I'm unhappy in my relationship and I don't know how to fix it

Relationships
1
My husband and I have been together for almost 6 years, and we have 3 children. I didn't realize it at first, but from the very start of our relationship, he has had an addiction to pornography. I understand some people are perfectly fine with their partner watching porn, but we both established from the beginning that for us, it is cheating. I would see that he was watching it on his phone, and we would talk about it. I would express that it makes me uncomfortable and hurts my feelings, and he would promise he'd never do it again, ect. This has went on for almost 6 years. But there have been a few instances where it hurt me worse than usual and I just can't get past it. For example, I have a lot of self confidence issues with myself. It was my birthday, I wanted to step out of my comfort zone and go to the beach in a bathing suit. I spent forever online finding a bathing suit, hoping that he would love it. It came and I tried it on, he said he loved it. But within an hour on his phone, he was looking at all these photos online of other "perfect looking" women in bikinis. And it just brought me down further. Another instance, I would buy clothing items online (bras, ect.) and after I got them, he would go to the review section of said clothing items and get off to the photos that other women left with their review of the item. Or when I have given birth, the first night home from the hospital he was looking at porn. At a certain point over the years of trying so hard to just be enough for him, I have kind of fallen out of love in that way. I still very much care about him, he's an amazing person and a great father. But I have tried and tried to forgive and look past certain things, and I just can't. He doesn't make me feel beautiful anymore, and I don't feel the same way about him that I used to. I guess I'm just looking for some advice on how you would feel or what you would do in my case? I know this was long, thank you in advance.
2

That’s tough! You need to feel beautiful and secure in your relationship which consist of being pursued. If you feel like the marriage is worth saving then I’d strongly suggest couples counseling so you can talk these things out together. My biggest issue with that would be the “I’ll never do it again” and lying. Next question is can you ever forgive him? Because if you can’t answer yes to both of those questions then leave. You deserve to feel wanted and loved! Good luck

3

So I just wanna say that I have been through exactly this except when me and hubby got together we would watch porn together. After having our girls my body changed and everything your going through I went through. It got to the point that I was so fed up I couldn’t take it anymore…so I worked out! I bought a bikini I wanted to fit into and wore it everytime I worked out. I also had a tough time with this but self love!!! You have got to learn to love yourself before anyone else!! I also wanted him to feel my pain so I got a lil payback that knocked him right back down to reality. Do the same thing he does and just say hey! What’s good for the goose is good for the gander!! I hope you get to read this because It sucks feeling this way! Much love!!!

4

he’s wrong to lie and even worse what you said about getting off to the pictures on the reviews, that’s. . . . alarming I’d be concerned for the safety of my children at that point because, that’s not even porn, on top of how disrespectful that is too you, that’s just inching towards depravity and then not even trying to hide it.
point number two. you can’t force someone to change. they can make promises left and right but they’ll always break them unless they decide for themselves, not because of outside force, that they want to change or because they don’t want to hurt you. point three. he’s not respecting you. some of those instances are plain wrong, like after you gave birth? he’s more concerned about getting off than being supportive? can’t even be bothered to do that when you won’t notice? he needs serious help.

5

My spouse and I have dealt with it and it has caused major issues bc it carries over to effecting bedroom activities. We had to do some research to install an app on his phone along with adjusting phone settings to prevent him from accessing it. He was hiding it telling me he hadn’t been watching it til I walked in on him…I have a high drive but he doesn’t so when he watched it I feel extremely betrayed bc that is taking away from what should be OUR shared intimate experiences. It doesn’t help that he watches transsexual m2f porn…and did so within a week of me giving birth. Had we not had a childr together I would leave. I also found out he slept with many women he “forgot” about right before we started dating that he still remained FB friends with and held conversations about our relationship with…as well as made inappropriate comments and offers to help them out with various tasks around their house, also while we have been together. I had to put a stop to it. It’s always in the back of my mind he may cheat someday or there may be more he is doing behind my back than what I am aware of. Trust will never be earned back…before I discovered all of this, I thought he was the perfect guy. Looks can be deceiving. But like I said I am not ready to walk away so in addition to the app we have a GPS app on both of our phones and a RING as well as indoor cameras. These are all things we utilize for our children but we can also use in other ways like seeing what eachother is up to. He honestly wouldnt have the time to cheat on me and I don’t think he has but he is going away for a 3 day dad’s retreat in STL where some of his LGBTQ “friends” (whom he has a sexual history with) live. I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t leery. I have a lot of reasons to have issues with porn besides just the porn itself, but do you? If you mutually established it was cheating and he betrayed your trust by viewing in anyway then it likely IS an addiction of which he is ashamed … Look into porn apps like Covenant Eyes. If he has an iPhone call them for further instructions for configuring the phone completely as iphones have loopholes…also look into individual AND marriage counseling. Our counselor asked me if this relationship was a good fit for me. We have a different set of morals and values from one another but unfortunately I wasn’t aware until feelings and a child were involved. I know it’s hard when it’s head vs heart to make a decision. Best of luck to you!

6

Love doesn’t cure addiction, and once your body depends on it to make it an addiction its possible, but hard to stop. With how it’s sounds he cannot even enjoy reality which is heart breaking…He should seek help because not only did this affect you, but if you ever do divorce it will also affect the next person if that’s their boundary. As a person you care for him and for doing such then I’m sure you’d want him to stop not only for others, but himself.
Im sorry all the hurt and pain that’s been caused, without addiction help it’s doubtful he would ever improve by himself without a group or change somewhere to get him out of that.

7

Porn isn’t the issue. Many men and women can respectfully look at it and enjoy it WITHOUT being addicted and abusing it. Seems to me that if he is openly doing so, he’s trying to hurt you. Have the conversation and say enough is enough. Now, you aren’t his mother and can’t control what he watches and looks at. BUT it’s the way he’s doing it is… rather creepy.
For example my husband and I will watch together! Or separately on our own personal time. But we have rules about when it’s watched. If we are both home and willing, you don’t seek sexual fulfillment from anything (porn, toys) but each other. If we are home and one person isn’t in the mood, then we either just let the urge pass or help the other person.
You need to come together as a married couple and understand that some people just need porn in order to get there. Understand his needs but you also need to put some rules behind them.
All I’m saying is it’s the way he is going about it. It’s disrespectful. Set rules and boundaries on his side, but you also need to be more open and secure in your relationship.