LGBT Coparenting: Encourage Collaboration

Hi Mamas! I need a little advice from an objective 3rd party please. I am currently separated from my wife of 3 years awaiting word on how she wants to proceed to end our marriage. (She says she wants an amicable dissolution but has rejected collaboration and refuses to speak to me until she “receives proper legal advice”) We have an informal arrangement for our 3 year old son conceived by artificial insemination to which I am the non-bio Mama. (On the birth certificate, chose the anonymous donor, signed off as husband, etc.)
My concern is while she is fine with me seeing our Son twice a week since she left to live at her parents, she refuses any of my financial support. She will not accept clothing, money, or toys I purchase for him and demands “her items” be returned the next day washed or not. I want to contribute to my son as I always have. She was a stay at home mom and I have supported us since our son was born. I am no dead beat, I provide the health insurance, and have and wish to continue to be an active, loving parent. She has worked with her parents to arrange to live off of them with no plans to seek employment. I am grateful that she and our son have a happy, safe arrangement but I truly do not understand why she refuses my assistance. She says she does not wish to “rip me and our son apart” but I cannot wrap my head around why she feels its best to let her parents support him. Most posts I see are the opposite with coparents not wishing to contribute. I do not understand how its not in our son’s best interest to have both of his parents contribute to his well being physically, intellectually, emotionally, spiritually, and financially. What could be her motivation? Is there anything I can say besides the standard " what can I do to help? Do you need anything for the boy?" She flat out ignores me. I do not wish to instigate or create a conflict…Any advice is greatly appreciated here. I really want to focus on trying to craft a positive co parent relationship with her to ensure our son has a healthy relationship with both of his parents.

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Maybe she thinks later on you’ll throw it in her face that you helped. Or maybe she just doesn’t want your help. My husband has kids from a previous relationship, he tried to give money buy clothes etc but she didn’t want it. Every time he tried she would tell him she didn’t want or need it and would make him leave with whatever it was he brought. I’m really not sure why she’s like this since she isn’t working or planning too? She’s basically putting her parents in a spot where they have to help. I’m sure they don’t mind but it’s just weird, normally the parents come together to take care of things then go to parents if help is still needed. It sounds like you’re doing a great job at co parenting, I wouldn’t give up. She’s the one who needs to learn to co-parent positively.

Thanks Shay. Its definetly a tough situation. My inlaws are of course no longer pleasant to me but they love their grandson so I try to be grateful regardless. It seems immature to me as well that as an adult she has no desire for her own independence. I can only suspect being treated like a teenager with no responsibility is her way of coping. All I can control is my behavior, walk on eggshells with her, and work to be there for my son as much as I am permitted. Thanks for the perspective.