I'm torn between moving on but staying for my children

I have 3 children. 1 boy 2 girls. My girls father and I split 6 months ago. Since then we do a joint custody agreement. 1 week with him 1 week with me and it’s been incredibly hard on the girls. They are used to mama. Within this 6 months I’ve recently met a guy. I adore him. Hes so grown up so kind I feel safe with him. I really wanna see where it goes but then heres my ex wanting to get back together. I just feel so torn in this situation. If I stay with my girls dad I gotta worry about my son feeling left out but I can have my girls all the time. If I move on with this other guy I’m loosing my girls every other week . If I stay I can call the shots with my kids if I go I loose everything. I feel like if I pick this guy I’m picking him over my children. I dont know what to do it’s been a emotional battle past week. I feel so trapped.

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Help a mama out and respond anonymously on our forum. I'm torn between moving on but staying for my children

What exactly are the rules for custody and visitation? This is very confusing.

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You need to stop looking at it in terms of what you “get” and really start thinking about the emotional well being of everyone involved.

Will it fail with the ex again? Will the children be hurt again in the long run from another split? Do you love the ex and want to work it out? There’s alot more to it than “I get to call the shots with the kids”.

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Kids over ANY man… even their daddy.

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Always choose your children over any man/person. Do what’s best for them. Don’t let them down.

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Staying for the kids isn’t always the best choice for either of you. I never realized my happiness made such a impact on my girls till I made a similar choice. And they told me years later it how it was all worth it.

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I went through 4 years of toxic with my sons father. I wanted to stay to keep our family together and it was the worst thing I ever decided. We split and moved on and I’ve never been happier with the choice I made

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Pick yourself and neither dude.

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You need to look at the reason you left your ex to begin with. Sometimes kids are better off going back and forth between to parents hard as that may be, than having their parents together and witnessing a toxic relationship.

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Yep… kids over guys anytime. Why can’t you take all kids with new guy? :thinking:

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You don’t want to LOSE your children over any man!

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End of the day, even if you don’t get back with your ex, you’ve agreed to do 1 week on 1 off.

Sounds bad but if you broke up because you was unhappy I wouldn’t get back together just to change it. A happy mum makes happy kids. If your really not okay with the situation talk to their dad again about the agreement, 1 week on 1 off is probably quite hard on them.

If you like this man and want to peruse things then do so. Your ex will need to learn to keep his feelings for you out of it and do what’s best for the kids.

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Your kids need you happy. If you go back to your ex and are unhappy, your children will notice.
If you go back are you willingly to put the work into the marriage? Are you willingly to forgive your ex and honestly move on?

I think you need to look at it from a different view. Do you want your children in the relationship your in? Because if they see you unhappy/in a bad relationship they will think that’s normal. And your son being left out isn’t ok! He’s your child too and deserves to be apart of everything. If your ex can’t be the guy to include all your children why would you want to stay? I’m sure it would be hard having your kids every other week but what was it like when you were there all the time? Was it worth going back to that? There is a reason you left. Do you feel that reason has changed enough to go back. Or are you sucking it up to have more time with your kids. Being unhappy isn’t something you should do just for the sake of the kids. Because it won’t turn out well in the end! I think you absolutely should take more time to think about if going back is worth it!

Tell your ex about the other guy, I’m sure the ex will make the choice for you

You absolutely never stay for the kids. It does more harm than good. You also never abandon your children. This post does not make any sense. Why would you lose your kids if you chose this new man? Why can’t you just redo the visitation paperwork? He can’t take your kids for being in a new relationship.

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If he made you unhappy who’s to say that’ll even change.

Be happy , happy Moma makes happy children

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You have to do what makes YOU happy. Don’t go back to a relationship that you just was t happy in. Yes you have to split time with your children, but remember you need YOU time also. Idc what anyone says, you need to develop a life outside of being a mother. You can still stay with this new guy to where you’re happy and the kids will adjust. Get back with their dad and after the new feeling of y’all being back together goes away you will be miserable and it will mess with how the kids feel

Do NOT get back with ex. This comment section is disgusting.
If I had done “what was best” then I’d still be with my abuser if I wasn’t already [email protected] I wouldn’t be in a happy loving relationship or have my 2 younger kids. What’s best for the kids is to be happy and loved, and to have parents that are happy. You will not be happy getting back with your ex and it WILL effect your children in a BAD way. You want them to grow up and be miserable with their partner? Show them that they should be loved, that they deserve love like mama does, THAT is doing what’s best.

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1 week on and off isn’t good for any kid. It’s too much back and forth.

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You guys split for a reason. Remember that reason when you consider ‘staying for the kids’

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Pick your kids.
Forget the dick.

Never stay for the kids. They will pick up the tension and everything else. They need to be happy long term not temporarily

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Stay gone girl. You sound like you found a gem. The kids will get better and over time they will understand. Your happiness is important too! Your happiness important for the kids too!

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You are not ready for an actual relationship…stay single

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Don’t go back to the ex cause you feel like you have to. There’s a reason he’s the ex in the first place. You gotta put yourself first sometimes u know. If you’re not happy your kids will definitely know trust me you can put on this facade acting like you’re happy but kids can tell if it’s a fake happy or real happy so.

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Why would your son feel left out if you get back with your ex? Does your husband not treat him fair/equally? Did that have anything to do with your splitting up?

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You didn’t say why you split or even if you want to get back together with your ex. Being with your ex only for your kids sake is worse for your kids than being apart from their father if it’s bad when you are together. Parents staying together for their kids is usually worse for the kids

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You should never be with a guy just for the kids. They realize how you are not happy and grow up thinking that’s the way it’s supposed to be

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If it was me and they’re close to the age of 16 I’d get back with him until they hit 16 then adios… but thats just me I wouldn’t be in love and I would be letting the new guy know.

So I gotta say this . We as women tend to stay in unhealthy relationships for the kids . I’m sorry I won’t live by that standard of life . I understand u want ur kids around 24/7 but it’s still not good for them to see u unhappy . So why not give urself a chance at being happy for urself and think of ur son too . Ur baby girls will adjust . Ur not mistreating them ur just choosing to be happy also

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Y’all split for a reason. Stay split. It’s an adjustment when parents split. The best thing you can do for your girls is encourage the time with dad too.

Always choose your children first

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9 times out of 10 if it didn’t work the first time it won’t work the 2nd

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Your children must be your first priority always

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It’s never right to stay for the kids. Maybe revisit the custody schedule and/or get some personal counseling. I stayed for the kids for far too long. My son who is 19 asked me why I didnt tell them and just leave. Mind you that this kid was team Dad even after Dad left until Dad accidentally mixed up his lies and told the truth. We have 3 Children 19,16,and 11. Hes been gone now for a year, and only visits with our youngest because she can still be manipulated. With or without a new love interest staying for the kids just doesn’t make sense.

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I would personally change contact and have the kids with you and dad have them at weekend,
I presume he lives near you so kids can go to school if school age, if not then they do need to be with mum to go to school and have a regular routine. what may be a rule and routine at yours may be totally different rules and routine at dads so the kids are going to get confused. Dad can always have kids in school holidays
As for getting back with him I would stay away
There’s a reason you have been split for this long and moved on
He probably only wants to get back with you if he knows you with someone else and is jealous

There’s a lot to unpack here and I don’t even know where to start. If your son feels left out; why would you stay with that man to begin with? There are other custody agreements that you can decide on that work better for you and your girls. Don’t stay in any relationship for the kids because you are teaching them that it’s okay to be in an unhealthy/toxic relationship and that can be mentally taxing for your kids because who wants to grow up in a miserable home where there is no love? There are going to be a lot of new guys in your life if you decide to stay gone, but they aren’t going to go anywhere if you don’t have your feet under you. Right now you are so wishy washy as it and not only do you have you to think about but you have three other little babies that are looking wondering what you are going to do next. Make a decision and stick with it.

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Do what’s best for you and your kids

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First and foremost, yes you keep your kids in mind but the ultimate deciding factor is YOU and YOUR FEELINGS. Whoever makes you truly happy is the one you should pick. Your kids will see your happiness.
And just bc you split doesn’t mean you should lose your kids either. If your kids are old enough let them decide if a whole week w dad is what they want. You do need a break though and kids usually adjust pretty well. So really think it through. Unless you really love your ex and couldn’t imagine being without him then move on girl. And you can still leave your ex without having to jump right into another relationship. I would give it some time between being with anyone else. It just makes things harder and your heart gets confused easily.
Good luck I hope whatever you decide it goes well. :sunflower:

I stayed in a relationship that was miserable for 15 years for my kids. It turned out to be more harmful for them the beneficial. Staying with your new boyfriend or going back should be a choice you make based on how you feel in your heart. Don’t ever look at it like choosing a man over your kids.
Kids need a happy loving home to learn to form healthy relationships of their own. Be happy. Yes it’s an adjustment for the girls but with time it will become routine. Just keep it up. If it’s too much then maybe switch to weekends at dads or something for their sake.
Leaving and finding someone who loves me for me and is absolutely amazing was the best choice I ever made! For me and for my kids.
Good luck :slightly_smiling_face:

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Do not go back. He didn’t change. Things will not get better. Your kids deserve a happy mom.

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Why would you lose your daughter’s every other week if you “move on” with this guy? And why would your son feel left out if you go back to the ex? If you r no longer in love with the ex , I wouldn’t go back to him. But I would never make a move to lose my kids completely for anyone.

The thought of staying for your kids is one many people chase around. Take a hard look at your life, what lessons will they learn if you stay? I stayed to long for this reason. I taught my daughter that it’s okay to be used, it’s okay to put up with crap that one one should, I thought her perspective and perseverance too. You have to fully weight what you are teaching both verbally and non verbally. They are watching everything.

It depends on why you and your ex split up. Sometimes it’s worse to stay with somebody for the kids because the kids are gonna see you unhappy and you guys constantly fighting. Exs are exes for a reason. If this guy makes you really happy I would stay with him because if you split with your daughters father clearly you werent happy for whatever reason. Lifes to short to spend it with someone that doesnt make you happy.

If there’s no actual custody agreement through the courts then I’d go file a new one with a better agreement. So you have a better plan if you go with the new guy.
He can’t take your kids because your in a new relationship.

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Kids come first always. If you’re ever in a situation where you have to pick your kids, pick your kids. You don’t have to be with your ex to pick your kids either though.

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I did joint custody. We decided instead of switching every week we each had set days and then every other weekend. The longest their gone that way is 5 days. Ex. My days were Mon and Tuesday drop at school wed morning dad picked up his days were Wed and thurs. then alternated weekends Fri. Sat. and Sunday. We did it until they were 18.

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Be single and date. But focus mainly on your children and your well-being as a single person. Give your break-up time before moving on.

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I dont see how you are losing everything or your kids by moving on with your life. If your ex wants to be spiteful and control things then do whatever you need to for the parenting plan to be in order and on paper…

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Why would you lose your girls if you move on? I’m confused

Kids come first, always . Which doesn’t require you to be with either mam

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Why would your son be left out?

Never pick a man over your children . Never.

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Why are you not picking yourself? Jumping into another relationship before healing from the previous one is a recipe for disaster

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Be careful. The new guy looks better than he is because you’re comparing him to the old one. And never go back because you don’t want to share your kids.

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Depends on why you and your ex split up. You say the new guy makes you feel safe. If no custody agreement , then go to court and get primary physical custody. Your ex can have every other weekend and every other holiday. Especially if there’s a legit reason you don’t feel safe.

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The realtionship with ur husband is over if u are entertaining another man

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Every other week is hard on kids. It would be hard on me. I wouldn’t chose anyone or anything over my kids. Especially young children.

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My ex and I had 50/50 custody, either one of us wanted to go a week with out seeing our kids.
We did Monday- Wed with me
Wed eve thur Saturday a.m with him. We went ever other Saturday,
when he had them for Saturday I would get the kids back Sunday @10. This work out great for us, it was nice same schedule every week

There is a reason you and you girl’s father are no longer together. I understand you wanna be with you girls all the time but your son also don’t need to feel left out. There is more to the story. Slow down no need to rush into a new relationship. Also, sometimes it hurts your children more when you’re in a unhealthy relationship. You gotta think of you too. :orange_heart:

I went back because I wanted to truly give us a chance to give our all. And I did. He didn’t. And I too eventually met someone amazing and have been together since. Because my ex and I grew up in divorced households, we knew them being with me full time and he gets his kids anytime he wants. He also comes and just hangs out in their environment until it became normal. It took us 9 years to get to it tho with a ton of mistakes and tears. But I would encourage to listen to your heart. Feeling safe is super important.

Your kids come first. Never roll out of one relationship into another one. Spend some time alone. Learn about you. Who you are. What you need/want. Don’t pin yourself with anyone else to be happy. You have to be happy alone. In yourself, by yourself……

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I don’t understand why she needs to tell her ex who she is with regardless and why they would get week on week off without going thro court and why would her son be left out. Like this whole post is confusing

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Hes manipulating you and using your children to do it. I was in the same situation with my ex. I chose the other guy and my ex got mad and attempted to use my kids against me. We deserve to be happy and it shouldnt depend on the father to make OUR choices for us.

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I would stay out of both relationships. Neither will make you happy.

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I say move on. Having your girls every other wk is nice enjoy the break. Your not loosing them. If you really like this guy take it slow and see where it goes…never stay in a relationship for kids in the end it leads to resentment. You guys obviously split for a reason.

-Why did you split? -Mutual, his decsion, your decision?
-is there a custody agreement?
-if no custody agreement, maybe you can sit with the ex and discuss extra time with you because both you AND more important- the girls, want more time with you.
-if no custody agreement then get one if he will not comply. If no custody agreement and no child support is an order, he may rethink it because then he will probably have to pay child support if you perceive with a custody order.
-I also say slow down with the new relationship. If you are happy with him, then I would say proceed with the new relationship but take your time. Going back to the ex will not change anything unless you guys both go through counseling. I feel the same problems will arise which caused the breakup in the first place.

Why would you risk losing your children. What you do to them now will dictate whether or not you have a relationship with them that is decent.

As a woman who stayed 10 years " for my child" don’t your only causing them way more psychological and emotional damage than you will leaving. We often say " it’s for the kids" when in reality we are just terrified of the unknown of it all.

50/50 and move on with your life. The father deserves to see his kids just as much. “If I stay I can call the shots”. You sound like every controlling bitter baby momma out there acting like a father has no say.

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At the end of the day, you left the girls dad for some reason. If you not sincerely happy within yourself it doesn’t matter how often they’re with you. It will be off unless YOU are truly happy

You have only been single 6 months. Take time to get yourself together before you get in a relationship. You don’t have to have a man. Your kids well being and happiness has to come first.

You’re not losing everything if you choose the better man. You and him didn’t work out, why would that change now? You going back would only cost you a good and better man for yourself. You aren’t losing everything by staying with the man you’re currently with, who treats you better and makes you feel safe. That matters, that’s important. You’re just gonna end up splitting up again. You can always go to court and fight for a different custody agreement. Don’t go back to a man who isn’t good for you just because he’s the father of your girls. Children need to see their parents happy and healthy, staying for them will hurt them in the long run.

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I don’t know your situation with your ex, but: Speaking from both a child of divorce and having been divorced myself, staying in an unhappy relationship just for the kids will do more harm than good for them. It’s important to have them see both parents in happy and healthy relationships (or happy on their own). You’re also your own person still and deserve to be happy

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If your ex wants to get back together insist on couples counseling. It can help clear the air. Let him know this is to help you both decide IF you should give it another try. You may not end up together but it will help you communicate better with coparenting. IMO if it doesn’t work out with the ex, you should take a big break from all relationships. Focus on improving you and being there for your children. What do you want your life to look like in 10 years? Go back to school, pursue your goals. Be an example of a strong woman to your children. Good luck :four_leaf_clover:

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I guess if it were me I’d go back to my husband and try to make it work so that I could be around my kids all the time.

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Ex is a Ex for a reason… Also you don’t need to control everything all the time esp if you have help with the kids…don’t do it for any man do it for YOU

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I would do what your heart tells you to do. Your Ex is the Ex for a reason ! Don’t go that road again.

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Do not go back just because it’s easier. Your kids will adjust and let me tell you something, kids NEED time away from their mother. It’s good for the both of you. It gives both of you the space to grow without each other. No one said it was easy. Keep pushing forward!!! Do not let what’s hard make you want to go back to the situation you was in. You left for a reason. Now you’ve found someone special. I repeat, keep pushing forward!! See where it goes. I kinda feel like the dad only wants to get back together because he isn’t enjoying taking care of his kids part time. That’s what he prob wants you back for :unamused: could be my triggers coming back out tho.

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You always do what’s best for your kids use your brean not your Hart

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You should worry about your kids before getting into another relationship you bitter BM. Man you for the streets :man_facepalming:t4:

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You need to pick YOU!! It is not selfish for you to pick your happiness. You and your ex split for a reason. Going back because you have children together isn’t a reason to be together. Parents splitting up is always hard on the children, but in the end, it will benefit them more to have two happy parents who aren’t together than to have two unhappy parents who are together. It’s going to be an adjustment for everyone involved, but in the end, your relationship with your ex should be a co-parenting relationship and nothing more.

Out of curiosity, before this new guy came into the picture, did your ex want you back? A lot of men, women too, don’t want what they had until they see someone else with it. It’s like a child with a toy. They don’t want it, but they don’t want someone else to have it.

I understand this is hard on your daughters, but you moving on does not mean that you’re losing them. They’re still your daughters, you’re still their momma.

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People can change at least you can do is give your ex a chance these people on here act like people don’t ever change win they do

pick neither until you’re sure of what you want.

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Maybe you can change the visitation you have them four days he has them three just a suggestion- maybe he lives too far away is something like this possible?

If your kids father doesn’t make you happy, then I would suggest that you move on. Unhappy mother and father= unhappy kids. Do what’s best for your family! If he’s not abusive and provides then maybe working it out wouldn’t be that bad

Have you done a background check on this guy you’ve known for six months before even considering letting him around your kids ? I knew my husband for FIVE YEARS before we moved in with together with kids

The ex is a ex for a reason and children are never the reason to stay together.

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I think choose you,what makes u happy. You need to be balanced to be a good parent to your kids and you co parenting isn’t a problem.i bet u and your ex have broken up more than once and he said he would change but never did.so sometimes u are better of starting afresh it’s not selfish your kids will understand in the long run.

You move on hunny, your ex wants you now but what about next year

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You can’t stay for your children…your children should see you happy not in a miserable relationship just to keep the family together. If you’re already thinking about staying with the ex even though u met a great guy let the guy know he doesn’t deserve to be strung along like that until you make a choice

Staying with someone for your kids and being unhappy is not going to make the situation any better. I think I would take time away from men in general right now and focus on yourself and your children!

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I messed my kids up a little. I stayed with there dad for 11 year and I was so unhappy. My oldest son chose to live with his father (he’s 11 now) so I let him. I broke my heart because I really miss him. But we are all in healthy relationships now.

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Well staying in a relationship JUST for your children is going to be more detrimental to their mental health in long run.

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Your kids are his kids too, equally, regardless.

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I’d stay single for awhile. Get a better head on your shoulders. Definitely take some time to think on it!

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Why did y’all split? Think about that. Maybe you should put that in the past and move forward. Talk to your girls and son about getting back with him. They are probably confused and insecure. You say " he’s so grown up". I’m guessing he’s young. Very young. You wouldn’t say that if he were your age or older. Think about that. Does he want a commitment for life ? With kids? Pray about it. Talk to him as well about future expectations. God bless.