I found out my boyfriend never divorced his ex; Thoughts?

My boyfriend and I have been together for years. When we first started dating, he made it clear that he did not want any more children or to be married again. I was the opposite; I wanted a lot of kids and to be married. Over the years, things changed, and we have been blessed with three beautiful children. We have discussed marriage, and he and I have agreed to how we want our wedding to go. The thing is, he always comes up with excuses to back out of it and says I am pushing the subject. I have given him space, haven’t asked, and came to the fact that we are happy without marriage. I just found out a couple of days ago; there is no record of him getting a divorce from his first wife. (Please, don’t attack me on this, I took his word, and I already feel stupid) He and his 1st wife have not communicated for over 15 years, and she lives with her new family on the other side of the country. I just don’t know with this information, how to feel I guess…any KIND positive advice/ words would be great! Thanks.


Get it on the books and in front of a judge

You are committing adultery now that you do know

It’s your choice as to continue to live with this, demand a divorce, etc
Anything happens to him, his WIFE will be making the decisions not you as in a court of law, you are just the side piece
Does he not respect you enough to tell you the TRUTH???

The choice is yours

Good luck


Cheaper to keep her lol.

Does he realize the legal ramifications? Since she is still legally his wife she is entitled to everything. She has the legal right to make decisions for him if he were medically unable to. If he were to die she is his beneficiary, and if you own a home she is entitled to his half. Insurance through work cannot be changed without those divorce papers. Look into it, not only an emotional hot mess but a legal hot mess!!


Approach him out of kindness and not accusatory or anything like that. To me, I would be worried about what would happen to you and your three children if something happened to him- at this point, his wife would legally be responsible for making health decisions for him and would also receive any life insurance or anything else. This leaves you with nothing. I would probably chat with him about it from that angle- in an effort to provide for your children should something ever happen to him.


It is what it is. Either he gets the divorce by the end of the month or you leave. People need to stop doing dumb shit like this. Sticking around hoping he will change. If he truly wanted to marry you he would have done it already

I have a few friends who never divorced their ex’s for a number of reasons but I would definitely confront him

Did you ask him?? Maybe they are divorced and it’s not recorded correctly. I think you need to ask your husband!..

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He never wanted to marry you to start with he’s still married


I would at least confront him on this. You should know if he and his ex are divorced. She may not be aware and maybe neither is he, but you should know. What you do about it, is up to you.

I think you should talk to him about it.

Some people don’t divorce cause it’s expensive and some cause one of the parties wouldn’t sign the agreement. I would ask kindly. And for that matter even if he was divorced, whoever marries him is committing adultery anyway. Unless there was sex involved in the reason why the divorce was settled. So your committing adultery anyway.


So…you are the other woman…at this point

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Honey, WHY would he marry you if he’s getting all the BENEFITS WITHOUT BEING MARRIED TO YOU? I would definitely confront him, and give him a date in which to be DIVORCED, and a Date to be MARRIED or the BENEFITS would come to a HAULT !


The two of you need to have a discussion about your future. Like others have mentioned above, the legality of things being tied to someone else.

Medical decisions
Your children
She could have children
Real property

It really isn’t difficult to get a divorce on your own. You can research it online. It most likely would be a no fault divorce.


Shes entitled to his pension, social security ect,… you now have three children with him,you need to look at the future with this,I dont have any advice other then figure out how to protect yourself financially, make sure you set something up for yourself bc you aren’t entitled to anything


Get yourself a family law attorney now! You and your children together need legal protection.


Damn. Some of y’all are ruthless. To those giving proper advice…kudos.
To those of you judging … She already feels bad. She doesn’t need to be attacked. Geesh.

Seek out legal advice from an attorney in your area. There are lots of potentials but don’t assume anything until an attorney tells you exactly what could happen.


Before going off on him completely, sit down, calm down, and have a heart to heart. I know several people who thought they were divorced through internet divorces that they paid for but ended up not being filed correctly with the court. If they didn’t have anything to fight about and had a civil divorce, they may have chosen that option because it’s significantly cheaper than the court route.


I wouldn’t be with someone who has lied for that many years about being married, kids involved or not.


So tell him you want him to divorce her. It’s shitty but maybe he was afraid you would leave. Idk I’d laugh at my husband if he thought I’d be mad if he told me he was still married.

Sit doen calm and hace a heart to heart w him. He may think hes dicorced and it not hace been filed correctly with the court. Dont confront him and accuse him of anything but talk to him abt it calmly.
And try to figure out what to do legally from here.

As of right now if they were legally seperated then married or not depending on the state she may not be entitled to anything like other ppl are saying.

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Probably avoiding it so he doesn’t bring attention to his wife and have her going after him for child or spousal support etc

He will have to put work into tracking her down and having her served.

Sounds like he’s taking the easy way out.


They might have filed papers and never went back and checked if it was approved. He needs to get a hold of her and get it handled. Cause if he files where you guys live you will need to send her a copy of it so she can sign it. She needs to be severed for this to even go forward. Just breath little shit like this happens. I bet you she doesn’t even know they still married

The fact that he continues to back out would indicate to me he doesn’t want to marry. You are kind of caught now cause you love him and have children. Have a heart to heart talk with him, about him still married, you and children’s future, etc. You need to know where you stand. Being in limbo isn’t good. Contact www.legalzoom.com attorneys can give you advice.

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I think it’s something that should be worked on but emotionally not as big of a deal as some are making it out to be.

Divorce sucks, especially when you can’t afford it. Or when you can’t communicate with the other person in a respectful matter. Some people feel like trying to get someone to do something like come to an agreement ( which is what a divorce is) is a lost cause, so they become resigned to doing anything about the situation at all.

Out of sight out of mind kind of matter. I’m sure if he knew the legal issues it would cause him later down the road he would do something about it. I’m sure he is just uneducated about the topic.

Maybe him not wanting to discuss marriage is just a defense because he knows he needs to do it but just feels like it’s impossible maybe financially or other reasons.

Who knows. I’ve been married and divorced and after being divorced once literally to me it’s just a piece of paper.

My exhusband cheated on me the whole time despite being legally married.

Marriage to me is someone showing me they love me everyday. Respect, and having a protector and all the good stuff that comes with being with me someone you love.

A lot of these strangers don’t know your relationship 100, So they have no place to call you a side chick or anything else. That’s my opinion! :slightly_smiling_face:


He’s lazy or owns a small fortune he doesn’t want to part with :roll_eyes:, at least you have both laid your cards on the table showing each a other expectations of a potential relationship at the start and now he has come round to the idea of marriage now :raised_hands:t2: , He can’t marry you until Big D ! Guess he is gonna have to sort that paperwork out finally! Do you know the date of his marriage? Because often I’ve observed in Big D stories , the D date is equally as memorable as the marriage date , so by mentioning about booking it might be a time to ask theses dates as to not coincide your beautiful union on theses memorable dates?

Oh wow… that’s a long time to deceive a person,
especially one that you love,
are spending your life with, and have a family with. And deceive you he did, every day he lied to you, every conversation about the ex— a lie, every conversation about your relationship—- a lie, every conversation about getting married —-a lie.
I can totally understand why you feel confused because I would too if I were in your shoes.

My brother stalled on getting a divorce just for financial reasons and the fact that each of them moved across states and it never became an issue until him and his current wife decided to get married he filed the paperwork and they both signed and they were divorced pretty quickly… no lawyers or anything involved… they didnt have kids and he didnt realize how easy the process would be. I think 300 dollars and he was divorced… he also kept the info from his current wife, not because he wanted to deceive her but he was afraid she would be upset with him or hold it against him for procrastinating on getting it done


Need to get rid of this liar???

At least now you know the situation for what it is. He lied to you. Plain and simple. Yes you have children with him, but the fact is he is still married legally. Either tell him to take care of business in starting the divorce or walk away. Or continue what you been doing, and hope it works out for you both. Good luck in everything.

I was living with my ex for months before I found out he was legally married. I was fuming…mainly because he didn’t let me. I thought they had gotten a divorce but they had not. I chose to stay with him. I also offered to help pay for the divorce. Thank god I never did. He ended up putting me in the hospital. I had him arrested. Anyway, that’s a personal choice. Can you live with it if he doesnt want to go through with court? And if you do if something happens legally she is next of kin and has final say…and would get everything in his name…just going to point that out.

This seems complicated. I would seek legal counsel first. Think about what the professionals say before you reopen the discussion with him again. In other words get a clear understanding of what this means for all of you.

Be helpful and go investigate what happened if he needs to get a divorce then help with that.