Ideas on how to help my son's behavior

My son has recently turned 5 recently and his behaviour is starting to get bad, he constantly doesn't listen, talks back but recently he's been throwing tantrums where he is crying, throwing himself on the floor, putting his weight down so I can't lift him (he's big for 5,tall and stocky). He's doing this at home, school and now outside. I met my friend of many years in a cafe and he literally embarrassed me all because I told him to sit down at the table. How do I stop this behaviour for escalating or stopping full stop. I have a 2 year old who is waiting to be assessed for autism so I know he takes alot of my time, I try and do things with my oldest as much as I can i just don't know what to do anymore.. I tried a reward chart, time out(naughty step), being sent to his room, having toys removed but nothing is working.. Anyone help a mama out please and thanks
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Help a mama out and respond anonymously on our forum. Ideas on how to help my son's behavior

If you can’t beat em , join em! When he’s down on the ground having a tantrum lay down beside him and do it too. Works for me :woman_shrugging::joy:

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Maybe ask him to try to use his words about what he’s feeling to make him break down like that? That might be some insight to if he’s actually just throwing a fit to get what he wants, or if he’s having inner turmoil you might be able to help smooth out?

Kids thrive on schedules, I learned that a hard way. I think if they have a routine, it goes better for them. Try it, if you go out tell them ahead of time. Some kinds hate surprises. In school they have routines. It’s hard at first but after awhile it helps a lot.

Maybe try some soft parenting- if his always yelling and lashing out maybe he just needs some soft parenting.

Why is he throwing tantrums
Acknowledge how his feeling- rather then yelling at him etc.

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When my 5 year old throws a fit, I walk away. She gets over it in about 2 seconds because I am not paying any attention to that behavior. Then she comes to me and we talk about what is wrong. She went from throwing at least 5 fits a day to about 1 a week.

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With everything going on with the 2 y/o it sounds like he wants your attention. Right now he’s having tantrums to get it. But keep at rewarding/praising good behaviors and just as best you can ignore the bad behaviors. If it’s not hurting himself or others just walk away. Find time time to spend with just him.

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Have you had him checked for defiance disorder or adhd?

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You might have to spank. I said i was never gonna spank and then i had kids they are twins and everything didnt work for my son. He would laugh at you when you told him no. I started spanking and telling him why. Then i would tell him i dont like this behavior tell him he needs to stop. Tell him i was gonna spank if he didnt stop it then was his decision if he wanted a spanking. When he was calm i would talk to him and ask him why he acted that way and what we can do instead of acting out. Hes almost 13 now.

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Try putting a belt on his ass.

when either of my children act out I’ve learned it’s because they need more attention, more mummy time…If they feel like their sibling is getting more mama love or attention than they are they act out…I tell them their allowed to feel the way they do…and their feelings matter…then I ask them outright if they want attention …with your son , try getting down to his eye level and let him express how he’s feeling by asking him…don’t react the way he expects you too…don’t be embarrassed every parent has experienced it at one time or another…be kind to yourself…:slight_smile:

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Instead of taking things away for bad behavior maybe try making him earn things with good behavior instead. Not just “rewards” but his privileges as well.

It’s called a token economy system.
Sit down make a list of all the behaviors you want to see.
Then make a list of his privileges as well as some rewards for extra good days.
Then figure out how many tokens the good behavior is worth and how many tokens each privilege and reward will cost.

The consequences are essentially the same.
If he doesn’t demonstrate good behavior he won’t have enough tokens to earn the privileges.
But it’s a totally different phrasing which makes it feel more positive than negative.

When kids attention seek it’s not always a conscious thing but more subconscious.
So to deal with that…you have to reach the subconscious part of their brain.
Ignore what you can and even if it’s something you can’t ignore definitely don’t react emotionally in front of him.
If your kiddo knows he’s getting a reaction from you he’s likely going to continue the behavior or even escalate it.
Then when he demonstrates behavior you want to see give him extra attention.
If he’s sitting nicely. Stop your conversation for a few seconds to praise him.
If he’s being quiet while you’re talking on the phone…pause the conversation for a few minutes and praise him.
Really play it up.

In addition to all this…while it’s entirely possible this is a reaction to your 2 year olds issues and the attention he receives… If your 2 year old is being assessed for autism, then I would maybe talk to your 5 year olds doctor if his behavior continues or escalates. There are genetic components for these types of things.
So it’s possible that your 5 year old could have autism or ADHD or something else and this behavior is actually symptomatic.
My oldest was diagnosed with ADHD at 5…but wasn’t diagnosed with autism until he was almost 7.
The symptoms had always been there but they were…hidden by his age and by him having ADHD. He didn’t fall out of age-range appropriate behavior until almost 5. Once meds were started, he didn’t fall out of age range appropriate behavior again until 7.

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If one is being assessed for autism - it may be worth getting the other assessed as well.

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I agree with the comment on throwing a fit your self. It shocked my kids the first time I did it.
He is small and has big feelings. I would look for possible triggers as to why or when he acts this way. What is happening in the moments leading to it. Is something going on at school? How long has this been happening? Has anything drastically changed right before this behavior started.
Try sitting with him in calm moments to talk about what is making him feel upset.

I just step over them and act like I don’t see a thing and when there done I ask them ok now what is it…I don’t feed into fits…

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Does the 2 year old get most of the attention? Do you tempt to have 1 on 1 days/time with the 5 year old?

When he is throwing these tantrums, do you scream at him in the process? Or do you tempt to softly talk to him, let him know everything is ok, and try to understand why he is upset?!

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He could also have autism. That sounds like an autistic melt down. Autism is a spectrum so it looks different for everyone. Also it does run in families. My husband is autistic and so is my son.

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Dont be so hard on the behavior maybe try rewarding the good behavior.if you ask and he does what he is told have him start filling a jar with something.could be cotton balls etc.when he does something without all the other give him one.to put in the jar once its full give him something bigger like a movie night.everytime he chooses to be good reward and praise.wow im so proud of you gor picking up your toys you were so good in the store etc.

Honestly I’m convinced 5 is worse then terrible twos or any other bad age they mention. My others have went through it too. My 6 yr old just came out of it for my son who turned 5 in August to start in. They push boundaries and limits. They want to know what they can get away with and how far they will be able to take it. It’s an everyday battle with my son… just as it was at a point with my older two girls! Stay strong and stick to consistency. Eventually he will grow out of it and realize you don’t back down. My girls did. They’re trying to figure out where they fit in and they’re just starting to experience bigger, more complex emotions. He will grow out of it so long as you’re consistent.

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I agree with throwing a fit when he does. I’ve been doing it to my 4 year old and he will stop almost immediately and look at me with such confusion and puts his hand over my mouth to make me “stop crying”. Hes over the fit just about as soon as it starts. When he’s does, I just talk with him and figure out what he wants/needs and we always end it with a laugh and a hug.

Time outs never worked for my kids. Honestly, talking to them or taking toys did either but that little pop on the butt did.

Have him checked for asd and adhd have do the school have any concerns issues when he’s there ? Try not to blow your top with him it’s hard for you but harder for him. Know how your feeling got a disabled child myself inbox always open if need to have a scream xx

I use a chore bowl put chores or punishment words in an make the child pick working well

Lol. Sorry. When I saw big for his age it was funny. My son is 8 and he is 4ft 6in and is 73lbs of solid muscle and I’m 5ft 2in 150lbs. My son has always been tall/muscular for his age, he has autism (aspergers), and sensory issues and has thrown tantrums, played dead weight and had mouth on him. Since he was little-dead weight I Walk away and leave him sit I don’t try moving him. Tantrums-i don’t waste time talking to deaf ears. Hitting/biting/kicking-i deflect the blows and do minimal redirect. Mouthing off (bitch, I hate you, just drop dead, you’re not in control of me, im the son of a bitch an so on…)-I respond with you are entitled to your feelings but I love you anyway and Walk away. He stops when I don’t react/stop/challenge him.

Show him a picture of Hannibal Lecter on the hand truck in a straight jacket with that tennis ball thingy in his mouth and tell him thats how people who throw big fits end up eventually, then next public fit ask him if he’s ready to go try on his crazy suit

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Frist has anything change CK out everything then if nothing going but the behavior take action first warning start taking things away and don’t give them back the same day make him go 24 hours second warning he sits in his room or in a corner or on the couch with a timer third warning spank his hind in paddle him set him down in a chair when he’s when you think he’s over it talk to him and explain why you had to be drastic and then start a reward system a chart put down certain tours certain things that you want him to accomplish explain to him he has to earn it get stickers and when he does a tour or something that you want him to do place a sticker at the end of the week either give him like a dollar a day or say 3 weeks 4 weeks if he’s got a lot of stickers he gets to choose it up an activity for just you and him or his daddy but you’ve got to nip it now and if he acts up at school tell him that you’re going to come to school and that you’re going to take him to the principal with his teacher and paddling or if you can have a sitter for your two-year-old you’re going to go sit with him in classes hope things work out take it from a nanny 65 years old been there done it

Timeout on the stairs works. 2 minutes per year of age and time doesn’t start until they stop. Easy.

Remember, negative attention is still attention

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Take every thing away, toys, TV, crayons, and even the books, leave him with a bed and a few things to wear and slowly as time goes by with good behavior he can earn his stuff back. If he misbehaves again take it away again. Hitting the child only teaches them violence and intimidation. You don’t want them to fear you. You want them to listen and behave accordingly

He’s 5 it could just be extra energy he’s got nowhere to put. Get a trampoline or something and have him exercise on it. Make it fun. Get that energy out before you go anywhere

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Make him sit in the corner facing the wall… hard at first, but they know that’s what will happen when they decide to act up…

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Let me know cause my 5 year old is OUT OF CONTROL. He literally makes everyday miserable… I hate saying that but its true. Sorry to ride on your post but id like to know as well…

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I would try to ignore it he wants attention negative or positive, when he in a fit try just act like not happening , he may calm down realize he not getting the reaction he wants then you go hug him hold him tight talk about feelings

You can leave the room and shut the door and he might think you can’t. Hear him. If that works he is just acting out. Never give him anything when he acts out

Mines six I never had this issue but I spank. It’s weird because he’s rarely ever spanked I don’t think once during this whole year . Very well behaved boy. So rule out behavioral issues like ADHD ect I would say is your first step
With my son he knows he can talk to mom about ANYTHING and he does. He may just need a outlet to express his emotions.

I say ignore it completely and pay attention when he’s being good. Reward him with attention, thank yous and the occasional treat. Talk to him as much as possible when he’s acting good.

My 5 year old was like this and we started parent child interactive Threapy. Basically u r learning from the threapist how to be ur child’s threapist. It has worked wonders so far. We have 5 mins of special time that we play whatever he wants for the whole 5 mins everyday. Praise only the good behavior and ignore all negative behavior that you know u can ignore every time he does it.