I feel like I am disappointing my boyfriend because I do not socialize: Advice?

Hi everyone- I need your advice. I’m not a antisocial person just selectively social. My boyfriend is very sociable and so much fun to be around. Everyone loves him. If we go out as a group with friends, I have a hard time getting in. Some of our friends, I have nothing in common with. I actually feel bored when we go out to places with them. It bothers me a lot but I can’t change who I am. I know my boyfriend isn’t happy the way I am. Every so often he’ll tell me socialize with people. It’s frustrating but it also makes me depressed that I’m not overly sociable. I have a very small circle of friends who I enjoy being around. I am fun when I’m with them and I have a good time. With this group of friends we hang around I’m miserable I don’t even want to go out with them. I can’t wait to leave sometimes. I wish I had a personality like my boyfriend. I feel like I’m disappointing him and making him feel miserable. I don’t know what to do. I can’t change me. Are there any of you that are like me? Or am I just weird? Lol

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Help a mama out and respond anonymously on our forum. I feel like I am disappointing my boyfriend because I do not socialize: Advice?

I’m exactly the same way :tired_face: my bf don’t mind but his friends always say I’m way to quiet

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Not weird at all I’m the same but my husband doesn’t force me or get upset at me because he knows how socially awkward I am and I get social anxiety. I’ve always been this way. Some people are that way and no matter what you try to do. I just feel awkward trying to push myself into social situations so I always come off as weird or awkward so I try not to even bother. If you want to try to change try to hang with those people but doing something you like doing and maybe a more comfortable environment will help you feel more comfortable. Stay strong girl the right people will never make you change remember that :100: :heart: sending you positive vibes :sparkles: :pray::heart:

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So im the opposite. I love being social, I love going places and doing things. I dont mind crowds and what not.
My fiancé is very homebody. He’d rather just work and go home. Even on weekends. We do have 2 kids between us. He does attend their sport games and school events if he’s not working and during the summer we’ve compromised on doing 2 family things (like lake day or mini golfing). That way he can be antisocial and I can still be out doing things. Also, you need to make a life outside of your bf. Just because he loves going out, doesn’t mean you have to! You guys don’t have to do everything together.

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You are who you are. You shouldn’t change that unless you want to. Your boyfriend obviously knew what you were like at the beginning of things. Maybe when you go out with that group, invite some of your friends? I’m the same with big groups, including my own family. Sometimes extroverted people can help introverted people to come out of their shell, but it’s usually a natural thing, not forced.

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It’s normal to not feel comfortable with everybody. There are some people that you just don’t click with. But I suspect in some cases it could be the activity more than the people. If you’re going around people only he had a history with, all they want to do is eat and talk about old times and what’s changed, of course you’ll feel out of place. But if you were going to play cards or go play miniature golf or see a concert or something you can all relate to it might be different. Obviously I’m not there and don’t know the situation, but if I’m right, maybe next time, you can suggest a card game you know how to play and produce a deck of cards out of your purse.

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You’re not alone😞 i am so introvert but willing to discuss plants😊 (huggggggggggggs)

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Who says you can’t change you ? Just try to pick out one person to get to know. And open your mind and your heart and give it a good try. Then if things work out Great, if not you know you have given it a try. I find that I can relate to at least one thing a person has in common with me. Animal love, like certain authors, or TV shows, hobbies. All it takes is one thing to connect with someone. Now I’m not saying you have to become best friends but if you can find someting then stick to that subject. You may find you have other similar interests. You might even start to enjoy going out. I knowit took me a long time to get to know some of my SO friends and now we have a good time. Good luck and I hope you broaden you horizons and find that people can be fun.

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I stay in the house that’s where I’m most comfortable at. Not a people person I be happy as a clam by myself.

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You are just fine. Either your boyfriend accepts are maybe you all aren’t meant to be as a couple. Its your one and only life choose what makes you happy.

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Everyone has a different personality. At least you come along and participate. Do what you are comfortable with!

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I am a very sociable person. I have been married to an introverted selective-social for nearly 20 years. We did have to acknowledge these differences and come to a place where we both compromise. I intentionally spend time in low key settings with him and he does do some socializing with me but we also afford eachother the freedom to do our own thing without holding a grudge or being hurt by our choices. We admire our differences and encourage eachother to enjoy those aspects of ourselves while also honoring our time together. Communication and lack of jealousy is key.

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Lol break up with him it’s just going to get worse and worse

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You don’t have to talk to be a good conversationalist :woman_shrugging: I don’t like talking. I like to listen and I listen to everyone and everything. I hate forcing conversations so, I don’t lol

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OMG… you just described me to a tee!!! My husband is totally always around people and I just stay to myself. We have a lakehouse and when we pull in EVERYONE runs to him!!! I’m just not comfortable being around alot of people and he totally gets it. Whil he’s out boating and sitting by the fire, I’m inside with the dogs. He comes in every hour or so just to kiss me and head back out to be with everybody. We’ve been married for 21 yrs and he tells everyone that we have the perfect marriage…just be yourself and allow him to be hisself and if it’s meant to be u all will be fine. Wishing you good luck and happiness​:relaxed::relaxed:

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It sounds like you need to end thr relationship. It is ok to be different or even opposite of a SO but if they make you feel bad, forcing you into social situations that make you uncomfortable which then results in depression, this all sounds so mentally/emotionally exhausting. He may be a good guy but it sounds like you aren’t compatible and you shouldn’t be forced into situations that make you uncomfortable by anyone.

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Take him with you when you hang out with your friends and he can see you being fun and social in your comfort zone. Try and explain to him that you just don’t mesh well with his type of people. Not everyone is supposed to like the same things. Dosn’t mean you don’t like his friends there just not your people and that’s normal.

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So u describe yourself as selectively social meaning your picky about the ones you socialize with and usually and intentionally keep that circle small. You prefer to only hangout with those in that social circle u have created. This probably isn’t new for you you have probably always socially been this way. So my question is HOW did you end up with a social butterfly? Who isn’t picky and enjoys larger social settings and groups of people? If you love him and u want to keep him. you and him will have to find a compromise that satisfies you both.

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Girl. I’m exactly the same way, fortunately so is my husband! We enjoying just being at home and don’t really socialize often. FIND A MAN THAT APPRECIATES YOUR PERSONALITY!

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Girl in right there with you

Ur. Not weird!!! Some of us just aren’t social people.

As long as you’re not being rude or snobby you don’t have to change anything.

Have you tried inviting your friends out with his groups of people? I find it’s easier for me to socialize with others if I also have some people around that I’m already comfortable with.

I have like 2 friends i am close with n besides talkin on the phone i hardly see them. Im not a people person but i do work w the public so it forces me🤣

a bit different maybe. Try socializing with one of your friends for at least an hour each evening, or pick a day when no one else is around, and meet up with that person for an hour or so. Almost everything in life takes practice

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He has to accept you for who you are. It be like you telling him to be less social. He wouldn’t like that. If it really is a problem for him then maybe this isn’t the relationship for you.

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PrAcTiCe MaKeS pErFeCt… I know, I laughed when i was suggested this information too :rofl:

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You can change if you wanted to

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Invite some of YOUR friends too so you’ll have someone to talk to any NOT be bored.

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Here’s a lesson you need to learn. I try to teach my children. If someone doesn’t accept you for you & wants you to be different then they aren’t someone you should be around. Wether it’s a friend, partner or even family. You’re with the wrong person for you. You’re not the problem. He is for expecting you to be someone you’re not.

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Thats me too. Exactly to the “T” lol. My husband is just like yours. Total social butterfly. However, I’ve learned from so many people that people who talk too much and less listening is super annoying. Because I don’t do a lot of talking, I’ve become the best listener. People like to talk, let them. People love telling stories about their life. Its normal. You don’t have to force a convo, but just be there to listen because most of the time these people who do so much talking don’t have a friend to listen to them. There is a plus side to this. At least you can never annoy your husband because your a good listener. You dont have to change yourself for anyone. You just practice what your good at

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Partners don’t have to do everything together. There’s no reason he can’t go out without you. Absolutely do not try to force yourself to change for a relationship. That never ends well.

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I’m the same way just find someone like you or let your man know how you feel and if he doesnt respect that or think it works then you know what to do

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You are who you are and that’s okay. You don’t need to be different for him because then you wouldn’t be you. The best advice I can give you is that people are who they are and in 5 years from now your boyfriend will still be the same social butterfly he is now and if you aren’t okay with it today, you aren’t going to be okay with it 5 years from now. While it’s true that you don’t always have to do things together; it’s fun to spend time with your partner doing things you both enjoy and if you don’t enjoy being out with him and his friends; then there’s a good chance this relationship will eventually lead to resentment on both your parts. You’ll resent him for making you feel like you have to be someone other than yourself and he’ll end up resenting you from holding him back from having a good time and then you’ll both be miserable. Love somehow will always find the middle ground. It doesn’t hurt to try different approaches. If you know he’s going to go out with the specific group of friends that you don’t like, make plans with your friends and then agree to meet up afterwards and you can share your nights with one another. Just be you and let him be him and if you don’t work out then that’s okay too. You’ll both find someone in your circles that you know you’ll belong with you. Don’t ever change for anyone but yourself.

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My circle is very very small , I’m not anti social but I’m very picky with the people I surround myself with, if the guy Im dating has a lot of friends and is extremely social and friendly and he is a good one I will definitely make an effort to fit in, I know that in a relationship your partner should come first but I do think that friendship is as well , I will never be the one getting between my bf and friends ( unless if they are a bad influence) you do not have to hangout with them all the time but once in a while will not kill you ,I think that probably your mind is already set for having a bad moment around them , you are not there and you already have decided that you will have a bad day .
Try to think different

You aren’t interested enough to learn anything about your BF’s friends to engage them in conversation??? You don’t care quite enough about your BF to meet him at least half way in his desire to socialize?? You cannot think this relationship is going to last, can you? You are rejecting what he enjoys. You are, essentially, asking him to give up his friends because of your “boredom”. Move on before your BF moves on. Your BF is showing signs of his frustration. You are being foolish. Life isn’t all about you. A relationship also is not all about you. It is a commitment and it is a lifetime of compromise.

There are a few selfish, extremely self-interested posts here. This is one of the worst of those posts because it is clear the poster is someone who is not interested in anything besides herself, is not engaged in anything outside herself and chooses to not engage those around her. Boredom here is more than being an introvert, it is a cover for a lack of intelligence, a lack of social skills, a lack of grace, and a lack of good manners.

In the off chance you read this, here are suggestions from MSNBC on questions to ask:

People who are good at small talk ask these 5 questions to be ‘more real and less awkward’: Public speaking expert
Small talk is often dismissed as being pointless and anxiety-producing. People either want to jump right into real conversation, or they want to go home. But some of the most important relationships begin with a casual conversation.
Making memorable small talk hardly requires ground-breaking style or creativity so much as sensitivity and understanding. As a public speaking coach, I always tell people to think about finding common ground. Your goal? Show emotional intelligence. Take a risk, but don’t be threatening.
Here are five questions that people who are good at small talk use to seem more real and less awkward:

  1. “Where are you from?”
    The best conversation starter questions are tailored to fit the moment, and they invite the other person to share in a way that’s neither invasive nor difficult to answer.
    Luckily, people love to talk about their hometowns. If you’re at a wedding in Boston, for example, you might ask, “Did you fly in or are you from around here?” If you’re at a dog show, you might ask, “Are you a long-timer here at Westminster?”
    A variant of this question could also be, “How do you know so-and-so?” (i.e. the person hosting the event). In any case, the point of these questions is simple: “How did you come to be standing in front of me?”
  2. “What was your least favorite job?”
    My friend who claims to hate small talk — but who also happens to be the best small-talker I know — likes to frame questions as though they are part of a poll: “I have a question I always ask people: What was your least favorite job?”
    This lends itself to many follow-up questions. The bad job had to have happened somewhere (“Where?”). And it undoubtedly included horrible duties (“What were they?”) and a hideous boss (“They did what? No one stopped them?”).
    The poll approach can be applied a million different ways. Take travel, for example: “I’m trying to plan my next trip, and I’m taking a poll: If you had a month off, starting tomorrow, where would you go?”
  3. “Are you having a nice time?”
    This question has an endless amount of variants: “Are you having fun?” “Isn’t this great?” “How’s your summer going?” “Are you cold?” “What do you like better, the [X thing in the room] or the [other X thing in the room]?” “I was just thinking about the keynote speaker and what she said about [X]. Did you notice that?”
    All of these are great because they allow for easy connection. With a stranger, you get to reflect on something that’s happening to both of you, and make them more comfortable in the process.
  4. “What do you do?”
    This question gets a bad rap for being a horribly American thing to ask, given our reputation for “workaholism.”
    But if you’re an American speaking to other Americans, then why not go with the flow? In fact, I’ve found that many Americans find it weird if you don’t ask what they do.
    I’ve heard this question phrased more delicately in Spanish: “To what do you dedicate yourself?” Seen in this light, it’s considerate to ask “What do you do?” because it really means “What do you care about most?”
    There’s always room for sincere inquiry about people’s interests. If you’re at an industry event, it’s easy to ask if someone is participating or there to observe.
    Again, if you’re at a dog show, you might ask, “Are you here as a spectator or a professional?”
  5. “Tell me about your family.”
    For many people, family is the most important subject. To inquire about someone else’s family is a show of respect.
    If the person you’re talking to seems to have come to an event with their family, for example, it’s perfectly polite to ask, “Do you have other siblings?” “Are you the oldest or youngest?” “Is that your brother? You look identical.”
    It’s also true, however, that family for many people is an enduring and unhealed source of trauma or stress. As with any topic, if someone looks uncomfortable, back off.
    John Bowe is a speech trainer, award-winning journalist, and author of “I Have Something to Say: Mastering the Art of Public Speaking in an Age of Disconnection.” He has contributed to The New Yorker, The New York Times Magazine, GQ, McSweeney’s, This American Life, and many others. Visit his website here.
    Don’t miss:
    People who are good at small talk always avoid these 7 mistakes, says public speaking expert
    Stop asking ‘how are you?’ Harvard researchers say this is what successful people do when making small talk
    Ditch these 12 words and phrases that make you sound boring, says speech expert—and what to say instead
    Sign up now: Get smarter about your money and career with our weekly newsletter
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I’m looking for somebody like you

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I’m a social butterfly, but my husband loves to stay home.

He can turn on the charm, everyone that hangs out with him absolutely loves how fun he is… but his comfort is being home so I stopped asking him to come to every event I go to.

He can go without you and it shouldn’t make any difference in your relationship.

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The amount of people that just don’t get it blow my mind.
If you don’t enjoy going out, let him go. Tell him to go & have a fun time. I’d still make a point to go out with him every once in a while, because it is important to know his friends. But you don’t need to go out with him all the time. You don’t always have to do everything together.

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Do you guys have kids together? I don’t see why this question is in a mom’s group :face_with_diagonal_mouth: But anyway… If you are not happy it’s time to make decisions you know… before you actually make a family together and find yourselves unfulfilled and unhappy in your relationship because you both have different expectations and needs…

He kinda sounds like a bf that just takes you along and then leaves you alone with a group of people you aren’t comfortable being around with… Like yeah I get he’s social so he makes his rounds with friends but he shouldn’t shame you for being quiet. You don’t need to change. Heck I’m quiet and keep to myself, if someone talks to me sure I’ll hold the conversation no problem. It doesn’t bug me much though cuz I get food, soda or alcohol. lol so I’m happy either way, my partner always left me alone by myself at tables/bar :joy:. So I’d talk to the waiters. He never complained to me though bcuz he knew better. Your bf can be with his friends but he shouldn’t make you feel alone or uncomfortable and blame it on you. Have your friends join you so you won’t be bored.
Hell i went so far as bringing my big ass books with me to hangouts. lmao

No you are not weird or maybe yes but so am I. You’re my kind!!! If h3 loves you he loves that about you💜

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I am literally you to a T lol.

It’s confusing to explain because it doesn’t make sense to a lot of people. I am a sociable person to the extent that I can go to a store and talk to anyone, I’m very friendly and stuff, but I don’t enjoy being around huge groups of people all the time to do social stuff.

I am very introverted. I have a select few people I enjoy doing things with and am very outgoing. But otherwise, I need to recharge my social battery and enjoy just being alone and reading or going on hikes or fishing or whatever.

My ex boyfriend was very social and would take me to parties all the time in my younger 20s. I would go and try my best to act social, but small talk is so draining for me in a party atmosphere, it just killed my energy levels. Plus all the girls in his friend group were really petty and rude to me because I’m very country/ rural and they’re very suburban/ city, so they just ignored me and wouldn’t acknowledge me when I tried to talk lol. So I would go anyways, but it wasn’t fun for me. I would never tell him he couldn’t go, but he would also get mad at me if I would tell him I wasn’t feeling like going out every single weekend.

You can’t change you. I WOULD SAY that you’d be in the wrong if you tried to make him stay home with you just because you don’t want to go. But it doesn’t sound like that’s what you meant.

Honestly there’s nothing wrong with you. That would be like if you got mad at him because he IS social. He has no right to get mad at you just because you’re NOT as social.

He kind of sounds like an ass. How long have you guys been together? If he’s going to actually act like that’s a problem because you’re an introvert, it’ll never work out. BYE BOY.

I’m the exact same way as you.
You do t need to wish to be more like him. He needs to appreciate who you are and not degrad you for being different. You can’t change. Also he expect u to hangout with his crowd of friends… I bet if u had ur circle of friends there u would be more social.

What u need to do is dump him and find yourself a man who is introvert like you.
That what I did. :grin: life a lot better not being forced to socialize

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If you have to force it than it’s not worth it. Be your self.

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I’m the same way. I don’t like being forced into socialising when I don’t want to. I’m the type of person that just loves spending weekends at home by myself. My partner is also a very social butterfly and I wish I could be that person but everyone is different I’m their own way!

Live life have fun everyone’s different your with your man girl if you don’t fake it to you make it

Don’t be with anyone who wants you to be different. You can be with someone and have different interests. Or do different things. You also don’t have to be social. Some people get anxious or they get emotionally and physically exhausted having to engage in social situations. You can work on yourself if you want to change things but don’t do it for anyone else. Stop worrying about what other people think. What do you think? If you don’t like these people have anything in common with them they aren’t your friends. Being around people doesn’t make them your friend. Try counseling and see if that can help you work through these fears and insecurities. You are fine. You just need to get around people that actually care and want the best for you.

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Maybe he isn’t the one for you

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Girl!! I am the same! He gets invited to work functions and i hate it! I am not a social person and i love being alone!

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My gf is anti social and I’m social. When we’re around my friends I include her whether she likes it or not to help her come out of her shell more. Does he not help you find comfort in the uncomfortable?

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Do you know what , you and I are the same. I am like that. I have a select few ppl I hang out with.
I don’t like big crowds . Your boyfriend should not be making you feel bad about who you are.
Take baby steps in getting with the friends he likes to hang out with . Tell him how you feel.
Your not weird.

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I think you should let go of this relationship. You have not asked any question other than is anyone like you or are you weird. No you are not weird and yes there are others like you. You are saying you are bored around his friends and sometimes can’t wait to leave. Your boyfriend is picking up on this and saying to socialize which is leaving you depressed. I am sure it is probably getting depressing for him too and takes away his joy at being out with friends. Since you really don’t want to try to be in a mood to socialize with his friends and it is unfair to ask him to only see your friends (or destroy his enjoyment of the outing), I suggest you do him and yourself a favor and end the relationship. He will undoubtedly find a more suitable girlfriend who he can enjoy with his friends and you actually will have everything you really want with your small circle of friends you are happy with.

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Jeez yall are fast to tell her to dump him just because they both unwind and have fun differently does not mean they should just give it up. He can do things by himself and maybe they have date night where she’s with him but not other people. He’s right though, socializing can be healthy for the brain

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Sounds like your boyfriend is an extrovert and you’re an introvert but there’s something that attracted you to each other they say Opposites attract

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Your ok. I’m weird too. Why waste your time lovely? Nothing wrong with being a homebody, let him go do his own thing? You do yours. Nobody said you guys have to live in each other’s back pockets.

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Hunni
No shame in not hanging out with a lot of people
Reguardles of who they are
My advice
Is keep your circle of friends small
Screw what your bf thinks

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I’m definitely selectively social too. I have only 3 friends that I am like that with. Everyone else is almost invisible to me, because I’m invisible to them too anyway. :sweat_smile: