I’ve been with my fiance for 6 years. We both have 3 children from previous relationships. My oldest son is 14, and he hasn’t seen his bio dad since he was 6. We all have been living together for 2 years. My problem is my 14 yr old and my fiance do not get a long. At all. They argue, and barely talk at all. I want my son to have a positive male in his life, and I wish my fiance and my son had a closer relationship. But it seems like my fiance is kinda just “tolerating” my oldest. At this point I’m ready to leave because I feel like my fiance should be there more for my son, like how he is here for me when I need him. He talks to all the other kids, just not my oldest. I just don’t know if I’m overreacting or not…any advice will help, I can take the good and bad. Thank you for letting me vent and I really appreciate this group so much
At the end of the day he’s the adult I feel no more needs to be said
This is one side of the story. I have a 15 year old daughter and a 15 year old step daughter. Hormones in teens changes things. No where in here did it say how it was the first 3 - 5 years. 14 is a tough age to get along with, is it being tolerated or giving each other space because this is a age until about 17 where its only about me me me. My husband always comes to me " why is she so mad, what did I do" I go to my kid " what’s going on? " nothing mom I just don’t have anything to say" so at 14 ( he not a man) but he’s coming into manhood set them down individually and together I bet its deeper. Bio dad may not be there but I bet there’s some resistance to fully open up to the fiancé cause he may lose bio dad forever. Maybe they just have different personalities there’s a lot more going on and it may be a simple fix or maybe it’s more complex. Don’t give up on either, 6 years is a long time invested to just walk away until you have truly looked at the whole picture. I doubt it’s being tolerated there’s a communication problem. Good luck 
Definitely leave if your fiance can’t treat your son the same as the rest of your kids, your child deserves a toxic free home surrounded by nothing but love.
Send them on days out with just the two of them. Think of something your son likes, such as theme parks and boot them both out for the day. They haven’t found a common ground and need to bond over something. If a couple of months of making fun memories together doesn’t change anything, they aren’t going to get along. Your partner needs to give his best effort though to make sure he has a positive experience.
Respect has to come from BOTH!! (adult & child) POINT BLANK PERIOD! END OF STORY!!
So you’ve been ok with tolerating your son only being tolerated. That makes you look worse than the boyfriend! At 14 yrs old your son knows he’s just being tolerated! How do you think that makes him feel? If everyone else is being loved…respected…paid genuine attention to how would you feel? If your boyfriend cant interact with your son in a respectful manner…can’t talk to him and treat him like he cares for him etc then that’s really sad…but the saddest part is if your sons living this way it’s his mom that’s allowing it to happen. What your son is living in and with falls on you. Either sit back and keep watching it happen to your son or take a stand to get it fixed or leave.
It’s all or nothing (I have had a blended family dynamic) everyone is treated well and respected and appreciated … or it’s nothing.
Kids come first it can’t be nice for your son to be feeling so uncomfortable in his only safe space. He will see how he is treated differently too which will affecting him more as he doesn’t have another male role model to keep a balance.
Your child always come first. Right now your most important job is to raise happy and healthy kids.
Why haven’t you married your fiancee after 6 years that the 1st red flag
If he’s not putting the efforts into your son or trying I’d end it. I want to be with someone who can commit and be with ALL of my children with all of the efforts being given into them.
I’d do whatever I could do to facilitate communication with all members of the household. Blending families is hard, so very hard. There’s also a program called Nacho Kids, that holds the belief that you don’t have to love your step kids like your kids. You say they don’t get along, but is there abuse involve? If so, then yes, leave immediately. Let me ask you this…if his 14year old daughter and you didn’t get along (after only trying to blend your family for 2 years), would you be ok with everyone telling him to leave you? I’d be spending time researching about blending families…being a stepparent is HARD. Expectations from parents need to be addressed and communicated. Also, make sure the 14 year old isn’t manipulating the situation either…it happens. Once he gets a whiff that he can come between you two, that you’ll always take his side over the stepparent…game over for the adults relationship. But remember…you and your fiancé also need to show a united front too, in front of all the children. Your son is 14, with another man suddenly in the household, who he may feel has usurped his position of “man of the house”. So there maybe be tension because there is tension. This also happens with stepmoms and stepdaughters, when the SD has “mini wife syndrome”. Being a stepparent is not for the weak, I can not stress that enough. But again, if any kind of abuse is involved…please leave. If not, what do you want to do OP? What does fiancé want to do? This can work, what’s is worth to you and your husband? First thing though…communicate, communicate, communicate. Maybe get your son in therapy too. He maybe having issues not with your fiancé…but with being abandoned by his bio dad at 6…and is projecting feelings onto your fiancé. Just some things to think about because your situation is obviously not black and white…there is a lot of feelings, people, relationships to unpack here…including your own. To be honest, I don’t treat my own kids all the same…because they’re all different people with their own different personalities. My 14 year old has gotten moody and retreated mostly to his bedroom now. I can only coax him out with food and baseball on tv for short periods of time. My 10 year old is still needy and wants to show my everything and tell me everything. Your perception may be your fiancé and son don’t get along, but maybe your fiancé understands and remembers what it’s like to be a 14 year old boy and not poking that bear. Communicate, communicate, communicate.
You can’t force a child to like anyone just like you can’t force an adult to like your child. What’s the point of one day getting married just for them to tolerate each other. Tbh kids can sense some fake shit a mile away. He’s 14 he’s too old to be just throwing a tantrum over you having a fiancé he senses something is off.
How were things between them for the years prior to moving in together? Did things change once living together? Also,… 14 years of age, or when children begin reaching the age of puberty, their very hormonal and their feelings are all over the place within themselves. I would first make time to sit down and talk to your son. Tell him that you notice these things between him and your fiancé and it concerns you. Ask him how he feels about and if he’s uncomfortable for some reason? Ask him how you could make things better with the situation. This will at least let him know that you care and would like to try and make things better for him. You’ll be surprised how children at this age will open up to you, and really listen to what he has to say. Then,… have a talk and discussion with your fiancé and let him also know that you are concerned and worried about the situation between him and your son. If he really loves you,…he should understand and work on making things better between them, because he is the adult in this situation. If this still doesn’t work, then I would reconsider the relationship between you and your fiancé. Best of wishes for you and your family. From: an elderly grandma, who has seen, and experienced many things in life,…especially family situations.
Puberty…some people just dont get along. Everyone is up in arms that she should leave, but in reality, it may be the 12 year old causing the rift with teenage attitude. I would put him in counseling to get to the core of his anger. They dont have to like each other, but they do have to show some mutual respect.
First of all talk to the fiancé. Find out what his issue is. A 14 year old boy is full of hormones. He’s growing up. Get the issues from the fiancé and explain to him that your son is a typical teenage boy and maybe they need a bonding day.
Let your son know you love him very much, that your fiancé makes you happy but if your son isn’t happy you’ll leave.
If both your son and partner value you, then each of them need to find common ground. Effective communication, outlining there differences, and then forming a healthy respect… That can grow to friendship and beyond. There’s probably work to be done on all sides,
Some of these comments are a joke.
He SeNsEs SoMeThInG
Yeah his own fucking hormones, his attitude, whatever. HES 14.
Don’t leave your husband because he doesn’t get along with a teenager. Teenagers are hard to get along with. They don’t have to have a perfect relationship even if it’s what you’d prefer and contrary to popular belief here, he doesn’t have to like your child either. There has to be respect, but they don’t have to like each other. I recommend you find Nacho kids, there’s a group here on FB but also a podcast I think.
Why she’s just a child. Let her know she have to show respect. If she don’t respect him why. What he do are is she just as disrespectful To you also. Sounds like she just might need her ass beat. Kids should stay in a child place. That’s why alot of women is alone. Taking up for their smart behind kids. And when they get grown and move on with their lives. You left all alone.
Talk to them. Separately and together. Family counseling.
If he’s not there for your children before marriage, it is so so unlikely that he will all of a sudden change and be there after marriage.
I’m sorry but your son should not be tolerated …I think you need have the discussion with both your son and fiance but personally every child need to be treated equally xx
I think the best advice is here sit them both down and have a real heart to heart. You can’t force them to like one another, but they both gonna have to learn to respect one another.
I don’t agree with the boys are just boys statement because truly that has nothing to do with it. Respect is respect whether it’s boy or girl!! Usually a adult don’t just up and don’t like a kid without probable cause. I’m not saying he did something but I am saying what is the bigger pic ? How does your son speak to the adult?. Etc
I think it would be best if you sit down with both of them, first individually and then together to see what the problem is. You can also try counseling with both of them. Boys are just boys. Plus a 14 yr old in his teenage years it must be a little hard understanding what goes in his mind.
First of.all WHAT IS HUZZY DOING THAT THE CHILD CANT ACCEPT AND WHAT IS HE DOING THAT THE HUSBAND CANT ACCEPT. Speak to both of them separately and find out what’s going on then speak to them together. Talk to them. Let them speak their minds as well not argue but Talk. Identify for urself who is really the problem and fix that as well. If within a week things don’t change the decision is now yours. LETS NOT FORGET SOME KIDS LIKE THEIR OWN WAY AND CANT STAND AN OUTSIDE PARENT PULLING THEM UP.
I definitely wouldn’t be marrying a man that argues with my 14 yr old and treats him different.
This is so different because 14 year old teenager a time of puberty attitude kicks in…this angers your partner and then the clash…you partner will be thinking young man you think your right…but i know I’m right… please don’t split up over this…I am not blaming your lad…because at times your partner will be frustrated as well as your son…sitting them both down and talking to them is the best solution explain to them both how this is effecting you and other family members within the house hold …make them go camping and fishing for the night its not impossible
No ur. Not overreacting my x who I was with for 10 years didn’t get along with my oldest as I’ve gotten older I realize how much she suffered
If your kid doesn’t like who you’re with, then mama, he ain’t the right man for you. Kids and animals have damn near the same instinct on that aspect. That, and your kid should come first anyways. Men are always replaceable. The right one will love ALL your kids just as much as he should love you, no tolerance shit.
My bio daughter and step son are about to be 14 and honestly there are times I’m just tolerating the both of them. Between Puberty and life changes they can really push my buttons. I love them both but sometimes I just can’t deal with their attitudes and thinking they are grown. I suggest counseling. Also some people just don’t click and that’s ok. Everyone can’t like everyone. They just have to respect each other. Eventually the kids will be out of the house and it will just be you and your husband.
Teen boys are tough. My son is 14, and dear god…we want him a baby again. We haven’t had a real convo with this kid in months. He hates us? No clue.
Do you get along with your son well?
My advice is leave, my husband and my 14 year old were same way, it ended in my husband and son fist fighting and thats the day my husband moved out and never returned.
LEAVE. The fact you’re allowing your fiancé to “tolerate” your son is disgusting. Your son has one home and that’s with you, the fact he feels uncomfortable in his own home is unacceptable. Teenagers are unlikely to verbally communicate with you but I bet if you look at other aspects of his behaviour he’ll be telling you he’s unhappy. Your son’s dad already left him and now your fiancé wants nothing to do with him? Your son is gonna grow up with some serious issues if you don’t put him at the top of your priority list. He needs to feel safe and loved by his mum 
he’ll be better off with no male role-models than bad male role-models. Your son could grow up to believe that’s how men behave and that’s unacceptable
Your child comes first. It is not ok to ruin your child’s sense of belonging and your love for a man
Going through something similar-ish.
Except my main issue is my ex husband, who my 12 year old spends weekends with.
Mmm…it sounds like they need to talk and get to the bottom of what is really wrong. Kids can be assholes at times. I am not saying your bf is right here. But there is 2 sides to the store. I know that is your kid but he may be the issue here. Best of luck
Well from a males point of view… set up a plan to leave and leave…
Its amazing how many people are quick to say “leave”. What ever happened to working thru your problems and building a stronger marriage. Nope…its hurry up and leave…SMDH…
Sorry but children notice these things and it’s not your sons fault. The adult should be trying to make a healthy relationship with the child, it’s always a sign when a child doesn’t like someone. They have a sense we don’t have, your child first before anyone don’t let that boy feel excluded it will impact his school, social and personal life in ways you can’t imagine. I was that kid too, now I’m 26 with no relationship with my family for 7 years I ran away. Don’t lose your boy over a man who can’t treat him as an equal, its incredibly damaging.
Idk know you, but you already decided… leave!!!
If your son has no intrest in talking with your fiance why is it your fiances fault for disengaging? 14 is a tough age to begin with and they are full of arguments. By all means leave the dude but let it be known why so he can be careful in the future getting involved with a woman with kids
Nah there’s only one adult in that relationship, he needs to be doing better. That’s horrible
Talk to your son then talk to your fiance… try to help resolve
You need to press your fiancé and ask him straight up.what his problem with your son is etc?any man who has a issue with my child or treating them different gotta go ft
I speak from experience of mother choosing a man over me when dude was being a dick when she wasn’t around. The fact that fool-ass fiance only “tolerates” your 14 year old is honestly a big red flag. Your fool-ass fiance is jealous of your 14 year old and by arguing and “tolerating” him shows that he himself isn’t a man and you both deserve better. My mother and I are still working on our relationship because of all the times growing up that she chose a man over me. My words never registered with her about the dipsticks she got with. Please don’t let that happen to you and your son. Ask your son if and why he feels singled out or if anything is happening between them when you’re not around. Men will play you to your face and be all Jekyl but turn around and be all Hyde to your kids. But it really does sound to me like fool-ass fiance is either jealous of your 14 year old or he’s simply trying to be alpha male and assert some bullshit dominance over your son to show him who rules the roost. Hope this helps and good luck Hon. Beware of snakes that try to get into your coop.
Open the lines of communication give it a timeline and if things dont change never choose a man over your kids
If my kid ain’t happy ain’t nobody happy. Finance has to go, period.
You’re not over reacting. Get out now
Talk to them both and tell them how you feel
Not overreacting. Your kids come first. Your fiance needs to realize he is the grown up and he is the one who needs to reach out and be there for your son. Your son is still a child dealing with puberty and emotions and not having his real dad around and he probably doesn’t understand any of it. The fiance needs to be more mature and understanding. This isn’t for you to fix, this is between them and your fiance needs to start the process of communication. If doesn’t know how to communicate very well then maybe they could go to family therapy. That’s my opinion. Your kids come first.
Nope nope nope. Your kid deserves to know that mom has his back. That mom chose him. Your kid was here long before the man and if he’s not liking the is man, I’m sure there’s a reason. Kids come first
Have you mentioned it to the fiancé? Have you asked your son if something happened? Is there a reason they don’t get along or is it maybe a teenage thing? Teenagers are hard. Yes the fiancé should try to interact more with him but it’s also a difficult age to try to parent when they’re resisting because of age and they know everything and sometimes because you’re not their real parent. Try to get to the bottom of it and see what’s really going on. I’ve been in this situation before and the kids liked me then didn’t like me. Then when their dad cheated on me and I was gone, then they felt bad for me and realized I wasn’t really as awful as they thought after all…
I feel this 100% from the other side. My husband and I have been together for 7 years married for 4.5. We both have 1 child from a previous relationship. I have a daughter 13 and he has a daughter 12. His daughters mom hasn’t been around for 5 yrs. no communication at all. Her and I do not get along at all. I tried so hard to be there for her. Tried to be a mother figure to her. But she is awful to me. Destroys my things… makeup, tampons (yes I said tampons), lotion, shoes, Knick knacks, really anything. She steals from me. She lies to me about anything and everything. I cannot get along with this child. She then turns around and tries to tell her dad how awful I am. She’s made up stories to so many people. Turned his family against me. It’s been hell. So I gave up. I don’t talk to her much anymore. I can’t. I figure if I do t say anything at all she can’t say I did anything 
. So idk what’s going on in your situation but I can see it from both sides as I am living it right now. And before anyone gives me advice, trust me I’ve tried it all. Counselors, doctors, I’ve tried so hard to be there for her, I take care of her, enroll her in sports, go to all of her games and events, everything. She has a hate for me that I just cannot understand.
Kiddo should turn to some therapy This is beyond either of you.
I’m sure the hurt is stemming from his original abandonment and he doesn’t even know the depth of his hurt… and how its spilling out to the new father figure.
I’m a step mom to a 14 year old. Through lots of counseling and personal reading up on it, it can take ten years for a step parent and child to form any sort of bond. Anytime my stepson feels hurt or annoyed with bio parents he takes it out on me. I’ve disengaged from school drop offs and planning his life because it just makes it all worse. We’ve found that screen free family days help and lots of validating each other’s feelings and helping him to cope with whatever feeling he has. Honestly I wouldnt write off step dad just yet, if he’s willing to put in the work with you I think he’s a keeper. It’s human to not talk to a person if they are constantly treating you bad and ignoring you. It’s taken a long time and a few therapists for us to even get here, but time is also in our side.
IMO you can’t force a relationship and I dont think you should throw away your relationship with your fiance. your fiance should look into the NACHO method and id look into couceling as well. After some time oh, maybe they can re-engage with one another later. But at the end of the day, they may always rub one another the wrong way. theyre human. but there should definitely be an expectation of mutual respect.
Your partner doesn’t accept him and love him,he needs to grow up or get out of your life cause your 14 year old deserves someone to love him
Me and my step dad
Never talked only when we bitched at each other
And that went on for years
One day him and my mom was arguing
So we dropped my mom off and went out and about without her and that’s where the friendship started now people think we are to close
But maybe things will get better
It’s only been two years living together
And he’s 14 I believe you said so puberty is another thing he’s going through
My boyfriend has a 16 yo and I know teenagers are very difficult to deal with. Seems like you guys love each other. I recommend watching Ted talks on how to raise a teen, it has really helped us.
Personal experience. I hated my step dad for years. Mom married him when I was in 7th grade. Fought like cats and dogs . Wasn’t til after I hit senior year that I got over it . Forcing it may make it worse. But for sure need to talk to both about it . Also mom needs to make sure she’s not taking sides and needs to try and get them to act accordingly .
Could there be something more below the surface as to why she doesn’t talk to him?
Honestly though… I’ve read some mega disturbing books and I’d want to understand more from her Point of view what the issue is.
Maybe have some you and child time… tell her she can talk to you about anything and your kids are the most important beings in your life! Xx
I would talk to your husband about this.He probably feels like he does if your son is constantly disrespecting him.Its hard being a step parent to a child that doesn’t respect you.Also talk to your son there’s a reason for him acting the way he is.Children should respect adult and as his wife you gotta be able to have his back as well but health needs to respect your child as well and you need to support yourson to.Sit down with them separately and then together and make a rule that it’s an honest and safe place during these talks.No yelling and everyone gets they chance to talk.I wouldsuggest that if it don’t help get them in therapy.Have them start doing things together.Both need your support and they both need to show respect.Its a hard situation I know all to well.As a wife and parent it’s important that you and your husband are on the same page.If your son sees that he can disrespect your husband and you do nothing about that’s telling him it’s ok…Your husband needs to not ignore and try harder to involve him in things even if he’s acting like a brat he can just say please don’t disrespect me I’m the adult and it’s not ok and then continue doing what they doing.Now if it’s a full argument and your son keeps it going there needs to be a consequence.Put that in your conversation when you have that talk together set rules,boundries,consequence for your son acting like this.
Kinda in same situation but only it started after we was married and it my daughter she hates him now and has for awhile not getting any better he doesn’t really try to make it better really not does she I’ve done everything to try to make it work but now at the point that we are getting a divorce to much string on my marriage and on my daughter and my daughter comes first always
Step parents and teen years are icky. Hormones are everywhere and it takes more than a trip to McDonald’s to win them over. Naturally your son is going to give your fiance a hard time he’s becoming a man himself and also mourning that his real dad isn’t around so unfortunately your fiance will catch the back lash of that to. But maybe finding a common interest for them to start with fishing hunting basketball or maybe even just a tv show anything to give them something to bond over or talk about ! I was always super hard on my step dad but he never gave up he just gave me space and would try again and eventually I realized he wasn’t the worst 
! Good luck !
If your kid doesn’t hate you at some point in your life……your not doing your job. This applies to step parents or fiancés or significant others. It too will pass.
A child is arguing with an adult? Your son has to deal with a lot of things while going through body changes. One is having a man, who is not his dad, be around him. He is watching another man be a father to his kids. It’s prob just hard for him to watch and he don’t know how to act around that. He should not be arguing with any adult though. Teens have attitudes but they need to know how to deal with it. State they are angry and want to be left alone, talk about what is making them mad or just fricken high the kid. Hormones suck and we all can relate to this. From what I read, the fiance is prob just fed up. Would you talk to someone who has no respect for an adult? Kid needs to understand that this man is trying to do what’s right by him. Respect is earned.
If they didn’t get along to begin with I don’t believe you should have moved your boyfriend in. Your child is your #1 priority until he moves out on his own. Just because you have a boyfriend does not mean you have to live with him. I’ve had a boyfriend for 2 years and my older boys don’t mind him but my 14 year old son is the same way, he does not particularly like my boyfriend so when he comes over it’s for a few hours then he goes home. If I want to spend more time with him or overnight then I go to his house. Although there is no arguing because that is definitely something I would not have tolerated from the begin… when you have a boyfriend you need to set boundaries with your boyfriend from the begin. Maybe at some point my sons feelings will change but until then it’s my job to make him feel safe and loved in his home… My kids always come first and if someone is just trying to tolerate them then they will not be in my life.
This happened more than you think
It’s just cause there is a child from somemom has to speck for him so he doesn’t get abused from this it’s your kid I stuck up for mine and you will have to do the same good luck one else and you as a
My dad and my step brother butted heads all the time almost to the point of physical altercation more than once when we were in HS I was 14 my step brother was 15, eventually he went to live with his dad.
They need to talk it out something has created resentment and disrespect. Counseling .
I’d get counseling or some one on one time
Then leave if nothing changes
I also lived hating my step dad my dad left early on
Made my life hell to long
14 year old don’t get along with anyone…not even themselves. It is an age thing. Tell fiance to be the adult and not push too much
Tell your fiancé to grow up and act like the step parent he is.
Kids always come first sweetie. I would make this man leave. You can still date him but don’t live with him.
Leave … your child should come first
Leave. Your children come first.
Some teenagers are very difficult to get along with.
I would talk to you son and let him know he can tell you anything and that you will believe him, and no matter what anyone else says no one can hurt you, make sure he understands that with a verbal yes, then ask him whats going on between fiance and him, is he being bullied/abused/touched/spoken to in a different way when you’re not around and really listen to him do not make excuses for your fiance just nod, shut the heck up and listen til the end. Maybe something you’re too blind to see is happening and that is why he is lashing out, or some other male adult in his life is causing the trauma, majority of the time a kid being a certain way means something traumatic as happened, it was a factor in my attitude towards certain people.
Its the age. It’s a vry tough age. Talk to your man and make him understand that he should talk to your son,spend time together. Or pretend that he does not know Sam stuff and take help from your son. And thank him when done. Like that slowly they will come close.to be honest sometimes men also dnt knw how to handle stuff like this.its us women who make them understand
Better think twice. In my experience, I was married for 13 years, my husband raised my daughter from age 4. They had a good bond then suddenly things went sour. He had been doing things w another woman in our children’s presence and threatening them that if they told me about it, he would hurt them, among other things that came out after I threw him out and they felt safe knowing he wasn’t coming back.
If your fiance is just “tolerating” your son, you can bet your ass your son can feel that. I could never be with someone who didn’t accept my children as their own. Especially when there are other kids involved that are treated differently.
Red flag 
girl run.
cause they dont give the kids anything to do! and unless youre lucky enought to have your children raised with involved parents who can also afford to keep them busy then much of the time they turn to drugs…generational poverty and addiction cycles over and over amongst all races no matter what! i see kids in ny hometown getting arrested with their own dads and grandmas and uncles and aunts and its sad! and even the lucky kids with good lives get sucked in…all it takes is making the wrong friends in middle school to change your life forever.
So I was the shitty teen. My anger at my bio for not being there just gets taken out on step-dad. Im 40 and see adult problems for what they are now. We’ve had a lot of hard talks but im THANKFUL MY STEPDAD RAISED ME!! I love that my mother got to spend her years with the man she loved with all of her heart and soul. Im now raising teenagers and wtf:joy:
You are supposed to be protector for your children!! They will always be your babies!! Men are a dime a dozen!! I realize it’s not easy and teenagers can be difficult at times but are you staying in the relationship because you are being too selfish to leave?? If your fiancé/child can’t get along there has to be tension daily for everyone!! No way to live!!
Have you considered family counseling?