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QUESTION:
"Maybe it’s baby blues or I’m just a whiny brat… but my bf of 5 years just proposed to me last night. And I didn’t feel anything exciting about it, it was cute in a way, but I didn’t take it seriously. It kind of upset me, honestly… I obviously hid that emotion and went along with it. He’s just never gifted me anything, ever. I don’t expect much, but even the slightest effort I would appreciate for gifts, a cute card, small items… nothing crazy. But I get nothing. I’ve voiced my feelings about it over time, especially after the 2nd year of no effort and it just starts arguments, mainly about income. But like I said, I don’t expect anything crazy! I always buy him gifts, even when I say I’m done til it’s reciprocated… I catch him bringing up times he bought his ex-expensive bags and anything else she wanted. I mentioned it recently, asked him why I don’t get that same effort, and his reply was, "because you’re different. You actually like to do things outdoors " like wtf does that mean?! Why does that matter?! I just feel like it’s not fair to just give me a ring the way he did just because it was Valentine’s day, and he didn’t get me anything. I knew I wasn’t getting anything; I’m used to it at this point. I’d like to think I’ve given up waiting for something… but once the posts start rolling in and that’s all you see! I can’t help but envy everyone that posts about what they get for Xmas, birthdays, and Valentine’s day; it just makes me feel like shit. Then there I am, hiding my feelings till everything dies down. It also bothers me how this ring has some obvious wear on it, so it’s been sitting in the back of my mind that it’s the same one he gave his kids mom from when he proposed to her. I jokingly asked him this, and he laughed and said no. Like, did he really only propose because he had no simple Valentine gift for me… I feel pathetic right now. I don’t even want anyone to know about last night!"
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TOP ANSWERS (AS SELECTED BY MODERATOR):
The following top answers have been selected by a moderator from hundreds of responses to the original question.
"Maybe his last gf was materialistic and he doesnt think you are? By saying you like to do things outdoors like maybe you two have more in common and doing things together is better than him just buying you things. I would rather time with my hubby than gifts. Talk to him about it"
"You obviously don’t love him like you think honestly. You should sit back and think hard about this."
"Hiding your feelings is part of the problem. A little communication goes a long way. No one knows how you feel if you don’t tell them that certain things bother you."
"This is something that should be communicated with him, dies he know you like gifts here and there? Does he know you wouldn’t mind having plans on Valentine’s Day and stuff? I think if he knew then maybe he would put in the effort. My hunny and I have been together for 6 years and he still does things like this for me but that’s because he knew how much I adored little things. I would say you need to take a step back and reflect on your relationship, like he proposed and you felt nothing…???"
"You need to figure out what is important to you and what you are willing to deal with and aren’t. Hubby and I don’t give each other gifts. It just isn’t important to either of us. For V day, I bought strawberries and chocolate (because I work at the store) and he made chocolate covered strawberries for me. Does he show you he loves you in other ways? It really is a matter of you deciding to be happy with what he does do or not. You likely won’t change him, so you need to change your mindset on things or leave and find someone who does the gifts and things you want."
"Doesn’t really sound like you want to marry him, ring or not"
"Stop hiding your feelings and he doesn’t sound like he’s the one for u"
"If you’re already miserable why marry him?"
"Sounds like you have different love languages which can be hard on a relationship. One of your top ones is giving gifts that’s a good way you feel love… he might be different he might prefer quality time (doing things together) or acts of service (doing something to help you). See if he’s communicating his love through another method. If you see no love languages through his actions towards you it might be time to leave or go to couples therapy"
"Don’t marry him until you have this sorted out. He may have felt like he had to buy her love and doesn’t feel that way with you, but you should let him know these gestures are really important to you for long term happiness. Talk to him about the ring, don’t accept it if you are 100% sure and tell him to propose later on, with a different ring after these issues are resolved."
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