I lied to my daughter to protect her and now she hates me

I need advice please my 16 year old daugter recently found out that the man i was married to is not her biological father. We busy getting divorced, she met her biological father in June and he bought her a phone, since she got the phone her behavior changed, she is chatting to guys a lot older then her, sending pictures to guys, telling them that she is very sick and have anorexia which she dont have, now over the past 2 weeks school send her to talk to someone, because the thought she is having panick attacks, this person she went to talk to then informed me that she want to commit suicide i am at witsend, she dont stay with me, i took the phone away on friday and discovered all this pictures and conversations and all the lies she was telling to this guys. Have annyone experience this with their child on that age. She refuses to talk to me and hates me for lying to her for the 16 years, I did it to protect her from her real fathers family.


Help a mama out and respond anonymously on our forum. I lied to my daughter to protect her and now she hates me

Maybe try to have some empathy for your daughters situation???
Sounds like her parents just got a divorce- that’s a trauma in itself on kids
She found out her dads not really her dad- HUGE betrayal
She’s being manipulated and groomed by older men- because older people being interested in her is NEVER her fault. She’s a child, and I’m betting these dudes know exactly how old she is and that she’s going through a hard time right now. She’s a victim in all of that, you should be offering her help to get away from them.

And if she’s telling people she has anorexia maybe she does!! I had bulimia for years as a teenager and my parents never knew. Eating disorders are easier to cover up than you’d think.


One thing that didn’t change in her life is that you are her mother. Own what you did with no excuses. Tell her you thought you were doing right but you were wrong. You need to be strong, loving, understanding and firm so that she feels secure in you. Teenage years are rough years as it is. End the older men thing for her safety. Do not let guilt or trying to make her happy with you change the fact that it is your job to be her mother. She needs that security. Definitely get her into counseling. Most of all pray!


When I was a teenager, I was finding out a lot of family secrets and lies. I blamed myself for a lot of it even though it wasn’t my fault and I did nothing to cause their choice of deception. I actually did start an eating disorder, self harming, and ended up inpatient 11 times for undiagnosed mental health concerns and suicidal ideations. I’m 28 now and doing much better with the right therapy, but I still have huge anger issues with my parents. I wonder what bio dad is saying to her especially with the phone? Someone is sending her abusive content on top of everything else and she’s searching for her value through pleasing those older men (trust me I have been there).


I think with her recent changes and the discovery of many things
To me It sounds like she’s using that your ex husband is not her bio father against you because she has nothing else as you confront and discover what she’s up to


You need to give her time. You may think you were doing the right thing but this is the biggest betrayal she’s ever experienced in her life. She doesn’t know how she can trust anyone when the person she trusted more than anyone else was able to lie to her so easily. I think counseling would be your best option. Send her alone first and once she’s ready you should join her for some sessions.


She needs time to process, she’s angry just now and young and confused. Every 16year old assumes were right at the time. Take the phone off her if you pay the bill would be my first step and explain to her it’s being done because of who she’s choosing to talk to etc and lie about if she is indeed lying. Sounds like she’s crying out for some attention from anyone and using those issues as reasons for people to communicate with her. But she needs to know she could out herself in danger also.
Regarding her bio dad she just needs to discover for herself what the family is like xxx

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I had custody of my neice… She was doing the same thing. I found conversations of her to a 25 year old man calling him ‘daddy’ when she was 15. Now she is 18 and all behaviour like that has stopped. She was a really angry young teen at her parents and the world due to growing up in the foster system before she and get sisters came to me when she was 15… your daughter is probably feeling angry and hurt and just lashing out counselling works wonders! Hope it works out x


Her whole world was shattered. She cannot comprehend why you lied. Get family and individual therapy.


To late now it’s done but never good to lie to them


My mother did the same thing. I found out when I was 16. I was angry at first but got over it. Now as a mother I understand completely


Sooo as a child who grew up with a stepfather and didn’t know that he wasnt my bio father until later (thankfully they told me when I was like 5 or 6) I just wanna say that lying to them to “protect” is honestly the worst idea ever. I mean, kids grow up and find things out eventually. And finding out you were lied to about something that’s big like that can really hurt and mess your head up. She’s going through things and processing a lot of emotions. Honestly, I understand how you feel but sometimes its easier to talk to someone else about those feelings than it is to talk to your parent. Have her go to therapy and she’ll need to just process these emotions and learn healthier coping mechanisms. Family counseling isnt a bad idea either. Easier said than done I know but its probably one of the better things to do. I honestly dont remember the conversation with my mom and stepdad when they told me but from what I’ve been told I was devastated and cried my eyes out. And that was only 5/6 years of not knowing, I can’t imagine what 16 years can feel like. Lying for any reason isn’t a good call if you ask me. Kids grow up, and they catch on to things and for future scenarios honesty is probably the better way to handle situations no matter how tough. A kid can end up carrying resentment in their hearts when going through a betrayal. I wish you all the best of luck, I hope things all end up for the best!


First tell her you love her no matter what reaction you get. Next find a therapist that you all can talk to but at first your daughter. Third monitored her whereabouts but not to the point you are hovering over her. Bring up random conversation about her day tell her about yours. Make the air a bit tight but don’t suffocate her or your relationship. She got more freedom with that phone and everything else that is happening around her gives her mixed feelings. That’s tough for any child. Be firm. Understand…love…hugs etc. you got this mom❤️.

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I sure did an my daughters 18 an still continues the crazy story’s an lies an other things. I was told by psychiatrist that she’s stuck in fair tale world. This behavior started when she was 12 at that!

I’m sorry but you need help. She honestly could be suicidal, and you’re refusing to ignore it. That’s how all these kids end up committing suicide. You need to put your pride away. You lied to her. And it was a big lie. You basically blew up her life. Everything she has ever known is a lie. And she could potentially be anorexic as well, you’re not your daughter. It does sound like she could be depressed. Both of y’all need counseling. And if a counselor is even saying that she’s suicidal. Then she needs inpatient care.


Scare her. Sending pictures to older men is CP and report those men.

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This can be emencely siddixuly for a kid, especially in their teenage developmental stage. If she was close to your husband it can cause alot if turmoil. I can understand why you did it, us parents are not perfect we don’t have “how to be a perfect mom” book. Send her to counseling amd lots of love is very much needed. This is going to be a rough road, so brace yourself. But in the end prayerfully she will understand why the situation unfolded as it did. She is old enough to know why you kept this from her. Tell her, be honest! Self harm and developing an eating disorder is going to be the norm for her. Shebis trying to release the internal pain that just won’t go away. Get her, her space but you are still mom. Don’t let her get away with things just because you feel bad. Also have your husband speak to her as well. Seek counseling for you and her. Good luck! :+1:

“I did it to protect her from her real father’s family.”

So many prayers for that little girl.

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I think that is absolutely traumatic to be lied to by your parents, her world is shaken. Of course her behavior is going to change, lies protect no one and I would apologize to her and maybe do therapy together.


Children are going to act out and as a parent you need to curb that. The divorce and the truth about her paternity is a lot for a child to handle. However that does NOT justify what she is doing. If the therapist felt she was going to commit suicide why didn’t they have her admitted for a mental evaluation?

I’d give the phone to her therapist, the need to see who there working with. Continue to have faith God is working with her. Time is a healing and she will be getting help to resolve her issues

First off, I hope you texted each and every one of those older people and told them her real age. Second, you need family and individual counseling, third, keep the phone but make sure the bill is in your name and you have control over it’s use and content.


Tell her the truth all of it

You need to give her time to process everything. You broke her trust by lying to her for 16 years, regardless of her Father’s family. My Son is 13, his biological Father left me while I was pregnant and has never been apart of my childs life. When my son was 11 months old, I met my now Husband. We raised our son to know that he has a Father (the absent one) and he has a Dad (My husband) and being open about it has made it a not so big issue in our home. Reading this post makes me feel so thankful and grateful for my decision to do things the way that I did with making him aware from the start. His Father’s family was crazy, drama filled, and just mean, but protecting him from them was not an issue. I suggest you get your daughter into therapy to process what she has been told. This could set her like in the wrong direction if not handled the right way. Also, if she’s suicidal, I suggest you be a little more compassionate and supportive. That is something VERY serious. Your post made you sound pretty insensitive to your Daughter’s feelings. I hope for the sake of your relationship with her that, that changes.


I’m so so sorry momma. :sleepy: This has to be incredibly hard for you. I So hope step-dad didn’t reveal this information out of spite. If so what a disgusting thing to do to a child he helped raise. My ex did this with my son when he was 4. Raised him from infancy and then when we split said he only wanted “his son” (ours together) :unamused:. You just have to remember to take this one thing at a time. One day, hour, minute, second at a time. Whatever you can manage. I hope you both have a good support system and if not I think the counseling is a great idea. She’s probably SO overwhelmed with her emotions she’s doing anything she can to distract herself and to make her feel wanted. I also think you guys should go out and get your frustration out together somewhere. Go jumping at a trampoline park, take a kickboxing class, buy some cheap dishes from to goodwill and take em in the woods somewhere and smash em up! Maybe even write all the things or people you’re p*ssed off at on the plates? Help her get her emotions out momma. They’re overwhelming her and I Know your overwhelmed double. :heart::heart::heart: Trust the universe and yourself. You’ve Got This!

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Lies never save anybody from anything !!!

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First, you need to have some empathy for your daughter. YOU made a mistake that effected her, destroyed the bond you guys had if you had one, changed her perception of you as a mother, she lost what support she thought she had with betrayal, her whole world and everything she THOUGHT she knew is now lost and upside down.

That’s a lot for a teenager, a teenager who is already going through teenage things & emotions.

If they say she is suicidal, she is 99% likely to be suicidal. If she says she’s got an eating disorder, chances are she does and she opened up to somebody that was not you. You should consider and be concerned that she didn’t trust you, but she trusted a stranger instead. Reevaluate.

You either need to grow up, step up, take accountability, support your daughter or start coming to terms with finding your daughter lost to Suicide that you can-could have help(Ed) prevent.

She needs therapy, she needs love, she needs support. Those men need charges pressed against them, she’s being taken advantage of by pedophiles and they are now in possession of photos of YOUR daughter that could be sold, put on the internet, etc that put her in danger. She needs protection, educated on the matter, and some self love spoken into her.

She doesn’t need to feel embarrassed, she needs to know her mom is there. She’s screaming for attention in the wrong manner because there’s obviously lack of trust and bond here.

Family therapy, independent therapy for you both.

I hate to sound harsh, because I bet it’s rough. But it’s rougher on her; the child. I gotta be harsh because she’s a child who needs an adult to stick up for her before it’s too late. A child who needs help & is obviously screaming for it.

Save your daughter.

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It sounds as if she is creating a make believe virtual world to avoid the real world issues that are happening. This is a trauma response. I feel she needs a lot of emotional support and understanding right now. She needs to feel heard, and her thoughts and feelings need to be validated. I would suggest getting some counseling for her and also for yourself. Most importantly she needs to hear that you were wrong, and she deserves an explanation. It’s important to let her know despite everything that you love her and you are there for her. She is hurting. And she needs you now more than ever. Hope it all works out for the best.

Never lie to your kids, especially about their paternity! This situation is what happens! You need to apologize to your daughter! :cry: (pray she forgives you)

She’s angry.
My mom did the same. Hid the truth of where I originated from.
Played like my dad was my sperm donor to.
I found out around the same age as your daughter.
I was MAD.
The one person I thought I could trust…lied to me, BIG.
Like wtf.
Took me a while to get over that anger.
Now as an adult…I understand why she did it. I truly do. But as a CHILD I didn’t. She’s mad. She’s confused. She doesn’t know WHAT to believe right now.
Get her into therapy. Give her an outlet to work thru the storm you threw her into.
Being a teen is already hard, nvm when you throw in a bombshell like that to!

But fyi…you’re gonna have to work at regaining that trust back…you may never get it back. Depends on how solid the relationship was beforehand.
That’s the only thing that saved my relationship with my mom…we were extremely close…so eventually I forgave and moved on.

Therapy therapy therapy and maybe an inpatient facility for a week so she can have space from any outside influence including yours. You don’t sound compassionate at all for what she is going through. Now add in her new found dad issues, feeling betrayed by her mother… she is looking for love and trust elsewhere.

Therapy. Something is not right.

Shes angry & that is okay. In her mind, you betrayed her. And thats okay. Be there for her. Support her. Show her the right way. Stop lying to her as well. She was plenty onld enough at 12 to start being told the truth to questions she would ask I hated my mother for many reasons. One was for telling me my real mother never wanted me. Come to find out she actually did, but was a heroin addict so she couldnt. She was protecting me in a way i didnt know untill i was old enough to realize. I was 20 when i finally cut my real mother off. And by then it was to late to build a relationship with my mom. Dont make it to late. PROVE to her why you lied. No you dont have to, but if you want that trust bacm, tell her the truth about everything.

My son have NEVER met his father because the family is awful. But he does know who his father is. I never kept his father away from him, it was his father’s decision to walk away from him. His father’s family doesn’t even know he exists.

Your child is literally screaming for help and you just tell her she lying??? WHAT??? She needs intensive help and therapy, so do you. Depression and suicidal thoughts are no joke. Neither are eating disorders. Talk to your fucking child and help her! Poor girl… I really hope she gets the help she needs… :frowning:

It’s a huge betrayal. I hope you apologized and tell her you regret your choices. Bc kids ALWAYS deserve to know who their bio parents are.

Honestly, I’m sorry but I think you did this to yourself. Even if you think you did the right thing by hiding it from her, you should have given her the choice. & the father bought her a phone, so technically he’s involved now?

My boys dads are not around. But I’m not gonna get with someone and lie and say that’s their dad. It isn’t. I’ll tell them straight up and show them text messages as to why my boys do not have their fathers around. I’m not here to bash my kids dads, but once it comes time to have that talk with my boys, they won’t be thinking I’m the one in the wrong. Because I would have stayed, and picked up the slack their father hadn’t.
Also you grounding her, taking away her phone, and etc, might just get her to kill herself. GOOD JOB. If she fr is depressed and has thoughts of ending her life, what in heavens name made you think it was EVER a good idea to take her shit away and lock her away form social interactions. Yeah, so you can find her dead in the bathtub? Sounds like a great plan right? She’s 16 fucking years old, let her have some slack. Otherwise I’m 1.5years when she moves out. Guess who she will NEVER visit? You sweets.

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I lost my best friend to suicide so I don’t mess around when someone says they want to. I would immediately get her into an inpatient facility so she can get some help to process everything. She needs a third party adult that she can trust to help her navigate all of her feelings. Then I would get yourself some therapy along with family therapy to help you rebuild your bond. The 1st thing to address is the suicidal ideation as that’s the most imminent & serious.

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