HELP ME PLEASE!! I am a single mother of 4 children (11, 9, 5, 3) I have been divorced for almost three and a half years now. I have been dating the same guy for the past year. My oldest daughter (11) has expressed her dislike about me dating and “sharing our time together with someone else,” and she has also expressed this to him. Now, if she is here, he refuses to come around. I have told him that isn’t the way to handle, and if he just keeps on and doesn’t allow her to push him away from that, she will realize that he isn’t stealing my attention, but he doesn’t feel the same way. What do I do?
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I think your daughter is reaching out and possibly telling you she doesnt like the man you’re with, consider her feelings. Sometimes we are blinded by what’s really going on. Maybe your daughter needs you to listen to her and leave this man alone.
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Set aside time with your daughter obviously she feels left out. And if and when he does come around prepare fun game, movie. Popcorn, pig out eating night. I feel if our children are expressing an emotion towards us it’s for a reason not to push their buttons and do what we want but adapt to her.
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while you may be ready for dating, it sounds like your kids aren’t. and the guy you’re with doesn’t sound like he’s ready to date a single mom. Honestly, kick him to the curb and keep the next guy away from your kids for a while.
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If the guy I’m dating has no intentions of getting to know my kids he is history. The first guy I dated after my split was like that and I kicked him to the curb right away. Kids can feel weird about their parents dating and it’s up to you and the man to assure them everything is okay.
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There’s always a reason for a childs behavior. Dont force her to have a relationship with this man. Do it when they’re not around. She’s old enough to know what she is talking about.
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Leave him if he is going to be that childish to not come around your kids. Your daughter probably has a bad feeling about him and he just proved her right. Please listen to your kids.
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Act like you are attempting to do it. I bet she sees how sad you are and changes her mind quick. Good luck!!
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Unfortunately she’s a child and doesn’t control your life lol.
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If ur kids r telling u they dont like someone. I should listen
She sounds like a typical 11 year old he on the other hand sounds like a spoiled little baby trying to compete with a child and a child’s mentality - dump the a******
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I think you need to find out why she doesn’t like him. If it truly is only about time then I’m sorry but you’re an adult and she needs to learn how to cope with it. If it’s something serious then he needs to go.
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Your children come first. If your daughter feels like her time with you is being decreased, you need to work harder on bonding with her than worrying about your guy. Sorry but guys come and go no matter how perfect they seem but your children are only little once and need you.
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I would start by asking her why she feels that way and this guy if he is just going to handle a situation like this he might not be the guy for u that’s not ten way to handle something like that and he needs to grow up
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I would ask her why she doesn’t like him
Your daughter is crying out to you. She wants your attention and that is okay. They don’t stay children forever. Enjoy her and involve yourself more in her interests.
Dump him! NOW!
He’s the adult, but he’s not acting like one. This is about her not him. He should work to not make her feel like he’s a threat to her relationship with you.
My stepdaughter was 4 when her dad & I started dating. He’s had custody since she was 2. One night he was trying to put her to sleep and she she stayed very sternly “I’m not going to sleep until SHE leaves!” He told her to apologize, she refused and I told him it was ok, then told her I was just leaving because I had an early morning at work. For a while after that I would leave when it was her bath time and made sure not to be there at her bedtime since that was a trigger for her, but we spent other time together and then one night she asked me to give her a bath and put her to bed.
I can’t say it’s been bliss ever since but I love her and she loves me and that won’t ever change.
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dating should be done outside of the home. Until it becomes more serious. Now, that doesn’t mean he can’t take you AND your kids on a date. But there shouldn’t be any “him over every night” mess. Keep your two lives separate for now.
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Your daughter needs more time. Your boyfriend is respecting that. Maybe keep them mostly separate for now - make sure she knows your not shopping for a new daddy
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He’s obviously not ready to deal with children, but it’s not her decision on whether you date or not.
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If he knew you had kids at start he should know that daughter’s always think that their dad is the best and no one can take that spot but the guy should show that he not there to replace him but to care about her
Though she has no control over your dating life and you’re allowed to date and have you time, he sounds like an asshole lol.
I disagree with the people saying you should leave him. Clearly he’s a good guy otherwise he wouldn’t care to keep away to respect her feelings.
My sister had a VERY HARD TIME warming up to our “step dad” it took a couple of years but guess what SHE ADORES HIM now. He is OUR DAD. He’s raised us. He stepped in. He is so in our hearts. He was the first to show up when i was going into labour. 
He just has to be patient like my dad was he never forced her to love him. He earned that spot in her heart.
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My mom started dating a guy when I was 15 and always prioritized time with him, just make sure you’re not doing the same 
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If the only reason she doesnt want you dating is because she has to share your time she sounds like a brat that needs to get over it. If theres a real reason for disliking him thats different but it sounds like shes just being selfish. Dont let a child control your life. If he treats you right tell your kid to get over ir
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Listen to what’s she’s saying. She’s old enough to understand her emotions on the surface. She’s saying this for a reason. Get to the bottom of it respectfully and work this out. There is obviously something going on between her and your boyfriend if he is letting her push him away.
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If that’s how he handles it, he isn’t interested in your children. You have 4. That’s a problem. She may see something in him (or lack there of) that you don’t. Kids are more aware and receptive than we give them credit for.
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I think you need to listen to your daughter and not your coochie!! Can’t you see your boyfriend when your free of children.
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As a single father, I can relate to this. Man or woman, dating a single parent is a huge challenge. A lot of people won’t even try it. There was many a time I would meet a woman, tell her I was a single father, and she would vanish quicker than a magician.
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At first I didn’t like my mom dating at that age. I was jealous with this new person taking my mom away. About 6m later Then it got worse once I found out that his son was moving in with us. He was younger than me so now he was the “baby”. I was jealous and angry. It takes time. My mom explained every move with me and it honestly takes time. And for all the other comments about him acting like a baby, I think he stopped coming around because the daughter expressed her feelings and he doesn’t want to make her uncomfortable. Also the daughter will most likely not like anyone the mom will date because maybe she wants her parents to be together again. Just a thought.
Main thing: talk to your daughter about her feelings and your feelings as well.
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- your kids come first (which I am not saying they don’t)
- Your daughter needs to hear it from the one your dating that he’s not trying to replace her bio Dad. That he’s just a bonus Dad.
- you deserve to be happy too
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He dont wanna be around ur children because children tell lies and she could get him in trouble he is trying to stay out her way period and i dont blame him
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I too have an 11 year old. And been dating my bf for 4 years. Now even though my 11 year old didn’t tell me he didn’t like my bf Jon, he has told me upon meeting someone or hanging out with them a couple times that they are no good. He couldn’t tell us why he thought/felt but every single time he’s told me that he has been right. Your kid is trying to tell you something. You may not see it and they may not be able to express how they know, but they know and you should listen.
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Does she have a LEGIT reason not to like him OUTSIDE of just not wanting to share your time? find a way to assure her of your time while at the same time making it clear that your ability and readiness to date is not dictated by your children. If he is truly a good guy then don’t let your kids run him off. They may come around someday. Divorce is hard on kids.
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Sometimes it is best to wait until they are grown. Children come first. If he has problems with this perhaps he is not the one. I think you already know what to do you just do not want to do it. You have to put your daughter first. Work things out with her first about dating any guy, then feel free to go out. Perhaps it is too soon for her. You cannot let them manipulate you BUT. You have to sacrifice sometimes.
It takes time he needs to be patient or find a woman without kids
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I was like that at that age when my mom was dating. My older brother finally sat me down and explained that in a few years I would be leaving for college and that mom should be allowed to be happy and not be alone. 25 years later he is one of the people I care for most on my life even though they are now divorced.
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All these women with their pom poms out saying he’s obviously not ready to get to know your kids he doesn’t care blah blah blah, did anybody ever think about the fact that since the daughter expressed her feelings to them he’s stayed away because he doesn’t want to upset her or take ‘her time’ with her mother, that maybe he’s trying to be respectful and he may not agree with intruding on an 11 year old and hurting her feelings so he chooses to visit when she gone? Dumb.
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I’m disagreeing with everyone.
These r reasons shes thinks this:
Mom will replace me
Mom wont love me
Mom will have more kids and i will be left alone.
Mom has a chance if shes single to get back with dad.
My dad barley has time for us when he got his gf. I dont want mom to do this.
Im sorry but u need to date and get back at it after 3 years. You have every right. Your child just need a confirm that he or she is important.
It sounds like ur child went through a lot when yall broke up 3 yrs ago. He cant handle it still
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My mom left my dad and chose her abusive boyfriend over me time and time again. I’m not saying your boyfriend is abusive. I’m just saying make sure that you’re not choosing him over your daughter. That is something she will resent you for later. In a few more years she wont care if you date or not because she’s going to be dating and wanting to do her own thing. Spend this time with her. Don’t force your boyfriend on her
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Why don’t you focus on your child instead of worrying about an adult.
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Honestly, it sounds like a jealousy thing.
Him avoiding her won’t fix it. It’ll cause resentment to grow.
You 2 can sit and talk to her, as many times as you need to but I’m advising her schools psychologist or a family therapist. Involve her dad.
I know a kid who acted that way bc her friends stepdad abused her so she figured all stepdads did. Weird to an adult but very common for a child.
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There’s no man that is ever going to be more important than my children. If the dynamic of that man and your children isn’t working, you know your child best. And he doesn’t fit in, whether he may seem like he’s being mindful or not. The right man will make all pieces fall together without effort.
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If hes the right guy. You wont have to tell him or remind him of anything. He’ll do it on his own.
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I think u should date
Kids can get really jealous and controlling
Maybe u guys should do family fun night
Boardgames
Buy a fusball table
Outdoors fun parks
Cut it short and
Also dinners but then have him.leave not all day…not yet
It really helps if he has things in common like 0laying candy crush
Hes running away:thinking:
Hes bot strong enough for this
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I personally wouldn’t let my CHILD decide if I date or not or who I date but that’s me. Unless he’s touching her, abusing y’all or doing something else inappropriate then she can get over it. Sit them all down and have a talk.
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Mine has never told me they didn’t want me to date. I got divorced three years ago and I am in a serious relationship now. No matter what children are never going to want their father replaced dating does not replace their father dating just makes you a little bit happier because when the kids are grown they’ll be out of the house and you need somebody to settle down with if that’s what you want. So I say dataweigh don’t bring kids around the new guys wait till you have a serious one to introduce them. Just my advice. But it is hard they will throw hissy-fits if they’re in a 13 years but the little ones except it. Nothing in life is easy but I would rather go through a little hecticness now then to be alone for the rest of my life that’s just me
If she does not like him there is most likely a good reason. You need to seriously have a talk and find out what has occurred to make her not want him around.
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She is entitled to her feelings and stating an opinion, but you are an adult and it is totally fine that you are dating someone.
In addition to my last comment my daughter is 12 and she is the same age and I went through the same thing. It’s just the age it doesn’t sound like she doesn’t like him it just sounds like she doesn’t want you to date anybody. They think they’re not going to get enough attention but as long as you’re sweating your time and giving your kids more attention than your man they will accept it eventually it just takes time
Unless he’s acting inappropriate with her, she is just being jealous and doesn’t want a new person in your life. Maybe she’s harboring hope that you get back with her dad.
Either way, she’s old enough to be sat down and told that adults need companionship and another adult in their lives, and that one day she will be grown up and move out and it’s not fair to expect you to be alone.
My 4 yr old once told me he didnt want to a guy "friend"s house when we had just started dating, granted I knew this man for 25 yrs. But I told my son Im the adult and you dont tell me who Im seeing or where we are going. Plain and simple be the adult and make her understand shes a child and thats not her decision!
Have you sat down and just talked to her her reasons may be valid to her
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Do not let your child run your dating life
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What happen to adults business not being any of the child’s concern or choice i mean as long as the guy thats around isnt harming your child in anyway then its really not her choice or business who your dating or what you doing your the parent and the boss not her. Just because your a single mom doesn’t mean you actually have to be alone and miserable you have to think about your happiness to and your future for after your children are gone its not fair to you either to never have a adult relationship just because your kid is jealous and doesn’t want to share you.
My daughter is the same way she is 11 years old and doesn’t want me to date and told me a few times as well… She is afraid he going to replace her father what is is Not… Always talk to your kids there will understand it also takes time…
Don’t date wtf. Kids come 1st
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Date that man. Everyone deserves happiness. Kids dont mean you can’t be happy outside of being a mom. If its a serious commitment. He needs to invest time into your daughter as well. Maybe he could take HER out. Or if you’re not comfortable with that. All 3 of you go do something fun together, but let them interact more so than you two…they just need to get to know each other better.
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Some of y’all don’t get it. You’d rather chase a man than parent. These comments are out of control 
. No wonder kids grow up hating their mamas because they chose men over their babies
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I wouldn’t allow anyone around my son unless it’s a serious enough relationship that’s heading towards marriage. He doesn’t need to be around anyone I date, he’s my priority & it’s been that way the last 9 years. I suggest only dating or spending time w/someone when you don’t have your children.
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Lol at all the people saying you need to stay single and unhappy until your kids are grown and out of the house because your 11 year old is jealous.
Dont let a child run your dating life because they don’t want to share, all that will do is turn them into a narcissist.
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Maybe she just personally dont like the guy yer with? Or senses something off but dont want to tell you exactly? Does he spend time playing with them? cuz they’re part of the package deal.
I’m 20 and watched my mom sorta in this situation but we told her something seemed off bout the people she was with and eventually she learned the hard way from not listening we were right cuz bad things ended up happening not goin into detail tho
Spend more one on one time with her. If she told him that she feels he’s taking her time with you, then I think he’s taking the right approach by distancing himself when you have your children. Her feelings are valid. If she’s feeling this way, maybe you’re being a bit selfish and favoring this guy.
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She has to heal or have some closure in her life about her real father first.
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Let’s play devil’s advocate here. Always kids first but at the same time she shouldnt just not do anything either. Looks like a long conversation with your daughter is in order.then mayb the three of you can go out and do something to break the ice. Either way I wish u well
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She should want you to be happy if he is a good man and cares about you and your kids she has to get over this she can’t rule your life and she shouldn’t want to she is a child now but she will grow up and find her own happiness before long
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From what I see here,she needs to be put in her place like an little 11 years kid.And stop discussing your relationships with your little kids,you don’t need their permission to do anything as a mother.All she does in the house is eat and shit! Her early controlling ways needs to stop!!! Does she tell her dad not to date? Keep the motherly routine up and she will get the hint…that it’s your rules not hers.
I don’t believe I could continue dating him. 
I would focus on my children and family counseling so maybe I can get a better understanding of why my child feels that way. I would never pick a man over my kids, it might not even work out with the dude and now you’re dealing with a child who doesn’t trust you because you chose someone else over them, they’ll ALWAYS be your kid.
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Currently experiencing the same kinda issues with my seven year old. I feel this.
I think shes a CHILD and can get over herself.
She’s a child and doesn’t understand grown people problems. That’s not her choice to make.
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He doesn’t know children
I’m not sure I’d discount her feelings that quickly — is the guy safe? Is he making everyone happy (being normal? Reasonable?) where’s her dad? Most of the kids in my circle check out w BFs/GFs - try to figure out what’s bugging her 
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Your life isn’t up to her. If it’s just friends or boyfriends it doesn’t matter. Make sure to include her and get some one on one time but at this rate when she’s a teenager and bossy and going through her faze she will feel she has the right to dictate your life. And you will find it a power struggle when you are trying to make rules for her to follow.
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We do love our children and of course they come first however without a reason you can’t have your children rule your life so I encourage you not to listen to some of these comments. I think you need to just give all your children reassurance set up time you can spend with them alone and keep encouraging the guy even if for brief times to come and be involved perhaps regular dinners and activities. They will come around eventually talk to them about your relationship and the happiness you’ve found in that, it is important that children try to understand your position and how that relationship doesn’t affect your relationship if anything they should be happy when mum is happy as you are happy for them when they are happy. Be patient me kind keep encouraging and it will be ok just give it time and consistency.
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I’d tell her to get over it, she’s a child and needs to be put in her place. Unless she’s being physical hurt by him, then sorry you are allowed to be happy and date…
I’d Sit down with them both and have a conversation, she might think he is trying to take her fathers place and tell her that you are going to date him and she will just have to accept it.
You already have for kids, are you sure you still need a guy? 4 kids are hard to handle and this is the time that they need you the most, always always choose the kids. I would understand you if your kids were already in college but omg they are still in their shaping age and while raising these four kids you still have time to flirt, omg mama you need to divert your attention now!
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If there’s no real reason for her to dislike him then I don’t see why she shouldn’t continue dating him. Yes you should prioritize your children over a man but it sounds to me like no man would be good enough. Maybe instead of ditching him because the child is feeling jealous, find ways to help them bond. Activities you could all do together, board games, maybe go somewhere fun together. It’ll take time but I think building their relationship up is the best route.
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You wear the pants not her. You date. Make time for her as well
Don’t stop dating because your daughter says so, but also, if this guy is just not coming around when she’s there because she said something - maybe he’s not the kind of guy you should continue dating?
My kid does the same thing… Shes 12. She honestly thinks her dad and i should get back together and constantly tries to sabotage the relationship he and his gf has. My boyfriend now she hasnt tried this with as of yet.
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Always choose your kids.
If that was my daughter I’d be trying to figure out why she feels that way… ?
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Date if he’s a good guy. Have family dates too so they can bond. Watch a Disney movie w ice cream and popcorn. Go out for pizza or bowling. Have someone fun babysit them when you go out on dates alone. Reassure them they are the most important people to you above anyone else. Most just need assurance and a little extra attention. They’ve lost one parent and don’t want to lose another or be out in the back burner when some stranger sucks up all your time. Your bf needs to understand this and bond with them as well. It’s a package deal. He doesn’t have to automatically be “dad”, but a friend to them. Someone that is fun and safe.
Omm- There might be more going on?
Have you tried counseling?
Ask deeper questions…
maybe google some questions for discussion with her and for him. Does he have kids? How is the interaction with your boyfriend and your kids? It’s deeper than just her opinion. Not suggesting somethings off the wall wrong, but… how do you juggle him and the kids. That’s a lot. For anyone married or dating.
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Sounds like he’s not the right guy for your family.
Looking for a mate means finding someone not afraid to do the hard work to get to know your family and earn the kids respect.
If you don’t, you risk them not coming around at all once grown 
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If any of my kids expressed they weren’t getting enough time from me because of a man I would stop dating…but that’s just me. Kids are only little once and you can’t get that time back
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She’s a kid… not sure when our kids started making decisions for us adults🤷♀️. If u feel your ready then that’s all that matters. BUT I do agree with not introducing then to a BF until u have been serious at least a year. But that’s just my opinion
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Your daughter in time will get use to you dating however if the guy your dating won’t come around I would think twice about him because your a package deal if he can’t accept the way she feels right now and be the adult and build her trust and have patience and understanding then I would let him go you can always replace a man but you can’t replace your child
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It is absolutely terrifying how many replies on here are trying to twist and imply something disgusting. Im sure the mom knows her daughter better than the rest of these people and if her daughter was “trying to tell her something else” or if she was “actually uncomfortable with this man because hes probably done something inappropriate to her” I’m sure the mother would see and hear the double implication in her words…ans if the mom didnt then how in the hell did these people replying get to that conclusion from what is written here? Its disturbing how many people automatically jump to some sinister reason why this 11 year old doesnt want her mom dating…I mean how about it’s just because she’s 11 years old and has hopes that r mom and dad get back together and/ or she is a rebellious teen that is going to push back against a step parent just cause she can??? Dear lord. No wonder guys are scared shitless now a days. Their entire lives could be derailed by a little girl’s attention seeking mother who twists and contorts her daughter feelings or words into something that is untrue. That is probably why the man refuses to go over there now. Since the 11 year old openly said she didn’t like them dating he is taking the safe road and staying away just in case. And p.s to the original poster. Girl it’s been 3.5 years since your split eith your ex and you’ve been eith new guy for a year. Your doing it right. Just becsuse you split from your kids dad you DO NOT have to “wait for the kids to be grown up and out of the house” or “ALWAYS put your kids before every single thing in your life, job, dating, everything,” …that’s almost comical and it’s immature and in experienced thinking and logic. In order for you to be the best mom you can be for your kids you have to a. Be able to have some financial security (job), b. You have to be happy and enjoy your adult Time with other adults and feel wanted and confident. (Dating). C. Kids do not rule your life and you do not need their permission to live your life. Yes of course they are major part of your life and their safety is the your most important goal but people get that confused and end up with their kids running their entire lives and end up miserable. What I would do is first and foremost take your daughter to dinner; just youand her. And have a real actual conversation with her about what dating and happiness means to you let her know that you understand her feelings and that just because your dating does not mean you are replacing her dad. Let her know that her dad will always be her dad and that if and when you get remarried, you are just adding more people to love, protect and care for her. Let her Express her feelings without getting upset or anything. Make sure she knows that you do care about her feelings and respect that she has an opinion but that yes you are her mom but that you are also somebody outside of that role. Make sure she knows that your there to hear her out and listen to all concerns. Try to answer any questions she has about your bf and you as truthful as you can possibly be. After that I would do the same with your younger kiddos. Then ultimately I would take your bf and your kiddos out together and let him answer any questions they have for him. While this is multiple steps and actions hopefully by the end of it they will have bonded a little and start to except eachother. Good luck mama
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He is being ridiculous.
My and my sisters didnt like our stepdad for afew years. Lol. 13 years later we love him.
She will get over it but if that’s how hes gonna deal with it then maybe time for a new man 
how is a child gonna learn to like you if you’re avoiding her.
I was the same age wen I told my mom I didn’t like her boyfriend! Idk wat happened but he never came around afterwards
If she doesn’t have a reason to actually dislike him then go ahead and live your life. Talk to her though. Find out why she doesn’t want to date. She’s young and alot of kids that young expect their parents may get back together so if that is what she expressed then tell her in no uncertain terms that is not gonna happen and that you’re moving forward and want to be happy and you would very much like if they would be happy for you. But talk to her first. Find out the root cause
Riddle me this: what letter are SOME of you guys reading? The 11 TOLD her mom the problem, she doesn’t want her dating. She didn’t say anything about this particular man. It could be another man, she doesn’t want her dating PERIOD. Then y’all insult the man because he doesn’t want to come around when she’s around, he’s actually smart. If she’s trying to sabotage her mom’s relationship, she may try to lie on him. Mom should look into getting her daughter therapy. Odds are she wants her parents back together and she’s fearful that mom will remarry. Therapy will help her process her feelings and maybe after individual therapy, they can have therapy as a family.
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Have him take her for a hamburger and tell her how important she and all of you are to him.
Divorce Sucks when children are involved. This kind of thing takes time. Your kids have to understand, this is how it’s going to be.
I would say dont not date because she dsnt like it because she may never like it…
What I will say is if he dsnt put in the work to be part of the family hes not worth it…
I would sit her down and say you want to be happy and you need to date for you but say it will never come between you and your kids and she will always come first. Ask her to explain why she dsnt want to date and say she cant just say because she dsnt like it or because she dsnt … ect
You need to be happy to mama
Maybe he should take each child out on their own “date”.
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Don’t ever let your kids make you feel bad, they are kids you are the parent, you have a right to be happy also
Your time is spread pretty thin with 4 kids already. Dont you get why she doesnt want it spread any thinner?
Maybe give her a year. She’ll have plenty in the coming year socially that shecwont depend on mom so much.
I know you want a boyfriend but you have 4 kids to get grown a little first.
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