but even still, I chose to forgive my husband and let it go. It wasn’t worth my marriage. Our marriage was work, but working to keep it together was soooooo worth it, and I’m soo glad I did what was needed to stay together.
I’ve now been in The single world for 10 years, and it is AWFUL!!! . I miss my husband like crazy and would do anything to have him back. Don’t move on unless he is abusive to you or your kids. Find small ways to reconnect with him, Serve him and express gratitude to him. He may not react or respond right away, but keep at it, his heart will soften and he will begin to change. Pray for him, for you and for your marriage it will work.
My only thought is to suggest therapy for the both of you. If he isn’t willing, then it may be best to separate. You can only do so much on your end and he has to be willing to try to work on things too. If he’s not willing to put in effort himself, then you likely won’t be able to salvage things. You deserve to be happy. If you decide to leave, you can apply for income based housing, get a job, and sign up for assistance with daycare. There are resources available to help you.
Maybe he’s super stressed at work right now but doesn’t want to appear weak. Fear and self loathing in men often come out as anger because men don’t want to appear “weak.” He may not mean to be nasty to you but you are available and his safe space.
Ask him what’s going on and if you can help him find ways to counter the stress or strategize ways to fix the situation. Let him know you think it’s a strength to show emotion, not a fault and that you won’t think any less of him if he cries or complains. That’s what being a partner is about.
Whether you stay together or not, start the long road to being able to live on your own. Get job skills, work part time from home, get your own bank account, etc. If you have access to a women’s center they will have good ideas & lawyer recommendations.
Also, he may have someone else and being nasty to you to make you want to leave. I hope not, but you can ask him point blank and see how he reacts or overreacts.
Honey never let a man tell you to go, and never force yourself to be intimate with him (that’s rap€)
You have to consider your and your kids happiness and a happy mom makes happy kids
Adrian everhart watch her videos on YouTube i started practicing
All she teaches on my man during a hard hard time and girllllllll I don’t know another woman loved harder stronger or deeper than I feel loved by him now it was a GAME CHANGER!
Withholding sex out of spite is a surefire way to kill a relationship.
He’s emotionally disconnected from you too. So it’s not one sided. I would try individual and marriage counseling. Marriage is a vow and a serious commitment. You dont leave until you’ve tried everything first. So many women throw marriage away like it means nothing these days. (I don’t mean you but that’s what I see constantly on social media)
Connection is not going to return as long as you’re unable to share feelings, or intimacy with your husband. He needs to create a safe space for you to do both. I would suggest counseling if the two of you can’t find common ground to begin healing.
Marriages all have times of struggle even if there is not an obvious cause. It is much easier to get past if the two people are united. As long as there is a disconnect the marriage will struggle.
I wish you all the happiness and hope you can work it out, whatever that looks like.
When we get the disconnected feeling, just not sure if we even like each other, we take a vacation. A time out and away. Good luck… we’ve been married 53 years♡
He kind of already told you to leave if you didn’t like it. But seriously, he needs to smarten up and listen to what you may have to say. Otherwise, you’ll have to move on.
Hang on in there. Go to church. Meet others. God will guide you.
I would say that you both need to communicate with the SOLE intention of understanding where the other is coming from. We as wives sometimes don’t understand what our husbands are going through, especially these days. ON THE SAME NOTE: our husbands don’t always understand how much of a toll it takes on us when they are acting in such a way. Couples therapy would be good BUT also some self help/sitting in your own thoughts and heal as well.
Highly unlikely that it will get better unless it’s what you both want. I would get as prepared as possible for going it alone. Being told to leave if you don’t like it really shows where he’s at. I’m pretty sure that the way that he’s treating you was not part of the vows that he took. You are not and should not be the mat that he wipes his feet on.
For him to just tell you to leave of your unhappy is just cruel. Maybe he is unhappy too, however he made the same vow you did. You both need to have an open and honest conversation about your lives together and rekindle the flame. Remember what brought you to the alter, if possible and start with some date nights.
Go on date nights see if it helps
Therapy and Jesus, and the latter is most important. I’m so sorry you’re going through this. It’s not the way marriage is meant to be.
I was a sahm for 20 yrs. When my youngest started school I immediately got a job working in the cafeteria so my days on/off was the same as my kids.
This made me feel so much better to get out of the house and do something productive and different with my time. Plus, I talk to other adult women on a daily basis at work.
Get out of your house and get a job that has you interacting with other people
Leave the kids with him he will beg you to come back.
Please get couple counseling ,don’t ask people on Facebook, this is your family