I feel like my soon to be husbands stepkids are trying to tear us apart: Advice?

First: set boundaries.
Second: let him discipline them… in a “wait till your father gets home” way.
Third: disrespect is NOT allowed to anybody EVER.

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Talk to him and then include them, putting on FB will not solve it.

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Those girls are old enough already to be dealt with sir there asses down with him there and set that shit straight tell em u don’t have to like me but you will respect me. You dude should respect that and if he don’t then see ya he ain’t the one sis. There kids but if they want to act grown then handle them like adults then. Yea at first there going to be mad af and say dumb shit but wen they do come around they will act right and be done :white_check_mark:

Have an open and HONEST Convo with your man. It’s his place to make you feel comfortable around HIS kids. So if he won’t fix it ,it simply won’t be fixed .

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His Children will ALWAYS COME FIRST, THINK ABOUT THAT BEFORE YOU WANT TO MARRY A MAN/WOMAN WITH CHILDREN!

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You can’t love a man and pick out his kids🤷🏾‍♀️ it’s a package.throw it back n find someone else

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Cut your ties and run. If not you will

regert it. Sorry to tell you this, but he is not over his X or her kids and you will become their door Matt. Let them wash his dirty unawears.

So his ex step children are “touchy feely” with him as teenagers… That’s a huge red flag. Forget that they aren’t his children biologically, teenage girls should not be playing with adult men. Sounds like they have some jealousy issues and perhaps they are doing their moms dirty work of driving a wedge, since she doesn’t want y’all together. Jealousy is a fickle b*tch, but definitely talk to your man.

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Let them have him sis… cut your ties now. It will only bring you a life of misery.

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Yea… I mean it’s very possible they don’t care for yalls relationship but you also seem to have an insecurity :neutral_face:

Children he raised since they were elementary age and you feel they’re too touchy feely? Not all kids show affection in the same way but that is their dad to them :roll_eyes: you’re making it sound real Hi, I’m Chris Hanson-ish and I suspect it’s only because he’s technically their “stepdad”. Thats unfair to him and them for you to decide how affectionate they’re allowed to be with the man that raised them. It’s not that they “see” him as a father figure; He is their father figure :woman_facepalming:t4: because if it were really as inappropriate and problematic as your making it out to be… the kids shouldn’t be your concern, wanting to marry a man that’s into it is.

You don’t have to have a bond with their mother, and you can’t force one with them, if it comes it’ll have to come naturally… but they certainly don’t have to like you. What you do have to do to be in a healthy relationship is accept his role in their life without trying to micromanage or label it. Set boundaries if it comes to the ex overstepping, set boundaries when it comes to the kids vocally disrespecting you (they are old enough to know better) speak to your husband about relevant concerns :no_good_woman:t4: not defensively! so y’all can effectively come up with a way to express y’alls household expectations and the unacceptability of certain behaviors. But they’re teens… it’s a hormonal shitshow and they’re clearly going through huge changes in their life… have some compassion. If you see this as a battle… you vs them; you’re likely to lose. This is just a wave, stop rocking the boat and go with the flow.

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16 and 18yrs old
Old enough for a punch in the head :joy: disrespect me in my home and thats exactly what they would get Lmao :rofl:

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Tell him, your “kids” are hitting on you and other people are starting to notice and think its bloody weird that you allow it and question me about it…

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Explain touchy feely? Are they super affectionate, or???

To be honest, I was in a marriage that split up in large part due to lack of boundaries, stepdaughters that were taught to hate me and disrespect their father from day one, and a father who refused to address any issues.
Trust me when I say it becomes unbearable if you continue into the relationship and have children of your own. It’s virtually impossible to reconcile two different sets of rules for two different families.
My advice to you would be to just let this relationship go. I know that sounds extreme, but that truly is my advice.

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Ok. Exactly what is touchy, feely? Is this one of those where people are sexualizing these children? Why can’t it be a father/daughter bond that has a closeness? I mean, my kids are not my SO biologicals but he would go to the ends of the Earth to make sure they’re taken care of since he’s been around most of their lives. So, touchy, feely can mean a lot of things. May need to elaborate on that :woman_shrugging:

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Don’t marry him…yet. Take a little more time to think it over. Easy to get married. Not so easy to get out of it. If the love is there, it will work out. And DONT complain to him about his kids. That will make him lose his feelings for you. Give it time.

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A few things. First of all shame on anyone saying they aren’t his kids. If someone had said that about me and my dad (step, and divorced from my mom many years now) I’d be devastated. He has been in my life since I was very little and helped raise me. They didn’t work out but he never stopped being my dad.
Second you sound jealous of his kids. Using him? How? Touchy-feely? How? They are his kids.
And lastly, how do you know so much about how his ex feels? How do you know so much about how they were with him before the divorce? Sounds like you were around before the divorce. Were you part of why it happened? If so they will likely never like you. Sorry.

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That happens more then you know esp with girls, it’s something he has to check but if they are belittling you I would put them in check….loudly

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Get out now - it won’t get better

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Being touch freely is an issue. I suggest a family conversation…

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This is why I’ve never got with a man with kids. It’s just not for me. I couldn’t deal with any of it. And you know, you don’t have to either. You can get yourself a man with no kids.

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Inappropriate touching? It seems like maybe you’re feeling insecure and sensitive and that’s okay. Try to remember that those girls are going to be your stepdaughters and if he’s a good catch-- he wouldn’t think twice putting you out if he had to choose. Try to love the bond they clearly have. They will warm to you as you continue to be the woman he fell for. He will love your future together as much as his daughters. Breathe and focus. :purple_heart: You got this.

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They can make your life miserable leave now don’t look back !!

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If these issues are here now they will be there later. Sorry but it’s true. Those kids are his in his mind and theirs.

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“Touchy feely???” You better make sure this is not your jealousy speaking because you can get him in a lot of trouble!!!

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They are old enough. Call them out when they do it and they’ll embarrass themselves

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I’d call them out on it when it’s happening they are old enough that I’m sure that they will get embarrassed by it! And from someone who’s married with step daughters…my husbands 20 year old still won’t except her 11 month old sister because we were unable to attend a graduation party in the middle of the pandemic chaos, I was acouple weeks from delivering her sister and all she cared about is stating point blank that her little sister wasn’t more important then her graduation party even if that meant we all came down with Covid ( so I just eventually learned to ignore the ignorance it’s her lose if she doesn’t want to be respectful and be involved she’s an adult and there’s no reason for any of the childish issues)

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He either gives them the boundary that it’s inappropriate or you leave and call the cops on him about the 16 year old and him allowing inappropriate touching to happen.!

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Welcome to my :earth_americas:.

Buckle up. I had to FLIP and now I’m the bad guy.

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I’m not sorry for saying this but sounds like she’s a whole jealous women that doesn’t like the fact her man wants to be there for HIS kids! Those kids have been in his life for 11 years that’s most of those kids life! He is not their step father or “father figure” that’s their damn father. Get real and see the big picture they will never respect nor build a relationship with her if she can’t accept they’re his kids and that it takes a long time to build a relationship with teenagers with their dads new girlfriend. She needs to get over herself.

RUN LIKE HELL!!! Doesn’t get any better!!!

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If there is inappropriate touching or physical behavior, you should report it… he’s the adult and if he’s allowing it, or he has groomed them… he is a pedophile. Run! If it’s just what would be considered normal if they were biological children, please be careful what you say… you could get him arrested. Please don’t blame the children and rationalize his behavior… teenagers are still children…help them, don’t blame them.

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Macey Nachelle Cole the hell it wouldnt be wrong if they were his bio kids at 16 and 18 years old is WAY to old to be sitting on anyones lap!!

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You don’t have to have a relationship with your partner’s adult/almost adult kids. The joy of adulthood is not having relationships that you don’t want to have. Let them off the hook for that and see if things get better. They probably will.

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It sounds like you are a jealous step mother that isn’t mature enough to be in this relationship because you want to be put before his children his children will and should ALWAYS come first

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Girl, RED FUCKING FLAGS. C’mon. If you are serious about them being touchy feely (woody allen anyone?) and hes ok with that, then that’s a red flag. If they are belittling you and he doesnt correct their behavior, he doesnt respect you…red flag. Have more respect for yourslef

I think they are doing it because they know it upsets you, ignore it and if you wait Long enough they will quit. Of course they want their parents together…that’s normal. The touchy feely thing…he needs to stop them Not you

They probably also know your feelings about how he isn’t their dad and hate you and I don’t blame them one bit! New girl friend needs to leavs

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I’ve been there also with 2 teen girls. It was rough. I know exactly what you’re talking about. It is not easy to deal with at all. We ended up divorcing later on. Yours may be different, I don’t know. Good luck is all I can say.

Do not get into their circle. Do not try to have a relationships with them if they have no desire. If they are older teenagers that will be out of the house in a few years anyway. Distance yourself from his kids and love on your husband. Not your children, not your problem.

I have been a stepmom for 3 years no. Its no joke, just ride through it. Children are temporary, husbands are forever.

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Don’t try. That will come naturally as time goes on and they accept it. Just be there if they ask or need anything from you. Kill them with kindness :heart:

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If you have to do all this explaining to him how bothered you are he clearly doesn’t see anything wrong. That’s enough to let him go on don’t even involve yourself with the drama that’s already there. For one they aren’t his biological kids and they are damn near grown . If I were you I would give him a choice to straighten it out and explain how you want things to be and if he disagree go on with your life. Idc if they were 6& 8 I’m not about to be dealing with drama from kids that are damn near grown know right from wrong and don’t care to recognize who I am . Don’t deal with that mess from a ex family . He have to cut ties or they know their place.

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They’re teenagers and have a teenage mentality, they’re also going through a lot with all these changes. Continue to show their dad love and let them see your healthy relationship with their dad. Try to find common ground with them, show them that you’re here to support them, but at the same time have boundaries if they ever go too far with things.

Have some self-care times and allow yourself to re-energize from all this. Hang in there :heart:

Things takes time, especially with teenagers. Make sure your partner supports you and plays his part in making things clear with his kids and explaining things to his kids. Makes sure he continues to show love for his kids, together with you. They probably just need a lot of love right now.

They’re just teenagers right now with a teenage mentality. Your man should talk to them and let them know that they should respect you! All kids want their parents together but unfortunately things happen and the family is torn apart. As they mature into young adults they will hopefully be accepting of you. It’s a hard place to be but if you love your man, work through it.

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It stops. Don’t take anyone’s crap. Make your voice heard. I am step mother for 14 years now. I went through complete hell and I love him enough to do it all over again. I will never get the recognition I deserve and there’s losses but theirs also so many wins…choose your battles. Dont spend too much time dwelling on the immaturity they feed off of it. Just keep going. Ignore.

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Unless the situation is corrected and he puts boundaries down for these girls who are grown and almost grown then it will never change. He has to be the one to change it. Discuss it with him and see what his next move will be. Regardless of how much you love him it will be worse once you guys are married. The issue should definitely be fixed before you walk down the aisle.

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Just remember they are kids. It will take time. They are more than likely still angry that their parents separated.

They won’t stop unless he puts his foot down. If he won’t do that, do not marry him.

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My ex’s new girlfriend says the same about my girls. Girlfriend did not live thru the hell he caused the family and believes all his lies. Always 2 sides of a story and I am guessing honey dearest isn’t telling full truth.

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Just do not let them. Let them know you are not going any where. That you love their Dad, and want a relationship with them. You want to be a friend, not their Mom, yet an authorative figure, being your age and with their Dad.

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I’ve been in the same situation as you for 19 years. I’ve tried all these years to be in their lives, show them I loved them, and this year both of his kids told my oldest daughter that they don’t even consider me family. WTF! With the way I’ve been with them and I’ve been married to their father for over 19 years. They’ve stayed with us for weeks, I’ve always been the one to bring peace in this blended family, we’ve been to vacations, get togethers, I even treated his grandkids like my own for them to reject me and mistreat me this way. I’m done with them!!! 19 years of trying is way too much and to be rejected and talked about behind my back with OUR daughter (their stepsister) hurt me so much I even cried. They are 25 and 23. So, I made the decision to not ever again want them in my life! I have been hurt by their rejection all this time but to actually hear it from their mouth and told to my daughter was the last straw. I can’t make anyone like me. All I’ve been is loving to them! That’s their choice!

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You shouldn’t be doing anything. Either he nips it in a bud or you have your answer on if you should marry him or not. Remind him that you are not dealing with this for the rest of your life.

He needs to put them in their proper place. He needs to see this bothers you and he needs to make a serious decision about his future. Best of luck

Talk to your husband again. Y’all need to agree on rules/consequences for/of their behavior.

I have been a step mom 7 years now. It was hard as SHIT at first because of same thing. I almost gave up… But it DOES get better. They’re going thru shit too… It won’t always be like this, be the adult and stay strong and don’t waiver!!! Now… My step kids love me and dont even remember what it was like before me! They listen, respect, make presents and birthday/holiday cards…they’re younger but its all the same. Kids think like kids. Its hard on your husband too trust me. It will work out in the end if you make them feel like your not leaving and care about them even when they are being unreasonable and crazy! Dont give up!

There 16 and 18 tell them to grow up there not kids there teenagers

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I wouldn’t marry him.

I could not deal with that& you don’t have to.

It’s not going to stop. It’s overall just hard with step kids and then that situation even worse.

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Meh I’d just forget it. Shower their dad with love and make them see your not going anywhere. They are just being petty children and might one day grow up…

Were you dating him before the divorce?

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Oh forget that manipulative little girls if he can’t see it bothers you or puts his foot down then it isn’t gunna change I would be very suspicious leave you deserve better xxx

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Help a mama out and respond anonymously on our forum! I feel like my soon to be husbands step kids are trying to tear us apart: Advice?

Run, becuse they will not ever stop.

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Try sit n dwn w/them to c what their issue is

Help a mama out and respond anonymously on our forum! I feel like my soon to be husbands step kids are trying to tear us apart: Advice?

Don’t marry him, you will constantly struggle with them due to their manipulative behavior! Run far, run fast, your mental health matters more!

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Keep in mind…they are fighting to hang onto their father figure, however it may be in an inappropriate manner…talk to your fiance and let him know how you feel…but he considers his step children as his own…and let him address this with the girls, do this as a couple…and most of all dont over react…when they realize the marriage is happening…they will either blend into family or move on…

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Its his place to say something to the girls and his ex, especially about the inappropriate behavior. I know you love him but love also is sometimes letting go too. I hope you love yourself enough to walk away if this is really happening. Evidently he loves his attention from these girls more than you if he allows this. Its like they’re making fun of you, or they have an unhealthy relationship. Good luck to you. I hope you do the right thing. It may hurt now but you will be so happy and relieved in the end.

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No matter how much you love this dude, his inability to make his stepdaughters treat you with respect does not bode well for you having a happy marriage with him. Time to lay down the law or walk, otherwise get used to years of allowing yourself to be walked on.

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Were you one of the reasons he and his ex- wife divorced? Where is their bio-Dad? Try to grit your teeth and realize the girls are facing a major upheaval in their lives. If there is competition unfortunately I think you will lose. They are just about past the stage where you can be a step parent, so work on friendship. I wish you all the best.

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I wouldn’t want to get in the middle of parent/children relationships, if they don’t accept you now, they probably never will, no matter how much you love each other if the relationship is not supported by your people it will always be difficult.

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Honestly this is really weird to me. It makes me wonder if he was ever inappropriate or abused these girls growing up. It’s not normal for young women to behave like that towards a man if they truly viewed him as a father figure. I wonder how old this new wife is. How old hix ex wife was when they got together and when they separated. How old were the girls when they got together as well?

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Look talk to him about how you feel and what you expect from him and if he doesn’t care, if he doesn’t do it then he never will do it would be in your best interest not to marry him.

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Maybe God is throwing up a stumbling block. Don’t go over it. I see red flags. These are not his biological children. If you are seeing a touchy-feely situation don’t deny your gut feeling. Until you are at total peace walk away. These kids aren’t going away. They may go off to school or stay with their mother but they will be back. If your fiancé is not standing up for you this is a losing battle. Red flags all over this.

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My husband is a step father to my children Nd he’s never been touchy Feely with mine. Suspect behavior if you ask me.

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They would soon be on their way the university, so except on holidays,no much contact. But if they are not his children, shouldn’t they be on an on/ off visit. Why is the real mum pushing them to him.

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Speak to him about how this behavior is effecting you. If he doesn’t stand up for you then i hope you chose yourself and leave.

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It took about 2 and a half years for my Boyfriends daughter to even start being nice to me. She is 9 and it was just very difficult it caused a lot of tension. She would legit get jealous if he touched me and like we have never been super affectionate people.

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You can’t do anything about it. It’s your husband’s place to set boundaries with his daughters. If he doesn’t, things will never change.

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Build a working relationship with his ex around the children if possible. Talk with your future husband about your concerns and observations. Decide whether this is a relationship you really want to be in - he is a package deal and the relationship will never be about just the two of you.

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Sadly I spent seven years in a relationship where his daughter who was 18 thought I was interfering in their lives. Even though she hated her own mother, she had always being daddy’s girl who did everything. Even in my own home I brought with him and it lasted 18minths, she would come in and rearrange things, start cooking and totally disregard my presence there.
It never improved. His son was about 10 and omg he caused so much trouble with my two that came up fortnightly, lied n caused havoc with us. In the end I had wasted my time and left

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These girls will never let you have any peace. Tell him good by because he loves them too and doesn’t realize what they are doing or wants to see it. Don’t marry him with this situation. Either split or continue the relationship but don’t marry him.

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He needs to put a stop to that.the girls are to old for that…you don’t really know if they’ll accuse him of something

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I can relate to this so much. Except the touchy feely stuff. The girls became so disgusting disrespectful he asked them to move out after 5 years of garbage. He still has two young kids and the youngest girl is just as bad as her older sisters. Lately I have been asking myself if I can do another ten years with it all. All we fight about is kid’s. I can tell you it don’t get easier just harder

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Have you tried talking to them? They are old enough imo - just lay it all on the table - i want to have a good relationship with you and i love your father immensely, what can i do to make you both feel more comfortable?

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Ok so 11 years those kids were 5 and 7. They were children. To them that is their dad. Would you feel this way if they were biologically his? I disagree with him needing to pick sides. Those are his children. Be the bigger person they are almost grown. They are part of him so if you love him then you love them… and their faults and issues.

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I blame the situation on him. He needs to fix it. I couldn’t be with a man who acted inappropriate with younger girls. I see that as a HUGE red flag you shouldn’t ignore. I see the entire situation as a red flag to not marry this guy.

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I think their behavior is probably normal. Why do they need another woman in their livres life while their mommy is so perfect!

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Tell the girls to grow up!! they are old enough to know exactly what they are doing, they are daughters not kids. If the mother is openly against the new women the girls will probably never change and if the father isn’t standing up for his soon to be wife…he has clearly already made a decision. (And it’s not for the new wife!)

I can relate but in the opposite sense-I was about 6 when my father remarried, my parents had been divorced for maybe a year ……she had 2 kids we are all close in age- my new stepmom and I had a strained relationship from the start- my father would force us to “work it out” for about 8 more years before I called it quits and ended my court order visitation with them, my own mother would tell me I should have a relationship with my dad and his new family, thinking that she was doing the right thing….but my stepmom was a bully, always telling me how I was trying to take my father away, or destroy her new family. She would do things like cut my waist long hair off to above my shoulders before telling any of my actual parents(I was 8 ) a year later she handed me a 3 blade razor and told me to shave my legs, if her kids and I fought about something I was always the one in the wrong, she would be uncomfortably open with her affections towards my father when I was around-making sure I didn’t sit on the same couch or hold his hand ….things only got worse the older I became and the more aware I was of her manipulative abuse.
my father ALWAYS took her side, no matter what-He never had say that he picked them over me, he showed it in his actions.
I never wanted to tear them apart, I was never jealous of my stepmom but I got tired of trying to fit in somewhere I clearly wasn’t wanted.
It’s been over 15 years, I’ve seen him once and spoken to him twice
(none of which ended well)

Run women Run! He has already chosen a side!

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let me get this right…

the girls (who are not biologically his) are getting TOUCHY-FEELY with him… AND HES DEFENDING IT.

am i reading this right?? or am i trippin?? what in the actual fuck is wrong with everyone involved? including their bio mom??? something is not sitting right with me in this case at all…

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Pray about it … he should be standing up for you … defending you … and if need be ….walk away… you are the adult … the teenagers should not be talking to you like that or behaving like that …

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You are seeing things from one side. You truly do not know what went on in his past, his past marriage or why these children are behaving like this.
It’s a huge red flag towards his behavior that he doesn’t mind pedophilia. He is down playing the actions of children he shaped for their formative years.
These are the issues you need to be looking at.
Abusers are charming, smooth, too good to be true, they often play the downtrodden victim.

Run!

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I’d think if you made it clear that you’re not trying to be their mother, maybe they’d feel less threatened? Your husband will always be their dad, but he IS your husband.

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When you see something you better believe it…I would have to make some changes to get away from that and get some counseling

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As a parent my kids come before anyone, so there’s that.

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Jo Rosa behave yourself. So their stepdad should be single for the rest of his life? That behaviour is not normal. It screams jealousy

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Nothing wrong with continuing a relationship with their father or stepfather touching inappropriately is the problem. That’s a no no regardless at what age. He needs to also step up and not allow them to belittle you. There’s not enough love if I was in this situation… I’d be packing my bags and saying bye bye… they are out to destroy your relationship and their stepfather doesn’t seem to care. Best of luck to you… you need to move forward!!!

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He needs to put his foot down and speak to those kids. There grown and they know better.

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Your spouse needs to put his foot down with his daughters & demand respect for you & him. Children will eventually grow up & see the bigger picture.

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Don’t do it. If u can live apart do it and see each other. But you can’t have a relationship with them around. They will tear your life apart and he will always side with them. Been there done that. Once I left, I felt no guilt, I loved him and wanted to make a family, but all the fighting was not worth my own sanity.

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Get counseling, now. Yes, YOU. “Both female”?? How disrespectful! You have not even connected to his daughters as PEOPLE. Two young women…or even, one in high school and one in college…or whatever. Something that shows you know anything about them. Next. YOU are the adult. Act like it. So many more problems evident here.

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