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QUESTION:
"Family of 8 here we have 6 kids and have been together for 21 years. We aren’t married but as good as. He works afternoon shifts and doesn’t get home until 11:30-12:00 only has one day off one week and 2 off the other. How I am feeling lately has always been the way. We never ever do anything or go anywhere, everyday is groundhog day. He lays in the bedroom, door shut, aircon on and that’s where he will stay honestly. Also what has been getting to me is the lack of financial help he gives etc. His money is his money, all separate, I do not know his details or even keycard pin or online etc. He is always always putting me down for something wether it is my cooking, my cleanliness of the house or kids and also my driving or the way I keep my car etc. We barely sit down as a family and have meals together, his only day off tonight and he went off to the pub with the rest of our money we were to rely on for the rest of next week. I feel he keeps his money all to himself. I do not feel that he genuinely loves me at all. He also expects dinner ready for him for when he gets home from work if not he gets really mad. He suffers ptsd as well so that makes everything ten fold harder we aren’t even 40 yet and still don’t own our own home. We have rented our whole lives, he keeps saying how much he wants to buy a property etc but then when it comes to it he backs out and gets cold feet he has insomnia and never sleeps which makes it hard for me to get to sleep too. He gets to always do as he pleases with his money but mine goes to every bill and food and kids needs etc. The only thing he does is mows the lawn and goes to work,I feel unloved and very bored and unimportant I feel he is very selfish and he does not make a single effort. He has said many many times in the past “you are as useless as tits on a bull“ and has also said 'how do you raise kids when you can’t even raise a dog.’ He feels like we are going nowhere in life and that he is only pretending to be apart of the family etc, as he said that he would never leave the kids like some other dads do. I feel depressed as the emotional and financial abuse is real! He always puts me down and always complains and whinges about absolutely anything even has called me a grub and constantly calls me useless, also at times I feel he is trying to reflect the way he is towards me to our kids and kind of wants them to join in and gang up on me. My kids are absolutely everything to me. My question: Is this as good as it gets? What should I honestly do to change things for the better? I feel like I am slowly loosing myself and grip on the family. What could I be doing better or what can I change etc to make for a better and happier life? Thanks everyone."
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TOP ANSWERS (AS SELECTED BY MODERATOR):
The following top answers have been selected by a moderator from hundreds of responses to the original question.
"I’m sorry to say this, but if you are thinking this is good as it gets; I’d suggest you forget about what he is, or isn’t doing, and finally put yourself into the equation! What I mean is… you are valuable (as a person, mom, and friend). From what you’ve posted, it’s obvious he has NO ROOM for you; and, quite frankly none for his children either. Just because his “body” is around the children at times, does not equate to him being a good father/role model for them. I believe more damage is done to a child when any parent is “physically” present; yet, NOT present verbally, mentally, and/or physically!!! You AND your children would be better off with him not living in the home. It’s time for you to stop allowing this man to berate you into you believing that “you’re as useless as tits on a bull”! If a person hears something long enough, they begin to believe this to be true (NOT)! If you are unable to gather the strength to find your self-worth on your own? Draw the strength from your children (trust me when I say I did this so many times when my babies were in their formative years)! They don’t have to know you are… just look at them, and know in your heart, that they DESERVE to feel confident, secure, and independent! What’s the best way to teach them this? Them watching you fight for yourself! As we all have heard, “actions speak louder than words”, which rings true to this day! You actively pursuing avenues to strengthen your own confidence WILL make a huge difference in how they view themselves … and, what better way to accomplish this, than working on yourself!!! SIDE NOTE: You indicated in your post that his money is his … so financially you changing the course of direction shouldn’t be a factor in making sound choices for you and the children!!! Best of luck to you~"
"Girl I left for a lot less."
"Leave and take him to court for child support- he can part with some of his money then, right? Sounds like you’re doing everything but his 8 hours at this point so why not do it alone?"
"Leave. If he wanted to do better, he’d do better. Why stay if he says those things to you or treats you that way? If he isn’t contributing financially at all, why keep him around?"
"leave… you do it alone now."
"Walk away. Better yet kick him out because you and the kids don’t need to leave it’s easier to have him leave. You can still get him for CS."
"Girl, you can do bad all by yourself! Leave his ass and get him for child support. Move on, he is not going to change."
"My heart just broke for you!!! Please find your worth and make him leave!!! You don’t need him you already do it all alone!"
"You need to leave. You deserve so much better than that. You are doing it on your own now. Why not do it and be happy. Find yourself again. It’s hard but it is so worth it trust me"
"Run! Leave! Set an example for your children. No one should tolerate abuse like that!"
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