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QUESTION:
"I have been dating this guy on and off for about 3 years. We have one daughter together and 3 i had previously. He use to cheat consistently and even admitted he used me alot for a place to stay. He tells other woman how pretty they are and such in long paragraphs but has never told me anything like that besides once in the start of our relationship. Well he moved away for about 6 months and had his fun with other woman. Told a girl he was moving back to our state because he was waiting on her and staying with a cousin which was far from true. He was staying with me and was supposed to try our relationship again for our family and because we missed each other alot. Same chick he told he was coming back for is the same one he kept talkin to for weeks before moving. He would ignore her while talking to me and video chatting and vice versa. I found out when he got here that, that is why he would ignore me for a few days as well. Since i told the girl everything she has been blocked by him. I really want this to work between us and he seems to have changed alot and is very happy with us but i just cant get past feeling like 2ns choice since i have been so many times and seems to be as well as this time and the whats ifs like what if i dindt find out about the chick. So im asking do you think he will change? Is it worth the try? Im at a loss and need help please."
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TOP ANSWERS (AS SELECTED BY MODERATOR):
The following top answers have been selected by a moderator from hundreds of responses to the original question.
"BLUNTLY: You were a second choice. You were/are being used! You cannot change a man & he will NOT change. LEAVE."
"Do you own running shoes? If you don’t, better order them now and run, run sis and never look back. You are just convenient to him, and you are too nice. You have your kids to look after, you don’t need the kind of stress that comes from being with this guy. Trust me, after a while you will feel like a heavy burden have been lifted off your shoulders."
"Your kids learn what’s acceptable in relationships by basing it off of their parents. If you don’t want your kids dating someone like him or having him as their role model, then it’s time to let it go. Show your kids that respecting yourself in relationships come first, but respecting your partner is just as important. Also if you are asking others if you should trust him, then the answer is already no. Find yourself a real partner"
"I was once asked “would you want your child to be with someone who treats you the way your partner is treating you?” If the answer is no, there is no reason to keep working on a dead end relationship. The only thing that will come out of a relationship where respect for you and how you are treated is so low would be that your children see that as acceptable and normal in their future relationships. Time to demand the respect you deserve and move on. Also a man saying he blocked her or even seeing it isn’t solid enough. They can unblock at any time. If the other person is not willing to bear it all, allow you full access to the device whenever you need it, and is not actively seeking help from a professional for their behavior, they are probably just going to slip back into old habits because it is what is routine and comfortable for them. You can do better. Best of luck"
"Your own psychology/self esteem is at play here, for you to want someone like that in the first place. Get counselling on self worth/self esteem and codependency maybe? Once you’ve looked at your own inner workings on how you are in relationships you won’t even be attracted to him, or others like him. Resolve the root of your issues so you don’t fall for yet another one later on. All the best"
"You are only fooling yourself. He hasn’t changed, and isn’t going to. He’s playing the game with you now because he doesn’t have another place or woman lined up. He is using you as a hold over place in between women. You need to decide that you are worthy of someone’s complete love and attention. It’s not this guy."
"When someone shows you their true colors, don’t try to repaint them. People dont change drastically overnight, he can say he has, I can say I’m a llama. . . Doesn’t mean it’s true. Look into the cycle of abuse, it’s always nice and romantic in the beginning but it’ll start all over again for as long as you keep letting him come back. He doesn’t respect you and you continuously taking him back just tells him he can have his fun and you’ll get over it."
"Unacceptable behavior. Repeats itself over and over. You don’t deserve to be treated like that and neither do your kids. Breaking it off doesn’t have to mean he can’t try to be there in a co-parenting situation but it would mean he’d be done using you. If it’s still felt that giving him another chance can work, both try individual counseling and also couples counseling. If he’s not willing to go to counseling to work on himself and not willing to go to counseling with you, the person he wants to be in a relationship with, then that would tell me a lot."
"You feel like a second choice because honestly you are. You’ve seen his actions and obviously he doesn’t change. A TRUE apology is a changed behavior! You keep letting him come back and now he knows you’ll be there when he’s got nothing else. Think about your kids here. Would you want them to feel like you do? Especially your daughter. She’s going to learn what she thinks a man should be based on what she sees! You’re better than that and so are you kids!!"
"Your instincts are telling you something that’s why you can’t get past it. Read the book codependency no more and find your worth because its definitely a lot more than what he’s put you through."
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