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QUESTION:
“I need advice please my 16 year old daugter recently found out that the man i was married to is not her biological father. We busy getting divorced, she met her biological father in June and he bought her a phone, since she got the phone her behavior changed, she is chatting to guys a lot older then her, sending pictures to guys, telling them that she is very sick and have anorexia which she dont have, now over the past 2 weeks school send her to talk to someone, because the thought she is having panick attacks, this person she went to talk to then informed me that she want to commit suicide i am at witsend, she dont stay with me, i took the phone away on friday and discovered all this pictures and conversations and all the lies she was telling to this guys. Have annyone experience this with their child on that age. She refuses to talk to me and hates me for lying to her for the 16 years, I did it to protect her from her real fathers family.”
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TOP ANSWERS (AS SELECTED BY MODERATOR):
The following top answers have been selected by a moderator from hundreds of responses to the original question.
“I think the best thing to do is sit down and talk to her. Explain your side of the story about why you never told her. Obviously certain people shouldn’t be involved in your child’s life, but she did / does have a right to know that she is adopted & who her dad is. It seems now that she’s just acting out, try to get her into therapy so she can talk to someone about it because honestly it won’t be with you. At least not for a while. Get her into counseling so they can help her and direct her on the path to healing and moving forward.”
“You’ve taught your daughter that lying is okay. So she is now doing the same. She thinks it’s okay. She’s also hurt because she’s confused that you’ve lied to her. You best bet is to sit her down and explain why you lied, explain your reasons and also admit defeat and say you now realise it was the wrong thing to do. She’ll respect your honesty. Unfortunately she’s now going to be seeking any love because she’s going to think that people who lie to her are good people because after all her mum lied to her and she’s a good person. There will be a lot of damaging relationships and lessons to learn but it’s inevitably going to happen now. She’s hurt and she doesn’t know how to deal with it.”
“Honestly, I’m sorry but I think you did this to yourself. Even if you think you did the right thing by hiding it from her, you should have given her the choice. & the father bought her a phone, so technically he’s involved now? My boys dads are not around. But I’m not gonna get with someone and lie and say that’s their dad. It isn’t. I’ll tell them straight up and show them text messages as to why my boys do not have their fathers around. I’m not here to bash my kids dads, but once it comes time to have that talk with my boys, they won’t be thinking I’m the one in the wrong. Because I would have stayed, and picked up the slack their father hadn’t. Also if she fr is depressed and has thoughts of ending her life, what in heavens name made you think it was EVER a good idea to take her stuff away and lock her away form social interactions? She’s 16 years old, let her have some slack.”
“You don’t turn into a pathological liar over night! You did what you knew best, to protect your child. Anyone saying otherwise is judgmental and rude. They were not in your shoes, they don’t know what you went through. However, your daughter has probably had a lying problem for far longer than you know or want to admit. She is almost an adult and this isn’t normal behavior at all. She needs some serious therapy. I had a friend exactly like her growing up and her family was awesome! She just had a severe lying problem!”
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