Those of you that have partners who work away from home or out of state, what is expected when a partner comes home? Do they have duties they need to fulfill when they come home? Is it too much to ask that they be a parent after they come home from work tired?
I’m not in this situation but I feel like if you’ve been taking care of the kids alone while your partner is away working, then you definitely deserve a break! You didn’t get pregnant by yourself and you shouldn’t have to parent alone. It’s hard work raising kids!
I don’t think it’s ever too much to ask a parent to be a parent…
Both are doing an awesome job keeping your household, he works away providing for the family and you work at home taking care of everyone, be proud of yourselves…after all you are the helper for your man, don’t be ashamed and start comparing with other couples that her husband besides working helps her take care of everything else, bless their home but are they happy? Just be content with what you have and what you’re both are building together, learn to be patient, ask him, be vocal and with patience and soft words can overcome a lot!..God bless you!
I mean they should be a balance. I don’t think he should have to come home and you just check out and expect him to do everything, but when he’s present he should help.
I say team work u feed n bath them n he put them to bed. That what me n my husband does its easier on both of us since we work hard him working n my taking care of the household.
If he lives there… He has as much of a responsibility to help clean and tend the kids as you do… This isn’t 1950… We aren’t June and ward cleaver…
A relationship is 50/50 in everything.
If he can’t or won’t help… Get him gone… I mean you’re already practically a single mom… If you’re doing it all yourself. Why have a full grown baby there to slow you down
When my husband works away when he gets home that first night I don’t ask or expect him to do anything but every day after that it’s back to normal with both of us doing the parenting. You find what works for your family and you run with it
We are a family when he gets home and do where it needs done.
The only thing my husband does is work so when he comes home he does his half. Because the other 5 days or so he is gone I’m on call 24/7.
My partner doesn’t work away but does go to work every day.
Its still expected that you clean up after YOURSELF and love/play/parent the children
I don’t expect anything, but my husband does stay with our daughter when he is home so I can go get a pedicure, or go shopping or get groceries! I let him rest for a couple of days before I go do my thing though.
Of course-parenting is the most important part of your household!
Tell him to help and parent. Kids are not a job and it took two of you to make them, not just you.
You should definitely give him a break right when he gets home. Maybe don’t ask anything of him for an hour. Maybe he can help with baths and bedtime because those are later?
My husband and I both work outside the home, 40 hours a week min for both of us, we both do house work and we both parent.
So, my hub works until 5PM, bedtime starts at 730, so that gives us 2.5 hours as a fam. I’m home all day, so I do 99% of the chores and cooking. My hub works a high stress job so when he gets home I let the kids give him some love and then we leave dad alone to decompress for a little bit. After that I usually only ask that he entertains the kids for a bit, and he will usually insist on doing other things because I’m his “queen” who has been working all day and needs a break (his words not mine). Then its bed time, which is my duty since the kids are used to me doing it. On his days off I expect him to help with kids, clean up whatever messes he makes, and usually anything work related is his job too. I’m not a traditionalist but I dont see the sense in sitting around all day in a messy house waiting for him to get home to help, I’m literally doing nothing else but taking care of kids so might as well clean, cook, etc.
Me and mine don’t have kids yet but he works out of town hell help me clean and cook etc but mostly for the short time he’s in I want him to just relax and spend time with me. But if we had kids yes I would expect him to be a parent as well
I would say first, there was a study about mens Testosterone being depleted by the time they come home. That it will renew itself within a half hour if you don’t attack them and don’t put requirements on them. Men need that. I sound like one of those women but I so am not. So don’t sit down and talk to him about what happened, what you need, what needs to be fixed, what bills are due, none of that. Give him at least a half hour to take a breath. And then now it’s not too much to ask him to help to be a parent cuz you also need that breath
Honestly… I dont ask my husband to do anything… Weekends I occasionally have him watch the kids so I can go to the store alone. But hes the bread winner and works outside 12 hours a day… I honestly feel kinda bad
My husband was an OTR truck driver. When he came home it was just for 2 days at a time. I made sure everything was finished before he got home. That way the kids and i could enjoy him the 2 days he was with us!
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My person and I alternate getting up with the kids most days. I nap. A lot. I’m 29 weeks pregnant. He doesn’t really clean but he does take care of the kids.
Being a parent is never too much to ask. Its an endless, thankless job but has to be done no matter how busy one might be.
Well we both work and if I help pay bills then he can help with the house and kids as well
I wouldn’t ask right away maybe after 2 or 3 hours . Once he had chance to unpack take shower sit around awhile. Then maybe mention you need assistance with setting the table or ask if he can take out the garbage if it needs to . Maybe just let him watch tv with the kids to keep them occupied with a movie?
One thing I don’t do is Bombard my husband with a bunch of things to do when he walks in the door.
I am home all day, the majority of housework falls on me. I have the time, he does not. He helps the girls with homework and makes sure they are keeping up with their chores.
He always picks up after himself.
He takes out the trash, Keeps up with maintenance on the house, cars and equipment, maintaines our 10 Acer property, does dinner dishes with the girls and is just a team player when he’s home.
He feels he shouldn’t sit down till we both can.
It’s all about both partners giving a 100%…
The same thing as me. Help keep the house clean and parent the kids. Obviously we both need some down time and that’s usually after the kid is in bed, but since we both work, we both pull our weight at home.
He may have to watch the kids while I cook dinner, or go the store, pick up the house, rotate the laundry, walk the dog, feed the dog, put away the food, give baths, I mean anything that needs to be done
My husband doesn’t work away from home but works a 12hr day shift. Im a SAHM due my health and financially with daycare/preschool. I think that before said husband returns the house laundry etc should be done so yall can have time together. With the kids it is very important that he does do baths or tuck ins play etc because thats the only time that get to see him and its a needed interaction for children. I’ve had to have discussions multiple times in the 5 years my husband has been a father about helping with those things and the importance. He is doing better now but for the most part I do all the work kids and cleaning and let him just relax with them.
My bf right now focuses on the yard bc our landlord pays us to do theirs and ours… other than that I try to figure out dinner. And he stops at 8pm every night so we can have family time… he used to come home around 6:30-7 then work outside until 10 or so and by then our toddler was asleep so he spent no time with us… always for others… so we talked and came up with agreement for him to stop whatever he was doing for others at 8
My SO definitely picks up on the parenting when he is home - he does 12 hr shifts rotating between days and nights every week. He is very helpful with baby and around the house and honestly probably does more than me a lot of the time but we always try to spend as much time together when we are both not working, even if it means doing chores together.
I ask for mine to pay attention to us…
I have mine mow the lawn and cook. I do everything else so it’s the least he can do to contribute
My husband owns our business and I’m home with our daughter all day. I do all the housework/cooking etc. I don’t expect him to help with any of that. On the nights he is home, he plays with our daughter and then after dinner he does bath and bedtime with her. Our traditional roles work well for us
Absolutely! I too work & work from from all while having the kids home 24/7 with the pandemic & now managing to include online school. Mind you I have 6 kids ages 12,10,7,4,2 & 1 month & 2 dogs. I manage the bills. I do the cooking and cleaning. I do include the kids with chores as well, but over all I do everything. Him FaceTiming the kids is must everyday when he is away. So yes I will expect him to do just as much as I do when he comes home & he does.
I have a different perspective on this. I try to get all the chores and housework before my husband comes home so that when he is home, we can enjoy family time and not argue over housework.
I think parenting should be done by both parents. As for everything else, you both live there, you all make , laundry, dishes and so on so everyone should pitch in. Especially if you work outside of the home as well.
We both cook at times we both bathe he does it if I’m bathing my littlest one he puts food away sometimes take the trash he feeds her in the morning and he watches the kids for me to run to the store or check the mail so I can get out for a minute
It has varied over the years. And depended on each of our needs at the time. Right now, I do most of the house stuff even though I also work full time from home, his job is stressful physically and emotionally, so I am more than willing to do things around here. If I ask him to do something, he does it. He asks if there is anything I need him to do. We don’t have kids at home, so that is not an issue. It has fluctuated though as our lives has changed.
At the moment I take care of our girls (5 years old and 6 months) and everything in between he’s the main guy who running with finances as I’m just going to to school and that works for us all I ask is he spends time with the girls when he’s home and occasionally take trash out and while he’s with them I shower and eat in peace
When hubby’s home we share responsibilities, I’m more organised and have routines in place but he takes over while I’m at work xx
It depends what your roles were prior to him leaving on the road. Also, it depends if you work or not, the reason being is that I believe we as women transition/evolve more often than men. We can agree that we are not the same person we were 10 years ago nor are we the same person each time you add a child to your family (i.e. you being a mother of one vs a mother of 3) If things were done a certain way prior and you agreed to this role, simply change your role. Have a serious conversation with your husband about what you expect from him. If he tells you he can accomplish let’s say 5 out of the 7 things you expect from him, then he should be held accountable. If he tells you he is not willing to fulfill all of your expectations, then you cannot force him and that is where you can compromise. I believe that unmet expectations is a killer of relationships and it’s healthy to revisit said expectations of each other every couple of years or when your family dynamic changes (i.e. New job, kids) I agree with a previous post to let him unwind once he gets home. It is not easy being away for lengths of time and then coming home to a set routine. As far as warming up to you and the kids, again it takes time to bond after being gone for a long period of time. If it becomes to much for you and your marriage suffers, it’s time for him to look for another job where he will be home more often. I would sort all these things out and remember there doesn’t have to be a bad guy, just whatever was working before is not working now.
Having a job outside of the house does not give someone the right to neglect their parenting duties or household duties. Two adults live there so two adults should do their share. The one working outside of the home just won’t typically have as much responsibility in the house as the other. But parenting is both, regardless.
I work and husband is the stay at home parent. I do all the cooking, when home and he does the rest more or less. And I take over with our daughter because I know how exhausting it came be to stay home. I did it for the first year and a half. She’s 3 and a half now.
I’ve been on both sides of this. With a worthless man and now an amazing man. I don’t expect him to do anything when he gets home. He chooses to do things to help me out. He works his ass off then comes home to Try and help me cook. Lol. He even cleans. And when I’m having a long day at work he does everything that I would have done for him. First relationship that was equally important. I may not b a stay at home mom but I am a mom. So anything he come home and chooses to do is fine by me.
Working outside of the home doesn’t eliminate anyone’s adult or parent responsibilities.
My husband works a full time job and solely runs our business. I still expect his help
There are no expectations… He just does things. He loves to cook so he cooks a lot. He puts away laundry. And mows and does general maintenance. But he works away from home a lot. He’s been gone for a month and has 3 more weeks until he’s home. So I usually just do the things. And he’s an extra set of hands.
It’s their child to just cause you stay home with the child does not mean that you aren’t working a full time job with that kid. They should always help with the kid.
The stay at parent is never a slave to the one who goes out to a place of work/travels for work. They would still be expected to give the home parent time alone w/o the kids, and to help around the house as needed.
Mine is gone a lot for work (long days typically but also actually gone a lot too) and I expect that he still be a parent when he is home. Housework isn’t as big of a deal, if he does some great, but I don’t have a list for him to do or anything. The kids want to play with their daddy though so, especially if he’s been gone for a longer period, I try to make sure everything is done and when he gets home he can shower and change clothes and eat and then just have time to play or watch a movie and snuggle or whatever. We manage our household together and so while I’m usually who does the bulk of the housework (because I’m home), he’s never had an issue pitching in when he is home. The kids we made together so they are both our responsibilities though and we each try to give each other time off.
My hubby has worked away for the last 3 years, until 2 weeks ago finally
I expected that when he came home he could take the first night and morning off but after that he had to work hard, as I was left to do it on my own all week I deserved a break. The way we looked at it - while he was working away he went to work each day and went home to a responsibility free house each night with no kids so he used those nights for his ‘me’ time. The weekends were a mix of deep cleaning and family adventure times. I find I carry a lot more of the mental work/stress so he is happy to do more physical stuff. Depends what works for your family but working away doesn’t mean a holiday when he comes home.
My husband was working out of town before the shut down and it was honestly awful. I’m disabled with Lupus and it was just too much for me. I couldn’t keep up with house and whenever he would come home, he would be resentful about the amount of work left to do or stuff that was left undone. It absolutely affected our relationship, since having Lupus alone requires a degree of partnership just to make that work out, let alone the pressures of having a spouse out of town most of time while trying to raise two teenaged boys. I had problems from one kid straight up running into the woods to avoid going to school to them refusing to eat anything I cooked. I eventually had to put my foot down and tell him that this type of work just doesn’t work for our life.
What kind of life are y’all living that you feel the need to “assign” duties to your spouses like they’re children?
If something needs to be done, do it. If your partner is suffering from exhaustion, they obviously need to rest. Clean up after yourself. Don’t bitch at each other about life not being fair, and have conversations like grown adults who love and chose each other.
Just because marriage is hard work doesn’t mean some things aren’t simple.
Don’t be a d***. Honestly, it’s not that hard…
When you’re married and parenting both are responsible for household & children, regardless of who works where.
My husband works in other states - sometimes for a month at a time. I give him our kid when he gets home, and I enjoy a break. Lol.
I expect him to pick up and work just as hard as me. I expect him to spend time with his son, i expect him to take out the trash, help clean and do the dishes after dinner. I expect him to play with and distract our son while i cook and do laundry. He puts him down for a nap and bedtime and changes his diaper. He splits the responsibilities if not picks up a bit more of them to give me a bit of a break. And my husband does a great job of doing exactly that
No no no, it is never too much to ask your (key word) PARTNER to help you do housework and tend to the children also. My fiancé comes home from working in the heat ALL day, plays with our daughter, helps me prep/cook dinner, helps change our little ones diapers late at night, does the dishes if I ask him to, and does his dirty laundry, then I put it away for him. It’s a partnership for a reason and your kids are just as much his. Being a stay at home mom is just as much of a job as a job outside of the house. I hope you find clarity in some of these comments!
My husband works out of state for 6 weeks at a time. He is home for 4 day in between each 6 weeks. When he is here he spends a lot of time helping out and even enjoys giving me some mommy time. I don’t expect help but he offers it gladly. It’s all about give and take.
My husband leaves on Monday mornings and comes home on Friday evenings. He stays in a camper on the job site since its about an hour n a half drive one way. When he comes home he gets “situated” and picks up like he never left. He helps with cleaning and cooking. He says hes glad to be home. I’m super happy when he comes home cause i hate sleeping without him and Friday nights is my turn to sleep. I actually get in atleast 5 hours straight
Mine is gone for a month straight (leadman on the boats) but when he is home he takes on the load and makes things easier for me. Parenting ,cooking,cleaning- you name it. Although, all I expect him to do is relax❤ I am truly blessed to have him. Definitely one of a kind😍
My husband works all day and when he comes home the first thing he does is play with our 2 year old then after that shows love to our 5 month old he helps bathe our kids and put them to bed every night an then he’ll relax play video games or watch a show. On his days off he lets me sleep in while he gets up with our kids, he helps around the house and does the yard work. He is very active in our home and with our kids even though he works and on weekends is gone the whole weekend because of his job. He does all this without being asked this is just who he is as a husband and dad. I’m very blessed that he is mine. but what I expect from him when he comes home is to be a dad and that’s it. I don’t expect him to do anything else even on his days off. He does what he does because he wants to.
As my OB explained it to me: it took 2 to make a baby, it takes 2 to raise a baby, and it will take 2 every day to help with a baby. Just because he/she works he/she still has to come home after and help with the baby daily.
My husband stays home with our kids 3 days a week while I work. I come home and make dinner, initiate the kids starting their chores after 30-45 min break to decompress.
My husband works out to sea for over a month at a time. When he comes home, he’s in full husband/dad mode and helps with everything. 50/50 always.
50/50 + relations when they get home ,don’t want to feel lonely🥺
They are parents, presumably by choice, so they must participate in parenting.
Jennifer I am just like you. I have lupus but because I don’t always look sick I do everything. If not they think I lazy. I feel for you
I expect him to come home and shower so I can get to what is expected of me…
50/50 at home.
What do i expect him to do???
Ill be odd one out but i expect him to come home, pop open a cold drink and relax for a bit (works over 12 hours a day mostly out in whatever weather it may be that day)…but that dont usually happen.
He comes home and finds a project to work on or walk/play w/ dogs , spend time w/ family and offer to help w/ household things.
Im blessed to stay home so most of that is handled before he gets home so wecan enjoy time together
If he works and I don’t then other than spending time and helping with the kids I expect him to do nothing around the house. I mean he doesn’t expect me to pay the bills does he…
I don’t expect nothing after he works 11-12 hour shifts… but he still comes home and automatically starts helping with the kids, house work… whatever needs done!
He definitely needs to act as a parent when he comes home the kids shouldn’t have the mean one and the nice one also simple household chores can be expected …taking out the trash, changing a diaper, mowing the yard but this could just be how our partnership works
Well I work away from home and I am sure ad hell expected to do a whole crap load of stuff when I get home. Why shouldn’t I expect the same in return??
Picking up after himself is def an expectation, and so is being a dad. I work in town and am also tired when I get home and I cant just not be a mom when I get home. I cant just not clean up after myself and after the kids just because I’m tired.
I’m a stay at home mom I do most things I expect him to pick up after himself help with the nightly routine and take the trash out it’s his house and children as well.
Nothing. My husband works 50-80 hours a week. I expect him to come home spend time with our kids and relax.
Nothing just play with the kids after he has time to himself and help on his days off
Nothing come home be a parent and relax
My husband is gone Mon-Friday, I have two kids, a restaurant I own and three bars. He’s expected to do the same thing I do at home. We cook together, clean, yard work, laundry, I’ll usually do the errands since I need a break from the kids every once in a while… we’re equal in every way. Been together 13 years doing things this way… hope that helps!
I am a stay at home mom. The only thing I ask for help with is the kids and sometimes cooking. Otherwise I make sure cleaning and laundry is done before he comes home.
My husband works in the oil industry and has an 8 day on 6 days off schedule, so he’s only home for a full 5 days every other week. I am a SAHM and we have a 9 year old and a 4 month old. Since I’m a full time mom when he’s gone he takes over most of the “work” caring for the kids when he’s home so I can take better care of the house and spend some time to myself when I need or want it. Ge also does projects around the house when he needs to as well.
My husband is away for work 3 to 4 weeks at a time then home for 2 to 3 weeks. I dont expect much when hes home cause he works all those days without a day off while away. However he still helps out when he’s home…mainly he does yard work when home. Then helps every few days with dishes. Mans the BBQ like a king. Always helps with kids. I stay home, so its kinda my job to have that stuff for the most part cared for. Plus hes gone weeks a time. When I worked and he wasnt gone for work, things were split pretty evenly. We definitely have morphed our roles over the years.
Let him spend time with the kids and you. Dont bother him with chores. If you’re a sahm thats your job. If you both work, let him atleast have a few days to chill.
My husband works out of state weekly and is 100% still an attentive parent and husband when he gets home.
Nothing. My significant other works 70+hours a week every week, he is exhausted and literally goes to work, comes home and showers gets something to eat then goes to bed. I don’t expect anything from him around the house as he works so hard to support the family. He does help keep the house clean and will do anything I ask him to but I don’t expect him to do anything.
Considerate man! He knows you respect and appreciate him.