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QUESTION:
"It started a year ago, around Christmas time when my youngest son came into to town with his family. They all stayed at my oldest sons house. Plans were made ahead of time and all of a sudden things changed really fast when they all got to together. I was told to leave them alone and stop treating them like a child. I’m a very devoted grandmother and love my sons and their children very much. I enjoy posting pictures of them on Facebook so me and other grandmothers can share our grandkids. I get scolded for everything I post and I’m always being told about their boundaries and rules I have to follow. I’m always getting accused of trying to include myself into their lives. I don’t know what went wrong but the more I try to repair our relationship the worse it’s getting. I’m being told that I call and text them too much and that I feel entitled to them because I’m their mother. I don’t want to control or stick my nose in their business, all I want is to be treated like I’m still part of their family. Every time I ask the question why I get accused of causing drama. I’ve missed birthday parties this past year and I wasn’t even acknowledged on my birthday this year. My heart hurts and I’m about to just give them what I think they want is for me to leave them alone. Please help me to understand if my expectations of them are too over the edge or I’m just being a typical parent who has been left out. Thanks in advance!"
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TOP ANSWERS (AS SELECTED BY MODERATOR):
The following top answers have been selected by a moderator from hundreds of responses to the original question.
"I would make other arrangements for xmas ,and treat them like they want"
"If there’s not more to the story then it sounds like you have some shitty daughter-in-law‘s and ungrateful sons! And honestly I would put your energy into your local children’s centers you know how useful a grandma like you would be there there’s so many kids that would love to have attention and appreciate it!"
"They’ve said how they wish to be treated and all the things they feel are wrong. I’d take note of the boundaries they have put into place and let them be. They’ve communicated the issues. And the ways they feel would make things better. You’ve chosen not to follow that"
"Have you considered that they tried to take space from you and you kept pushing. It’s a really big boundary’s romp to post their children on social media without their permission, boundaries and rules for their family means you follow them or you aren’t as included, and that’s a natural consequence esp if you haven’t been respectful to their family. And we have all missed out there been a pandemic. Also I noticed you say you only love your sons and their children, what about the rest of their family?!? The partners weren’t included in that and that says a lot. Maybe try backing off and giving them space and treating them like adults as they have already asked you to do those things. But your behavior caused them to pull away…. Now may be good to reflect on the behaviors they’ve pointed out to you and why you continued pushing and being disrespectful. Talk with a professional if necessary."
"If your children are setting up boundaries they don’t want you to cross there is a reason. Somewhere along the line you’ve done something in their eyes where they need you to take a step back. Not trying to be rude but speaking from a child’s point of view who had to set boundaries not to be crossed."
"I’m sorry you’re going through this. It sounds devastating. You mentioned issues in regards to online posts of your grandchildren and not respecting boundaries and I think those are pretty significant issues. Its important to respect your adult childrens boundaries and to listen to their rules in regard to themselves, their children, and their time. Perhaps some individual therapy could help you with these issues. Hoping you find solutions and love and support."
"Chances are they set boundaries and you don’t listen. I rarely post any pics of my kids on social media because I don’t feel like the internet is safe. My niece didn’t have a private page and last year some random guy she never met nor had mutual friends with reacted to every single pic she had on her page of her young daughter (5 years at the time). She saw it in her notifications, one right after the other. Totally freaked her out. Some people don’t want to take those chances. Others are just private in their lives. If you broke their boundaries, especially if it happened repeatedly, chances are they were hurt that you would disrespect and disregard something important to them. Take a step back and reevaluate the situation. Hopefully you can still repair the relationship but it sounds like the wounds are still fresh enough for them that they lost trust in you."
"Respect the rules and boundaries they set up period. Clearly they have been broken on more than one time. Stop trying the repair it and do a forced fixed. Drop the text and calls down to 1/3 of what you are doing!"
"I would definitely see if they’d be willing to do family counseling. I don’t have contact much with my oldest. I don’t know what their childhood was like but it sounds like they’re protecting themselves and haven’t forgiven you yet. I truly have no idea but my heart hurts for you"
"They told you their expectations and you’re not listening. They told you what they don’t like, yet you STILL continue to do it. This is on you. Respect their wishes and boundaries or I guarantee you’ll lose the relationship for good"
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