I’ve been with my husband for 4 years now. I have 2 children from a previous marriage, as does he. I need some advice on how to handle a situation I’ve been in for the past 2 years. My husband’s oldest child, a teenager, has done everything in his power to come between his father and I and he’s completely out of control. Prior to getting married, my stepson and I got along, except for when he’d blatantly disregard the rules his father and I setup when he comes to stay with us, but we managed to get through things and work them out. However, since the day I married my husband, his oldest has become extremely disrespectful of me, my household, and even his father. The kid steals, lies, destroys our belongings, and only cares about himself. I can’t even have a private conversation with my husband because his son will listen at our bedroom door and then throw whatever was said back at us. My husband and I get along well until his son is present and he tries pitting his dad against me. The relationship with my stepson is now beyond broken. After everything he’s put me through, I suffered 2 breakdowns last year and had to seek therapy and medications for them. I’m at the point where I’ve lost my feelings for my husband’s son and don’t want to spend any time with him. I know he’s my husband’s child, but the constant disrespect, the constant pain and turmoil have changed how I feel towards him. Before anyone says anything about putting him in therapy or me giving him another chance, both have been presented and his mother won’t allow therapy for him and I’ve given over a dozen chances, only to have him hurt me all over again.
I just don’t know what to do anymore. Please be kind, as I’m going through a lot here and just need some advice.
I feel like this is happening right now with my bf and my daughter. Her behaviour has become severe and she’s stealing and lying all the time as well. She has no respect for him currently. I know she still loves him, they have their moments, but once she gets angry or gets caught having stole something, it’s over with for that day. And vice versa i know he still loves her, but he’s of the thought now that she’s attempting to break us up. Which she’s thrown at me that I care more for him then her and that I don’t love her if I won’t leave him. She also has ADHD, and she’s on medication for it right now, so I’m not sure if it’s the medicine making her feel this way, if she’s just scared he’s going to leave and wants to push him away first, (her bio dad and my son’s dad didn’t stick around) if its because she feels he doesnt love her like his bio kids, idk. 
I had to get out of the unruley stepkid situation it made me miserable i just dont know how to deal with that and it scared me. Im 43 with 2 grown kids but they were both very normal. I guess if you are strong enough to let his kid terrorize you and you want to help then you’re a bigger person than me. Also maybe there are mental probs manefesting in his behaviour?? Maybe a visit to the dr?? Am sure the unruley step i dealt with needed a brain dr too. I think pandemic has changed alot of kids lives from their normal maybe some kids got set back being at home too much too?? That bein said this was prob the most upsetting/ hardest decision ive ever made.
I understand what ur going through Im kind of in the same boat with u
Find someplace to go when his son comes for visits. His dads got to be the one to fix this. For your safety and your children’s it would help to be absent.
You are in a tight spot, sit down with your husband and start real discussion on how you guys will deal with this, then sit him down as well be kind and see if he opens up to you, maybe start with a counselor at school, talk to his teachers see how his behavior is there first, good luck to you guys thats very sad you are going thru this.Also you stated you have a nice relationship with your husband, he needs to be the one stepping up to the situation and try and make this right.
What about therapy for him? Maybe there’s a reason for all this. Not t saying it’s a valid reason but you never know what a kid couldn’t be going through.
Nothing is.going to change unless his dad lays down the law…and sadly…it sounds like his mother is condoning the horrible behavior…And what example is he setting for your 2 kids. Maybe time to think about leaving …I hate ultimatums…but it may be time to say…get him some help or I am leaving. And…not sure what state… but dad may can put him in.counseling without mothers consent. And not allowing him to go to counseling is a form of neglect on mothers part…and usually when a parent refuses counseling for a child…they have something to hide. File against his mother and it may get his attention.
Same boat
And they admitted that they ruined my prior relationship on purpose and after I got married this behavior continued
They go as far and reporting falsehoods to dhs and police and their father encouraged it
So the solution is not therapy…why? Becuz if they go they don’t say anything and they report falsehoods
I already gave 5 yrs chances even after they did severe damage
The solution is don’t allow him in ur home anymore!
Boot camp or just at his moms
Your husband can see him outside of home but no longer have access to abusing you both in ur home
He has ODD and consequences need to be put in place to be accountable
Report him of his bad behavior he may go to juvi now but it may save him
U can’t relay on his mom
She wants him to destroy your relationship
Nothing else works
U have to report him
I would talk to him ask him straight up what his problem is .I would sit him down and set up boundaries and expectations and tell him what the consequences would be for his misbehavior and follow through. I would make it clear I am not his mom and I’m not trying to replace her,I would like to be his friend if he will allow it and be there for him but he needs to be nice. I will not allow him to disrespect me or my stuff. I’d make it clear I can be very nice but I can also be very mean and I will treat him like he treats me. That’s basically what I tell my own kids so I’d do it with any kid. U guys just need better communication. His father better set rules and follow through too or I’d be out. If his mom is around maybe he wants to go live with her? I’d ask him and if that’s what he wanted and was an option I’d let him go and if he can’t go for whatever reason I’d tell him sorry you can choose to follow the rules here or go to Juvi. Your choice!
His mother is probably telling him lies about you, and he’s young enough to believe her
His mother is probably encouraging him to be awful to you and rewarding him for it. It’s not going to change.
Dad should’ve documented his behavior and then gone to court with all his documentation and fought for counseling. Before it got to a point where jail time is possible.
You need to have a serious conversation with your husband about him stepping up as parent and pushing for counseling. For 4years this has been going on. What’s going to happen when his son goes to jail for this behavior outside of your home? I highly doubt this is only happening at your home.
Sorry to say this. I just went through this w my stepson (11). Father wouldn’t discipline him and I ended up being the bad guy … suggested therapy for son and mother was not in picture . It destroyed us. I left
First I am so sorry you are going through this. Second very proud of you for going to therapy to heal yourself. If you haven’t been praying about this start praying for God to intervene and give you the right words,strength and love to reach this boy. Pray with your husband and by yourself. Sounds like he feels threatened by the marriage because his dad chose you over his mom. Some of this is probably coming from his love for her and anger over her pain. Talk to dad about family counseling all of you. if you can’t if mom doesn’t sign dad needs to petition the court to allow it or even order it. Any money that costs would be well worth it. With God involved ALL things are possible. Hugs and much 
Idk my uncle married this chick once and she treated my uncles teen children really bad but every time she spoke it was always about her and how they hurt her and how they needed therapy but truth is she was very mean and self centered and I’m very glad my uncle left her, Also you sound like a bad step parent for some odd reason idk it’s no lie that children go through a lot more changes at that stage in life give him a break, puberty can be awful
Try Nacho parenting! Basically it’s nacho kid so nacho problem! Anything that has to deal with him is directed to his dad. No discipline from you. You can visit with him but if he starts being a little jerk, go to your bedroom and let dad deal with it
Your husband needs to step up and handle the situation
You need to quit breaking down. No matter what he does he wants you to lose your cool. He sees he’s winning! Kill him with kindness. And be steady with consequences for his actions!!! He needs to know you won’t back down and when he realizes he can’t have that power over you he will soon give up.
Few people behave badly because they’re at peace and happy. Get stepson into therapy ASAP to get to the root of why he’s acting out in such negative ways.
My step son was the WORST for like 6 years… a lot of it had to do with his mom telling him to be shitty to me. The last 4 years have been great, we have an awesome relationship.
I agree with some of the other comments on here. If there’s a custody agreement thru the courts I would talk to your husband and go to the courts to try and get this child therapy. Mom won’t be able to say no and it’s quite possible that she’s spitting lies to him when he’s with her. As far as dealing with it now. There doesn’t seem like there’s much you can do right now. Why isn’t your husband putting a stop to this? Or what has your husband done to try to stop this behavior? But in all honesty you can be completely hands off with this kid. You tried and he didn’t accept it. Send him to his father for whatever it is he needs or discipline or whatever. Hands off
The reason the mother wont allow the son into therapy is she knows it wont take long to uncover that she is the source of his rage toward you, she’s using her son as a trojan horse to import her malignance into your household and the child is a willing soldier in her war, you need to circle the wagons now because there is no reason to believe this wont escalate to a dangerous level eventually, create a safe room to retreat to whenever he comes, for you, your children, and your irreplaceable possessions, and hope that eventually your husband takes action
This child never dealt with his parents separation and blaming you for everything. Therapy was suppose to have been done than. Kid’s aren’t the same this might a delayed response to his parents breaking up. Your marriage to his dad was just a confirmation of what he feared. Him & his mom just to frustrate you until you leave. There’s no solution here, you need to leave
If the father isn’t going to stick up for you in these cases then leave. You’ll probably thank the kid in the future
He might be feeling very displaced, you cant get peti and angry at a kid who is emotionally overwhelmed and maturities underdeveloped and respond with negativity… is this how you invision how you will approach your children? Because although your not hos birth mother you are a mother figure so stop being so difficult for this difficult child who would be willing to be loved amd love him as your own and give him a sense of belonging, security and worth… being intolerant of an intolerant child isnt the way you deal with it. The kid is family so treat him like it… 
I’d actually ignore the little prick and say to bad to your husband he ain’t welcome to your house anymore!
This is just my opinion since I don’t know the entire situation. Is there any way possible that you can do things together, just you and him? He’s probably feeling displaced and hasn’t quite fully accepted that his mom and dad won’t be getting back together. Please quit trying to be mom (I’m not sure that you are, just going by my own experience that happened with my adult children and a woman their father was with). Your stepson already has a mom and sounds like he has made that quite clear to everyone but it sounds like he sure could use a friend. Maybe the 2 of you can go out and do things that he is interested in doing.
I’m not sure if you were the first girlfriend after his mom and dad split, but if you were, that may be the issue. When dad started dating you, there was still hope for mom and dad to get back together. The day you married his dad, that hope was over. It could be that mom is bitter and doesn’t hesitate to degrade you in front of him. How’s your relationship with her? It could also be puberty. Depending on the age he was 4 years ago when you and dad got together and how old he is now, that could be it. My son is 13, and up until about a year ago, he was a sweet kid. Then he hit puberty and now he acts like a d-bag daily. Mine was diagnosed with ADHD and ODD. That could be the issue also, but to diagnose that, he would need to see a therapist. I have the same question as most other people on here… where does Dad stand on the issue? I assume he is aware of the issue and how you feel. Is he doing anything to handle it? Not only should he be handling his son, but you should be putting your foot down and the two of you should have a united front, meaning Dad needs to remind him that he is a child and dad needs to stand beside you, in the moment. Not a week or month later. If the son says something disrespectful to you, you shouldn’t even have to open your mouth before dad steps in and handles it. If the son is trying to come between you two, it may be continuing because he sees that it’s working.
I have some real good advice !! Do not air your family issues on FB !! Once on FB always on FB ! You can’t take it back .
I’m sorry you’re going through this. I am a momma to two boys ages 7 and 5 and they have a wonderful step mom who I am thankful for every day. We had a lot of issues with the oldest being very disrespectful and mean to their bonus mom. We tried many, many different approaches and a few that helped us where #1 dad needs to put his foot down and let his son know he will not tolerate the disrespect, unkind words and actions towards you (bonus mom). #2 me, as the mother, had to have MANY talks with our oldest regarding the way he treated her and he said the usual “she took your place” “she is taking daddy away from us”…etc and I had to have that heart to heart that she was not the reason his father and I separated and the only thing she was here to do was to love him and help him grow. We also had a couple different family conversations with myself, their dad, step mom and my spouse and we openly discussed our relationship and what our job was to do and that the 4 of us are on the same page and we know he isn’t being mistreated and we aren’t going to tolerate it anymore. I don’t know if you have the Coparenting relationship with the mom to be able to have her help in this process because her showing him that she is okay with you will 100% help him in realizing it’s okay…
My boys are still young, and I don’t have the perfect Coparenting relationship and it has not always been as easy as it is today but those are just a few things that have helped us.
He’s a child, and you’re taking it personally. Your husband is allowing him to get between you. If you can’t deal with it just leave. This is the life you signed up for when you got married. You don’t get to tap out unless you’re all the way out.
Look at the ex she doesn’t want him but doesn’t want him happy
His mother maybe the source of all of this. Go back to court or a case worker and request therapy so his mother cannot refuse.
Men these days have no balls!!! He needs to put that boy in his place!
There is no reason that his father can’t sign him up for therapy. He doesn’t need the ex’s permission. It would mean you or him would have to take thile child to therapy. But it needs to be done. It’s very suspicious that the mother doesnt want him to go to therapy…
Therapy is usually only good for those who want to and are open to change. Teenagers can be very difficult and he is getting what he wants with his behavior. I would recommend marriage counseling so you two can work together as a team. He is going to need tough consequences and they should originate from his biological parent
Sound like mother has corrupted him, mother has no say so about therapy if father able to make medical decisions court papers would say so.
Sounds like the father needs to step up and put his son in check