You have no right to decide who he has around. However it’s wrong that he is missing stuff just cause she can’t go. But then again she should be allowed to go in the first place…
I understand. Especially if you don’t know her and she hasnt made a point to get to know who you are as their mother. I’m in the same situation. She’s insecure and thinks I want him back or he has her thinking it. But that’s not my case; ive moved on new man new baby. I have my reasons for not wanting her around when situations arise that should only be for the actual parents. You can’t expect everyone to agree with you. Do what you think is best for your kids.
At public events you have no say regarding your ex inviting his girlfriend along. This is your problem no one else’s
All I have to say is are THE KIDS being put first or are HiS feeling or HER feelings?
The day is about the child!
Not who gets to or doesn’t get to bring their date!
If it were me… it would be a non issue… as long as I saw my child on their big day or play their game or whatever… nothing else would matter. Let him or her be petty 
As u can see its only hurting the child… I respect him for not letting u control his life by giving him ultimatums… grow up and stop being bitter…this is another reason why children are fatherless
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Looks like you guys both have some growing up to do. Dad is wrong for only showing up if the gf can bc regardless he should support his kids. On the other hand though you can’t dictate what women will be in his life or kids life that’s not your decision to make. Unfortunately with break ups comes accepting things that we have no control over. I’m sorry Dad isn’t as supportive as he should be that will only hurt the kids. I hope you guys can figure it out.
I’ve been the “girlfriend”. And the “mom” kept begging him to come without me and I eventually figured out why and it had nothing to do with the kid. He is trying to involve her into their life and that’s okay.
I understand your thought process but it isn’t up to you whether his girlfriend comes or not. A judge and mediator in the family court would make that clear to you - if the girlfriend doesn’t pose harm to your children. You might want to prevent your children from more heartache but the thing is that if their dad isn’t going to show up to events/their functions, it’s just going to create more heartache. I’d put your personal feelings aside
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Let’s be honest if this was a women who was bringing a man around her kids when they first started dating people would have a problem with it.
I’d ask him to just give their relationship a bit more time before the kids get involved and attached to her. Stop involving him if he truly cared he would be there 
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Ok call me the devils advocate on this one …. Honestly if they haven’t been dating for more then 6 months I would be iffy about the kids being around her … because as op said she worries her kids will get attached and poof she will be gone … if you think that’s petty because she wants to watch out for her childrens well being and mental health that’s ridiculous ! I see it from both sides but there is a lot from this post that is left out or we don’t know …
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If you’re hosting an event like a birthday party or holiday dinner at your home you have every right to say the girlfriend is not invited but if it is something like a child’s musical theater performance in the school auditorium or a soccer/ baseball game or dance recital there’s really nothing you can do about her coming to a public venue. Now if the school limits the number of attendees like two attendees tickets per child for a graduation ceremony then obviously those two spots are one for the mom one for the dad so the girl friend cannot come.
My kids dad did this… she didn’t want to come to the functions even bday parties so he couldn’t coke alone 3 years of this n my boys are 13 n 9 now and they resent him… I’ve never once bad mouth him or her and now they refuse to go on his weekends… they will realize eventually that he’s putting her before his kids…
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Do you not have a new partner? What if roles were reversed? You can’t make a man be anything he doesn’t want to be. Probably has nothing to do with the girlfriend at all. If he doesn’t come he misses out your kids see whose present. Let him do his own thing. Continue to make him aware but I wouldn’t set limitations or exceptions you don’t have control over.
I don’t agree with him not coming UNLESS she does too however it’s not up to you if he brings her or not if the children have already met her unfortunately. That’s not for you to decide. As far as him only coming when she can that’s odd, and probably something the new gf wishes for. I don’t agree with that at all…those are his children.
Maybe try and get to know her? My parents been divorced for like 25 yrs and my dad been with the same woman, and she attends mostly everything and everyone gets along. But at the same time BOTH my parents made sure there were times when it was just us with them. You gotta find a balance. There were plenty of times my parents did one on with each child too. This is a life less to teach your kids on including different people and getting used to a different family unit. Once my mom got to know her, one day a week my mom let her babysit me bc my mom worked late.
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Why is it your business who he brings?
I understand they’re both of your children, but you can’t control him or who / what he does.
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Sooo…maybe something in your behavior makes him uncomfortable to be around you without his girlfriend. Like your fantasy of it should only be mommy and daddy at events. This all screams that you will make a lousy coparent if he has someone in his life. Which makes you the problem.
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He should show up regardless but it’s also not up to you who he brings to events.
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It depends how long they have been together. I mean he is going to move on. If they are serious then I don’t see a problem with it! If it’s just the flavor of the week probably not. If I were you I would sit down and have a conversation with him and just ask is your relationship serious if his response is yes ok then allow her to come. He may know that he wants to marry this girl just hasn’t asked or told anyone. It’s important to show your kids you support each other as parents and you would expect him to do the same if you were to get in a serious relationship.
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Nope not wrong at all. If anything it’s petty he chooses not to be involved if she isn’t. It would be a different story if they were an exclusive couple in a long relationship, but it’s not wrong to not want this revolving door of women he could have around your children. They need stability, not dad being a flake with this woman or that.
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I don’t understand why he thinks you have that authority. Ma’am, you can’t tell someone they can’t go to a public event. That is out of your control. Since he is listening to you, you are in the wrong mama. None of that (his girlfriend or her attending) is your choice.
Who he has in his life unfortunately isn’t up to you, so yes it is wrong of you. And he is in the wrong from not going, and bringing her anyway. While I understand not wanting people in and out of your kids life that is something you can’t stop from happening. And what if this person does stick around, now because you pushed this person away your children don’t think she cares about them. Wouldn’t you rather your children be surrounded by people who do show up for them, who do love them. Time to take your feelings out of it.
If the girlfriend comes then she comes. If you don’t want her to come but he does you could accidentally push him away on your own. I understand what you’re saying but the children will see it in time on what’s going on but will know mama tried. We can’t control everything in our kids lives unfortunately. Keep your head high and just do your best and hope for the best.
I have to say I’m in total agreement with her. I remember so much when I was little being eith my mom and there was always different dudes for how long they lasted who knows. So I did the same thing with my ex when my oldest son was little… if this is new and definitely not a serious thing prolly won’t last don’t bring her…there’s absolutely nothing wrong with it if anything I think it’s having respect for your kid…when I started dating my boyfriend of 12 years he didn’t go to my kids stuff right off the bat, we did that in time, just like when him and my son met, in time…
You’re wrong and being petty but so is he by missing out on his kids stuff. You both need to grow up.
None of this is your choice… and you’re kids will resent you for keeping him away out of jealousy. If you want him to be there for the kids you should keep your personal feelings out of it. Women are gonna come and go… so will guys that you date. How would you react if he told you that you couldn’t go to your kids event cause you have a new boyfriend. The kids are really the ones to suffer from it. I’m sure the kids don’t mind the new girlfriend being there.
It’s not up to you if his girlfriend goes. Stay out of your feelings. The more people there supporting kids is great.
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I’m kind of thinking everything is TA here. Have them sit on the other side of the field/auditorium/gym if it makes you more comfortable, but I’d deal with the discomfort of having Her there if it meant the kid’s dad making it. He’s TA for being willing to put her before them.
Co parenting is hard, but it helps if everyone can get over their own feelings to do what is best for the kids.
If I were him I’d bring her to the school functions anyway, it’s not up to you to say who’s there and who isn’t. To be honest I think you’re both wrong
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I can totally tell that men are becoming so toxic 
just look at these comments from some men that haven’t grow up yet. It’s honestly sad. Toxic parenting has become such a norm that people that are not even in the relationship push the toxic agenda on others. it’s not right for both parties to bring in other spouses if they are not married. I could understand if the other parent has been dating, said partner for more than a year. But it’s not healthy for the children seriously
It’s not your place to decide that for him. You are not married anymore, leave the man alone and let him bring anyone he wants to, just praise him for showing it. It was probably her who convinced him to go. He had never been before and now he is there.
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This is not your decision to make. I know you are trying to look out for your children, but they are his children too, and you don’t get a say in his relationship with his children and if he brings another woman around them. Just worry about the things YOU can control and leave the rest alone.
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The possibility of their relationship ending is not your concern and shouldn’t be a factor in allowing her around the child. They could get married and divorce. I bet you didn’t plan on your relationship ending when you had a kid with him. Unless she has been disrespectful towards you or the child you have no say. He needs to have his own time/holidays with the child away from you and vise versa…y’all aren’t a couple anymore. If it’s something like a graduation that you are not hosting then you can’t say she can’t come. I think you’re not over him and that’s why you don’t want the girlfriend around just using the kids as an excuse
I’m just surprised that because you didn’t agree of wanting her there that he just didn’t say that it’s not your place, you don’t have that power. He should have went with his girlfriend.
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It’s not up to you. It’s up to him to make that call. You can express that you don’t feel comfortable with someone around your kid unless he’s there too. You can let him know that you feel it’s important that he spends time with just his kid without anyone else around so that the child feels like their the center of daddy’s world in the time they spend with him. You can always express how you feel and what your concerns are. But at the end of the day, it’s his choice.
Or if the relationship lasts you’re already teaching your kids what her “role” in their life is. ITS MORE PEOPLE LOVING YOUR KIDS why would you keep them at a distance just because you’re afraid it’s not gonna last…it’s your attitude and how you handle the situation that your kids are going to notice. Set a good example for your kids and your kids will follow suit. How would you feel about it if you were in the situation? And you started dating someone who’s ex didn’t want you around their kids because you might end up not working out? I dated a guy with a little girl, we only lasted six months but I loved on that baby every chance I got. Yeah I miss her all the time but I don’t regret getting close to her, and I would never say “I shouldnt have gotten so attached” nope love is love take it where your kids can get it
Nah I’d be the same however we agreed if we ever broke up we’d have to have been with the new person for AWHILE before introducing them to our children. We don’t feel the need to bring new people in and out of their lives for nothing… I think it’s unhealthy for the kids but I know it’s normal for some this is just how we feel about these things.
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You are very wrong here. You’re driving a wedge between your children and their father, and that’s parental alienation. Please think about what you’re doing. The children should be able to have their father there regardless of who he brings, and sounds like he’s with someone he’s sticking by. The choice not to come if his girlfriend can’t come is a natural one, given your ultimatum.
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The real problem here is that you’re controlling who your grown EX husband is wanting to involve in his now unmarried life. You don’t get to get a divorce and then pretend to your children that ‘mommy and daddy’ are still going to be together alone for all your little school functions. It’s now a part of your children’s lives that mom and dad are going to have a significant other at some point. Go ahead and get used to it so they can too.
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I’d say after 6 months, you meet them without the kids, then tell the kids about the relationship, introduce the idea of the other person they will meet soon, and then when they are good with that idea, and accept that he has a new partner, they can be around. That’s the order I think makes the most sense.
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Your marriage is over and your ex husband is free to date whomever he chooses. You should not dictate the terms of him to seeing his children. He may have multiple relationships that are not serious and that’s his business. It’s not going to scar the children if he is friends with other people. What will harm them, is you depriving them of a relationship with their father with petty behavior.
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How old are your kids? You said graduation so in my mind they are old enough to know people come and go. Do I think he’s making the right choice? No. But I also think you are trying yo control any little bit of him you have left to control and that’s thru your kids. You don’t get to decide who he brings to events. It’s no longer mom and dad it’s mom……. Dad not one whole
Sounds like you’re still holding on the the idea of you and him being a family and can’t accept that your relationship is over. It’s no longer “family events” it’s either one parent or the other that goes to the school events etc. Unless you can put your feelings a side and let him be apart of their life on his own terms…
Take advantage of the situation get to know her, play it cool and you’ll have a free babysitter when you find a man to go on dates with!! 
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I’m sure the kid would want him there. Girlfriend or not. Let him bring his whole darn family if that what it takes to get him there.
Just let him not come. You can’t control what he does, and you AND your kids will be better off when you stop trying. Be a present mother, and they’ll be alright. Leave his inability to put them first behind you. Thats the actual beauty of splitting up. It’s no longer your problem. And I get that you want to do what’s best for the kids, but I promise that’s letting it go and just being a great mom.
When you have a problem with what ever their dad does talk to him but not with the kids there. If the kids say something about him not being there just say he missed out on some good stuff his loss. When one parent bad mouths the other parent to their child the only one who hurts is the child. That child will see and learn who’s there for them and who’s not. That goes for grand parents too.
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Why do you think you get to dictate who he spends his time with? He left you for a reason. He doesn’t need your permission actually, I don’t know why he’s even asking or respecting that.
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I see this all the time. You have to except the fact you are no longer together. He’s going to move on and have gf at some point. It’s hard as hell to except another person involved with our children but we have to. You are stating that you don’t want her there and that’s not your right. If this person is fit to be round the child meaning no harm then you have to except that she will be there. If your worried for attachment loss that’s his job to parent the child and explain there splitting. With all that being said it’s his choice to bring her or not. Don’t be one to push him from seeing her/him because you make him choose gf or child. We have to except there’s going to be another at some point.
Don’t be sorry. He doesn’t need his girlfriend around to be apart of his kids life. And you’re just protecting the kids from more heartache.
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You can speak to him and say something like, “would it be ok to wait til you 2 are a little more serious to bring her around? The kids have been through enough already and I don’t want them to get close to someone and then she disappears from their lives b/c the relationship didn’t work.”… but, honestly, you don’t get to say if gf can be there or not.
She did state “for right now”. It’s important for children to have the opportunity to spend time with their PARENT not a parent and their new significant other. She didn’t say indefinitely, she just said for now. I’m assuming until they prove their relationship is a steady thing. If a father doesn’t wanna go to their child’s event because she couldn’t come, I wouldn’t wanna be with a man who prioritizes a woman over his children. I don’t think she’s in the wrong for wanting to be cautious.
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Don’t worry about it …trust me the kids will notice it themselves. You can’t control what the other parent does regardless if u want it happening or not. Just give your kiddos a safe place to come talk to you when they need it and let them know you love them.
I agree she will need to accept his girlfriend but let’s not skate around the fact he has came to nothing of the children’s and now he is saying he will only come if she can he is stating this woman is more important than his children, maybe if he would show up and enjoy the kids she may relax a bit and realize he should include the gf
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Why do you care who he brings (assuming she’s not physically violent or a Crack head or something lol)??? The more support that shows up for your child the better. You can’t control who Dad chooses to bring to events just like he can’t for you.
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Let him dig his own grave. Stop trying to take the shovel from him. If it turns out the gf is here to stay, than even better for the kids. The more people to love your kids the better!
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If he wants to bring his gf then sure but if she can’t go he still needs to. It’s about being there for the child, not bending over backwards to make a current partner happy. He can bring who he wants as you’re not together but he needs to be a father and be present for his child with or without her. This isn’t about you, him or some current parter that may or may not work out, this is about the child. When you understand that then all childishness and petty drama goes out the window.
I agree with you from having a similar experience for the last ten years. Trust me it doesn’t get easier . kids do get so attached and feel so rejected from people leaving but him not attending is a separate issue - if he doesn’t want to come that’s on him. He isn’t doing himself favours legally though so you either ignore it and make excuses to the little ones , shout at him and get nowhere or take him to court to remove PR.
I know your momma heart wants things to be a certain way- but I would let it be. Focus on you and how you can be the best parent for your kids together. If he chooses to bring someone- let him. Just the same way he can’t control who you want to bring, or what you choose to do (or not do) on your personal life. He has a say as well. Best of luck🫶
Be happy he’s just not canceling his events with his child for the girl and he still actually participates in the upbringing of his or her child. Only worry if the husband or wife starts canceling their visitation for their other half because they think they’re more important. Otherwise enjoy time together.
You’re not wrong an you are very right to expect that from him it is reasonable. An he should expect the same from you when you start dating. It’s only logical to not introduce a new relationship person to your kids for at least 6months to a year after you started dating. Otherwise you are harming your kids.
My ex was like this and he always chose the gf and her feelings over his kids. The gf needs to understand that she can’t just jump in like this and to be patient. Once the new wears off then she needs to be welcomed as she could be a great asset to your kids and that’s a good thing.
Honestly it sounds like u are doing your children harm by allowing them to be allowed this man. He does not deserve your children. Go to court and ask for full custody and allow him access - if he doesn’t show up document it and eventually go for no access. It is more harmful for your children to have a dad that is in and out in their lives than not having one at all. I say this as a single mom of a 5 year old that has never met his bio dad. I never forced it. Never went to court. Now my son only knows love and not stability that his bio father would bring (bio dad has refused to meet him, too). Forcing someone to love your child is a lost cause and if u keep forcing it you’re doing them a great disservice.
If it’s a school event the children will be busy so it’s not like she will be spending much time with the child maybe it’s just so he doesn’t feel alone, sitting alone. But as far as when the children visit with him or stay with him then that’s a different situation that’s when respect, and understanding and patience becuz it’s not for jealous reasons it’s u protecting ur kids and making sure u feel comfortable as well♡
Sounds like the gf doesn’t want him around you alone. That’s really sad that a Dad can’t go see his kids without her around. He won’t change, good luck to you all.
All of these ppl have so much to say, yet hardly any experience. I’m currently going through this with my child’s father. He has visitation, and that is for him and our child to visit together. Not play house or whatever to impress some woman. Also I am the residential parent and i can invite or not invite whoever I want or feel is appropriate. So sayeth our judge. Let him put in real effort for ur child and cut that toxic bs out. Let him go seek what he takes advantage of. Ur child is of value and he needs to value his time with them. I’m pretty sure he has 5 or more days a week he can spend with his girlfriend.
She is probably making that a stipulation because she doesn’t trust him. If that’s his hang up let her come she is apart of the family now. Put her name on the invite. She can help setup, make plates, carry gifts to the car and everything. Teach her how each child likes their foods and nick-knacks. She will either get on the ship and help row or stay out of the way.
Sooooo this is his first relationship since you? Or is it not? Because if he wants the kids to know her, doesn’t that indicate he sees some kind of future with her? You’re separated and co-parenting means you don’t get to decide everything for your children by yourself. You want him to be a dad but don’t want him to make his own decisions. You want him around for the kids but only on your terms. You want to control who is in your childrens life, what they do and who they can/can’t be around. Do you dictate their school friends? Sport friends? Teachers? Where do you draw the line?
If you want him there for your kids, and they want him to be there, isn’t that what actually matters? Seems like the only issue here is your unresolved emotions that you are now projecting onto others.
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How old are the kids? How long have dad and the girlfriend been in the relationship? It makes a difference. If the kids are older… let them decide if they want her there. Have they already met her? If so what is the difference? If they have already met her and the dad and girlfriend have been in a relationship for awhile the kids may already have a bond or relationship with the girlfriend. There are different was to look at this. We don’t know the whole story to judge.
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You have absolutely no say in who he brings to events and it’s pretty laughable that you clearly think that you do.
Yes, dad should go regardless of what you say. If it were me I’d tell you to get bent and be there for my kids WITH who I wanted to be there with. Not who my ex said I could bring.
You’re basically saying that when YOU deem their relationship legit enough, you will LET him bring her… think about that.
Honestly ask yourself if this “rule” of yours is BENEFITING your children. Do they care if she’s there?
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You’re trippin. Doesn’t sound like you don’t want her coming to school for the possibility of not being around forever. That’s what dating means… trying things out before a forever commitment. If I were her, I would want to be there if you were there (at least at first). Why would I want my man playing family with a woman he has left. This let’s the school and everyone involved know he’s got someone else who could be an AMAZINGLY kind and wonderful addition to my kids life.
Stop worrying about playing family at school. Truth is, you don’t have the family that you’re trying to portray
You don’t have to be sorry for that but guess what? It’s not up to you whether she comes or not. Hope he catches wind of that & shows up with her regardless because YOUR actions are only hurting the kids. YOU chose to make an unnecessary rule, especially if shes never done anything wrong. YOURE at fault… It’s a hard pill to swallow but unfortunately people will come & go throughout their lives. If she’s one of them then be a parent & guide them through it. But stop trying to dictate your exes life. I’m guessing that’s why your relationship failed…
If he wants to miss you the activities, let him. I agree if it’s a brand new relationship he shouldn’t be introducing her to his children yet. If they have been together 6+ months and he’s comfortable with introducing them, that’s his choice and you should accept it.
Well that’s not your choice anymore, you can’t expect him to keep her in the shadows when you wouldn’t do the same with your new man. Relationships just end unfortunately, same with your marriage and you can’t expect him to still behave as if he married to you as sporting events. If it’s new then it’s a little bit understandable but he’s going to move on in a serious relationship eventually.
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You said you were concerned that if this relationship of his didn’t work out and the kids were attached to her you don’t want them to be heart broken. Honestly that’s an unfair reason. 20 plus year marriages end. 2 year relationships end. There is no way of knowing and that’s the reality of love and relationships. I think it’s healthy for kids to know this. And how long do you make the GF wait till she’s allowed? What will you do if she moves in? Divorce means separation. Separation of 2 parts. Your life his life. You live yours he lives his and the kids will be resilient and adjust to living both lives. It’s reality
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I am 69-yrs old. I began dating my now-husband when I was 18 & we married within a year. He told me “As long as you can accept that I spend every weekend and holiday with my son, we will get along.” His ex-wife accepted my being with him & luckily, my now-grown 54-yr-old son & I are, and always have been, family. Really, all because his Mom and Dad both accepted that life goes on even if their marriage didn’t. Dad has a friend to whom he wants to brag about his kids. Just don’t toss the kids out there without soft, positive words. jmpo
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Did it ever occur to you that maybe he is uncomfortable with it just being you and him? I realize the children are there but if you are giving off vibes or making comments that makes him uncomfortable (about getting back together or other things), that may very well be the reason. He very well could feel like he needs that buffer there so you don’t cross any lines. My ex and I have ALWAYS coparented and that includes our other spouses. It’s not easy for some but the main thing here is the children. Set aside every and all feelings, ill or otherwise and move forward. If that is what he needs to do to cope, try being more understanding. Also, take a step back and ask yourself WHY he feels the need to have her there.
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You said the answer in the question. Is it fair to the kids? If what is important and fair to the kids is having both their mom and dad there, what else matters?
Each time you make a decision regarding the kids. Focus ONLY on making sure mom and dad are a part of it. Everything else is noise. Everyone else is a bonus.
How would it feel to have it reversed?
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I hear your concerns. Possibly you could explain to him how you feel and ask him to wait until the relationship gets more serious, so that if it doesn’t work out they will not have to experience another loss or disappointment. If she is a good person she will understand. And as far as him not showing because she has to work or just can not make it. I think that is just an excuse. Ask why he can’t come alone in those instances.