It is not working out living with my mother-in-law...what should I do?

Looking for advice: 6 years ago my family of 4 (me, husband, 2 kids) decided to join houses with my mom so she could retire. We have the whole house and she has the entire basement- 2 bedrooms, 1 bath, kitchen, living room. It has continued to become worse and worse each year- we should have never done this- it has ruined our relationship, my mom and husbands relationship, and sometimes even puts a strain on our marriage. We have tried counseling here and there no one follows thru with what they’re supposed to do to make it work. We don’t really talk anymore, don’t hang out like we used to- always irritated that she’s always there with the comments or mothering my kids etc! I know everyone wants to live separated but no one has said it- I don’t know how to approach this, I feel guilty, where would she go, I’m just sick over the whole thing???!!!

150 Likes

Help a mama out and respond anonymously on our forum. It is not working out living with my mother-in-law...what should I do? - Mamas Uncut

I couldn’t live with my MIL

2 Likes

Hook her up w a man. Get her a hobby. Communicate.

3 Likes

I’m confused. First u say MIL then u say your mom​:woman_shrugging:t2::woman_shrugging:t2:

5 Likes

She has her own space. Literally live separate by not invading eachother’s space.

6 Likes

My best friend and I live downstairs basically in the same setup you just explained and his stepmom and dad are upstairs.

We live separate lives but visit as it happens naturally. His stop mom does laundry downstairs but doesn’t linger around long.

2 Likes

Set some strong boundaries. Make it clear what your expectations are and what you feel should happen if those boundaries are crossed and expectations aren’t met.
You can do it out of a concerned position and helpful position instead of an attacking one. When people feel like you’re angry they automatically get defensive.

1 Like

Why are you and your husband in a tiff about your mil? Because that’s his mom? Toxic is toxic. I probably have the world’s most insane mil, literally, so I feel you. You gotta stand untied on it, but also realize that’s his mother. But girl, shit, I cannot STAND mine. “My” overly ocd, controlling, compulsive munchausen by proxy, negative and only negative, literally never positive, horrifyingly judgmental woman who will NEVER see how she is no matter how many times you show her, always the victim ass mil isn’t allowed in our house. Period. Find somewhere else for her to live.

Could y’all look for a place with more of a MIL suite style?

Each stay within the boundaries of your space
Trial that then I’d be sitting down having the conversation
It would be affecting everyone mentally even the kids
Think the conversation is worth then ppl suffering

1 Like

Been there dine that

I would never agree to live with my mil nor would my hubby

2 Likes

You do what’s best for your marriage.

3 Likes

Why can’t she just keep herself in the basement apartment and ask permission to come up to visit yall or call just like she live somewhere else? Tell your husband to tell her to keep her opinion to herself if she still wants to live in the basement or assisted living or a senior citizen community apartments

3 Likes

Be point blank or lose what you have.

Can u ask that she stays in her space,but certain times…strong boundaries are needed

3 Likes

Can you sell the property and buy something different. (Duplex) ? Then there’d be more separation. Or a property where you could have 2 houses (land, or one with large separate garage or something that could be converted?) and be neighbors instead of in the same building?

Or just sell and her get smaller cheaper place and you guys rent something.

:woman_shrugging:

2 Likes

Move out as soon as
You can….

1 Like

If me and my late husband moved out. He would still be in this life time. I’m a widow now.

Set boundaries :woman_shrugging:t2: y’all have your own spaces so use them and stop going into each other’s parts of the house without it already being planned before hand.

10 Likes

Maybe offer to take over the bills for a month or two to give her time to save money and find her own place. If everyone kind of wants that anyway, I don’t think it’s be an issue as long as you do it graciously and not just kick her out.

1 Like

good lord it happens we did that and we moved lol

Why can’t people just be happy,hate when u hear about crazy mother in laws,my kids happiness will always come first,respect their decisions, u may guide, but never dictate.Everything in life is replaceable but not love and respect.My daughter in law is the best thing that happened in our lives,she makes my son happy,everyday,best mum,we both are different ,I am lazy,she’s amazing,caring,but together our family is what matters.

6 Likes

Server ties and move out before your entire relationship is destroyed

2 Likes

First of all is it your mother or mother in law?

2 Likes

Have a meeting and set rules and guidelines. Does she have her own separate entrance? She should.

Set a weekly schedule of visiting time. The kids should not be allowed to go down without permission and she should call first for permission.

Work family/movie time back in to your schedules.

9 Likes

Sell house, part ways.

6 Likes

You allowed it.
She’s aware.
Get Counseling.
Set rules, and a 90 day mark to change your daily stresses or agree to sell or buy out.

4 Likes

When you marry someone. That means you’re ready to have your own family. That means your mom is out of the picture. She has to have her own house that her husband set up for her or that she set up for herself. End of story. Either you have a husband or you’re still momma’s baby girl. Pick one.

4 Likes

Give her a list of options or tell her she needs to leave.

Is this your house or hers? Do yall rent or own? If its hers move out. If it’s yours evict her. Its that simple.

5 Likes

Split, you can’t go back home. 2 mothers under the same roof isn’t good. Move before everyone hates each other

5 Likes

Senior independent living community, some are federally subsidized, but often long waiting list !

4 Likes

I am confused is it your mom and her or your MIL.

7 Likes

Have you tried talking to her in a real/ stern way. Tell her exactly what’s going on and what needs to stop

1 Like

Who owns the house??
They make the rules

6 Likes

Your husband must feel
Terrible having arguments with you and his mother. If you insist on her moving out you may have more on your plate than your asking for. Your husband loves you but also loves his mother

1 Like

It’s her mother in law. Chances are she lives in the south. We say mom when speaking to people. I would say take the house back. Plain and simple. You’re the woman in the house. When two grown females in a house one will try for dominance. It’s your husband and kids. Your rules. Do not be afraid to speak up. she is stuck on being mom and trying to be mom to everyone. You need to show be the mom now. To your kids and wife to your husband.

5 Likes

Get professional help to reduce the stress and separation is vital for all your emotionally needs

1 Like

Is it her home or yours??? As you have said where would she go “”" if its her home its more like where will you go "if its her home then you& hubby should move out " find a place to rent "

4 Likes

It’s not easy to live with other family members :pensive:

Can’t help you! I’ve always gotten along with the in laws.

1 Like

It seems like the house-sharing deal isn’t working anymore. It looks like it’s time to split up. I’m not sure who the homeowner is, but the other party has to move. The counseling was a good idea, but only as good as the attempt to follow the counselor’s advice. In not doing that, you can’t expect it to help much. Anyway, best of luck to all of you. I hope once you all have your own place that you can mend your relationships.

6 Likes

Well I will not put up with my mother in law. She is as toxic as they come. I would never live with her not my mother. If he wanted his toxic mother to live with us I would leave !!! She treats my children like shit. Degrades them, doesn’t accept them etc. awful person she is

Just suggest you go your separate ways. If everyone is thinking it there’s no harm in saying it. It may come as a huge relief. Sometimes things just don’t work out. You tried. Time to move on.

8 Likes

You have to put your foot down to her. She needs to stay out of your business involving your kids and your husband needs to support that. I wouldn’t move her out if it’s your own place, you can work around this. You will just HAVE to keep reminding her to stay out of it. I also had to be harsh to my mother in law when we lived together years ago, We still respected each other but I had my boundaries on how far she could go. Don’t worry she tried, but I never let it get to a point where I wanted her out of our lives and it will only work if hubby supports you… without him, she will continue to do it. Its best to sit her down and talk, all 3 of you.

2 Likes

Sick it up or move out…

Talk to her, one day when you are calm. Sit down with her and talk about it, it must be affecting her to. See what she says. Maybe she wants to move but has the grandkids keeping her there, in her mind.

1 Like

Implement firm boundaries, and address the issues. Practice gratitude, make a schedule and stick to it.

2 Likes

I’m confused about why it says mother in law and then it says it’s your mom in the story but whoever the home owner is should stay and the other party should leave. It says you don’t know where she will go so maybe it is your home?

5 Likes

All you can do is sit everywhere down and figure out what it would take to make it work and put a time frame on that, or lay it out that everyone will need to part ways for the sake of the relationships.

First, see if you can get your mom involved in things outside the house: a part-time job, maybe doing before or after school on-location child care, any kind of volunteer work, singing in a choir or other group or playing music, an age-appropriate sports team, a cause, political campaign, volunteering at a religious institution (committee member, Sunday school teacher, lay reader, senior program organizer or participant, etc.), book club, exercise class, learning a language, being a docent at a historic site or museum, an usher at a performance venue, walking group, bowling team, card group—anything to get her away from your family and focused on something else.

Make sure she calls & visits friends and family near and far as often as possible and as budget allows. See if that gets her out of your hair and gives you breathing room first. I’d call the organization and have them reach out to her vs. you making all the suggestions. Bonus if you can get one of her friends to get her to join something so they can work together.

If that doesn’t solve your problems:

A. Tell everyone current living arrangement isn’t working.
B. Announce a meeting at least a week in advance, tell everyone (even kids if they’re old enough to weigh in) to come up with a bunch of ideas/solutions under three broad categories: Agenda:1. continued cohabitation with new rules/boundaries 2. Moving to separate spaces and 3. Other.
C. Make a big list of all the ideas at he meeting.
D. The following week everyone comes to a family meeting with their ideas of which things are workable/doable and any new ideas/solutions. Cull the list as appropriate and prioritize which ideas to implement first (maybe 3 to start with). Commit to those for the next 1, 2, or 3 weeks.
E. Meet again after a week to assess how things are going. Make any adjustments. Keep trying for another week or two with the adjustments.
F. Meet again and decide what’s working (keep that) and what’s not (why? Can it be fixed or further tweaked? If not, give up on those). Add in one or more other ideas & repeat steps D-F.
G. If it looks like you’ll have to move, everyone takes a week or two to look at options that came out of the first meeting and find real-world availability and prices. Come back a week later with findings.

To think about:

  • Will mom need nursing care sooner or later?
  • Does dementia or cancer run in the family?
  • Will she be able to age in place or have to move again towards the end of life?
  • Does she have a will? Who would be executor/executrix?
  • How about a Power of attorney (general & medical), and a Do Not Resuscitate order? She should have these ready to put into action at whatever future point it becomes appropriate. Decide what that will look like.
  • You and hubs should each have these documents drawn up also, plus designate who you’d want to raise your kids if you both should die while they are minors.
  • Also, do you plan on having more children and need more room? Getting a dog who needs a yard and a fence? Needing one or more home offices? Will you eventually need space for more cars as kids learn to drive? Think about these as you look into affordable housing options.
  • Are there other family members who could take in your mom if she needs assistance?

H. Tour potential living options. Would mom like or hate having an apartment or condo mate?
I. Meet again to discuss available options, determine budget, time line, arrangements for moving (could either you & hubs or mom afford your current abode on your own?
J. Make the move(s).

4 Likes

Look for elderly income based apartments amd start there for her

4 Likes

Nobody cares stfu with these stupid posts. :roll_eyes:

She will expire soon enough.

3 Likes

Sounds like y’all need to get ya finances together and get your own place

3 Likes

Kick her to the curb!!!

2 Likes

It is hard living with mother/mother in law…better to live apart.

4 Likes

Kind of confusing… you say mother in law, but you say you moved in with your mom…? Who’s house is it originally? Whoever was there before should continue to live there and the other party should leave. I get the whole thing of wanting to “help” someone out for a bit, but SIX YEARS is ample time to start “whoever’s” life and find something of their own.

7 Likes

Whoever owns the house stays the other needs to go.

8 Likes

For now, and if moving isn’t an option here’s some advice.
Put new locks on your part of the house. Only let her in if she’s been invited. Put your boundaries out there clearly, and repeat them every single time they’re crossed and remove yourself from the situation if it escalates into an argument.
You can absolutely achieve peace by being firm and strict on your boundaries, but it will take consistency and work on everyone’s part. This shouldn’t be any different than living in an apartment. You don’t have to let her into your lives or marriage anymore than you want to. You have more power over your peace than you know.

11 Likes

Your MIL should get a place in an elder community. She’d make friends her own age and keep her nose out of your lives. Now … how to convince her to move!? Maybe just have a frank talk saying you all realize no one is happy the way things are now. Much easier for her to move out than it would be for your whole family.

4 Likes

Do let ur mom ruin ur family.

2 Likes

I am almost 69, retired 2 yrs ago & I do live all by myself, It is called SS & pension plan & my retirement funds, but believe me, it can be done, ( I left my husband when I was 20 & I supported my (our) 2 kids myself, even since) If she never saved for this, or her husband, that is a damn shame (at least you & your husband will learn from this) There are many senior housing out there, might be a waiting list, but get her on one & lock the door going up into your house so she just can’t come up whenever she wants

1 Like

Separate entrances and locks on door and firm rules. If she does not respect that then she needs in a assisted or senior living place. Period.

4 Likes

What does your individual therapist say? You can offer to sell her your half of the house and move

2 Likes

Is it your mother in law or your mom? Is it your home or hers, or did you buy it with her?

7 Likes

I’d tell her this isn’t working out and your moving out or something of that nature. Depending on who owns what.

3 Likes

I’m so confused. Is this your mom or your mother in law? You said you guys moved in with her but ended the statement with “where would she go” which makes it seem like you want to kick her out of her own house.

10 Likes

I live in a two family with my in laws for the 13 years we’ve been married. We have our own apartments, but do things together often. Since my father in law passed, we go upstairs Monday-Thursday to watch a movie with my mother in law. She works two days/week (Wed and Thurs), our boys stay the night Friday and they go up for a couple hours Sunday evening. We try to include her when we go to Wal-Mart and places like that she gets out of the house. She doesn’t drive so we take her to/from work, appointments, or anywhere else she needs to go.

Family is only around for so long. She wants to feel included/needed. Set boundaries so she doesn’t overstep and try to “parents” your children. Maybe have dinner with her one day/week, Sunday brekfast, include her on going somewhere, and have the kids spend time with her in her space when it’s just grandma time. It can work, but there has to be a little more seperation; that doesn’t mean exclusion all together either.

18 Likes

Does she watch your kids when you need her to? What are your expectations of her/her expectations of you. Do you and your kids walk into her space uninvited? Does she come into your space invited? Do you have to share any areas of the house? Is she still mobile enough to go out on her own/take care of herself?
These days it’s hard for multiples families to share a single family home but that’s the way families did it before. Grandparents helped with children while parents worked at their jobs or running their farms. Grandparents can have a lot of wisdom if you’re willing to listen. Apparently you have different parenting style than your mother, because that seems to be a source of contention. Did you get along before she moved in? Who actually changed?

4 Likes

I completely understand how horrible this situation can be. Trust me. With that being said, there are ways to make this situation work. She has her own living space so basically her own house. The only thing that needs to be done here to correct this situation is to put up boundaries. Your space is yours, her space is hers. You do not have to live like one big family. You can have your separate lives. You all need to sit down and talk to each other. Put boundaries in place and stick to it. It’ll be uncomfortable, but it is necessary.

2 Likes

When we lived with my mother in law we stayed in the basement everything was shared. I helped with whatever I could and we really only crossed paths when needing to cook or use the restroom. It was actually a great living environment for all of us. We did the same at my father in laws but we were in a motorhome on the property. The water and stove didn’t work/weren’t hooked up so again we would shower and cook in the house, unless something could be microwaved. That was also a great set up for all. Now we lived with my sister in law her now ex husband and her daughter and that was not the beat because niece would take things of mine (door locked) and sister in law was always on her side and telling me I was jealous and trying to always my niece in trouble. We moved out my husband had my back in that situation as well as when we went in together with a friend of his at a trailer park, we talked about his then gf moving in (it was my decision) I told friend we would give it a shot/trial run for 5-6 months. It went well for the first 4 months then she brought in a cat, they/she didn’t pay the pet fee so if work/maintenance was done they took all evidence of the cat and would leave for the day…she would mark her food and blame me saying I ate it when I didn’t she was vegan and I wouldn’t touch her foods. My husband got absolutely fed up with her one night when they all came home from pool they got home first and she was yelling calling me a C U Next Tuesday for absolutely no reason other than she was drunk off her ass. Then my husband got home and I was balling my eyes out and had our bedroom door locked. I was basically confined to our bedroom because I either was allergic to the cat or the fact that they put the litter box right next to the AC/furnace and me being asthmatic didn’t do well in the rest of the house, being asthmatic was also why I didn’t go to pool with my husband. After the C U Next Tuesday event they up and left and we had to pay both halves of the rent for the last 4 months of our year lease. If you can have a calm sit down and talk (and maybe even draw up a contract) that everyone must follow would help until the party who’s not owning the house can move (give a grace period to move). We possibly could move into my husband’s grandparents house (just switch houses) as they want to downsize. Then maybe talk to my stepson and see if he and his family want to move into the basement and pay rent, which would be significantly less than what they are paying now. Nothing is set in stone but we would only share a bathroom in that situation or if they wanted my husband could easily put in a bathroom for them. And they would also have a babysitter on hand. So they would be saving money in that situation. If that was the case it would be like apartment living.

Be open and honest.
That’s always the best way.
Say it can work if ______
Then say but we should split homes because ______
Talk to your husband in private about how you want your relationship to look. Keep notes so y’all can go over them later.
Keep a daily journal of how you feel and how you think the household is strained.
Let everyone read it.

My bf and I use a journal. If there is something I’m having a hard time putting into words face to face I write it down and leave it sitting out so he knows to read it by himself.
Then we both get the nerves of the situation out of the way so we can openly discuss things

1 Like

IYou gave up your home to help your Mum retire early…by moving in with her…really she should stick to her own apartment…unless invited to join you…the same for you and your family too…each of you need your own privacy… Mum should understand that. .
.Good luck hope you sort it out amicably…

1 Like

This is why I’ll NEVER leave with anyone else outside the family I’m going to BUILD. Sadly, it is your OWN family will destroy and ruin and sabotage your own family…

1 Like

This is not her mother-in-law. The intro says she joined houses with her mom. Communicating with her own mom should be easier than dealing with a mother in law. I have been in a situation living with family. It is important to respect privacy. I stayed in my part of the house and did not interfere in their family life unless invited to join them for a special event. I stayed out of their business, but because they both worked, I offered to help with cleaning. To be a help and not a hindrance is what will make this work. That is the issue here. Grandma is crossing boundaries by being in their home space. That can be annoying and a hindrance. They each have their own living quarters, so Grandma needs to stay in her own living area unless invited and so does the family. Grandkids should not just walk into her part of the house and she should not just walk into theirs. The relationships are being ruined and it is such an easy fix. Sad.

5 Likes

Your husband needs to approach his mother stating that what your concerns are and it would better for her to get her a small apartment near by.

Well if its your mom’s house move out and if she loses it that on her. I would take my husband and kids out of the situation get your own home. If it’s your home have her go to a Senior Apartments. Your not responsible to carry all the burden.

1 Like

Help her find a place before you give her the boot

1 Like

This is just one of those things where you have to communicate. “This isn’t working for me. What are we going to do?” I would say she deserves all the notice and time you can give her, since it is you who are most unhappy with the situation. It should be you and your family leaving, but it is probably your house, so give her the time and communicate this with her.

Just go find her an apartment that you can help with and then tell her that you guys need more space and that you have gotten her her own space that you will help with. After that be as honest as you can be between each other about the situation an feelings. You could be surprised she may agree. An she shouldn’t be mothering your kids that’s not her place. An certainly shouldn’t be any comments. If you can’t live peacefully together then you need to do so separately. Have the conversation before you lose the family that you’ve made together.

2 Likes

If it is your house…she goes. Her house…you move out. This is why you never move other people in or move in with others. Peace never lasts long. Always a power struggle

2 Likes

Older they get more they need attention

1 Like

Counseling shouldn’t be here and there it should continue until you all learn to get along.

2 Likes

You will regret all this when your mama is no longer alive!!! Tell your husband to grow up!!! Be adults and make it work.

5 Likes

Somebody needs to move and BS that the 2 homes were combined so that she could retire, it was cheaper for all of you.

2 Likes

Start by looking for a place. Talk to her and tell her you must move or she has to move. Then find out what she wants. Then look for a place.

2 Likes

It’s your house. She should know better than to overstep. Your family comes first. She’s got to go if it’s affecting the family. We thought of doing this for my mom, but I already know what will happen. Not taking that chance

4 Likes

Living with others is an art. You all need to set up boundaries and implement other strategies.

Make sure you’re acknowledging your part too.

Eg, her mother feeling resentful because she has no privacy, feeling like a live in babysitter. Try to replicate how it would be living as neighbours/ separately. Only allow the kids to go down stairs into her space at agreed upon times etc. At the same time the same rules should apply to her. Make the effort to do things with just your husband and kids and then also with your mum outside the home to reinforce positive bonds.

Too much familiarity breeds contempt. Counter that by actively appreciating each other and accept that your mother has limited years left with you. You made a promise and should do everything you can to take control and see it through. If that means spending less time at home it seems worth it.

2 Likes

I lived with my mom and grandma for years because My grandma was getting old and needed help. We always fought, she always did whatever she wanted with my kids and was always in our business. My grandma passed and We finally moved out over a year ago, moved 1000 miles away and i wish she was here with us everyday because one day she won’t be around at all. Talk to your husband because i bet he doesn’t want her to leave.

Be honest, I mean obviously someone has to speak up.

Set boundaries. If she has her own space downstairs with everything she needs just set the boundaries. Boundaries aren’t a bad thing

You need to have a come to Jesus meeting with your husband and your mom. Put it all out on the table. Nothing held back. You are all grown and deserve to be happy. If that means mom moving to a smaller house by herself close by.

I’m sorry but if I’m married I’m not living with mommy and daddy. That’s the part where you’re own lives start. I couldn’t imagine.