Can someone please give advise? Sorry for the long post please bare with me… My hubby and I have been together for 13 years, since we were teenagers (not married). We have 5 children together, including twin daughters, 4 of the kids are now in primary school and the youngest going to school next year. I couldn’t imagine life without them. So this is my situation, I am so unhappy with the circumstances I am in. Hubby doesn’t care about going anywhere in life, maybe owning a house one day or leaving something behind for the kids, he does not care about saving money for anything, and I just feel that I want to achieve something in my life and one day leave something behind for my kids, I don’t want to live like this forever… But everytime I try do do something I genuinely want to in my life, he says it’ll never work, I’m overreacting, I’m setting myself up for disappointment etc… Yet he makes no effort at all to to change anything. We both work and can afford much better. Besides that, my hubby is a good man, but it’s all about him. He gets up in the morning 15min before he needs to go to work, goes to work, comes back home, eats, showers and sits on tiktok for 2 hours then go to bed. On weekends he does what he wants and leave the kids with me. While I have to get all the kids ready for school, make lunch, clean the house, sort laundry, wash dishes etc., do shopping, even clean the whole yard, take care of our animals, wash the car, pick up and drop off the kids at school and help them with homework, cooking and much more, all while working an exhausting full-time job (for a boss from home), if I ask him to help with something, he is always “tired”, and I end up doing it myself. I get up at 3:30am in the morning and go to bed well after 11 - 12 at night just to do all these things… I never leave the house except for shopping and getting the kids at school… I’m not happy anymore and he knows I’ve been feeling this way for a long time, but he doesn’t care much. Talking doesn’t help, I’ve been trying for the last 9 years and have given up. All it comes down to is “he’s trying and he doesn’t want to lose me”. I just feel like if I have to do everything alone I might as well be alone… I feel like I’m running around in circles… I’ve been thinking hard about this for a while now but I don’t know if it’s just my overworked hormones talking… I really need a big change in my life and I can afford to move and get a place of my own and I really want to move closer to the sea (pretty far away from where we are) , it has always been my dream and I can do so because of the fact that I work from home and my finances are in order. I have told him I want to move, but obviously he doesn’t agree with my decision, repeating that I’m just thinking about myself, overreacting and want to throw everything away and run away. I’ve basically made up my mind and do really want to go while still being young and working from home is a bonus, The problem lies with the children, what do I do? It’s going to be awfully hard for me to take all the kids with me in a wildly strange place with no one to help me, while I still have to find my feet and settle, but my children are my life and I don’t want to leave them behind to sort things out first, I would lose my mind without them, and it would be cruel to take only the girls (3) with me and leave the boys (2) with their father and arrange visits for time being, I don’t want to separate them …
I felt the same way! I did it all by myself even though I was married, work, the house, the kids the chores all the extra stuff. After years of talking I finally had enough. We’ve been divorced for 7 years and our relationship is better than when we were married. The kids are still very close to their father and now they have a great stepfather and 2 more siblings. It was the best decision. You are not selfish because you want more out of life, your kids will be fine as long as you are. Make the move. Do what you need to do for you and your kids.
It’s the season you’re in. He’s exhausted. You’re exhausted. Resentfulness is building because you’re expecting change when he sounds like he’s in survival mode. Time for some counseling - together and separately. Have you discussed life goals before having all of these children together? Does he want a house and similar things you do? What does he want? Try to compromise, listen, and work together before just taking the children and running away from your responsibilities. But be ready to hear things you might not want to hear- and listen. Accept. Then make your decisions. Actions speak louder than words…
It reads very simply to me. He doesn’t love you. At all.
I think you’ve given him ample opportunity to change. They have to want to change. A good husband supports their wife. You’ve painted a fairly clear picture that your goals and husband’s goals don’t align. If he isn’t opened to marriage counseling, individual counseling. I would be packing up and leaving. Life is too short to be unhappy. He can then parent on his time.
You need to value yourself, you need to love yourself to be happy.
People do not grow and change at the same time nor in the same way. Your children are your children together and this situation actually is not about them. Both of you deserve to grow and change and be fulfilled in your lives. Marriage is not meant to confine people to constraints of how they develop as people.
Stay where you are for now. Ask HIM to leave. Either he will make the change and come with you or he won’t. In the meantime, find the area you want to go. Take the kids for the weekend to visit. School is out now, take a longer vacation there. Get to know the area. Meet people. Play groups. Find a support system there
I think going to the sea is definitely not practical right now or going to be good for the kids. However, at this point leaving him might be best. Just find a place within the same school district as where you are currently and share custody. If you have talked to him about these feelings for years, then nothing is likely to change. Also another piece of advice to keep in mind,generally, whichever parent moves away is responsible to get the kids to the other for visitation (if there is a court order), so be prepared for alot of trips (car, bus, plane whatever it takes) if you do go to the sea.
So take your kids and get a temporary place near the ocean where you want to live. It’s summer time so the worry about school and all should be minimal.
Give your husband and ultimatum.
Say I’m not happy, I need change and this is what I’m doing.
Take a break from him. If he really wants it to work he will step it up.
Just get a summer time rental for you and the kids and after a couple weeks, decide if it’s time to move on and leave.
Don’t make the complete move to the sea. But move closer. By moving you may still be close enough you still have family support and can take all your kids. At this point for him to get the point you will have to show him you mean business and the ball is in his court. And if he doesn’t make the actual effort then it is his loss and it is not your issue anymore.
Men have to want to change themselves. We can beg and plead and ask for change, but it won’t happen. I was in a similar situation and I begged my ex to help, to change, to pick up the slack…. He refused. He would work nights and go to bed at 8 am-8 pm. Get up for work and leave. Everyday. I worked weekends and he was always upset about “babysitting” the kids. 
. I finally left and felt free. They do not know what they have till they leave hun. I cannot comment on coparenting cause he overdosed on drugs a month after I left. But take charge and follow your dreams hun!
Next time he says he’s trying
Literally look at him and say No you are not. If you were we wouldn’t be having this conversation. Again.
A truly Good man helps his wife out. My husband does the Man chores and I do the Woman chores. I’m old fashioned like that. He will also help me out if I ask or if I’m sick.
Leave , take all your babies and figure it out , you do it all yourself you don’t need him , maybe he would enjoy paying child support better.
Course he doesn’t want to lose you. You are his mum, his cleaner, his cook, his kids mother, his gardener, and his bedmate. You also work and bring in money - basically you are his unwilling slave. He won’t change, hes got it far too good ! Don’t leave, change the locks, pack his stuff, kick his lazy backside out. Don’t be a doormat, dont teach your kids that that’s how families work. You say you met as teenagers, well he hasn’t matured past that state yet.And he won’t either, while you enable his behaviour.
Please get some counseling, individual and relationship
What might be best is to find a place close. The kids could stay together and at the same school and split custody with dad. The sea sounds too far away right now.
Do not even separate the kids. You are doing it all so you don’t need him. You will do better because besides your salary you will get child support. You are nothing more than his maid and Secretary. Get a good lawyer and go on with your life. You make his life easy for him to do what he wants and that’s the only reason he doesn’t want to throw it all away.
why not just leave him with the kids once or twice a week when he gets home from work, he will soon realise how much you do around the house for the kids for him ect, and if that doesn’t work, move a short distance away with ALL of your kids…do not know how you can even just think about splitting them up…see how it goes, if he appears to not want to see them on a regular basis then start to think about moving slightly further towards the coast, but all the while talking to your children about the move, kids adapt easily, but always keep up communication with them so they feel involved.
Well I think woman will never be happy even if he tried to help I built 1 hause and had 1 built gat a place next to water she was lonny so sold Avery think move next to kids take her out to dinner one week still fend some things to birch can’t win good luck raising all those kids by urself
I would first ask him to leave, if that’s not an option I would get a home near by for the kids sake. Could you afford taking nice long vacations by the sea or even afford a tiny 2nd home in a beach town or near by one? It doesn’t sound like you’re in an abusive relationship, just a dull dead one. The kids may resent you from taking them away or leaving them behind because you wanted to move far away just because. You could cause term oil in all of your lives. Unfortunately this may end up being all your fault… it’s always on and the woman’s fault sadly 
. Dad’s are always the victim and heroes. Sad but most of the time true. No one ever really see how much mom suffered, did it all and how much though she put into it before leaving.
I wish you the best in your future and I hope it all works out for you.
#girlpower
What ever you decide remember the last bit you wrote about not having your kids would make you lose your mind …while not all dads show there love for there kids everything we do is for our family. And one of the other comments aswell said that they left the husband and they over dosed on drugs . If counselling hasn’t been utilised yet I’d suggest marriage counselling and really get him to listen.
I think having too many kids is burning you out …time to be on birth control
I do not understand why you choose to be un happy when you have everything to change your life and be in control
The time can’t be more perfect, it’s Summer and you do not have the pressure of the school. Rent a place for 1-2 months, go live , explore and enjoy the summer with your kids next to the beach.
You should not be doing everything alone.
and do not give him the permission to hold you back, invest , try to grow professionally, if you fail you try again and again until you make it
You need to figure out how to get situated before even considering leaving your children with a man who clearly isn’t cut out for taking care of them. Especially if you leave you have no idea what affect that will have on your boyfriend and how he will treat them if you left them with him.
He’s only thinking of himself not wanting to do shit around the house. He’s basically another child. If he can’t remember the last time he picked up a broom or washed a dish it’s time to move on. My fiancé and I work full time jobs and have a toddler with several animals. We split house tasks. He cooks I clean kitchen. He does the yard, I take out trash. He gathers laundry and washes everything and I’ll fold it and put it away. It’s not that hard to put in a little effort. Your guy isn’t even trying. Take all your kids with you. You have one life, go live it. You’ve proven you can do it all yourself anyway. What’s the difference?
Well…I hate to break it to you, sweetie, but you are being just as selfish he is. You never once said anything in this whole post about this move benefitting your kids, muchless gave a thought of how it would affect THEM… Probably because it wouldn’t benefit them? Nor would it benefit your husband. The only person it benefits here is you, and even that is iffy, cuz i suspect it’ll.only make you happy temporarily at best. They’d go from a two parent home, to a one parent home. At this point, I understand your logic, and not wanting to enable or just live with your husband’s crap behavior, however, your dream shouldn’t be the priority here. Your children and their wellbeing needs to be the priority, because what you do NOW, determines so much of their future. And also, you may not know it yet, but it’ll also affect your relationship with them in the long run. In this case, I don’t think moving across state lines or halfway across the country is the answer, but rather a recipe for disaster. Your children need and deserve their father in their life. Whatever that looks like, amd however present he chooses to be, you CANNOT just take them away. He has parental rights that don’t just go away because you want to do what you want to do for a change. It wouldn’t be smart on your end, either, to make the assumption that he wouldn’t care. Because in the event that he does and fights you in court, it’ll look realllllly bad you taking your kids away from their father and everything they’ve ever known. It takes WORK and time to build that kind of future youre envisioning, and it not going happen overnight. This also is NOT going to look good to a judge. You are being extremely short sighted here because you can’t see past your own dreams and ambitions. You’re failing to realize that how you handle this is going to SHAPE how and who your kids are and will be. You are about to do something that could potentially traumatize them to their core, while acting like it’s not big deal. But it IS. And it is incredibly important that you do this right if this is what you want to do. You are about to upend your entire family. And for what?.. because you’re unhappy. Who said you’re ever always going to happy? We live in a society that always tells us to put ourselves first. That our happiness is the only happiness that matters. That is toxic way of thinking if you are a parent. To have well adjusted kids, you need to teach them how to deal with everything life brings, one of which is not always being happy. And that it’s OK to be unhappy. My question is, what steps have you taken to fix your marriage? How many times have you had a heart to heart with your husband about this. Or was it a conversation in which you’re complaining and nagging about what you don’t like in endless litany? I can tell you from experience the latter way NEVER works. There are no other options on the table here? Or there are no other EASY options on the table here? If you do this…out of the blue… I hope you’re prepared for your kids to hate you and blame you in the long run. I think the better option would be to slow down this timeline to try to get your husband to realize how selfish he is. Maybe that’s marriage counseling. Maybe that’s sitting down and having a heart to heart. Maybe that’s moving out and taking the kids with you, and giving them grace and time to adjust to mom and dad just not being together anymore. Then make more permanent decisions after that. If you pick up and move to the sea, you will literally traumatize them, and have nothing but behavior issues for years to come. Think this through, and not just from your point of view.