My husband of 5 years refuses to help me with the kids in the middle of the night just because he has to work the next day…even on the weekends he will not help because he " is catching up on sleep" I am exhausted with a newborn and a toddler who hate sleeping at night…is this normal? For husbands not to help?
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There is a lot more to know before anyone can give you any real advice, but based of such skimpy details, I’ll try to make some suggestions since you asked.
1.) Do you also work outside the home?
2.) Is his job very physical?
3.) Does he work long hours?
He really should help on the weekends.
I understand his point about needing his sleep if he is the only one bringing home a paycheck. If he loses his job because of poor performance due to lack of sleep, where will you be then?
You should have a calm discussion about what he would need to do.
Try talking when you are both calm and rested.
I hope you can find a compromise that works for you.
I wish you both well.
Start sleeping when the kids sleep. Ignore all needs of your husband. This is what he’s doing to you. When he gets mad explain to him you found a way to take care of the kids without his help, and the solution was that you’d adapt to the kids so you too could “catch up on sleep”
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His responsibilities don’t end at splooging. He made them, he helps.
Stop washing his clothes and making him meals.
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When my kids were little I did everything…as a stay at home mom as well…husband worked from dawn til dusk 5 to 6 days a week. I never expected him to get up in the middle of the night to take care of the kids.
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Not normal at alll. He is a husband and father. He has to play those roles as well.
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Nope its not normal - throw the whole man out.
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Absolutely outrageous. I’m 33 weeks pregnant with my 3rd and have a 3 and 2 year old. My husband works Mon-Fri so I get up with kids on weekdays. I work Fri-Sun so he gets up with the kids on weekends so I can sleep. He also will get up in the middle of the night on weekdays if he here’s them. My husband does back breaking labor work and still helps with the children without me even asking. The fact that people think it’s okay for you to be exhausted with no help just because in their eyes a stay at home mom doesn’t work is ridiculous. You deserve ATLEAST 1 morning sleeping in to recharge.
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You didn’t make those children by your self! Just because he works doesn’t mean he stops being a parent, it’s exhausting, especially if you have more them 1 child, I know when my daughter was a new born I had a hard time stay awake nursing her at times so my husband would make her a bottle and feed her just to let me sleep abit, but I also slept when she did the fist few months, I hope he starts to help out durn the nights!
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What’s normal to others isn’t really relevant. If you’re needing some help it’s important that you have the freedom to communicate it and that your partner steps up when needed. I would start by having a heart to heart and cleary express your needs (dont do it in the heat of an argument or frustration. Talk when you’re both in a good mood). Maybe even ask him a question like, “when does my shift end? Or when do I get a little relief?” Try to pose these questions in a matter of fact tone so they can really be food for thought and he doesn’t feel attacked. If clearly expressing how you feel and that you need him doesn’t help, marriage counseling might be a good next step.
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Yes and no lol. I feel that most men help, but only to a certain extent and only if you ask or demand it. You definitely are not alone in that situation which makes it normal, that doesn’t make it “ok” though.
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Mine helps weekends. Weekdays he has to be up by 2am. Im lucky enough to get to be a SAHM. But if you are working too. Im sorry, thats rough 
it does get easier as they grow older! Hang in there
Nope not normal, in a relationship where it’s a partnership.
He works, well so do you, bring a mum is a full time job.
Very selfish of him.
Even in the weekend he’s catching up on sleep, is he for real? What a selfish prick
Not a marriage of mutual love and respect for one another.
Nope. Not normal! Find a new man! That’s selfish
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My husband doesn’t wake with the kids but I’m a sahm. But I also schedule mommy day off. Where I have the little whose breastfed and I leave the house and he is responsible for the other 2. I’ve gone to my mom’s and watched movies and napped all day or gone window shopping and ate at a restaurant.
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Not normal, selfish is the word you are looking for.
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Idk if I’d say normal or not normal. But in comparison I have a 2 week old. My husband is taking 6 weeks off work and is currently doing all house work and cooking for me so I can rest. Also every other night he lets me have uninterrupted sleep and gets up with the baby. I get incredible help and support
I have a partner who didn’t made two out of three kids who still gets up with any of them. World two jobs, one full time, one part time. Is on call most nights during the week and every second weekend. He will even get up with them on his weekends off to let me sleep a bit more.
I always got up with the baby because my ex had to be to work at 5am and I didn’t have to be to my job until 10 am. It just felt fair so that we both got sleep. If this doesn’t work for your situation though, you deserve to be heard and offered a solution. I will say the weekends thing is BS… you don’t get a day off from parenting, that’s not how it works.
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He works would you want his lack of sleep to cause him to lose his job or have an accident while driving, concentrate on getting your kids to sleep bedtime routines and such or make it possible to co sleep with them in their room on nights when they have trouble sleeping
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Definitely not normal! My partner works 8-4, Monday-Friday and he helps as much as he can.
I usually wake up/stay up with her in the middle of the night but he will always wake up and offer to help in any way. I usually refuse because I am happy to take care of her during week nights but the fact that he offers help, whether it’s to get a bottle for her or water for me, turn the tv on or any gesture like that… the offer is appreciated much more than if he just ignored it altogether.
We never had to have the conversation, it’s been automatic for him since she was born… but it sounds like there’s a conversation for you two to be had.
That’s not fair to you whatsoever! He may wake up and leave the house to go to work but your job js 24/7, 365 days, and you’re never off the clock. He needs to step it up.
No that’s not normal, & for anyone who says it is, they have a shitty husband too. Being a mom is a 24/7 job, we don’t get to clock out. & unless you’re having a nanny raise your baby it’s going to be exhausting & it’s going to take team work the first few months. Tell him to man up & be a dad or to leave. I wouldn’t tolerate that type of behavior from a man.
He’s a parent he needs to help. My husband doesn’t get up with our daughter at night. Though he tried a few times but she just yells for momma anyways lol
My husband helped with both kids. We would alternate nights. He worked and I also worked. When I was a sahm he still helped.
He can definitely help on the weekends, he works but so do you and from the sounds of it you never get a break from getting up at night. It’s what is and what is not okay in your relationship or marriage that matters honestly.
My partner get’s up both Friday night and Saturday night. I do the rest. However Saturday morning he gets up with the kids so I can lay in and I get up Sunday so he can lay in ready for work Monday. It wasn’t always like it is, I was doing everything even after having a c-section but I had enough and I say down and told him that he needed to do more on a night and that is what we came up with so it was fair he got to sleep when he had work, he is a roofer so don’t want him been tired and falling off roof but also because we felt if one person was doing the routine through the week hopefully our son would sleep through because it was the same routine and nothing any differently because it was mum or dad. Honestly hun, speak to him, express your feelings and just ask for maybe one night a week help from him. However you do need to make time for yourself during the day too, maybe to go do the food shopping alone or going for a walk. He chose to have those children with you, he doesn’t get to pick and chose how a parent should be and which parent does everything xxx
my husband helps with our kids when ever needed he wakes up with our daughter on the weekends if I wake him up but because he works so much I usely do everything that has to do with the kids cause am a SAHM
It’s normal if you allow it…
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He helped make them so he can help with them. Any time of the day or night. He’s still their dad. Tell him to step up.
He is a parent he for sure should be helping you, try to communicate your needs. And try to get into a routine, for example I am 8 weeks PP I go back to work in one week. My husband also works, this is what works for us…… maybe it can help you. Around 730pm I get my 9yr old and 2yr old to bed, then I lay down with them (my husband takes care of our newborn) then around midnight my husband will wake me up and I take care of our newborn for all the late night early morning feedings, I’m now getting around six hours of sleep and so is he, instead of off and on switching
I don’t know if that’s normal but mine would help in the middle of night and sometimes even sleep with the baby in the guest room so I could get a full nights rest.
My husband worked 16-18 hr days 6-7 days a week and still got up with ours.
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Yes for selfish people and no for those who cares about their wives and kids
They think it’s normal. For some reason women will always have the bigger load in parenting, unless you get one of those magic unicorns of a man that loves parenting.
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Mine never helped 
Do you work outside the home? Is he the breadwinner? Are you a stay home mom. That all factors in. Is he working 14 hour days. If he’s the main bread winner suck it up. Single mothers work with no sleep with babies.
I never made mine get up. If I am not working and he is why should he wake up. It’s far more dangerous for him then myself.
Even now we have a toddler that wakes up I have a 10 min drive into work he has a lot longer drive and a lot more dangerous job. He sleeps I wake up
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Should be 50/50, you both made the kids you both should be taking care of them and waking up in the middle of the night with them.
Husband needs sleep when he works.
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These replies are wild.
Where are you guys finding these men who work full time and get up with babies when the mom doesn’t work??
Every couple I know when the mom doesn’t work, she gets up with the babies.
Both parents work, the load is split.
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When I was on maternity leave I got up in the middle of the night. When I went back to work we traded off getting up.
I’d say it’s completely normal but also dead wrong! They should def help on the weekends.
My partner works and gets tired at times but he always helps. He gets up at night with the baby and helps with the other two children we have aswell. So he needs to step up work or not.
I was a stay at home mom and hubby worked so I woke up with the kids at night. Sometimes on the weekend if he was off the next day if he planned on staying up late he would do the first feeding that they woke up for and o would go to sleep earlier.
He should care enough about your well being to want to help. He is definitely wrong.
Both my husband and I work. We both got up with the kids when they were little. We took turns. Some days I was up more, some days he was. It’s a partnership. Tell your husband how you feel. Even though you are staying at home, you are still working, and need to have time for yourself.
I hate this mentality that has been created where it is on the woman to do everything for the family and home care while the man just works and that’s it. He took part in creating those kids and should take responsibility in helping too.
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No! He is their father and therefore should help when needed… His mind set is selfish.
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Been there done that. I just stopped doing stuff for him…ignoring him or anything he needed help with…
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It is not normal. He is a selfish man.
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Have you asked him to help? Have you asked him to make a bottle? Change a diaper? Have you handed him the baby and said that you needed to lay down for a bit?
My other ? To this is ok he’s not helping at night. Is he helping during the day / after work with anything? Cleaning making meals looking after other kids etc. daycare drops or pickup etc
Where all you ladies are complaining and being snobby about help help can come in so many forms.
I will take a meal n cleanup any day over sleeping
Prayers for your husband Amene
Yeah not normal… and call his mom and tell her she raised a lil B**** lol
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Nope, I did it husband use to get up at4 am for work drive 45 minutes. When I went back we took turns
In our house, my responsibility is the house and kids when my husband is working…when he’s home we’re both on house and kids duty.
My “working” hours are the same as his.
Sure some days I pick up more of the slack if he had a bad day but he also does it for me if I had a bad day.
I also NEED sleep and my husband can function on 4 hrs of sleep at night haha so there’s that.
But honestly it’s all about what works for both of you, and obviously it’s not working for you so he should step up.
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Not normal in my house. But every home is different. Mine works a 2nd/3rd split shift. But he has always gotten up with the kids. He also for goes sleep to spend time with them and me.
I’d say it’s 50/50 girl don’t settle go get the other kind lol
I wouldn’t expect my husband to get up through the night if they were working the next morning… However I’d expect home to pull his weight at the weekends
It really isn’t about what you “allow”
Like has already been mentioned it’s about communicating. And in your relationship (in any area… Not just about night feed ect) if you are unhappy about a situation and explain how it makes you feel and the response is unreasonable. Then it’s down to wither you are going to accept it and continue picking up the slack on them areas… But be warned if you do this… Then he will behave the same way in all aspects.
Good luck mamma.
Mine hardly got up in middle of night to help and was working 2nd shift at time or first he occasionally only way I. Got help if left said here and left your kids too. He does though help more than some.
My husband won’t wake with the kids because he sleeps like the dead. But if I’m at my wits end and I wake him up he will help. If you need help, he needs to help
If he fucks up on the job, you dont get to be a stay at home mom anymore. sleep when they sleep.
No! It’s childish and extremely selfish!