Ever since I had my own family and own place, my own mom and family that lives with her barely put in the effort to see us. My nana is the only one that can barely get around, but everyone else is healthy as a horse and can come to see us. I used to take my kids over every weekend, but I noticed they wouldn’t put in effort in, so I stopped going over. Plus, every time we did go over, they were just so negative bout everything I talked about, as well as drama all the time. Whenever I do go over to visit out of the blue. My family is always asking my kids, “why do mama and daddy keep you away?” “Why don’t you come to see me?” Does my mom have any right to try and pick up my kids and take them for the day? I want her to visit more often and consistently before I let her take the kids anywhere.
Why not just tell her that? Why not invite them over for dinner?
Why does it have to be a certain way for her to see the kids. Why not have pick them up. Is she a drunk does she do drugs?
I’m so lost on what the actual question is. Are you asking if it’s wrong to cut them out? Is your mom trying to pick them up for the day and you want to tell her no? I thought your issue was her no putting in effort? Then when she tries to put in effort you want to tell her no? Maybe it’s just the way this is worded but I am so confused
You have every right to have them put in effort. I stopped taking my kids to visit family cause they never talk to me unless I call first so I stopped putting in effort and nobody talked to me on almost 3 months. Sometimes you need to put distance and boundaries in place in order for them to get the hint
Im so confused… so, you want to cut them out for not making effort to see the kids but then when she tries to pick them up for the day to bond with them you dont want that either? 
They have no right to be questioning your children about adult issues. I would definitely have a problem with that alone…and that would be why I had a problem with them coming to get the kids before that issue was put to rest.
I don’t think any reasoning is needed, it’s your family you do whatever you want. They can come visit if they want and I understand not just wanting them to take the kids if the kids are not comfortable with them. Like I said your choice who cares what anyone else thinks.
I would just be straight forward with them and I sure as hell wouldn’t tolerate them running their mouth to children about adult matters.
you are a grown up, right??? Why are you asking us , if it’s OK for your mom to pick your kids up for a day & take them …anywhere??? If you are not happy with what is going on, how they talk to your kids or you, then use your brain & tell her no !!!
If your mom is asking to pick up your kids that would be her putting in effort. I understand how you feel though a lot of my family is the same way. They only want to see us if we come to them and it gets old. You’re not wrong for not wanting to try anymore. But it sounds like your mom is trying by asking to pick them up. Just have an honest conversation with your mother. Maybe it’s just a misunderstanding.
This is confusing…You say in their home there is drama but you’re mad they dont come to YOUR home? You already see the toxicity and manipulation. You are free from the dysfunction…Not all family is good family…
You should feel blessed to have a family that wants to see you. It sure gets lonely when they’re gone. Hindsight is 20/20, you’ll wish you’d put your differences behind you and soaked up every minute with your family!
You are living exactly what I’ve been through. My kids are now 11 & 16 and do not have much of a relationship with their grandparents. Their dad’s parents live across the country and they talk more than my parents that are 25 min away.
My parents now have a lake home and the couple times we’ve gone has been too stressful for them to return. My mom is on them about everything.
When my kids were little my mom said the same thing about me not bringing them to see her. When I divorced and moved back to the same town, they made the same amount of effort- zero.
The thing is, I had amazing grandparents and that was my expectation of my parents. The difference was that my parents still had kids at home when they became grandparents. But nonetheless the effort was always one sided and I was too blame.
I’ve stopped putting value on the relationship and in turn it’s become easier for me to handle.
I get where you are coming from. My parents are toxic, and due to recent events my husband and I finally just said no more. I’ve stopped responding to nosey texts, ive stopped trying all together. I used to try to call just to talk and see how they were doing but they treated me as if I was a disturbance and an interruption and a bother. They live less than 2 blocks away and make no efforts or attempts to see their grandkids, yet their entire reason for moving into the house 2 blocks away was to supposedly be closer to my kids and be able to babysit. Im now out of a job because I cannot work because I can’t afford childcare because she refuses to watch them. I don’t think you are wrong to cut them out. If they are a negative in your life and bring nothing positive to your life, do not feel bad. I dont allow my parents or my grandma (whole nother drama situation) to take my kids anywhere now, and I used to when one was a baby and the other wasn’t even thought of yet lol, but now they can’t. Not because I don’t trust them or whatever, but because I’m sick of them caring when its convenient for them. My kids don’t miss out on anything because of it. If my mom was to text me saying she wants to take my kid to zoo or something imma tell her ass no and take my child myself, when I plan the day, and if she wants to enjoy my child she can make time in her schedule to come with us and put some effort in. Sorry not sorry. Just like I cant chose when to be a mom. You can’t chose to ignore and push away your own child and grandchildren and then turn around and act as though everything is ok and you have all rights.
Same here I don’t even talk to my family anymore haven’t for two years honestly a lot less bs and drama and my kids aren’t being put on the back burned with family that could careless about them I decided not to force any kind of relationship and it was the busy choice ever !
Ask them to come over one weekend then you go over the following weekend
I think if it bothers u that much then just don’t go over there. My family was the same way, I was always the one to go over to visit with my kids. I liked the company of my family tho, in your case you say they r always negative. Like I said… if you r bothered that much then just stay away for a while and if they ask about the kids tell them to come see them then.
No you are the mom I had an issue with this with some of my family I quit going over as much now we take turns that’s what it’s suppose to be and Noone picks up my kids that’s your choice
You can’t make family do what they don’t want to do. My family lives in Canada. We’re in Illinois. My brother in law and his family live 20 minutes away. I used to put in a lot of effort when his kids were little. I have a daughter who is now 14. They never call or visit her. She’s not close to her cousins. My father in law lives 2 blocks away from us and he only comes over for birthdays or holidays. My mother in law is 3 miles from us. We see her a little more. My mom is in Canada. My daughter asks why gramma doesn’t like to talk to her when she calls. I don’t know why. It used to bother me that my daughter was hurt because of that. We’re both over it. Out of sight, out of mind.
Its thier lost . My husbands family hasnt seen my kids , call or check up on them or anything at all since February . when my kids ask why I tell them have your dad call them and ask why . now mind you his family live less than 15 minutes away . they told my husband that they was keeping away because of covid . But they drove to Florida to see the kids and grandson who lives there and drove to Virginia to get the grandson from there . but not one time called and check on the granddaughters .
I mean, she has a right if you let her. However, if you feel that they’re going to expose them to negativity, then don’t let them go.
If I write in for help how do I know you answered ? Do I have to check every day
Your complaining because they “aren’t making the effort” but it sounds like they are but you don’t let them take the kids…
Your kids.your rules.
My daughter is 3 and her grandpa has only seen her 6 times. My son is almost 2 and he’s only seen him 4. My dad couldn’t even be bothered to come to my daughters first Christmas because it was too cold. Not icy roads or snow just too cold.
Sometime we as adults have to understand that once we are grown, have a home of our own, and have our own children, our mother and father are no longer obligated to be in our life or our children’s lives. Yes, it may hurt, but they have done their job of raising children already. Also, no it is not wrong to stay away from family because once you have a family of your own, you set your own set of beliefs, traditions, and morality. If there is negativity and drama when you go around, then don’t go, your children don’t need to be around that type of drama. You can always call on check on your family members and if they ever ask why you don’t come around, be completely honest and say why. Otherwise, be happy and raise your children because it’s hard enough being a parent, why add unnecessary drama.
It is absolutely okay to stay away from your family. Blood doesn’t make someone family. How they treat you is what matters. If they do that then you are right to stay away. I left my dad and that side of the family a long time ago and never looked back. They are all terrible people and I refuse to have anything to do with them. My sister doesn’t even tell her son anything about that side of the family. Just says they’re bad people and leaves it at that. My son has no contact with them anymore either.
I grew up with my parents taking me to my grandparents’ every Sunday. Every.single.sunday. That’s how it was. And, it was amazing. All of my aunts and uncles and cousins were there. They hung out and did grown up sht. We played outside and did kid sht. We all helped to prepare/serve a family meal. We had dessert together. We hung out every week and it was one of the best parts of my entire childhood. I am so glad that my parents didn’t keep me away from my grandparents simply because they didn’t want to drive across town. I would have missed out on so much. They were really some of the happiest memories of my life. I still miss my my grandparents every day (especially on Sundays) and they’ve been gone for 7 and 19 years.
So, I say, if you want your kids and your parents to be in each other’s lives, it is up to YOU, the parent, to make it happen.
As a grand -parent of 7 …working a full and a part time job… I am exhausted and still must do my own chores and errands on my only day off… there are not enough hours in the day sometimes… but if they need me…I am a text away …and except for this COVID crap… I try and cook all holiday meals… but again only so many hours in the day
There’s really no excuse if they live close.And the guilt tripping to your kids…nope.Many people are too comfortable with things being one sided with little to no effort on them.It goes both ways.Dont fall for their b.s.Just keep doing what you do for your kids,even if it means doing it alone.They will know who was there for them.
Negativity and drama=u nor your kids need it
I read once this question— If these people were not your blood relatives would you like them and/ or want to hang out w/ them?
Thk about it…if answer is no then its prob time to do your own thing.
I always, take my kids to my mum and dad’s they come to mine on birthdays bit I love taking my kids to theirs my mum is 60 and my dad 59 I don’t expect them to run around my brother and sisters are the same they take their kids to my mum and dad’s house so it’s nice as we all tend to be up their on a sat or Sunday and my kids enjoy it and get to see all their cousins aunties and uncles and have amazingg memories and fun up there but I know my mum and dad love my kids even if they don’t come to mine im fine with that they have 19 grandchildren and five children so would be pretty difficult to keep visits evenly to each family and my dad has bad health so I wouldn’t want that we text regular and phone calls in between visits each to their own but my mum and dad’s house is the heart of the family
If you stopped going because you wanted them to come to you without saying anything then it’d be very easy to assume that you don’t want to see them. If you told them why then you also need to realize that they don’t have to want to leave their home. My grandma doesn’t come to my house she has came the last couple of years to my moms on Christmas but otherwise we know where she lives. Nobody comes to my house and I prefer it that way but honestly I wouldn’t expect them to I go to my moms house and we go to my grandmas house.
If you stopped because of negativity then own it and don’t feel bad about it. But keeping them from grandma because she doesn’t come and pick you up to is selfish and you should let your kids have a relationship with grandma if she’s a safe person for them to be around
Toxic is toxic if you feel that way stay away I don’t speak to half of my family for the same reasons
Well… can you imagine making weekly visits to each grown kids home? That’s exhausting. It’s NORMAL for the elder family member’s home to be the gathering spot. It’s normal to visit your parents after YOU move out. Host a dinner at your home if you want to be the host for once. 
Nope I have not talked to my brothers since 2009 don’t miss the drama it’s what you feel is best for you
I would respond mommy and daddy dont keep them away. We have phones you can call and a house you can visit too. Grandparents rights do exist in some states but going through that process would be more trouble for them than just visiting a bit first. I would try to diplomatically discuss it. If you can he specific. “We would love to see you more. Would you like to come over for dinner on friday nights?” But if it become unhealthy you have every right to set boundaries.
That’s crazy it’s an effort thing they need to put on the effort too and you popped your kids your decision depends on age etc as for them asking why you keep them away. No pipe up be like you all drive it takes a village to raise a child if you want part of my kids life. Or additionally make a chart sit down with all family say and address situation and also try to make a timetable and solution so everyone puts effort in etc etc
I would communicate that it bothers you, the lack of effort give them a chance. Relationshops have to be a revolving door
do you invite them? like why dont yall come over Sat and we can all play in the pool and cook some burgers on the grill…? etc.
any family time is precious talk to your family, invite them to your place
Ask your family why!
your mother sounds like she loves drama to the point of dragging the kids into it. keep your kids away from toxic people.
Good to stay away. I wouldn’t want that negativity in my home so I wouldn’t let them come to your house either. I would start off meeting places first
U should say these things to our family to try to resolve the issues. I dont see anything wrong if that ur decision and I feel it’s best for u n ur family. But communication is key in any relationship.
Don’t go outta ur way to see them. Try to stop in and make an effort to see them. If they start their shit, tell them they know their way to ur house. Don’t let bitterness come in between your children n parents.
I think you have the problem, your expectations are not being met, get over it and do what you can do.family is important, don’t lose the connection with tit for tat.
They sound toxic and you dont need that around you or your children. Nothing wrong with staying away from that.
I dont see a problem.
I can’t imagine not seeing my kids and grandkids. We retire to Myrtle Beach and they come here and we go back home to see them. With the internet, face time we keep in touch! Cannot imagine not seeing any of my kids/ gkids!