I feel like I was a last resort to my husband: Advice?

I’ve been with my S.o. for over three years now. Things happened fast, and we have two kids together(3 more from a previous relationship) and five total. I don’t work due to the kids having special needs. Our arguments recently revealed that over a year and a half ago, when I caught him looking deep into another woman’s profile… he said he was planning on leaving me for her. She was an older childless friend with benefits. At the time, we were in a real rough patch. Upon learning this… I’ve suffered the loss of our first child. He showed up to services hungover. he used to go on drinking binges for days and days every week. Sometimes I took my vehicle without permission and brought it back when done binging… or I actually called the cops. He says he chooses me and wants me in his life. He stopped drinking and taking off. He stays home and helps me with the kids. my heart is crushed. The woman had passed on. So after he told me that… I really feel like I’m the last resort. An angry burst the other night. He told me it’d be his 4th time starting over if I make him leave me. Does this sound like love … real love, or just using that energy to not be Alone again? he has already told me he doesn’t believe in marriage. doesn’t give me any sort of affection in any shape or form or on social media. Birthdays and holidays, he said, only belong to the children. What do I do? IDK what to even feel right now but sadness. help me