I got pregnant as a teenager with an abusive boyfriend. Being pregnant finally gave me the courage actually to leave the relationship and go back home. Well, I fell in love, got married, and now have four kids altogether. Every day I still suffer from PTSD and anxiety about my baby’s biological father somehow finding me and taking the child away. My husband has loved my child as his own since before my child was even born. My baby is now almost 8. Yet I still live in fear over the whole situation. I have nightmares. I wake up crying, screaming, in sweats. My husband is the only father my child has ever known, and my husband has wanted to make things official for years. But I’m afraid the bio dad will get involved and want custody, and my child be taken into a home/environment that they’ve never known. I’m so scared. Advice? Also, the bio dad is not on the birth certificate, but he is aware he has a child with me. He has not contacted me in 5-6 years.
If he does file for.custody he could get visits even tho it’s been so long. That would.depend on how the judges in your area are tho. I understand your fear but unless he gives up.his rights.your husband cant “adopt” her as his.
Step parent adoption, with service by publication. Talk to an attorney about it. and hugs.
Get your ducks in a row legally. Go speak with a family attorney about your options before you file anything. Sometimes paperwork that’s filed cant be taken back and the court may contact the bip dad for you.
Is he on the birth certificate? Have your husband adopt her.
At this point if he’s made no attempt for contact or anything else that’s abandonment so. Go to the court and ask what can be done.
It would be a very long uphill battle for him, that he would likely lose anyway don’t worry my dear. I sweetly suggest therapy to talk to a prof about this, I’m so sorry you’re dealing with these thoughts and feelings <3
Talk to an attorney about alllll this. It may be considered abandonment where you live and him not being on the BC will probably help.
Is he listed on the birth certificate? Does the ex boyfriend know about the baby? Its been 8 yrs, he would definitely have to prove WHY he never saw the baby if he knew about him! BUT they definitely wouldnt just give him visitation or anything!
He’s been absent over a year, you can have his rights terminated with or without his approval at this point to start the process of legal adoption for your husband
Have your husband adopt her
I just went threw something similar to this. With him not being listed on the birth certificate all you have to do is state the father is unknown and your husband would legally be allowed to adopt her. Since it’s been so many years you don’t have to send notice or anything to the ex just when filling out the papers just state that her father is unknown. And yes this is exactly what a lawyer has advised me to do
See a counselor and possibly consider medication for mental health (PTSD) and just leave well enough alone and live your life and don’t contact an ex just to stir the pot.
If there is no father on her birth certificate he can sign an afidavit saying he is her father (their is a clause saying if you know the child is not biologically yours you are still responsible for them by signing this) and then bio dad cant do anything about it
Get legal peace of mind… you need to protect your child and it can really help with the bad dreams and worries. Good luck and I hope you can start to recover from this.
Him not being on the birth certificate is really the father’s loop hole to any abandonment claims. All father has to do is file a paternity hearing, say they was together she left 7 years later he realized he mite have a child. Go to court tell them he didn’t know the child was his she left got married never gave father a chance to be a dad and he will get his rights to said child. Most likely Nothing in regards to over night or days at a time from the beginning but not out of the question
Is your husband name on the child’s birth certificate? If it is blank why not just have your husband put on it.
It would cost him $50,000 to do that. Or more. I really don’t see that happening. Even visitation.
Wanting visitation and custody would also bring a financial responsibility for him. Do you think he wants that? If he is aware of the child and wanted a relationship, where has he been all these years? The only way out is through, and you have the support of your husband. What better time than now to to take the steps to remove him from the picture entirely? Your husband would not allow this man to abuse you, you do not have as much to fear as you are thinking.
Adoption will help with the security. But you need to talk to a counselor to start healing.
Have him adopt the child,
Girl you need a lawyer to explain your rights. If he wants visitation you can demand supervised only. He has to prove that he is a good parent before he can take the child for a visit alone.
Sounds like parent alienation to me. You were a teen…it’s been 8 years and you still never gave him a chance. Almost all my teenage relationships I considered toxic and abusive. Even my high school sweetheart. We had two kids and he ended up being abusive to me. I left, he had an amazing relationship with his kids 4 years later…I hope one day he finds his child. Jesus. All the people defending this mother are heartless. Men have just as many rights wtf…
Speak to someone local for legal advice it varies drastically by state even within state at times. Some of the responses here are silly. “Have your husband adopt her”. That’s clearly what she’s attempting
In Texas, regardless of the stance of the father( being involved or not), they still consider the father to have rights. Whether its 1 year he hasnt been active in the childs life, or even 10 years. They will only allow another person to adopt your child if the bio dad completely gives up his rights. I went through this with my daughters dad and she was 9 when he contacted me and he was well aware that I was pregnant with his child, but chose not to be there. he was not on the birth certificate but since I knew who her bio dad was, he still had rights. If you decide to say you have no idea who the dad could be, or unknown, since he isn’t on the birth certificate, be careful he doesn’t try and come around and fight that. I don’t know how it all plays out but I’m sure if a judge found out that you knew he was the father all along, he could get extra sympathy. I dont know though just my opinion.
If he isn’t on the birth certificate just say you don’t know whom the father is. Lets be real tho, it’s been 8 years. If he cared that much he would have found you already.
No advice because I have the same fears. But it’s only been 3 years no contact for me. All I can say is if he hasn’t contacted you so far odds are he won’t, and even if he does, without knowing the child it’s unlikely a judge will just send said child to an unknown person’s home
All of these advices might be ok where you live. But I do know some states it doesn’t matter.
He is the father. But then again he is not listed as the father on the birth certificate. But if he really want your child, he would have done something about that a long time ago. As for the man you are with, he can adopt your child , and pray her real father doesn’t come around.
And see someone about your anxiety
If the biological father is not on the birth certificate and has made no attempt to be part of the child’s life, you can file in family court for your husband to adopt and simply say you are not sure who the father is and that your husband wants to adopt the child. The courts will process the adoption paperwork accordingly. Afterwards, maintain the currently zero contact with the biological father and move on with your life. IF the biological father should somehow find you, and try to claim paternal rights, he would first have to establish paternity which entails a DNA test (on his own dime) and would have to go before a judge to explain why he knew he had a child and made no attempt to be part of their life until now, and he would then be faced with not only picking up an order for child support, but also would be held responsible for all child support from birth to current time and would be court ordered to pay it in full with a risk of charges of contempt of court if he fails to comply. All of this process is both lengthy and expensive for him and seeing as he has made no attempt to make contact already, it is extremely unlikely that you have anything to worry about. My opinion is that you go through with the adoption process and also seek a professional to help you manage your mental health to give yourself a chance to move on and grow with your family without your ex’s involvement ever being a factor. Good luck momma, you’ve got this.
My son is almost 8 and im dealing with almost the same thing…and its always been my WORST fear…i can tell u right now if theres a dna test done that mother fucker (excuse the language) can try to go after anything he wants…this one filed for visitation and crap and i really dont care…if they go in his favor theyll have to arrest me. My son has a dad, who’s been there a ever since before he was born and we also have an almoat 1 yr old little girl now…ill be damned if someone effs up my childrens very normal and routine well maintained lifestyle…my son is also slightly special needs amd has made such progress over the last few yrs hes academically scoring higher than anyone in his class and i wont allow anything to stir up his success almost 8 yrs into his life…it doesnt matter if its been 1 yr or 16 17 18 yrs…those bastards tend to come outta the woodwork when they think the time is right for THEM and over my dead body will i allow it…its scary YES…i have nightmares sometimes too…ive had to run into my sons bedroom in the middle of the night a couple times scared to death to make sure hes still here…just strap the mom pants on and be ready if he ever does…were leaning on having dad officially adopt him also amd proving its the best most secure environment for him and that problems and situations like this would cause him regression and detrimental effects…its not even something i will let begin to happen
Did you and hubby get married before baby was born?? If so that gives hubby legal custody. I had to do that with my baby
Honestly it is not necessary to adopt. It is not a need. If this will cause a stir and a possibility of the biological father making legal moves then it’s best to not tap into the adoption process. Nothing on a piece of paper will erase the Fact of who her real father is. Her father will always be her father and sooner or later she may want to seek him. Children have to know where they came from and it’s a need that will be with them for a long time. He was abusive to you and that is a sad reality. Your husband is a great father to her and he should continue to love and support her. I suggest not opening the door for conflict if her real dad is going to seek some form of contact. I hope you can get some help from your anxiety.
First off I’m so sorry this happened to you. Second, I will suggest to ease your mind a few things. Get a restraining order you can also put your child on it. That’s what I did for my abusive ex. Also it depends on the state but every state has an abandonment law. My ex wasnt on the birth certificate either but legally he was the presumed father. So I waited 1 year no contact that means no child support nothing after that year you can petition the court to take his rights away and have your husband adopt her. 2 years ago that is what we did and it’s amazing feeling. Seek legal advice. I found a lawyer and she was great and did all the paperwork ect. I did the free consultation with her. She even did the restraining order. And lastly PTSD is real, I have it too. Please go to a therapist or something you have to heal. Maybe keep a journal or a goodbye letter to your ex not that you would mail it just so you can get your feelings out.
If you are that scared then I would get an attorney. Keep him on the back burner in case. And also the courts will NEVER let her Bio dad have full custody or even half custody. Because 1) he hasn’t been in her life at all and she is now 8. I believe when the child is 10 years old they get to choose who they want to live with. And 2) the bio dad has a shitty background I’m sure not just from abuse. I’ve had a shitty marriage when I was in the Army and I have PTSD from that as well. I went and talked to someone. I encourage you should as well. Let as many people as you know, know your situation. It will help you I’m the long run.
If theres no father listed on the birth certificate you can state you dont know who the father is since it’s been so long the courts wont question it.
Get a lawyer follow law and get ready to prove he knows he has a child but never contacted you
Get professional help to deal w PTSD and overreaction to bio dad’s options. He knew you were pregnant, right? He hasn’t made much if any effort to find his child in 8 years (!) or be a dad, doesn’t seem interested now, and chances are he’d be relieved to be permanently off the hook for child support.
Consult a lawyer, but this should be an open and shut case. Worry doesn’t solve anything! You’ll be fine, enjoy your family.
File for sole custody. Then file papers for his abondament. A lawyer can help
If he knows about her but hasn’t bothered contacting you about her then he really doesn’t care but if your husband wants adopt her then you will need to get bio dad to sign off on it. Your husband is her dad and it’s ok to leave it like it is but if you really want the adoption then get a lawyer and file it with the courts, odds are he will gladly sign away his rights so he doesn’t get hot with support
In the state I live in if there was no dad and no DNA testing been done then ur husband can just sign the birth certificate… if u dont want to go that way its child abandonment… that’s the two ways my lawyer told me to go
If he took her it would be kidnapping. Can’t hurt to file for sole custody of the kid though.
Legal advice and some Major therapy
In some states after 3 years of no contact, you can move to have rights terminated for abandonment. Might be something to look into.
He would have to go through courts, get a dna test to prove he is the father, and he would also have to be awarded custody! He isnt on the BC, so if he just takes the child before he is awarded any custody, then he can be charged with kidnapping if you chose to presue it and some states the state will presue it, even if you dont chose to press on after you get child back, could come with little or alot of jail time for him, depending on the situation prob will never be awarded custody if he does that and a restraining order can be put into place. If you truelly are tha scared talk to a lawyer. See what can be done
Bio dad has no legal rights unless he petitions you to be added to birth certificate. Unless he starts the paperwork through the courts to prove paternity, he can’t legally do shit.
Girl it’s something you dont need to stress yourself over. No court will let him have your baby after 8 years!! He doesn’t even have parental rights until a dna test is done! If you want your husband to adopt your child, go thru the process and let her and he have that together! Dont mention his name ever and don’t speak words of it on social media or family!
First of all. Have you considered getting therapy for your PTSD and anxiety? I recently got it for mine. It has helped me tremendously. It has calmed my fears. Your fears of him trying to take her away, is called (future tripping). Its distorted thinking because of your PTSD and anxiety.
Did the biodad know you were pregnant? Did he want to be involved? Did you just up and disappear with no way to contact or get ahold of you?
From a legal standpoint these are important factors.
In most cases if he knew about the baby and had a way to contact you…then his absence is his own fault. Therefore you could file “abandonment” in having your child adopted by your husband.
However. If you didn’t tell him or if you just up and disappeared without leaving a way to contact you…that is on you. At that point all he has to do is request a DNA test and then whether your husband has adopted the child or not his parental rights are established…and you’d better have proof of the abuse otherwise its your word against his which amounts to nothing.
Unfortunately the choices we make even with best of intentions can have long term consequences…which is the case here.
Honestly at this point (with the exception of him abandonment) he could theoretically come back at any point.
There’s not a lot you can do without getting yourself in trouble or contacting him.
Leave it be. Adoption isn’t a need. Gather up any and all evidence of the abuse you endured just in case.
And do yourself a favor (because this will also help any hypothetical future case) and get into therapy for the anxiety and PTSD.
Go get a lawyer and file for full permanent custody and then he can’t take her
Woosaa that shit and let it go
Don’t worry about it. You have custody. Think your worrying about nothing if the child’s 8 yrs. Old.
I’m kind of in the same situation. Only difference is I gave him a chance even though he beat the shit out of me almost every day. I gave him a chance. He left to go to Texas. Then California. He’s back in Indiana now but he has no interest in our child. He turned 13 this year.
I doubt he’d do anything now after so long. See if your husband can adopt her. I bet he would be thrilled!
Get help. And enjoy life…he isnt on the bc and hasnt contacted you in so long…he is gone…
Seek legal advice for this.
Look up abandonment in your state your husband maybe able to adopt or her bio father’s rights terminated
If he’s not on the birth certificate unless he pays for a DNA test he can’t do anything.
and i don’t think he will…………go on with your life.
Let your hubby adopt her. Your ex has no legal rights so he will never know and if he does try to take her it’s kidnapping.
Idek how it is there but where I am you have to try and contact him if you can’t then put something in the newspaper where you last knew he lived. If he doesn’t respond in 30 days his rights are dropped and your husband can adopt her. Just make sure you get a lawyer so you can show him or her what you do and they could also give you more advice.
There is abandonment in some states. And others no.
My husband took our 6 kids temporarily and nothing could ever be done about it. But hes on the bc, signed an aop which then gave him full parental rights. But your situation is different. Contact a lawyer…
I know in Ohio if you can prove the child’s father isn’t involved and/or paid child support and hasn’t been for at least one year then a stepparent adoption would go through. Look up the laws in your state I’m sure it’ll calm your nerves a bit.
Just say you aren’t sure of the bio dad. May make you look like had too much of a fun time but for your child sake and your peace of mind I don’t think that would matter much
If the father is not listed on the BC and DNA was never established, your husband can legally adopt your child. The court will ask you if you know who the father is, you can claim that you aren’t sure. After your husband legally adopts your child, the bio dad would have to petition the court to serve you with paternity test papers to get the ball rolling for visitation. However, as I’m sure he is aware, paternity test confirmation opens the door to him paying child support.
Keep a record of everything he says and does and keep it and take it to court with you
Don’t worry about it. Just keep on living your life!
I wouldn’t lie about not knowing who the bio father is. If he ever comes around, the lie will question your character and may cause the judge to be more partial to give the father more rights. I would talk to a lawyer who specializes in this.
You are worrying yourself for nothing. You might be having nightmares but this will and probably is effecting your children. They sense When mom is stressed. Its also unfair to bring all this up to your husband cause it makes him stressed Find a counselor to talk to before it ends up destroying what you have now.
Technically he abandoned the child by not seeing his child at all. If I were you, have your husband adopt. It will be extremely easy as no guy has been in the picture. No judge would just hand your child over to a non existent parent. You have nothing to worry about. Also he’s not on the birth certificate so he would have to establish paternity. It definitely wouldn’t be easy. Get help for the mental side of things, but you have NOTHING to worry about.
Or she can say she had 1 nyt stand with husband now and got bk 2 gether he can go on bc xxx u don’t have 2 b a bio father some step are Vetter in many ways xx
First, please get some help for yourself, it is important for you to work through this. Second, if your husband is willing to add foot start the process.
Get a lawyer and let your husband adopt the child. You’ll find the courts are more understanding than you think. I had the same fears adopting 3 of my great Nephews and Nieces. But the courts saw right through the Bio’s. Good Luck, just believe in God to handle this.
Idk know where u live. It where I do in Delavan wi. It walworth county . u can have ur spouse adopt here since he hassbt had anything to w ur child. Im going thru this rt now. Trying. To sign my kids father his rt away.
Some kids should never no who ther dad is wn then abandon or give them away just shows wot they r heartless shits x
You need to see somone to help u with the PTSD and then see what you can do to get sole custody. Say you dont know who the father is. If you disnt put his name on the birth certificate you should be good
Think you are worrying unnessaserily
Are we talking about legally taking the child or the bio dad kidnapping the child? Legally, if the bio dad gets wind of your husband wanting to adopt the child, he would have to give up his rights in order to do so. With that said, you would then let the judge know that he was and is absent from the child’s life a huge chunk of it and a judge may find in your favor. It doesn’t seem like he would fight too hard honestly. As far as a judge just handing him your child…fat chance! You would have to be proven unfit for a court to take a child from you. Now, as far as him kidnapping, that part, you would have to discuss with the authorities.
My son’s bio dad left him when he was only 1, and hasn’t even tried to find us. I met my husband when my son was only 2. He’s the only daddy my son has ever known. I have a lawyer and my husband is trying to adopt him. Bio dad was recently served papers to give up his rights and he has until December 8th to respond. If he doesn’t respond (which I don’t think he will) then the adoption will go through by default.
talk with a lawyer and see what they say first off and go from there… hugs and prayers…
You’re making yourself crazy over nothing. Live your life and be happy. But it sounds like there’s more to the story than is being told.
From what you’ve said, good luck to bio dad! Lol damn! Not even on the birth certificate? You got no problems. let your husband adopt your kid. If bio dad wants a fight, well, he better be prepared for a lengthy, and costly fight, and one he wont win as he has never been in the child’s life after 8 years. Actually, now that I think about it, the law might already consider your husband the bio dad just because he already has been taking care of them for so long. There was a court case where the bio dad found out years later, and not bio dad who HAD been taking care of found out the child wasnt his. Well, the non bio dad kept custody because he had cared for the child for so long, he was already considered the father regardless.
Basically, you have everything on your side, dont worry, let your hubby officially adopt and enjoy your loving home!
Then you should be good don’t stress about things that could go wrong and enjoy ur life bcz things are right
Please seek counseling. It sounds as though you were involved with a narcissist. The victims of such people can suffer long after the relationship dissolves. Please speak with an attorney to alleviate your concerns about your custody rights. Most attorneys will do a free consultation.
Your ex can’t take your child away. He would have to prove you are unfit. That’s extremely hard to do unless you have a past