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QUESTION:
"My husband and I have been together for almost 20 years now. We have 3 teenage children. The past few weeks my husband was acting really off. So after some time passes and the feeling staying, I decided to look at his browsing history. Big mistake. I found out that not only is he searching for locals to hook up with, but he’s joined apps etc. We have a zero tolerance policy for this kind of behavior, which he clearly knows and asked the same of me… and yet, here we are… What do I do? He’s got all of the signs that he is actively cheating… including searching and joining sites, while he was sitting across from me, on our anniversary a week ago. The no duh thing is to leave. But I can’t. I have been a stay at home mom for 18 years so we could afford for him to continue his career… I have nothing. My kids are also disabled and he has no ability to care for them, but without a place to stay and money to pay the bills, I’m stuck. I’m stuck with someone who looks me in my face and tells me he loves me but yet is looking to hookup with others… I want to unalive myself, but my kids need me, so that’s out. How did I allow myself to get to this point? What can I do from here on out?"
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TOP ANSWERS (AS SELECTED BY MODERATOR):
The following top answers have been selected by a moderator from hundreds of responses to the original question.
"Just so you know, spousal support exists in divorce decrees for this exact situation. You can leave and still land on your feet. Being a homemaker, especially to special needs children, doesn’t necessarily look bad on resumes anymore. So your chances of finding work are pretty good, if that’s something that’s doable for you. There’s so many resources for assistance these days that you truly don’t have to stay."
"First thing to do is check for a nonprofit that helps women and see if they can refer you to an attorney. It took me a few years, but once I had all my ducks in a row I asked him for a divorce. If you live in a state where a everything is split 50/50, then you do have something. Also. Go to school, find a temp job, get out into the world more. Just take one step at a time."
"The first real question you need to ask yourself is “Do you want to continue with your relationship” if the answer is yes then you need to confront him with the information you have found and seek counseling if that’s what you want. If you want to leave do it. There are ways to do so. No it’s not going to be easy and divorce sucks but you and your family deserve better. Whatever your decision I highly recommend counseling. It may take time to find a therapist you click with but in the end it’s very worth it. Hugs and a positive vibes."
"Girl! It may feel like you are stuck, but you aren’t! The biggest hurdle is kicking him to the curb. You’ll find there is support all around you. Yes, you may not have a lot, and it is scary as hell - but I can assure you, leaving a toxic marriage is liberating. You find a way to make things happen when you don’t even realize it. You make best of the situation you are going to be walking through. There are resources out there to help momma’s like us get out of situations like that. You’ve got this. You have more power than you think! It’s hard the first night. It’s harder the second night, and some nights it will be better than others. But YOU will get through this!"
"My heart aches for you and your babies. I agree with a few of the above statements. Definitely talk to a lawyer because with your situation you would most definitely get alimony as well as child support. I highly suggest getting a support system in place if possible (mom, sibling, etc) someone you can confide in with what’s going on that way if you do happen to explode you know someone will understand what’s going on and you and the kids would have a safe place to go. If at all possible start a secret savings, every little bit will add up and help when you are ready to make the move. But most importantly, take a second to remind yourself this is NOT your fault. From what I can tell you’ve been a devoted mother and wife. Some people are just horrible. You and your kiddos deserve better! You are never stuck girl. Make a plan and start taking little steps! You can do it! Prayers for you!"
"This just recently happened to my mom except she up and decided to get her real estate license which is easy to do and can be done online see found out my dad had been cheating on her for 11 years in a 45 year marriage she stayed around and kept him around until she could set something up to where she’d be ok without him and then she confronted him and told him she wanted a divorce and gave him 2 months to leave"
"Get proof he is cheating and sue for alienation of love. Get a divorce, make him move out, and keep the house. After 20 years he will need to pay alimony and child support. Do not put yourself in that situation. You and the kids deserve better. Thankfully there are tons of resources."
"Communication! Tell him you are aware of his infidelity. Try to stay calm and talk to him. If you find yourself about to explode walk away and explode in your own space. Maybe you guys can work it out through counseling. I wish you the best of luck. Also know this, you’re never “stuck.” You have the tools and strength to face any challenges in your life. Have faith in yourself!"
"Everytime you go shopping or get groceries get cash back. Try and save. Ask for help you’d be surprised what options you do have. Also there is zero reason that you can’t kick him out. Let him find a place to stay and until the divorce he is still responsible for the house. He needs to leave and this needs to be discussed immediately"
"Kick him out, get a divorce with alimony, child support if they’re still under age and figure it out! Get some assistance until you’re on your feet, find a job that works for you… never underestimate your capability to do what you need to do when it comes to taking care of yourself and your kids!"
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