My husband and I are separated and have been for quite a while. We were together for 16 years and have children. Things had gotten to the point that I was always mentally exhausted. I constantly apologized, begged, and cried. He still to this day wants me to feel sorry for all the things that I have done. He makes statements like “It really hurts me that youve convinced yourself that you didnt lead me on.” Or when I say something about the way that I was hurt, he always comes back with all of the things that I did to hurt him and how he is still there waiting and I just walked away. He tells me that all I do is run and that I refuse to talk to him about anything important. But honestly, Im tired of feeling like a horrible person. I dont want to be a mom that is more worried about her husband and his behavior than she is about her children. Im done talking about everything that I did wrong and why that is the reason for everything that he did/does to me. Im tired of being told that I dont care about him or that I dont do enough for him. He posts on social media that he is so sorry and acts like Im so amazing. People who see this or hear him (including our children) want to know why I would leave because he just loves me so much. There is too much damage. I realize that he may be right and I may be the cause of all of it but I dont need to be reminded all the time. I dont need to be interrogated or made to feel bad if I help someone or worry that he will see the wrong person talk to me. He watches my social media and has alerts turned on. He has even questioned me about responses that I have made to questions on this page. He was my best friend for so long and I do love him and I want him to be happy and to be happy for me and to raise our babies together. I just cant get him to see his own value and know that he will be okay. He refuses. He wants me to come back and fix everything but I couldnt fix it then and I dont want to go back to the place that we all were. How do I make him stop? How am I supposed to be happy again and let go of all this guilt that he is so often reminding me of? I feel like I cant move on until he lets me go. The thought of that makes me sad too but until recently I really believed that everyone in my family would be happier if I disappeared and wasnt able to do so much damage. I just want to feel better.
Note: I am on antidepressants and anti-anxiety medication. Im trying not to drown.