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QUESTION:
"Do you consider porn/masturbation as cheating if you aren’t sexually active with your spouse? My formerly estranged husband to our two toddlers and infant recently moved back in. He had been off and on with the children and our marriage for the past 6 years, but we’ve been getting along great and the children seem to finally be happy that daddy is back and on good terms, hopefully to make this family work. I’m currently a sahm, and he promised to provide for us in order for me to take care of our special needs son. However, although it seems like things are great in front the children, it seems like we are already falling apart again week number 3 of him being back. He doesn’t help with the housework, or ask about the children’s needs. He assumes since he’s breadwinner that he shouldn’t have to do any dishes, laundry, etc. And while I agree to a certain extent, I do have two special needs children and infant, so alittle help would make me feel appreciated. He has also assumed sex is on the table, the first 2 weeks he didn’t try anything. Now, he’s badgering me. And told me that he’s going to have to masturbate until I’m ready. I feel like this is hurtful and cheating. He cheated several times during our marriage and that’s the main reason we separated, but it seems like I’m not allowed to Grief that and I’m “withholding sex”. What would you do in my situation? I found all his porn in his tablet and phone, he lays in another room at night and does this while I’m up getting our children bathed and to bed for school. Should I confront him?"
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TOP ANSWERS (AS SELECTED BY MODERATOR):
The following top answers have been selected by a moderator from hundreds of responses to the original question.
"No but I would get rid of him for the other shit"
"He sounds like a piece of shit and it has nothing to do with the adult videos lol…Most men/women watch them and it’s a very normal thing to do. The actual cheating and being lazy is the real issue here."
"You need to get out and stay out. File for child support and/or assistance for your special needs children so you can continue to stay home and care for them."
"Let him masturbate, it’ll save you a chore. Also, when he gets done and has endorphins running through his body, ask him to do the laundry and dishes."
"Remind him he is there for the kids and the marriage is along way from being a marriage. Maybe an arrangement for rent needs to made so he completely understands he’s a Tennant/visitor in the house."
"Masturbation is NOT cheating. Porn is NOT cheating. Both only become an issue if it interferes with a healthy relationship and sex life. Your relationship is anything but healthy. Six years of back and forth is not a healthy relationship. Seek marriage counseling."
"I agree masturbation isn’t cheating, and it should be recognized he’s doing something healthy vs cheating on you again. However, I think your feelings need to be communicated. From the way you’ve described things it sounds like he’s returned bc it’s convenient for him. He gets you and the kids and yet hasn’t made an effort to actually be present within the family. Talk with him and explain how you’re feeling. Honesty is the only way you can make this work"
"In my opinion. You should never have let him back in because he sounds like he wants a mother figure rather than a wife."
"I don’t think it’s cheating. But he is a total a-hole. Noone should treat you this was. I would kick his butt out so fast lol. I would work to jobs to get rid of him. Disgraceful and lazy."
"Why are you back with him? Maturbation is the least of your worries. His butt should be out the door for good."
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