I feel like my kids are suffering because I am not close with my husbands family: Advice?

This is a bit of a long story so if you stick all the way through to the end, thank you so much… it means a lot. My husband and I have been together for seven years and married for five. Since 3day one, I had always felt like the odd girl out when it came to my husband’s brothers and their wives. The 4 of them are like best friends, and I always have kind of felt like the outsider even though we’re all close in age and don’t really have any major differences. It got to the point where after my last child I was suffering from postpartum anxiety so bad that I realize that part of the contributing factor to it was the fact that they were not making me feel like a part of the family. I had personally addressed this with them and was made to feel like things were fixed. They have since gone back to the way they were before. Being super immature and cliquey… My guilt with this is that my kids and their cousins get along GREAT. They miss each other and want to spend time together. I want that for them! I have amazing memories of growing up and spending summers with my cousins. I want nothing more than that for my own children. I don’t want to take away from my kids, but I truly feel like these women are unhealthy and judgemental to my kids AND me. Any parties over the last three years they have all had reasons not to come.


Help a mama out and respond anonymously on our forum. I feel like my kids are suffering because I am not close with my husbands family: Advice?

Maybe try to have the cousins over for like a sleepover…camp in the backyard do things without involving the moms? I’m a firm believer in not being around people who bring me stress and make me feel uncomfortable. I have social anxiety, so I only go around those I feel comfortable with. So yes my kids miss out on some interactions with people I don’t feel comfortable with but it is what it is.


Sometimes you just have to do what is best for you and your children. Don’t feel guilty for it! If they don’t treat you or your kids right then you are doing the right thing. Maybe try inviting the cousins over for stuff but without the moms. That way the kids can still play together.


Let your husband take them to events that involve the family.


Don’t sic judgmental
People on your kids. Just Bc people are related does not mean you have to be close. They just aren’t that in to you or your children. It’s sucks but you can’t change them.


Help a mama out and respond anonymously on our forum. I feel like my kids are suffering because I am not close with my husbands family: Advice?

Help a mama out and respond anonymously on our forum. I feel like my kids are suffering because I am not close with my husbands family: Advice?

While your intentions are great, stop begging people to accept you. Create your own space. Hangout with your family and friends more. I’d continue to invite them with the expectation that they won’t come. You have to be okay with that. They wouldn’t hear from me unless they called me. All phone calls would be short. Find other children for your babies to create memories with.


Well I mean u can’t change the fact that they all get along well. Not everyone has to like u and u don’t have to like them.
Can u maybe just ask to have the kids cousins over? U don’t need to entertain the adults.


Toxic is toxic … if you think they’re truly mistreating you and leaving you out (and that will most likely extend to your children if it already isn’t), you absolutely do not have to give them access to your children. If they’re toxic, it’s your job to keep your children away from them. Only you can make that call … and it’s a tough one to make but 100% necessary when the circumstances call for it. Best of luck mama … my thoughts are with you.


I’ve kinda sorta been going through a slightly similar situation for years with my husband’s family. I’m just…different than them. That’s what I was told.
I had some part in the stupid drama for a while, but I finally just let all the shit go. For me, for the kids, just let it go ffs. It was freeing.
Since the new baby smell has worn off all our kids by now, (they’re all like 6-9 and my sil’s are teens) these women want a sitter sometimes. Boom, your kids get to play. Host the shit yourself. Don’t wait for them. I have the smallest house than any of them, but all their kids love being here and always can’t wait to come back.
I love those kids, they love me, they love each other, and all the kids get the memories.
And in my situation, sometimes bonding over kids is the only common ground we have to grasp. Take it. At least give it another shot. Having peace can be so much better for everyone than having bullshit drama in the air. Good luck.


Keep inviting them and don’t be surprised if they don’t show. If they invite you to their kid’s events go…don’t make the children suffer for what a bunch of supposed adults are doing. Have play dates with the kids if they’re close on age at your house or even invite them.just to go to the park to play for a couple of hours. You don’t have to always have all the family together for cousins to see each other. Sorry, but I have been there, still there, finally only have one SIL that even responds to anything. Actions speak louder than words, but don’t let it come between your husband and you. Don’t put this on your husband either when he can’t control you, he surely cannot control others. If they do you wrong, yes a his should stand up for his wife…that being said, that does put him in the middle of his family and you. My husband and I have had discussions & even arguements about this, if they disrespect you then yes he in his way needs to let them know it is unacceptable. But if they just have their click and you’re not in it, you’re above that, and support your husband as his family may treat him just like they treat you. Like a couple other on here I wonder what your husband’s take is in this. You don’t have to take abuse by no means, but if they don’t like you you’re better off without them.

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If your kids feel mistreated they can tell you and you take it from there. Maybe you are just reading into too much? Have your kids ever said they were being mean? Do the kids not feel safe or comfortable? If it’s just you then I say chill. We can’t control everything. Maybe your attitude and reception of them is so off they dont want to be around you? Maybe they are all dicks!! Maybe they only tolerate you for the sake of their brother? That’s a cookie for them and shouldn’t stop them from having a relationship with their nieces and nephews.


Host. Invite them to drop their kids off. Let the kids be together with the adults.


I’d still let my kids be around their cousins if they get along great and are treated well by the adults. I don’t have to be someone’s favorite or even super close to people to be cordial… especially if my kids have the benefit of me being cordial Bc they get to be with their family. You could even have the cousins come to your house. Everything don’t have to be at the in-laws house.


Make new friends that have kids and forget the family (their loss) when their cousins get older they will reach out on their own.


Not to make you feel bad, but did you somewhat make yourself the outcast? In the dating phases did you talk to them and get to know them or were you stand offish? At their kids birthdays are you coming in offering to help and talking to them?

I am really bad about making friends. I am an introvert and just prefer to be with only my few close friends. For example on my daughter’s dance team the first year I felt like everyone hated me but then realized I’d unintentionally created this divide.

I’d look at your behavior and see if there is anyway you can fix it to be more friendly. Maybe have a family cook out and go out of your way to get to know them.

And I could be wrong but from my experience I thought this could help.

My boys were alot younger than the other cousins and were always treated differently by everyone except their grandparents. Even his daughter from a previous marriage was always included where my kids weren’t. My kids were too young to notice that gifts for their grandparents included everyone name ( including their sister) but not theirs. I realized the wives were as two faced as they come very early on. Always talking behind each others back but very smug when together. That’s not me I never wanted any part of it. It was very rare for me to be in attendance for family functions. My mental health was way better off without them.


Keep the kids bond strong. Soon your attention to the kids will matter more to you. Maybe they will see maybe not. Love being different lady. The kids will grow and always know your there :heart:


Why do you care ? it will only kill your happiness. And technically they aren’t even part of your or ur husband “Family” (Husband,wife and children) since yall got yall own families already. I used to be an over thinker but now i got no time for bs. busy doing my best to be a mom and wife! Ignored it! As long as u and ur husband love each other and already build a family together, everyone else are considered “OUTSIDER”
Yes u maybe an outsider to their families but they re also outsider to ur family as well lol
fair fair


Just curious what your husband says about it? From reading this little blurb it almost seems like you are making yourself the outsider …maybe because you don’t relate to them. Personally, I’d suck it up and ignore the noise for your husband and the kids. I’d put on a great big smile around them and drink ALOT of wine to get through it. If they don’t show to your parties? Mention it to your husband…maybe give them a call well in advance before the next party and tell them you really hope they make it because they have missed the last few. I am not dismissing your discomfort…but sometimes it’s necessary to put our discomforts aside for the well being of our kids (and husband since you said they are like best friends).

Just drink lots of wine and don’t take anything personally unless they are being flat out aholes (which doesn’t sound like the case). I know this is easier said than done.


Some families are asses

I see way too many comments on here giving the other side too much power …

it’s that simple


Why don’t you ask your husband to talk to them?
After all, it’s his family and you’re his wife-he needs to stick up for you…

Honestly, I cannot stand my husbands family. They sound, so FUN!
I either drive somewhere else, or I say it to her face.
I do not like that his mom told me I should have lost the baby…
Or the fact my marriage ”won’t last”.

We’ve cut them completely… Our son is now 2.

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I’m actually wondering what’s your husbands response to this and how is he backing you


As the mother you do what’s best for your kids ,they may not understand til they old enough but they will love you for that. And how does your husband feel about they way they treat y’all?

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Ive been there and it sucks but you cant make them like you or your kids. Just accept it and move on, thats what Ive done.


I have my fiancé family hating me since day 1 n usually in like whatever idc. We don’t have kids together but been together for 5 years and basically like we are married and my youngest was only 1.5 yrs old so he only knows him as his dad. They hit mad that my kids call him dad they said it’s too soon for us to get married they don’t talk to me at gatherings they r bffs with his ex (bm) his mom told them don’t call her grandma because they aren’t her family. He didn’t talk to them for a while but now we ignore it and do us n our kids love each other n go to their gatherings. But I get it out does suck to feel excluded and awkward at events. I’m happy his dad side don’t act like that at all. But my kids get sad cuz they said it sucks they don’t have any family besides us and each other. We came from a giant family to nothing now. Just stick out our and act like it don’t bother you just get in the mix that’s what I do. Let them act like hatrers.

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Help a mama out and respond anonymously on our forum. I feel like my kids are suffering because I am not close with my husbands family: Advice?

I have my husband do all the family interactions I’m not mentally able to handle. If I’m feeling strong I’ll participate, but when I was 9 months pregnant and stressed about finances, cause I’m the working parent, I just was not up to interacting with certain drama fueled people. I’m in no way keeping them from the kids, but I’m not reaching out unless I know I can deal. The kids will tell you of something happens. My almost four year old told me they still make her wear pull ups to bed. She’s been potty trained for almost two years, unless she’s sick she doesn’t need em.

They are and you don’t need that around your children. Toxic Family is TOXIC FAMILY!!! And I feel you!!! I can just feel that anxiety. Unfortunately, their cousins will most likely be a product of their raising (the toxic family members). So, do you really want your kids to be around your in-laws? Why not give em what they want? They obviously have some issues in their lives to put it all out on you and yours. I always say, if you can’t respect me, you don’t get to see my kids

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If you don’t feel comfortable with them then don’t be around them. Your husband can take the kids to spend time with their cousins while you have some alone time and relax. Why would you want to be around toxic people? As long as the kids are well taken care of when they see their cousins then you should just enjoy alone time or go get pretty or go out with friends. You deserve to be happy :smiley:


I have 2 cousins who live in the same country as me and I wouldn’t recognise if they walked right past me as my uncle and his wife never bothered. Yet I have an aunty and 2 cousins that live 2000 miles away who Ide recognise. It’s about effort and if they don’t put any in thats on them. My youngest girl has 7 cousins, 4 aunts/uncles and a grandmother that have never asked to meet her. How she is etc. They don’t bother with my partner unless they have a car issue or need something so they don’t get to just pop in and out of my kids lives whenever they feel like it. From someone who grew up watching my mam try and my uncle rejecting us all. Ide rather of grown up not knowing than feeling that rejection all the time. So I’m making sure my kids don’t grow up that way. Can’t make the effort, it’s weddings and funerals!

I grew up very close to two of my cousins in my mom’s side and none on my dad’s side. It’s strange to have 3 aunts and only know their children’s names.
My own children do not have many cousins that they ever see. Occasionally they see their sister who is 20 years older.
My girls are social butterflies and have many friends. Sometimes friends become better family than family ever could be.

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This might be for the better if that’s truly how the moms are

I agree with Amanda Dean. I would make it clear that you want the KIDS to have a good relationship and play dates. As far as the moms go f em you are just as much part of that family as they are.

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You can’t force a relationship. Maybe they have more in common?

Just know your worth and stay true to you! Encourage cousin time together for your children and be respectful. Teach your children the right way… But don’t let it make you feel bad how they treat you… it’s not you! A lot of the time people act this way when they are insecure and unhappy. Kill them with kindness… If people can’t see who you are and value you, are there really worthy of your love anyway?


If anyone is giving me a bad vibe, I just create some distance and move on. The moms can’t act right, no use trying to make it happen. There’s other people out there who won’t treat you like crap family or not. You don’t need to deal with that. I wouldn’t

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First of all, I am SO sorry you have to experience this. That is awful. I can’t imagine feeling that way. You should always be included for family events and feel happy around these people with your kids. If they’re making you feel anything less than, I would not subject myself to that. You deserve to be happy. Some people are just downright mean. What does your husband say? I would hope he would address that and let them know it’s cruel to leave you out. I do not understand people sometimes. Such a shame!

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You’re gonna have to be the “let me watch your kids” aunt :woman_shrugging:t2:
“Do you mind if I come pick the kids up for “xyz” I’ll drop them back at home at “insert time/day”. No one says no to a free babysitter :woman_shrugging:t2:

I feel this so much! My guys family hates me, and they pretty much deny that I exist when I am around, or otherwise. I have REFUSED to go to any family stuff, because that is not how I want to spend my holidays, or any of my time. Crying, feeling bad about myself, and fighting with my guy because of my misplaced feelings towards his pack of hyenas.
Don’t force yourself where you don’t belong, and don’t let someone treat you like garbage. Life is way too short and we only get one. Goodluck :two_hearts:

Oh I can relate! My husband and his brother started to not get along and I tried so hard to be friends with his brother wife because I wanted to have a close relationship and be great friends. Buttttt it didn’t happen. And I hate it for the kids but I felt judged by them too and I just don’t want that around my kid. I’m divorced from my husband now and still have a good relationship with his mom and 1st ex wife so at least there’s that. It’s not an easy place to be in. I always felt like my in laws liked them more because my husband was the black sheep of the family and his brother was the golden child so I felt like I was the black sheep by proxy lol. All I can say is keep your head up but if they’re not willing to come to your events and functions then you don’t need that! Relationships are a two way street! Hugs!!

Sadly we can’t make people change. Invite the kids over to play with yours. What’s your husband have to say about it? Maybe you’re just reading into things to much and making yourself feel this way. I’d say screw them and hang out with your friends and family more. I’d still go to the gatherings and continue to invite them over too but accept it for what it is. Some people just get along better then others.

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People don’t change, don’t worry about fitting in with people you don’t want in your life, their loss. Create your own fun with your children.

Have your husband bring them. I didn’t get along with my ex’s family. So I started avoiding. I’m not dealing with toxic


You have a very beautiful heart and pure intentions. However things can not be forced they are the way they are. Keep including them out of respect without any expectations.pursue the positive interactions with friends and family that welcome and accept you.sending love and wishing you well❤️

Inlaws can really be a pain. You want things to be rainbows and sunshine but it rarely is. Just go to the events you’re invited to, keep face so the kids can still have eachother. Talk openly to your husband about the events after- use “I statements”!! Don’t place blame, just explain your perspective. If things are still just rude and generally unpleasant, you don’t have to go. Loving people from a distance for awhile can do the heart some good.


Wash your hands of them… don’t invite them anymore…if they have a party, send the kids there with Dad. Maybe he will tell them they are assholes. You get to have yourself a mental health day… relaxing bath…read a book…take a nap… My sisters in law all hated me because of the lies the oldest one (bible thumping, religious, fanatic) told them about me…she had never met me, just knew I existed. I tried to watch my swearing, drinking, smoking, etc… around her, but she just got worse… control freak, insulting and blaming me for ruining the whole families vacation…nieces out of state wedding… because I wouldn’t do as she said. Was going to make our reservations at their motel, send an itinerary of the road trip and everything involving the wedding of the sisters daughter… the 2 other sisters stood up to her and got their own reservation and flew. After several years of this bullshit I said screw you!!! No matter what I do she will never like me. One brother in law said I was the best thing to happen to the family cause the two youngest now stood up to her. Now after 36 years…30 of screw you…the 3 younger sisters all take my side.


Honestly, it sounds toxic if they are judging you and the kids. The fact that your husband isn’t helping address the situation is a bit of a concern as well. Try making other mom friends with kids around the same age. My son loves his cousins as well but the parents of his cousins are toxic and we barely come around.
Hang in there :heart:

This is hard, on one side your feelings matter. On another family matters. His family is obviously important to him. And there close friends. You can’t break that up. Nor can you force someone to like you. you married him but you also married his family. (Not sure if you’ve heard that saying. Normally it’s referred to your mother-in-law)if I was you i would start trying harder to fit in. Specifically because they’re always going to be in his life. I wouldn’t go out of my way to see them or call them though. But when they’re over with your husband I would sit right there with them all. Listening intently. And figuring out exactly what they like. Figuring out exactly what makes them tick. And then I would use all that infirmation to make them agree with me. If I said something and someone disagreed I would then look at the other and quote something similar they said about some similar topic and bam we either have a friendly debate about the difference in circumstances or the one sibling now needs to agree with me :rofl::joy: either way I’m now being included in the conversation. And indirectly slowly being accepted. People need conversations to get use to someone. And fitting into a group that’s already formed is hard. (I switched schools in the middle of the year a lot this is how I made friends quick :sweat_smile:)

Is it possible it’s not quite as bad as you make it out to be. Sounds like you have an emotional wall to them to keep from being hurt. I would jump in be the bigger person and let them know I am not going anywhere (like it or not) you say you want your kids to have these memories as you did, AND they get together great. Just my thought that you may be emotionally protecting yourself and kids from possible hurt

Let your kids bond with their cousins.
Take yourself out of the equation.
My husband and his sister, and myself and his sister, dont even speak… but our children love each other. We take ourselves out of the equation and just let our children love each other, even though WE dont love each other.
OUR issues have nothing to do with the kids.

Are they actually toxic, or are you just jealous? (I dont mean that as an attack. It’s an honest question and you dont have to answer it to anyone but yourself).

Are they hurting your kids… or are YOU hurt and you’re projecting?

Are they good to your kids…and good to everyone else…just not you?

It sounds like (I’m sorry) you are the only one who doesnt fit in. That sucks, but don’t take your kids cousins away because YOU feel left out.

I’m left out too. I don’t fit in at all. Never have. It’s been 15 years now and I’m still the odd duck. :woman_shrugging:
But my husband isnt, and our child isnt. I just step back into the shadows, accept my role, and allow them to bond with their family and make excellent memories.

Just because I cant do that and dont fit in…doesnt mean they have to suffer.

Personally, that’s the way I would prefer it. I don’t like having to be social. But I wouldn’t punish the kids for it. When they kids want to play ask your husband to arrange picking them up for a weekend.

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If you dont want to do something or go somewhere that causes you stress dont do it. It took me years to discover this. My life is a lot less stressful because of it. Yes my children are not in their cousins life but they turned out just like their mother!

Do you really want your children learning that behavior?
I do understand though
So casual call them or text just say
“can we set up a play date for the kids to play?”
If they say sake how their children are doing
Ask about other family members
If they still treat you like that then hon just focus on your kids

But if your really that different it means your husband saw something in you he probably doesn’t want another one of those types of women

My mom was basically in the same situation, we moved a couple states away, and never really got to see our cousins on that side. We are adults now and it’s fine, my sister and I don’t really mind that we arent close with that side. If your kids want to stay in touch as they get older they should, but don’t feel like your obligated to. Chances are if their moms suck, they’re going suck, and you don’t really want your kids around that.

Would inviting the cousins over to play be an option?Just the kids, no adults and no cliquey drama. It doesn’t solve any of the adult issues but it would allow the children to be together and the kids seem to be your priority.

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