I have an 11 year old daughter and I’m going through a divorce. I have a friend that I am casually dating. On one hand my daughter is okay with this because she knows I’ve known this friend for years. On the other hand she wants her father and I back together. I explained to her that we are better off divorced because her father and I are not happy together. Ironically my guy friend has gone through the same shit that my soon-to-be ex-husband has put me through with his ex-wife.
Put your kids first no matter what
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I agree with the comments saying that your kids come first. Butttt you also shouldnt just never date because your kid says you cant. Id slowly start bringing your bf when the kids are there. So that hes not there all the time when they are. And id maybe sit down with him and her and explain that he isnt trying to replace her dad and that her and her siblings will always be your main priority.
Maybe try having family dates where all of you do something together. And then maybe do something just you and her(if thats possible)
Your kids come first. She’s a child you are an adult. She can’t dictate your life. She will grow and be gone eventually may marry leaving you alone… With that said when you date someone your kids do have to like them and bond with them. Regardless if its this current man or someone else. She may still be hurting from the divorce or something else. Talk to her about why she doesnt want you to date. Keep communication open. Make special days for just you and her.
Some girls never grow to accept this sort of thing. But they grow old enough to pretend. She will be ok. don’t let your daughter take over your life she’s thinking from an 11 year olds perspective she doesn’t understand YET, as long as your not inviting new men in your home every week then I think that’s fine your entitled to be happy. Make sure she knows your not trying to replace her dad. It’s just that you want to find happiness. (But be very weary the type of man you invite into your children’s lives, if his not going to be totally accepting of your children then his not for you)
U need to have talk with your girl! U have live to!
your child doesnt get to tell you how to live your life. my HS friend went through this same thing when she was young. she hated every man her mom tried to date. but it was because she was dealing with anger from the divorce and she didnt know how to channel her emotions. she grew out of it. it just takes time
If my daughter did not like a man I was dating, I’d listen to her voice. Children can also be good judges of character, maybe there’s something else she’s uncomfortable with?
It’s hard being a single Mom, but we have ONE chance to get it right w/ our kids before they go off on their own. It could be that he’s just not the right one, not the right match for your family.
#thestruggleisreal
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Kids first 100% your right to date is no longer valid…
How do you even have time to date to be honest.
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I don’t date because my children do not want to share me. So I don’t bother. I truly dated enough decades ago that I’m content being just a mother.
Your creating a mess with that child letting him tell you what you can and cant do. Your the adult. But then again there could be a reason, it could be you dont pick good ppl amd he sees it. Also you may also have an issue with balancing your relationship with being a parent. At 11 they’re super smart. Its that or you or just him being contolling and jealous. You know what it is deep inside r
At 10 years old it does not work in my experience. I totally regretted staying with the guy for so long.
I feel you need to come up with ideas of things you can all do together so you’re all laughing a lot together, and soon she will be fine. But always check to ensure something inappropriate DIDNT happen between your boyfriend and your daughter!
I’m sorry but I feel like there’s something wrong with the fact that he’s refusing to be around your daughter. He’s the adult and needs to set the example.
Has she expressed she doesn’t like you dating or doesn’t like him? Have you asked her why she doesn’t like him? I know you mentioned she doesn’t like sharing time but…
I would also try and do more one on one things with not just her, but your other kids too. Could be something simple and cost effective at home. I have three of my own and one on the way, my ex and I make it a point to try and balance our time equally between family time (yes, all of us at once) and individual time with just daddy and just mommy per kid. It’s hard but it’s so beneficial
Just tell him shes scared.
So don’t date. You won’t die lol Obviously she is not ready take this time off to find out why. What’s more important than your childs overall well being? Kids change it could be a number of reasons. Don’t ignore it because trust me she’ll remember forever that she asked you not to and you dismissed her and did it anyway. She will probably change her mind eventually once it is addressed but that takes time.
You don’t need advice on this matter. Common sense is highly underrated.
Trust your daughter. She is the priority.
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Trust your girl…It would be normal reaction after your attention changed. You’ll need a good balance spend time with both of them. Of course the best thing would be the man could stand up for you , be your partner and take responsibility as future step father … Well, since you are a mother, whoever date with you must need to accept the fact all your kids. Like a qualification he must have. otherwise, just simplified as sleeping buddy.
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I was single for 35years.two son were 18,15.but thery said Don’t date but be safe. I married at 57yrars again my boys love him .but need to sit them both and talk.
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This man is grown. If he is staying away that would definitely make me wonder. When you date to me it’s like take me as I am with kids or go on your way. I would definitely talk to your 11 yr old and like someone said listen to them. I feel as he is acting a little out of the way. These days you can’t trust no one.
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Trust your daughter. She’s the main priority…
Trust your daughters instincts. Sometimes, children say the way that they feel, in a way that they think that we can understand. She may have a hidden feeling that he could be dangerous. Or she may be sensing hidden agendas from him. He might not be the one for you. Read it the way that it is. She doesn’t want you to just not be happy. She wants the entire family to be happy and secure.
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Or sometimes children get jealous of your time with someone else. She needs to understand that just as she has friends, you would like the same. You might like to go out now and then.
Children come first until they’re a lot older than this
I would ask her reasoning and go from there but if it’s because she just doesn’t want you to date and really nothing to do with him then she needs to be told she is the child and you will be dating but you will still be there for her as well. Unless he is mean to her or has abused her she really doesn’t have any say
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Theres a reason she feels the way she does. And theres a reason he is staying away…
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Talk to ur kids hear what they want and let them explain y and then explain to them u love them no man will come between u and them then go get ur bf and have him sit down with them and do like a game night maybe have him take each kid one on one to do something so they can Bond and get to know each other (that last part depends on where u ND him r in ur relationship if y’all aren’t there then don’t do it till u r)
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If I could redo it is have stayed single but the bible calls young woman to remarry.
I have 3 boys its basically been us all these years but 2 years ago I started dating someone well 3 weeks ago I had a sit down with my kids . My boyfriend does everything a father does but their father always puts idea in their head . I finally put my foot down kids think dont have boundaries these days it’s up to us parents to put up boundaries. Now my boyfriend doesn’t hide and still do things for them But I was in a relationship one time where the guy wouldn’t put his kids in their place I wouldn’t come around cause it’s not a child’s place to talk crap to someone that ain’t did nothing wrong . I didnt come around and cutt the dad off . So I’ve seen it a couple of ways and delt it . Does the kids run the homes now or the parents.? That’s the question? It would be one thing if he fought with her but avoiding her I think he just needs to leave you along . Cause you haven’t set your boundaries and a 11 year running her mouth.
Having BEEN in your situation, PLEASE, make your 11 year old dauhter the priority!!! You have the rest of your life to date after a few more years. When she is grown and moved out!! I was selfish and chose a man over my children and almost 20 years later, my NOW 29 year old daughter, and i barely have any type of relationship because of my actions!!! I’d almost sell my soul to go back in time so I could do things differently!!!
How do you even have time to date w all those kids? I barely got to spend time w my husband when my kids were that age. Maybe your 11 yr old has something there. They need your focus there are a lot of them. They grow up fast! They shldnt be sharing there time. They are young, they need you.
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When your preteen daughter acts weird around your bf, you need to RUN away from that man. Run!! Somethings not right
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Children are very observant. I’m sure that your daughter may see what you don’t see. You may be ignoring your children more than you think when he is around. Your daughter has a right to express her feelings but only if she does so in a respectable manner. I think that it is important that you reflect on the relationship in which you have with this man. It’s also important that you examine why he isn’t coming around when your daughter is present. Is she rude or disrespectful to him and are you standing by allowing it to happen? If this guy is serious about you then he will be the man that I’m assuming that he is and sit down and have a discussion with your daughter. It’s normal for children to become jealous of their parents’ partner if they are being ignored when the partner is in their presence. If he refuses to have a conversation with your daughter, and there is tension between the both of them then you need to choose your children and let him go !!
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I couldn’t imagine raising such selfish little humans. My kids always wanted me to be happy EVEN if they was being put in a situation where they didnt like the guy I was with. I never knew til after the relationship was over. My kids are amazing and selfless. Of coarse I always choose them…
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Talk to your daughter help her to really understand that she is still important to u as she was before u started dating just because your dating doesn’t mean u don’t love her any less
Talk to her, find out if it is "typical jealousy " or something else. Keep in mind, if he is willing to give up that easily he may not be able to handle the grind of child rearing.
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The sad fact that you let your kids run your life…You can date but explain to her that she needs to respect you and who you date…You’ve been with this guy for a year now if he truly respects you he will do the right thing…A steady relationship with a permanent outcome is more important to your daughter then bed hoping…Now, if he doesn’t want to be part of your family then that’s his true colors and you need to release him…
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Sounds like you need to have a more important conversation with your boyfriend. By not coming around when your 11 year old is around gives the impression that your 11 year old is right about him wanting all your intention. Divorce is hard on kids and she’s obviously still hurting over a broken family. My 17 year old still wants me back with her dad and we’ve been separated for 16 years. Just be open and honest with her like I am with my girls. My 17 year has done a complete 180 because I’ve always been honest with her.
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Communicate with him and your child. Why does it bother you? Is it this guy specifically or would it upset no matter who it was? Reassure, I’m your mother first…girlfriend comes 2nd. Let her know you will not be getting with her dad…regardless of whether or not you’re single and he’s not til trying to replace Dad. I know everyone is saying you’re kids come first…they do. If there’s an actual reason to have to choose. You deserve to be happy to. Communication is always key though.
Not up to your daughter to decide your happiness & future. If he isn’t the ONE, the next one might be
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Sounds like typical jealously , she will be fine, he just can’t give up coming around. If he does, then you probably shouldn’t be with him
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Tell her you don’t want her dating when she ready to date see how that rolls over
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The child is lacking attention, put your relationship to the side and focus on your child, you only get one shot
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Why is the 11 year old calling the shots?
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enjoy your children while you can, real men will be there long after your children are grown and gone
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I was that daughter once, choose her or you will lose her. It took many many years for my mom and I to mend our relationship. She never remarried but she has dated many different men since her divorce with my dad when I was 11 years old some for years at a time. When I turned 18 I moved our immediately and barely saw her until my son was born 4 years later. At 11 years old living with 1 parent or another she needs you as a mother, to know that she is the priority, there’s a lot going on in the life of an 11 year girl. Be there to make movies with her and make that bond before you lose her.
Ask her why she don’t like him and ask her to be upfront ? If it’s cause she just jealous she will just have to get used to the idea of having a stepdad one day. You can’t let your kids run your life. If it’s cause he’s done something to her or her siblings you don’t know about. She needs to feel comfortable to tell you.
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Seems like she is a little jealous…i know kids needs time…im single too …5 kids!! And i been dating for a while…explaint to her that you have needs too and have the right to be happy too…as far as you are not neglecting your kids…they will adjust…you are not doing nothing wrong…dont feel bad,we are mothers…not servants…and we are human as they are…explain that to her…be kind and supportive…divorce is hard …but not the end of world…good luck…
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I trust my kids… but does her father know that you have a boyfriend?? Is he seeing anyone else? Sometimes jealousy will trickle into the kiddos and will come out exactly like it was said around them. I do know this can happen and I’ve seen it. She has to realize too that it’s not all about them all of the time. Don’t get me wrong, please, but you’re allowed to have someone else in your life as long as they are kind and understanding. She is a child and he’s an adult. If she’s not being neglected in this situation, it should be a teaching lesson here.
When my parents divorced and they both started dating . I hated everyone who they dated . I didn’t want my mom to date another man or my dad to date another female . I wanted my parents together
My favorite saying was “your not my mom” or “your not my dad”.
I got jealous .
This is all normal behavior
But my parents never let me get in the way of dating as I was the child not the adult
Maybe sit down with your daughter and explain
That this is your choice not hers and your happy and that’s what matters
Ask her , her feelings and maybe she has reasons for why she is that way
I know one of my dads girlfriends were very mean to me and my dad didn’t believe me till after awhile of him seeing it himself
By him not being around he is allowing a 11 year old to control your relationship
That is not okay
I was single for 12 years with two kids. I dated a lot brought some around but not too many as they got older unless I knew it was definitely goin to be a permanent thing. I didn’t want to drag people in and out of their lives. It wasn’t fair to them to go through that. My time with them was my time as mom, my time alone was as a woman. Kids see everything we do and we set that example for them. I learned that as they tell me now at 19 and 16. WOW was I shocked all the shot they saw me doing I didn’t think they saw and remembered when they were little or their dad (who they resent moving a new woman in every few years). I’m now remarried to a man with a child and we all live together not perfect but happy.
If they don’t love him then something is wrong… I understand him though. It’s a turn off when you are the outsider and the kids act like that. She could be being a brat. And needs to be talked to. Also child molestation is real.
Sounds like tome for a serious talk about boundaries
.
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Mom you need to ask her listen to her. There’s a reason
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No matter what ur kids come first
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Stay with the father lmao problem solved
I mean. With kids that young, who really has time to fit dating in it… Maybe she is coming from a place where they arent getting any attention… These days you cant trust men around kids that arent theirs… But thats just me… Its one thing to date but to bring a man home with younger children that wouldnt work for me… And by him not wanting to come around instead of involving her maybe playing a game watching a movie says alot on his part… Stop putting men before kids… Jmo
If he’s staying away instead of trying to include the kids he’s not interested in being step Daddy. Drop him like a hot potato
For one if the man’s back in down because your daughters there I don’t see no future… straight up and point blank