My husband and I are dealing with a situation with my stepdaughter. She is 12, and we believe she has depression and anxiety. She has a history of cutting herself. When she was a few months old, her biological mom walked out on her and my husband suddenly. Recently the biological mom got in touch with my husband because she would like to meet my stepdaughter and get to know her. We are leaving it up to my stepdaughter. However, some other information came to light from the biological mom. A friend of the biological mom dated my husband after the biological mom walked out, and this woman is now known by my stepdaughter as āmom.ā We found out that the āmomā actually pushed the biological mom out of the picture by lying to her about my husband. Then when the biological mom tried to come back into the image to be a mom to my stepdaughter, the āmomā told her no telling the biological mom that my husband would take my stepdaughter away from her and that he didnāt want her to be around him or my stepdaughter. This was not true at all. All my husband has ever wanted was for the biological mom to step up and be a parent to their daughter. He assumed she didnāt want to because the āmomā never told him the biological mom was trying to come back. My stepdaughter is 12, and she has put the āmomā on a pedestal, and according to her, the āmomā can do no wrong. We have no idea how to handle this situation. My husband has full custody of my stepdaughter. The biological mom had her rights taken away when my stepdaughter was little, and the āmomā has never had rights to her. My husband feels that the āmomā has manipulated everyone, including my stepdaughter, and he feels that my stepdaughter deserves better than to have someone around who is willing to manipulate everyone to get what they want. The hard part is that with my stepdaughter putting the āmomā on a pedestal, we know that she will not handle this well, and she will see us as the bad guys, but he feels itās what is best for her. We need some advice on how to handle this, and please, no rude comments. We are doing our best to do whatās right here and protect an innocent child.
The whole family needs counseling. Seriously.
Get her and you guys into counseling and family counseling to help with the situation.
Try planning lots of fun things to do after school and weekends. Zooās, Museums, travel, the parks, lakes, hikes. Ask her straight out what she would like to do and give her advice if she wants to take it. Help her out weigh her options.
Iām not sure if a twelve year old is mature enough to handle this situation by choice. I definitely would look into counseling.
How often does āmomā see her? Has this information that came to light been discussed with āmomā? If she has no rights, He should put her in her place and still leave this up to the stepdaughter. She should not be put in a situation where āmomā can taint her anymore that she apparently already has and poison the well even more against her biological mom.
If she isnāt ready or is never ready, then that should be up to her. But āmomā needs to start stepping back. Or you need to start stepping back from her.
Counseling for baby girl should be the first thing done.
This was very confusing to read
Huh?? Therapists all around.
First step, she needs counseling; entire family may benefit from some family counseling as well down the road; as hard as it may be, do not speak bad about āmomāā¦ maybe slowly introduce ābio momā into the picture (if counselor agrees)ā¦ maybe have her over for dinner? Family game nights eventuallyā¦ to get them to know each otherā¦ donāt push. Donāt rush. Will need to be slow and steadyā¦ assuming sheās open to itā¦ āmomā needs to be phased out of the picture IMOā¦ at least all supervised so she can no longer fill the young girls head with liesā¦
This was really hard to understand. So youāre stepmom, currently married to dad, theres another stepmom she calls mom, then her mom who left when she was a baby? Iām so lost. How did other step mom make mom leave? Why didnt mom ever contact dad? This is just an odd situation
If your husband only dated the āmom,ā how is she has stayed around, and, is still around? Its a mess. Your husband allowed a woman, kinda nutty, to be around his daughter after her biological mother abandoned her. She attached to āmom,ā because her Dad did not set clear oundaries. So your daughter is aytavhed to a manipulator and is rejecting her biological mother out of anger and confusion. She needs therapy, and eill for wuite some time, but the adults all need to be in individual therepy to strsogjten out the mess they have created. Do not tske the daughtet into family therapy until the adults have all rdtablished transpsrent and healthy boundsries. Good luck.
Do whatās right no matter how hard it is. Go to family counseling and individual counseling. āMomā needs to go and her mother needs to step up and be there. If any of what you heard is true, you canāt ever tell these days. Iām sorry but no one is going to force me out of my childās life without taking a bullet to the head, I donāt believe you are getting the truth from bio mom.
Sorry for all the electronic typos.
Cut the fake mom out of the picture. Because really she is and should be nothing to her. 
But SD probably needs to see someone due to clearly what this fakemommy did to her.
I cant understand this so what chance does a 12 year old have of understanding.
Iām sorry, how does the biological mother allow some āfriendā to push her out of her own childās life. Cut her out of the picture bc sheās obviously toxic, sheās nothing to the child and has no legal rights. The child needs therapy ASAP, actually the whole family needs therapy.
Someone needs to edit these questions. How bizarre. Father needs to do whatās right because he really dropped the ball.
Find a good therapist, all of this is alot I can only imagine what kind of s+^Ć is going through your 12yrs daughter head. As for āmomā all contact should be cut off (block her on all social media, email, text & phone calls). Slowly introduce bio mom. Like dad sets up an accidental bump in (mall, library, coffee shop) just an introduction if it isnāt completely awkward maybe a short conversation. Let daughter process it, talk it over with her therapist & be open for her to come to either of you. If she wants to see bio again great if not she can contact her when she is ready.
I donāt think any if us on here are qualified to give you any advice, unless one is a child psychologist. This is a sticky situation. Definitely see someone to advise you. Good luck.
Sorry sheās 12. She shouldnāt be left to make these types of decisions. Thatās too much for an adult to handle. Get her into to counseling now. Mom walked out to begin with she doesnāt get the right to have that relationship. But thatās just my opinion
If the real mom wanted to be there for her she would have taken the appropriate actions to do so. So āmomā may have been protecting her daughter. If she thinks highly of her mom then leave it alone. She walked out. Didnt take appropriate measures to regain her.
Tell the āmomā to step back so she can know her real mom. This is an adult problem that a 12 year old shouldnāt have to decide on.
Uhh I hope āmomā isnāt in the picture in any way and that biological mom is at least getting a chance
Get her into councelling, they help with coping skills for anxiety and depression and will give her a way to vent.
12 is a very stressful age to make those decisions. Ask her if sheād rather deal with this another few years. Her choice but yāall gotta help her not get hurt. My bio mom was ehā¦ Crazy I tried suicide at 13 overwhelmed with mixed feelings.
Please take her to a very good psychologist! ASAP ! This child needs some serious help and sadly , we as parents arenāt educated enough to help her fully . She will need your support and her dads , as well . Do not ask her what the therapist and she discuss . She needs someone neutral to talk to . I am also a mom who made her kids get help when they needed . As adults , I believe they would tell you they are better off for it . She will most likely refuse to go . So , what I did was put my kids in the car and told them we were going somewhere and then I took them to the therapist . Afterwards , we usually went to lunch and then back to school . They all turned out great inspite of what they went through . Good luck !
Let the bio mom tell her all about it. Iām sure it will come up in conversation at some point
Please donāt tell your step daughter any of this
What a mess these adults created!
Ok, if you cant handle it what makes you think fb will? Go to a professional. The kid needs therapy. Maybe some group sessions with family. Talk to the child, not strangers with google.
Get her in therapy asap maybe the (mom) person has been cousin all the depressed and cutting behavior get her in therapy and find out what the (mom) person has been up to something not right
I would look into some family counselling for you, your husband and your step-daughter. Not just to deal with your step-daughters possible anxiety issues but also to have a safe space to tell her this new information with a professional to help you deal with the potential fallout. Best of luck
Erase the extra revelant mom. And then put the girl in therapy why are you going to let some adult manipulate this child
If sheās been cutting herself and you suspect anxiety and depression, you need to get her some help. Make an appointment with her pediatrician and get a referral for a psychiatrist. She may need medication and definitely needs therapy. Please donāt delay.
I would talk to a therapist about this first and then if they feel she needs therapy, then go from there, but no matter what she does need to know the truth on all levels no matter what or how she feels. It will be tough but in the end it maybe the best thing. but start with a therapist first and get their opinionsā¦
Tell your step daughter the truth about the situation. My mom did something like this against my dad. Even went as far as passing off sent presents as her own. I was enlightened when I turned 18. Wish I had more time with him
Get a restraint order against the āfake momā
The real mom needs to start comeimg around a little every week. Dont bad mouth the āfake momā change ur phone numbers and if step daughter trys to contact āfake momā fake mom can go to jail if she responds. As for the cutting dont put her in treatment but do see a shrink and also try family therapy. But dont let the kid go alone with the mom yall dont know her
Iāve been in the situation of bio mom being the favorite but she came and went. I was the bad guy because I made them brush teeth and go to school and eat veggies and have rules. She was the fun one. But they finally became older and saw through her bullshit. Now they see who really cares about them. Weāre much closer Iām Mom. You just got to hang in there and pray alot. You all gotta be consistent in both homes. I recommend a family counselor to work with you all on a plan. Stick to it cause kids are great about playing parents against each other. You must communicate !
I have never been in that situation, but I know it has to be stressful and upsetting for you and your husband. Prayers for yall to get through this 
She is old enough to know the whole truth. But I donāt believe BM one bit. if she really wanted in her childās life then she never would have left. No one can say anything to me to make me want to leave any of my children.
I agree with others counseling is needed. The poor child has been manipulated and abandoned. No matter how it happened it still happened. Those wounds will be there no matter if mom was lied to. It doesnāt matter the harm is there.
Family counseling all together and a counselor to talk to your bonus daughter individually.
Make sure every thing that was said and done is the complete truth you never know whos lieing and who isnt
Get into counseling
Cutting is not good
If she is cutting herself she needs to be seeing a counselor and she underlining issues.
Good lord you lost me on the step mom verses the mom verses the step mom whew too many moms lol
And get that girl into counseling
Your husband needs to put the mom on her place then the 3 if bio mom you and husband need a long private meeting about how best to handle this start with a slow reintroduction
Find her a good therapistā¦especially since shes already got a history of cuttingā¦she needs to have professional help.