I was just wondering if I could get some advice from others in a similar situation?

My partner is on the autism spectrum (high functioning) and sometimes has a difficult time when it comes to communication especially towards me & the children at times.

For example this morning our 5yo child with sensory needs was having a meltdown over the fact he(the dad) had changed the wheels on her toy skateboard (small hand toy) and wanted them changed back dad didn’t want to change them back or take the mini tools with him on the school walk in case they got lost…resulted in them both having a meltdown and her being late for school I told him just to change them back so that we could have a smooth, transfer to school instead of them both kicking off.

He is the same with oldest 6 over the laptop the inlaws gave her (after I asked them all not to they still went ahead and gave it her weeks later she’s kicking off with him as he will not let her use it at times as it hasn’t got a plug-in mouse or she moves around on it to much an he turns into a nervous wreck thinking she’s going to crash the laptop…

Is this typical normal behaviour being on the spectrum and the need of control over stuff?
It gives me a headache trying to keep everyone happy and it always leads to it being him having an issue with one of us 3 or the dog but I’m not sure if he’s doing it to be spiteful or if he Generally struggles with it all?

30 Likes

Help a mama out and respond anonymously on our forum. I was just wondering if I could get some advice from others in a similar situation?

Uhm it sounds like he’s being a parent and setting boundaries and saying no. Meanwhile, you are undermining his authority as their father and wanting him to do whatever they want to avoid conflict. He isn’t the one with an issue here, you are.

56 Likes

It’s an anxiety reaction with the laptop. Focusing on something bad…and then hyper focusing.
As for the wheels, stop interveneing. Her dad said No. That’s that. You can’t undermine him to make life “easy”. Kids need boundaries and to learn life isn’t always about what they want. Stop disrespecting his authority like that.
I really do suggest cognitive therapy for all of you. You’ll learn how to avoid triggers, they’ll learn how to react in a healthier manner. :heart:
You are nicer than me bc if they gave my child a computer after I said No, it would be put up. That’s just rude to do.

Yes, it’s totally normal behaviour. You have to calmly tell him over and over

But I wouldn’t give in to the children either for a happy life.

Explain to them WHY he doesn’t want to carry tools or oldest to use the laptop right now. I’d there are meltdowns over skateboard: “You were told no, now you can either keep it the way it is or the skateboard goes into timeout on a shelf (she can’t reach)”

Back him up when it’s reasonable to do so

16 Likes

Sounds like hes just being a parent and setting rules or putting his foot down. I wouldn’t change the tire either bc they were throwing a fit they can sit in the corner and get over it. Not going to throw a fit to get what you want. Also a lap top isnt cheap, I dont blame him for making her sit in one spot with it. Sounds like you give into whatever they want…which is the problem

32 Likes

Yes very very normal.

Everyone needs Thearpy ASAP

3 Likes

I have 6year old twin boys that have autism and both have very different autism traits one has the melt downs over certain things and always looks in a different direction when I’m talking to him and its like he doesn’t hear me he also flaps his arms a-lot. the other wants constant reassurance about certain things and hides certain toys or an object of his he doesn’t like other people touching and when I say hide we can never find his hiding spots so I know certain autistic behaviors depends on the person and their personality and I could be wrong but I’m pretty sure melt downs are common with autism but you have to be calm with them when they are having one or it just makes the situation worse.

3 Likes

Your husband is parenting and setting boundaries for your children. You should be supportive, not undermine him at every turn . You are just encouraging their bad behaviour.

22 Likes

My friend’s son is Autistic and at times his need for control gets out of hand and he becomes aggressive unnecessarily.

2 Likes

No advice, just want to say you are a very strong womam coping with al of that❤

5 Likes

Nope… agree with dad!The parts could have gotten lost. Also… we don’t always get what we want when we want it! Quit giving your kids their way all the time to avoid conflicts. Bad choice!

15 Likes

Just because he is autistic doesn’t mean he isn’t doing things correctly. He is setting a boundary and you are letting him know you don’t respect him when you try to break that boundary. This is not control it’s parenting. You just said you didn’t want a laptop for her but your in laws gave it to her anyway. If that were my child and I didn’t want something like that, she wouldn’t have it.

22 Likes

Tough situation for sure. If I may, the use of high functioning autism is not an appropriate term, as it places a hierarchy on autistic people, which sounds like is the case in this scenario. While you’re understanding of your child’s needs, it doesn’t sound like you are of your partner, possibly due to the term “high functioning autism”. It sounds like they both struggle with transitions, etc. Helping your partner redirect your child and/or helping your child learn that the wheels were changed well before leaving for school may be helpful for problem-solving when not in a rush.

5 Likes

I don’t think you are undermining him. I think people are too quick to judge. It seems he is trying to set boundaries, which is normal parenting. But I would think he gets a bit overwhelmed with small things… like another said, you’re a very strong woman. And you deserve props, not criticism. It does seem like how quick he is to react, is probably because he is on the spectrum. And I think it’s okay if you give in to small things just to try to keep your daily sanity. We all do at times :heart:. I think maybe he takes it personally whenever you try to calm them all. Like for example, with the skateboard wheels, you didn’t want problems to start, so you told him to just change them. He could feel like you were agreeing with the children, going against him, maybe that’s what made him overwhelmed. When in reality you just wanted a good day for everyone. I would try to start going with what he says, but without letting him get emotional about it. Like, if he tells your kid she can’t be on the laptop, you can agree and go along with it, but if he starts acting out, because the kid is upset that y’all said no, maybe try telling him “listen, there’s no need to get upset, they will get over it, they know we both said no, and if we can’t control our emotions, they can’t either” I would just find a way to let him feel like you’re kind of on his side (if he feels like you’re not) and instead of calming him down, reassure him that adults controlling their emotions is the only way for a child to learn to control their emotions, and the more we act out, the more they will too. Maybe giving him a reason to be calm can help. Especially with people on the spectrum, it’s challenging for them to keep calm about things. They may be small things to us, but those little things are a big deal to them. So if calming him down about small things isn’t an option, give him a reason that’ll make him want to hold his self together a little better, and hopefully it will start to realize the effects it can have, and that’ll help him to breathe first.

7 Likes

I have a house full of spectrum people. What NT people process as normal, ND people do not. So he may not be fully grasping the perspective of the child. When ND people are trying to maintain the schedule in their adult brain, we lose sight of the main reason we have the schedule in the first place. In those moments we need someone brave enough to make us take a moment. Breathe. Step away from the tension. It takes seconds to change the course by trying to calm yourself actively in front of both of them. Or be what you would need in those moments of stress and anxiety. Autistic people approach situations with full blown panic. Like a body having a panic attack and a brain dealing with frustration. But we feel that way when our kid isn’t cooperating to stick to the schedule or routine. So it sucks and we know this, but in that moment, logic is out the door. We are both children if we can’t center our calm. :heart:

3 Likes

There is a type of therapy that is for ppl on the spectrum. They both might benefit from it.

1 Like

Sounds like normal parenting and nothing to do with him being autistic.

9 Likes

Setting boundaries is also just a part of parenting. Melting down over kids being kids could be part of autistic behavior.
It could just be normal parent overwhelm though.

I try to be flexible with my kids to a point, but I’ve also experienced that “give them an inch and they take a mile” scenario…which is kind of hard to get out of.

3 Likes

Not only normal for an autistic person but for any household. You can do more, by stepping in sooner. Point out that the laptop crashing is NOT the end of the world and can be reset. Help him work it out in advance so he can help them work it out. As I am sure you are aware it take an autistic person gets about twice as upset, and takes about 4 times as long to calm down. So head it off and help both with their coping skills.

3 Likes

Confiscate the laptop if it is stressing everyone out. That’s the only thing I can even begin to think of for this one. But don’t forget you’re doing great mama, you got this!

1 Like

Help a mama out and respond anonymously on our forum. I was just wondering if I could get some advice from others in a similar situation?

Yes I would say it’s normal and some time it’s hard to be rational, I also have high functioning ASD, and things have to be done a certain way, things have to be put back in thier spot, I have to clean the house in a certain way, I have to cook in a certain way. And although my partner has every right to do things in a way he wants… it feels like my
Insides are being scratched out because “it’s not right” to me. Just because we appear normal on the out side dosnt mean it’s hurting us or we arnt struggling on the inside and yes eventually it all comes to blows with either a shutdown or a meltdown :woman_shrugging:t2:

1 Like

yes this is very typical, my daughter has autism and its her need to control a situation that causes most issues. its hard to forget that even though they’re an adult you assume they can just be “the bigger person” in situations like this however they have autism just like they did as a kid, that hasn’t changed so their desires due to the autism hasn’t either.

I’m high functioning autistic and also have bpd. I’m a very controlling person sometimes. Things have to be done my way or I get very upset.

Help a mama out and respond anonymously on our forum. I was just wondering if I could get some advice from others in a similar situation?

If he’s on the spectrum then that’s absolutely normal to need to have control and be unable/have difficulty with things changing without considerable warning. I’d have a chat with him and work out some strategies that will help you both cope :slightly_smiling_face:

6 Likes

Yes , it’s very normal I’m a special education teacher and work with several on the spectrum . I see this a lot in some of the personalities. I tend to work with it and understand it. If it’s something that needs to be addressed then we talk about it and work through it.

1 Like

You need counseling and so does the family. Find one dealing with people on the spectrum. You need some tools to help you cope and husband needs some tools to function even better. Being on the spectrum is no excuse for bad behavior. He is still an adult. I do have some experience with this in the family, and counseling helped.

6 Likes

while this behavior may be normal for him, it is not your job to try to keep everyone happy. i think that you and your husband should have a conversation about him talking with his doctor about some type of anxiety medication to help him to regulate what he’s feeling a little bit better or at the very least, see what his doctor recommends to help both of you try to cope with the strong emotions. you can help him and support him and be there for him but ultimately, it is up to him to be open to trying some different methods or ideas for coping with his emotions. you deserve peace too and you can’t always be the person holding everyone in the family together. you need to find a way to still be able to work as a team to parent the children and help THEM through their emotions as well. but you can’t be all on your own trying to take care of everyone all the time because that’s not fair to you either. you could also do some more research into autism and try to figure out for yourself what ways are helpful to cope with things and how to be a better support for him. but everything still should not fall on you all the time. sending lots of good vibes to you and your family, if you’re willing to work together to find a solution to better help you work through different situations, i think things will become a little bit easier for everyone.

8 Likes

Yep. My son is on the spectrum. It’s normal to feel the need to control, hate change, to be very protective of objects they see as theirs, also very heightened emotions. You can speak with his doctor and check about different therapies for the whole family. And I’d recommend looking into resources online or in your community for family members of people on the spectrum.

Yep!!!
On the spectrum or not. Parents battle their teens with technology EVERYDAY. Kids throwing fits Bc parents won’t do for them at the exact time they want it done…happens everyday. Just breathe mama. Everyday is not going to go smooth. Just keep breathing and don’t over think it.

1 Like

It is very normal tbh they hate feeling out of control its very stressful, talk him and the kids through what you are doing (this helps my son but dosent prevent melts downs all the time espically if they like particular items) try go around discovering triggers for your husband and the kids, you can always make a compromise, also check locally if theres any help available you can usally find orginasations that run groups with activities and staff who are trained to help others with autisim :blush:

So you have 3 children : yeah it’s normal

8 Likes

absolutely. I have three kids on the spectrum, one high functioning, one about mid to high and one low…everything and anything can set them off tbh. A texture, the temperature, lights, sounds, anything. The girls I find if they get too riled up and there is a lot of activity it can definitely trigger a meltdown and I have to get them to calm down and take a breather. Thankfully, their school does yoga and breathing exercises with all the kids to help them manage and understand their emotions. Now that she is gearing toward puberty its getting a LOT worse unfortunately. A lot of people with autism also have things like anxiety. If he isn’t on something like that, maybe it would be the time to talk to your spouses dr so that he isn’t so overwhelmed. My oldest two have to take forced time outs from each other because with them both being autistic to different levels, each wants to do things a certain way and during certain conditions that they just get overly upset with one another and sometimes the oldest will go after the younger one kinda cruelly. Sometimes you just have to sit limitations to avoid conflict, a lot of it is schedules and sticking to them. They absolutely do NOT do well with change. My oldest doesn’t understand social cues unfortunately, just find a common ground and routine and try to work within those boundaries

2 Likes

Well no matter what , he needs to put his s*** aside and be an adult, Father, and Husband .

3 Likes

H.a.l.t

Hungry
Angry
Lonely
Tired.

Also figure out what the need is behind the behavior.

4 Likes

Tell Dad he needs to chill. Thats her laptop

9 Likes

You have your hands full with your family.

Help a mama out and respond anonymously on our forum. I was just wondering if I could get some advice from others in a similar situation?

Yes it is very normal for a person on the spectrum (I think all of us are, just some way more than others) to have to try and be in control of things. It is part of having emotional issues and anxiety. Call it OCD if you will. It sounds like you definitely have your hands full trying to take care of everyone and their emotional needs. Please remember that it isn’t being selfish if you need to go away from the room for a minute to compose yourself. It can be emotionally exhausting for the person trying to keep it all together for everyone else. You’re doing great. Just make sure to take care of yourself too!:heart:

8 Likes

Very very normal. Everything typically is routine based. Change and acceptance of change or difference in the day to day are huge adjustments.
I highly recommend trying the Autism Reality Experience if ever given the chance

He is generally struggling with it all .set a time when they can do certain play times away from each other and if toys need to be fixed .you fix it. Instead of or go and refill with out him knowing about it. Unfortunately you are the only one in constant control in your house do to all disabilities in the household. If you need to get canceling to you with the stress of dealing with this on a daily,24hr basis.

What the he’ll lady! DO you realize what type of problem you hsve?

1 Like

Yes its very normal.

Autism is not an excuse for poor behavior. Dad said no. Back him up. Explain why. Redirect. Remove the toy in question until another time. Don’t just give in to the tantrum to “make things easier.” They need to know that things are not always going to go their way and that that’s ok.

As for the laptop, she’s 6. Give her boundaries… time limits, a workspace. Nothing dad is doing is unreasonable. It’s called parenting.

And remember, YOU are the parents. If you don’t want your kids to have something - a laptop, a toy, a game, anything - they don’t get it. Put it up til they’re older. Give it back to whomever gave it to them.

My partner learned as an adult that he is on the spectrum. Learning to manage himself plus PTSD, and anxiety with depression episodes is alot to have on one emotional plate, so I can relate. There are an abundance of challenges here. You are not alone in this battle.

I try not to “undermined” him in front of our now 9yo, but I am not always the best at saying, “can we resolve this later, when their not around, or in bed?” It’s hard when you’re in the moment of trying to use gentle parenting, which sounds like more of your method, and your spouse walks in with their opinion even though they don’t know what’s happening in the situation. You try to explain to them, but they keep talking about how they viewed the child’s behavior from a distance, in front of the child. Then you’re frustrated, he’s frustrated, the kid is frustrated. It feels like your not only trying to parent your child, but your spouse as well. It’s draining, and leaves you feeling like you’re in this alone sometimes.
Gentle parenting is not for the faint of heart. Good for you for having patience and kindness for your little ones.

My spouse and I disagreed alot at first about parenting, which wasn’t an option for me. However, learning new methods of parenting, and what works best for your family can be challenging. He never knew what gentle parenting was before he met me. He was raised very authoritative, as was I, and we worked together to teach him why this parenting style is ineffective for many children. Therapy helps us often when we are having troubles communicating. He is also they type of person that from his own experience, he has found that researching on his own in order to further understand a topic or subject, instead of being told or explained, helps him mentally process changes and new information.

For us, we know that yelling and screaming is a trigger for him. No we can’t always avoid that with kids, they can get upset easily because they to are learning to manage their emotions. If I can, I try and deescalate the situation before he may become triggered. I try to remind him how children look for us to be their peace, even when a child’s emotional behavior seems out of hand. If we become overwhelmed it’s best to step away for a moment so we aren’t overreacting and possibly making what is a small event worse.

Often times we make time to all sit together and talk about situations and how they make us feel and what we can do to help each other when we are in need. It helps us listen and learn each other’s needs as we continue to grow as humans young and old. It allows us to communicate better as future situations come.

I hope you and your family continue to find the strength, patience and love you all need and deserve to build your bond. Breathe Mama, you’re doing great! :two_hearts:

Yall have at least a 5 yr old together and you don’t know him by now…? It can be either or, or both or neither depending on his mood.

2 Likes

All extremely normal for spectrum!

3 Likes

I wouldn’t want a 6 year old having a laptop. Also it seems to me you give in to your kids too easily . They need boundaries.

13 Likes

Just like I have to for my children who have SPD and ADHD, I will step in and redirect. Frustration is usually able to diffuse quickly when an escalating situation is diverted. Do what you can to redirect your child, or spouse to diffuse these tense situations.
Talk to your spouse about therapy. There’s a lot of centering techniques that help people who struggle with ASD and SPD. Brushing, rubberband technique, breathing.

3 Likes

Lol the only person/people I see doing wrong and needing to be corrected are the in laws for not listening and giving the laptop anyway. I would give it right back or put it up and say it’s gone or lost.
As to the wheels situation… Me personally I woulda told them both to stop and just taken the car to to deal with when I’m not trying to get my kid out there door…
Mainly because if you just give into your kids they’ll keep wanting their way on everything and when they can’t have it their behaviour changes and they can act out.

7 Likes

You should get her a lap table for the computer so he’s not worried :slight_smile:

2 Likes

Definitely a bad idea to give your kids everything they want, just to avoid conflict. Dad is trying to parent and set boundaries.

16 Likes

Both of my kids are on the spectrum. And I am pretty sure my husband is too. I have no specific advice for your situation. But I feel for you being a care giver for 3 on the spectrum is so difficult and will eventually wear you down. You are not along. :heart:

1 Like

My husband is on the spectrum, high functioning as well. Let me tell you, it’s just like having another high needs kid, except he works and pays bills. However, he fights and argues with the kids just like he’s one of them. Over the years, it’s gotten to where I just handle all things with the kids because he just can not. His brain just doesn’t understand that we don’t live in the 50s anymore and kids don’t just “sit down and shut up.” Yes, he gets therapy but our biggest success has been with ME dealing with the kids. Exhausting for me but the alternative is very infuriating… for the whole family.

Ironically, our son is also on the spectrum… a little less high functioning… and the two of them butt heads the most. You’d think not being as they are the same :woman_facepalming:

Like someone said before, functioning labels are bad and outmoded. I used to be considered “high functioning” but with stress and a ton of trauma over the last 2 yrs, I’m not anymore. Being autistic is just that… being autistic. Sometimes we deal better with life than other times, and how we function has so much to do with what life throws at us. He sounds like he’s doing perfectly fine trying to set boundaries and is running into difficulties with being undermined. Just because he’s an adult doesn’t make being autistic any easier than it is on your child. Still has the same neurology he was born with and nothing will ever change that. Just like having blue eyes or being left handed. It just is.

9 Likes

It’s out of routine and normal for him. Of course it’s going to set him off.

3 Likes

There is a page called Spectrumy ran by an adult with ASD. She has a lot of insight.

3 Likes

Giving into your children’s like that to try and keep the peace is going to cause bigger problems for your family instead of telling your SO to change them I would have said after school we can change them or something you can’t always give into to kids

15 Likes

Stop letting your kids emotions dictate the suitations.

8 Likes

He sound pretty normal to me. You sound like the one with the problem if you insist on giving in to children to keep the peace.

13 Likes

Sounds to me he is being the authority in parenting.

7 Likes

I dont see why him being a parent is considered on a spectrum…If that is being on the spectrum then you need to get on the spectrum and start setting boundaries and disciplining your kids…Just bc kids have autism doesnt mean they have to be babied. Set boundaries and discipline just like would any other kid. Dont make excuses for bad behavior or they will grow up thinking it is ok to act out all the time bc can get away with it.

1 Like

I’m sorry but these 2 examples dont seem like spectrum specific issues they seem like parenting differences. He wants to keep some general rules and you want to give in to the kids when he doesn’t. I’m not saying you’re wrong at all. I’m a firm believer of picking my battles too especially with my son whose on the spectrum. But this doesn’t sound d like he’s too controlling or anything like that. Yes giving into kids is dangerous but when you have the threat a meltdown over something silly like her toy wheels that he changed without her wanting him to, I agree that’s not worth the battle on a school morning. But he doesn’t see it that way. So that’s something you and him will have to talk about. Don’t bring his being on the spectrum into it because it sounds like he’s finding a way to live a healthy life and honestly it isn’t as concerning as you think it is.

4 Likes

I think this is normal behavior regardless of his title or label. Kids push the boundaries and you have to know where to say enough is enough. I think he’s doing that quite perfectly honestly! I myself panic when my kids have their lap tops and aren’t sitting down!! Sounds reasonable though!

2 Likes

He was unreasonable about the skateboard, not the computer.

2 Likes

I know it feels easier to give in but they still need boundaries. We have 2 kiddos 1 is SN and 1 is SN through the school (awaiting more testing). Also the computer should’ve never been given to your child if you didn’t want her to have it. If she can’t be responsible with it then taking it away is the appropriate reaction.

Sounds like he’s just being a normal parent and you expect him to cater to your daughter the same as you do. You give in to her to keep the peace by the sounds of it, be careful you might be creating a spoilt brat. I don’t think sensory is a good enough excuse to let her constantly get her own way. I have sensory issues and so does my eldest son.

1 Like

As a parent with high functioning autism. The best options to keep everyone sane is having a schedule and everyone having thier own space. My anxiety is high which is a side effect of my autism. When my kids play on my computer which isnt often they r required to sit at a desk or table with a chair so that the computer doesnt move when they fidget (thier tablet have shock proof cases and they only charge in my possession so if they die they die and dont get them back til they give it to me to charge) fidget toys (as with the skate board) stay in thier possession and I dont screw with them (it stops a meltdown in the process which will set mine off) if they lose it (ie they dont know where it is or left is some place) they have 2 weeks to find it before I’ll even consider replacing it

First of all, HE is the parent. Stop undermining him. You’re teaching the kids its ok to mot listen to their parents. Stop it.

2 Likes

Autism Inclusivity is a great Facebook group to ask questions from other adult autistics who may have more insight for you!

1 Like

These two examples your provided are not very good examples of what you’re trying to prove. What hes doing in these two situations is called being a PARENT and you ma’am are undermining him. His autism doesn’t have anything to do with the fact unless he is having a full blown meltdown along with them children and in this case I wouldn’t blame him. I can’t stand when spouse do that to each other. I ask you this, do you deem him incapable of parenting just because he is autistic? If so, you are so wrong.

1 Like

I think I understand what you were trying to express. It’s not that he’s “setting boundaries” as much as he’s completely freaking out over these small things, the kids have a freakout for the opposite reason, and you’re left picking up the pieces of both meltdowns.

The answer is yes, that is a common occurrence in a home with ASD parents and children. For a lot of us Millennials there were no resources for our parents to get us diagnosed and treated, so we picked up what coping mechanisms we could along the way. Children mess all that up.

I’d recommend getting him a good therapist who works with adult ASD. Bonus if you can find one who will treat the whole family. :heart:

1 Like

You all are acting normal for the situation. When they have meltdowns, if you can’t soothe them and the little ones are safe, from their surrounds, tell them I’ll be in whatever room until you can calm down and leave. Yes we need to support our loved ones on the spectrum but it’s no good if your a mess from stress. Don’t forget to take care of you. :heartbeat:

Never disagree in front of the kids. It’s disrespectful even if he is autistic. They will treat him bad and make things worse.

Ask him if maybe you should ask permit from the kids before fixing their toys even though he thought it was the best for her.

He was correct about the computer and needs you to stand by him.

Kids play on their parents. I’ve helped raise 5. They always play them against each other.
I always told mine let me talk to Dad. When they would ask to go places. There were also times I would say yes if dad agreed. Otherwise No. Always be firm with the kids. Don’t let them cry and change your mind. God bless.

Unfortunately it’s normal for those on the spectrum to need control, hate change, and not want to share their own belongings… sometimes talking to them to explain why we do certain things certain ways will help however usually it’s easier to just give them their way as long as it’s safe, and not hurting anyone else or themselves. My daughter has to see a counselor to help her with coping skills for things we can’t control such as school.

6 Likes

I think he was right not putting the wheels back on and giving in. Whether he is on the spectrum or not, he is a parent and they need to listen. This is a family issue, not him.

4 Likes

You have a developmentally disabled husband. Yes. All of this is normal. I worked with dd adults for a very long time. He needs routine, structure, and consistency to prevent meltdowns. Thats all hard to do with children involved. Lots of conversations leading up to a change would be helpful. And I mean weeks of reminders and conversations prior to it.

3 Likes

It is very normal…my husband is autistic and was medicated years ago but over time he learned how to control it so he no longer needs the medication and joined the army in 2007…he does have some days where it shows more than others but i am able to address it with him and we work through it without a meltdown which is awesome…my 10 year old is autistic as well and is adhd with impulsive anger and is in therapy amd on meds so we help him more with his meltdowns and help him understand that it is ok to be angry it is how we deal with it that matters

1 Like

He does not have control over himself and is trying to find control in life. I feel bad for him. Sounds like he’s just trying to do the right thing and he is being punished for it.

2 Likes

Am I the only one who thinks children need to listen to their parents?

3 Likes

My SO has aspergers and our nearly 5yr old son is mid-high autistic, luckily for us I’m bi-polar with social anxiety, my SO struggles to understand other people’s emotions and our son struggles to explain his whereas I’ve gotten very good at explaining my own emotions and reading why other people act the way they do, I’ve had to have plenty of conversations where I’ve had to sit there and say “son acted like … because he’s feeling … and he’s feeling that way because …” and vice versa, you’ll get there x

Oh it completely normal. My 18 month old and fiance battle it out all the time (we think she may have some sensory issues or disabilities) and he gets overwhelmed so easily. Nothing really fixes it he might be able to go to therapy to try to find coping skills but that’s about it. I find they feel like their life is so out of control so the things that we find small and insignificant like why can’t you just change the skate board tires back? Is a lot bigger for them which neurologicals just will never understand. Something as small as making the wrong snack can just ruin their whole day.

It is normal for individuals on the spectrum to want their things as they had them. Id tell hubs to leave their stuff alone and not change things unless they ask. And for the laptop, if it is elevating anxiety, it would dissappear while they were at school. Just bc inlaws went against your wishes and got it, doesn’t mean they have to have it. Lastly, its a mothers instinct to want to keep everyone happy, but that’s impossible. Sometimes there’s lesson in these mishaps for everyone. Just do your best and understand tears and fits will come. Take a break and revisit the situation so you can handle it with as much calmness and grace as possible. Keep in mind their brains tick a little different than yours, so try to have understanding, even if you don’t really understand.

This absolutely sounds like expected behavior for someone on the spectrum.

You are certainly the meat in the sandwich.

What’s going on with the dog?

Most of the time people with autism don’t recognize social queues. I doubt any of the are being spiteful. Being in control gives anyone a sense of… Control. Thats why there is a lot of repitition. You won’t always be able to avoid triggers. My brother is low functioning autistic. Loud noise is a trigger. And he wants what he wants when he wants it or someone is going to pay. There is no reasoning with him because he is developmentally the same as a 1 year old. I suggest you reach out to your county board of developmental disabilities and find yourself some support services or even some guidance on handing or desculating trigger situations.

I’m on the autism spectrum, high functioning, but barely high functioning enough to make it through high school, I had amazing grades and test scores, but being there caused a lot of meltdowns, and because I was not properly diagnosed, I struggled so hard and had no idea why. My husband is also high functioning and on the spectrum, as are all of our 7 children, and he had the same experience in school. Now, as a high functioning person on the spectrum, he absolutely should get professional help to learn how to cope, because as parents, we still have to be able to be the parent, to keep calm and reason and use logic. When our kids are struggling, our job, as parents, is to deescalate the situation, and bring calmness and comfort, we can’t do that if we’ve never learned how to cope with sensory overload and meltdowns and everything that comes with being in the spectrum. I managed to learn that as a young adult, especially after having kids, but it was so, so hard. We won’t be able to diffuse the situation, and ourselves every single time, that’s unrealistic, but it’s necessary to take the proper steps when you’re on the spectrum so that our children get the best parents that they can have.

I’m on the spectrum. The need for control is normal but meltdowns around the kids are not. I have two of my own. If I get overwhelmed or angry, I take a deep breath and walk away for a couple minutes (i just go to another room for about 5 minutes until I’m calm). He needs to seek therapy to help him manage. Big feelings are rough, but he can learn how to better manage, especially with the children as they’re in their formative years and will learn behaviors from you guys

3 Likes

He isn’t doing it to be a dick just to be a dick. That’s all very common behavior for on spectrum. He’s not going to grow out of it or just change so it’s something you need to figure out how to sooth meltdowns of your child and how he copes best and be sure you’re there to help.

Yes, this is typical, normal being on the spectrum and, unfortunately, may to some degree out of his control, or more precisely, less in his control than a neurotypical would be.

Yes he’s really struggling with this and it’s possible he may always.

If you haven’t, educate yourself on autism as much as possible. This will help you understand him and thus decipher his motivations for doing what he does in the future. Our motivations are often grossly misjudged by neurotypicals.

Your kids are spoiled brats and he’s on the spectrum. Give him a break already. You better get a grip with then kids or you’re really gonna have issues. Be a parent ffs

This happens in my house every day. My husband is autistic, high functioning, my 14 year old is as well but slightly lower on the function level. I also have a two year old, bonus I’m autistic as well, high functioning. We are a crazy bunch and as you may not know girls often have different functioning issues than boys, so while I tend to understand their needs they often do not understand mine. Patients love and a lot of counseling is what I suggest. We are sometimes hard to deal with on a personal level but we’re worth the effort! Seriously counseling!

4 Likes

Yes, it’s very normal. My brother (also high-functioning) has told me several times that he knows there are parts of him that are different, so for him to cope with that he tries to control as much as he can…but it’s also a coping mechanism for anxiety. Just try to keep the peace as much as you can and keep the environment as calm as possible.

Very normal my husband is on the spectrum too and went through the same thing. It was very hard to deal with until I realized it was how he was wired. Then we came up with strategies to deal with situations before they became situations. Ie making lists preparing ahead of time for things

My husband is autistic, I have ADHD. I completely feel you with this!

Sounds like my house on a normal day !