I’m a mother of 17-year-old twin girls. When I was married to my ex-husband (not their father), he was abusive in every way possible, wouldn’t hold a job. It took me a long time to get away from him. During the time with him, we moved a lot, the kids changed schools etc, because I was the only one contributing to the household income, and I couldn’t do it all on just my income. During this time, my girls were strong; they helped me a lot, were honor students, all of that. This was their middle school years, 6th-8th grade. They started high school, we moved once more, out of district. Their school allowed them to stay, since they only had 2 years of school left, and gave them special permission. The youngest of the twins was showing signs of depression. I sought therapy for her. She sees a psychiatrist, has medication and sees a therapist. When the pandemic started and the kids went virtual, both of the girl’s grades started to drop. The oldest of the twins has since gotten herself together. She dropped AP classes and is focusing on her grade level graduation requirement. The youngest of the twins just doesn’t seem to care. They’re in talks of revoking her special permission, with 5 months left until graduation. No matter what I do or say, she just doesn’t seem to care. We have had meetings with the school, counselors, teachers. The school even tried an intervention for her where they sat me, her, the principal and all of her teachers down together. She has been told a dozen times by a dozen people that graduation is in jeopardy. She has a support system. Her grandparents on my side, her dads side and both step-parents are involved. As are her aunts and uncles, both parents and step-parents. So, am I an assho!e mom for telling her that if she doesn’t graduate, she has to pay her parents back for the money that we have shelled out for senior year? At this point, we have spent (for both girls) $800 for senior pictures, $200 on yearbooks, $120 cap & gown, $250 on class rings. Her step-dad and I spent $2000 on the rental for senior week. I want my kids to experience and enjoy everything possible during their very unusual senior year and keep it as normal as we possibly can for them. She was diagnosed with depression, social anxiety, OCD, and ADHD, but we are actively treating those issues. And she has no issue getting up and going to work, no issue doing what SHE wants to do.
Do you want her to pay you back for her hospital stay for her birth as well??? She’s your child, unconditional love… If said treatment isn’t working, seek other, stay away from shit relationships that bring the children down!
Really? She is still a kid. She isn’t 18, it’s your responsibility. Sounds like she needs lots of love, guidance and people to be patient with her. She’s still a minor, I don’t feel like tough love is best in that kind of situation especially considering her mental health issues.
2020 and now 2021 has been hard on everybody so I can understand how she is going through some things. Being a teenager in high school can be overwhelming in itself. With that being said, she is 17. She’s not quite a legal adult yet and asking her to pay is just going to stress her out even more. Have you tried talking to her one on one?
So when your girls were younger they seen you in an abusive relationship, helped you while you were struggling (they were too), moved multiple times, changed schools, lost friends, etc. You made bad choices and gave them an unstable childhood! Now you’re asking if she should give you money because she has mental issues due to your parenting? Hell no she shouldn’t. You should pay for her therapy for life. The girls need help. You are the reason she seems like she doesn’t care. Maybe she does care but can’t because she has deeper issues than you can imagine.
I have a sophomore with similar issues. Threatening her with money isn’t going to change anything. Based on her diagnosis, she is not okay. She may seem so, but she’s not. It’s not about the money, you might end up pushing her away when she needs you the most.
Perfect example for natural consequences. You know your child and her therapist should offer recommendations. If she is as you say this is what I would do. She doesn’t graduate from school do not support her. Make her get a full-time job. She does her own daily care. Cook, clean, go to work, pay for EVERYTHING she needs to be an adult. Set rules. If she doesn’t follow you can have her find other accommodations. Don’t do anything for her at all. No reminders or anything. Give all numbers for her doctors and such and she is responsible for it all. She wants to make the decisions then she can do it for all of them.
This might sound rough but I have special needs children that I have worked with and included their therapists in decisions. If they do this then the consequences are this. Our children know we will not support them after HS. That’s their job. We will guide them to the right path and resources but it will be up to them. They don’t graduate then they go full time into adulthood with NO support from us.
You would be essentially punishing her for struggling with her mental health and not reaching your time line.
No matter how many people sit her down to get her to finish her school requirements- it won’t matter if she is depressed.
You are just going to make it worse by making her feel like a failure for something she can’t control. If she was doing drugs or making other bad choices leading to her being behind-okay I would be on top of her. But that isn’t going to work here.
Surely you could get some of that money back on whatever you rented. The other things you are just going to have to eat the cost of.
She needs real support to get through this hard time and asking her to pay you back isn’t that.
She asked for opinions, not judgement. There’s no point to be rude about it. Hi, sweetheart. I know how difficult school is right now, and your daughter probably isn’t really stable right now. I am a senior in high school, too, and I know how hard it is to keep grades up right now. You’re going to get frustrated, and your daughter is going to get frustrated, too. The best thing you can do for her is to check on her and help her as much as you can. Both of my older sisters have their GED’s (my oldest sister dropped out her senior year), and they’re both raising families and are living a good life. Some lives aren’t the same for other people, so maybe if you give your daughter some space (while still checking on her and helping her when she needs it) she will be living the life she wants. She’s old enough to be making her decisions, and I do not think making her pay back anything will help. You made the decision to have children, they didn’t ask for life, so I feel that they do not owe you anything. She is almost an adult, and I’m sure that she truly appreciates everything that everyone is doing for her. It might not seem like it, but this is a really stressful time in her life right now. I wish you the best, hun.
I’ve been diagnosed with all of the same things your daughter has plus some, as a result of what sounds like pretty much the exact situation as my mother put me through plus a little bit more. I’m still super affected by it and my mother and I have no relationship anymore. I’m grown with children now. You should support her through her mental health issues and then maybe later on she can complete her diploma. Just because it’s not during your timing doesn’t mean she won’t. If you love her then you will be her support and get her the help she needs. Or you could choose what my mother did and choose to be out of mine and my children’s lives because she will never own up to the awful things she put me through from a toddler till recently. I hope you make the right choice and wish your daughter and you the best of luck. The last thing your daughter needs is no family support like me and my children now. Its heartbreaking.
GED is acceptable & an easy do. No you don’t get that money back, she’s still a minor and in need of ongoing Mental Health treatment.
Sound like she needs help. I don’t think tough love is the way to go with this. This year has been extremely depressing for even the strongest person. I couldnt imagine being a child during all this.
I don’t agree with you. I don’t think you should make your child pay you back. From what you’ve said she suffers with mental health, why add more on to her? If anything you could make her mental health worse.
You’d be wrong to ask her for that. She’s obviously struggling mentally and it’s affecting her education more than it should be. She needs more help than she’s getting, maybe more love too. Not saying you don’t give her love but she might need it in a different form or from someone else. But seriously, she’s still a child and you chose to do all that for her. Tough love isn’t the best option in this situation considering she has mental health issues going on and getting worse. Her unstable childhood probably has a lot to do with the mental health issues at hand.
Don’t put more on her, she’s just a kid. Does she see a Therapist weekly? She should. She needs more love, attention and understanding not more consequences. Best wishes.
Why? Why have children if they are just taking up your money thats all this is about to you is money. If you gave a crap about your children this wouldn’t even be a question when you become a parent you are responsible for love support financial Needs to be there no matter what and just show that you love her and you of all people have her back. No amount of money is worth losing your child over ever I feel for her because those are very hard things to deal with and I hope and pray she is able to get any and all help she needs because if you are more worried about money then her mental health and wellness you won’t be worried about that if she does something very serious and won’t be around anymore think about that and consider that…
Hun until that kid is 18! You are the sole person responsible for providing for them you don’t get to charge your kid a fee for being raised wtf is wrong with you? Sounds like you both need to go to therapy asap!
I would not make her pay it back… she has all of those things going on, and while she has all these people telling her she needs to do it, maybe she just can’t. Depression is strange and the world we live in is even more bizarre right now. I can’t even imagine trying to be a senior during all of this. I understand how frustrating this is, esp bc one of the twins was able to pull it together, but they’re each their own person. Just my opinion
Shes clearly struggling and you want to punish her for that?! Poor young lady, I feel so sorry for her.
This can’t be real!?!? She is your child!! I wish I had a mother to even pay my senior year off but I did that on my own and worked my ass off for it to. She obviously needs some help and guidance and you wanting her to pay you back is just mind blowing. This has got to be a joke?! Stop just stop Jesus hell I hope she gets the help she needs and gets away from that toxic living smh
No, I would not make her pay it back. It sounds like she has a lot on her plate to try and work through. I’d have her give up that job first if possible. School takes priority before a job.
She is struggling and all you care about is her graduation? Mother of the year
“Actively treating” does not necessarily mean she is — or should be — completely recovered. If she had a broken leg, even with the “active treatment” of a cast, it would still take weeks or longer for the physical injury to heal. You wouldn’t expect her to be able to walk on it immediately; you shouldn’t expect her depression to just disappear. Treating depression can take literally months before there are signs of improvement. The fact that she can do some things and not others is more likely to be a sign of impaired energy levels (she can do something important to her, but will be exhausted afterwards) than some sort of willful refusal to get better.
Patience and time are the only real remedies.
I don’t think money is the issue here. You obviously had it to spend so you did. You’re looking for a consequence to kick her into gear. I understand that but I don’t think paying for those things will be motivating for her, especially if going to work is something she wants to do.
Its your kid…you do what you think is best nobody leaving comments deals with your everyday. And every human being is a individual regardless if someone has had some of the same experiences…hope you get it figured out…only thing I would say is don’t give up on her.
No I wouldn’t expect my kids to pay anything back
Woman your a joke!!! Your the reason your daughter has these issues how about you pay her for everything you put her threw!!!
My 5 year old throws her toys around after i paid for them and i dont ask for money back
My middle daughter went thru something like this. She quit her senior year, 5 months before graduation. It was her 18th birthday so it was out of my hands… except. I told her she couldn’t live in my house unless she was going to school. She called my bluff, moved in with her new boyfriend which lasted 24 hours. I told her she was welcome to come home but Monday she would go back to school. One of the hardest things I’ve ever done. She moved in with my oldest and her husband. I offered to pay for GED classes if she would take the test. She graduated with a GED less than a year after her original graduation date. I’ll always help however I can but they have to want it. I know this is hard! I don’t think now is the right time for this lesson. She seems to be struggling with something bigger. Maybe make it clear that unless she graduates she’ll need to find somewhere else to live. My middle daughter bounced around a little bit but she’s doing great now, assistant manager at her office. Things aren’t like they were for us. It’s a different world. Sending you hugs and prayers.
GET STERILIZED!! YOU ARE THE MOM ITS YOUR RESPONSIBLITY to pay for her stuff until she os an adult.
It’s called a functional depression. Yes she does “what she wants” but actually look at her. Is she enjoying those things or is she making herself do them? You pushing her harder will make her fall further behind.
Their KID pay them
Back for that shit let them be a KID while they can and don’t
Shit that they are
Experiencing because you made shit choices as
A mom and pick
Who aren’t really
I can’t believe you are even considering that
Yes it’s wrong . If you chose to pay that then you should not ask for money back it was a gift you cannot ask for money back if it’s a gift. I wish I had a mother that would pay stuff for me like that for the person I have right now has never been a mother to me she has beat me my entire life and still tries to do not ask for money back that has a horrible parent if you do it doesn’t matter she does not finish or not but it’s her choice it would be wrong with her not to finish school but it’ll be even worse on you as a parent to ask for money back do not do it that would be soreness
If I gave my 17 year old like even 500$ and she threw it away on whatever not once would I ask for the money back however she borrow anything after 18 then it’s game on b*tches
What you need to be doing is be a supportive parent and ask her how you can help rather then forcing her to do things. You don’t need to be her friend. But you need to be her parent. There’s many steps to parenting. Not just punishments and rules.
U r horrible parent for ever considering this I hope she hates u when she’s older it would serve u right
Pay you back for lying on your back and dealing what you created
Women like you ergh
Charge your child you should be paying them compensation for life you gave them they don’t ask for any of it
yeah, you’re an asshole if you do that. take care of your damn children.
What an asshole of a parent
Wtf is wrong with you?
Ew gross wtf is
Wrong with you
You are DEFINITELY an asshole! Wth is wrong with YOU?! You sound like a narcisstic pig! YOU are her problem! Let her come and live with ME! At least then she will be loved!
I would say give her a chance. Some people don’t truly mature till later. And make up for it in fold. I know from experience. And with everything they’ve been through in life. It might take them a little longer mentally and physically to catch up to where they really should be. Because of your life choices they were stunted in their life
You don’t punish people for being sick. It just adds more for her to deal with. Draw her close, love her and help her concentrate on getting the help she needs. While graduation is important, she can take care of that when she is feeling better. After all, in the end, it is just money. And her life is more important than any amount. Love her and get her help. You won’t regret that.
I think you need to educate yourself on these mental issues, and what they really are and mean, and how difficult it is for those suffering…you need some clarity. And simpky being on medication, and having a therapust, while being great, doesnt help like an antibiotic gor an infection. These can be truly dibilitating, even with meds and therapist. I do know first hand. My daughter has all those and more, started at 18, and shes 33…its heartbreaking to see and to try and understand. A very good psychologist explained very clearly to both of us, and her therapist at the time…all of it…it gives a much greater understanding. Your daughter needs help, understanding, PATIENCE, support guidance and love. My daughter still struggles in spite of all the meds, and med changes, therapists, counselors, etc…they need unconditional love. Thats a very hard age to begin with, and its all very scary for them. They dont understand what is happening to them or why. Theres a lot of great articles out there, places to learn all about these conditions. I wish all of you the best, because its a very hard, frustrating situation for all involved i know. But your daughter needs support and love above all else right now as well as understanding. Lots of research helped give me understanding. Trust me, it helps.
I probably have ADHD but not medicated for it but I have everythink else and I’m 48 and this shit is unreal one day you’re on top of the world the next day I’m thinking it’d be easier if .Ask her Dr for something for yourself to read to help understand her
I’m not gonna bash you, but I wanna share something about mental health because if you don’t suffer from it then it’s hard to understand…when you have mental health it’s a hard to do things you do like and almost impossible to do things you don’t like. Maybe offer to sit down every night and help her with her work and see if that helps
She’s your kid. You might as well have her pay you back for birthdays. Quit being petty and support her the best you can
The way it sounds like she may have PTSD. Mom maybe you should go to therapist as a family. The money spent is the least of your problems best of luck to all
I think I would not punish her for having mental health issues. She’s been through a lot and is struggling. That’s a really hard situation for a child and she needs support and to be loved through it not punished for struggling.
Your kids health should come before money, You’re a disgrace for even thinking it, She’s unwell and because of that you want her to repay you because she’s not finishing school, let her work, it’s obviously a good distraction for her, atleast she’s not depressed in her room 247 doing self harm, she’s struggling, be there for her as her mother. Don’t punish her
Shes 17, your responsibility, come on lady. Where she gonna get the money? Her allowance maybe.
No Don.t make her pay back.if she is going through depression that’s enough hell to go through.these are not normal times.
Yep I’m old school. She’s not asking for food and board she’s asking to refund the money for graduation since she doesn’t care. Everyone has a screwed up childhood. Use it for power not pitty
Maybe she needs a break and lots of love and laughter?
Give love to your daughter. You already feel like an outsider when you deal with these things last thing she needs to feel as though her mother doesn’t care
Yeah, you would be a total A hole if you did that. Don’t do it.
First y’all need to calm down with the comments. Sounds like the family as a whole needs some help. She may be at her wits end. Grown ass women calling another woman an asshole for asking for help is f’d up in itself. Y’all should be ashamed saying some of this stuff. As for you Miss OP - you only have one family - this is your child. I understand your frustration and what seems like fear. However, you said she has several issues she is dealing with. You don’t get to decide how she works through them. She may have no problem getting up n going to work because it makes her feel good, productive, takes her mind off other things. She has a therapist? Ask them what you asked here. I didn’t see a shingle hanging in anybody’s profile pic. Personally, I feel you help each other and do what you can. Things don’t always work out the way you want. You need to accept her for who she is and what she can do. Try telling her how proud you are that she gets up and goes to work with her depression. It may go a long way.
STOP doing things for her tough love goes a long way. My momma whooped my butt even as a senior in high school. Sounds like the child has no respect for her parents/elders.
Does she drive to work? Take her keys and you drive her to work. YOU are the parent YOU Have control.
It starts with home training
Yeah you are an asshole mom if you ask that. She’s sick and struggling. She needs love and support.
Make sure you make her pay for her own funeral too.
Your her fucking mother it’s ur job to pay for the shit grow up dude literally if u make her pay u money for the shit a parent is apost to do then ur a shitty mom and mental health isn’t a joke I have depression it’s hard doing shit waking up everyday and continuing on with life be her fuckin mom and help her before her only option is suicide be a mom